Reassure or let it go?

[robaday]

I went on four dates with someone recently, we hit it off pretty well, there was loads of chemistry and she was definitely my type. She messaged on the weekend saying she didn't know where my thinking was at in terms of whether I wanted to see her again and that I didn't seem keen so I suggested the following night and said I'd be more proactive in future just had been busy with work. She agreed to the date. 

Anyway, she then cancelled the meeting and said she thinks she should be on her own for the current time. I played it cool and was like if you change your mind later let me know, would be great to see you. 

I was a bit lazy admittedly with planning the next date but she seems like she's finding reasons to end it....we had sex a few times and were seemingly getting along well. Is it worth me reassuring her more? She had previously indicated she couldn't tell if I liked her or not, but I've not cancelled any dates...just can be a slow starter...

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, robaday said:

Is it worth me reassuring her more?

I think you already tried, by inviting her on a date when she questioned your interest. 

Perhaps you were a little slow off the mark, but she doesn't sound interested at this point either. 

[robaday]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you already tried, by inviting her on a date when she questioned your interest. 

Perhaps you were a little slow off the mark, but she doesn't sound interested at this point either. 

Yeah I think you are right. I might not be on my best game at the moment due to it being lockdown (heavily restricted in terms of what I can potentially plan) but still, perhaps she's looking for more than I can give. Or isn't interested and is trying to find a reason. (likely a combination of both). 

[Fox Sake]

All this speculation without asking her.

I can’t help but feel your “cool” game went on for too long. Games aren’t meant to last , they’re only for the initial bite. 
Did you ever consider that she was into you and is now backing off due to your chilled attitude? She already said she can’t tell where your head is at so I’m in the thinking she is now backing out to protect herself

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, robaday said:

She messaged on the weekend saying she didn't know where my thinking was at in terms of whether I wanted to see her again and that I didn't seem keen so I suggested the following night and said I'd be more proactive in future just had been busy with work. * * 

Anyway, she then cancelled the meeting and said she thinks she should be on her own for the current time.

It's not you.  It's her.  She seems very insecure.  Her questions, then her stated reason for backing out, scream dysfunction.  You have only been on 4 dates & have had sex.  For her to demand more reassurance from you & then flake says that she's too damaged to form a healthy relationship right now.  

Your response -- putting the ball in her court (where she will refuse to pick it up n the grounds that you are required to chase) -- was just fine. 

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, robaday said:

 just had been busy with work. ...

...I was a bit lazy admittedly 

So  it was not really work your problem but a lack of motivation. She identified it, point it out, and decided your last attempt wasn't worth it and moved on. 

I don't see it as insecure, just a woman tired of the dating game and wanting to meet a man that can show genuine interest. 

[elaine567]

No woman really wants to spur a guy into action, especially early doors...
No oomph, no passion, no joie d vivre, no energy, no enthusiasm makes for no attraction and boredom.
Luke warm guys rarely heat up, but they can often cool way down, so why bother?
This girl cut her losses and ran.

 

[smackie9]

She was looking for sparks and didn't find them.

[robaday]

Thanks for all the replies! yeah agree with most of you, I guess it's all subjective in terms of what someone wants. I won't chase, have left ball in her court and don't expect to hear anything again. 

[Miss Spider]

10 hours ago, robaday said:

I went on four dates with someone recently, we hit it off pretty well, there was loads of chemistry and she was definitely my type. She messaged on the weekend saying she didn't know where my thinking was at in terms of whether I wanted to see her again and that I didn't seem keen so I suggested the following night and said I'd be more proactive in future just had been busy with work. She agreed to the date. 

Anyway, she then cancelled the meeting and said she thinks she should be on her own for the current time. I played it cool and was like if you change your mind later let me know, would be great to see you. 

I was a bit lazy admittedly with planning the next date but she seems like she's finding reasons to end it....we had sex a few times and were seemingly getting along well. Is it worth me reassuring her more? She had previously indicated she couldn't tell if I liked her or not, but I've not cancelled any dates...just can be a slow starter...

It sounds like you didn’t show enough interest in her so she lost interest. 
It be like that sometimes. 
 

There’s a little bit of Disney princess in most women and want that Prince Charming who is very keen, proactive, and shows his interest, I think esp after sex.
Oh well, I wouldn’t chase, just try not to sleep on it next time 

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

10 hours ago, robaday said:

I went on four dates with someone recently, we hit it off pretty well, there was loads of chemistry and she was definitely my type. She messaged on the weekend saying she didn't know where my thinking was at in terms of whether I wanted to see her again and that I didn't seem keen so I suggested the following night and said I'd be more proactive in future just had been busy with work. She agreed to the date. 

Anyway, she then cancelled the meeting and said she thinks she should be on her own for the current time. I played it cool and was like if you change your mind later let me know, would be great to see you. 

I was a bit lazy admittedly with planning the next date but she seems like she's finding reasons to end it....we had sex a few times and were seemingly getting along well. Is it worth me reassuring her more? She had previously indicated she couldn't tell if I liked her or not, but I've not cancelled any dates...just can be a slow starter...

If you have to ask, the answer is No. No one should have to convince you or push you to be a little more convincing about whether you're interested in someone. It's either there or it isn't. It doesn't sound like enough interest on your part and she was right to check out. I think her answer of being on her own was letting you down easy. It is ok. Date other women.

[robaday]

I agree about the points made. I guess I tend in the early days to schedule a date once a week or so, and maybe chat twice a week in between, that's generally been my approach, but am finding perhaps I need to step things up a bit more. 

[Miss Spider]

That seems like plenty, but you’re gonna find people  need way maintenance than that .  She might have wanted it to be seriousish rship since you guys slept together and honestly it doesn’t seem like you wanted/were ready for that so for the best

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, robaday said:

I agree about the points made. I guess I tend in the early days to schedule a date once a week or so, and maybe chat twice a week in between, that's generally been my approach, but am finding perhaps I need to step things up a bit more. 

If you are looking for a relationship this is not enough once passed 3 dates and/or intimicy. You cannot sustain and nurish a connection with 1 date &  2 chats a week.

Edited August 23, 2021 by Gaeta

[glows]

4 minutes ago, robaday said:

I agree about the points made. I guess I tend in the early days to schedule a date once a week or so, and maybe chat twice a week in between, that's generally been my approach, but am finding perhaps I need to step things up a bit more. 

It depends on schedules also. I usually communicate well what my weeks are like and vice versa so the other person isn't left hanging or wondering. I'd expect the same kind of communication so there isn't any misunderstanding. If you prefer to take it slow one date a week you just have to communicate and see whether the other person is on the same page. One or two dates a week to start is more than enough for me. 

[FudgeSwirl]

You did the right thing by leaving the ball in her court and not expecting her to reach out.  Since you admitted you were a bit lazy, it can be just that that had influenced her decision or a combination of that and her feeling insecure (if you were at least still communicating with her properly). 

Next time in the initial stages if you like someone and want to see her again, be sure to ask for it quicker and then find a date that is good for both of you.  In the beginning, it's okay to find out what both your schedules are like so you can automatically eliminate certain days and/or times that will never work for more efficient planning.  I would aim for a date at least once a week and determine if your communication preferences align.  

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, robaday said:

I agree about the points made. I guess I tend in the early days to schedule a date once a week or so, and maybe chat twice a week in between, that's generally been my approach, but am finding perhaps I need to step things up a bit more. 

That seems like an OK pace to me but there are people who will want more.  Some folks seem to think that you must go from just meeting to daily contact.  That is waaaayyyy too much IMO.  

You need to find a balance that works for both people in the new relationship.  This lady was too high maintenance for your laid back style making you incompatible.  That is OK.  Dating is about finding your right match, not forcing you to conform to somebody else's ideal.  

[Amanda92]

I agree that meeting once a week and chatting twice a week is not enough. I can see that most men are afraid of showing interest and behave like this, but I think she was right that it has no sense.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

I agree that meeting once a week and chatting twice a week is not enough. I can see that most men are afraid of showing interest and behave like this, but I think she was right that it has no sense.

At the very beginning, first month or so, some guy who routinely wanted more than that from me would be shown the door.  

Different strokes.  The key is you have to find a pattern that works for you both.  

[Amanda92]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

At the very beginning, first month or so, some guy who routinely wanted more than that from me would be shown the door.  

Different strokes.  The key is you have to find a pattern that works for you both.  

But how can you build a relationship once a week?

[Gaeta]

OP was not THAT interested. 

Four dates, One month, sex happened and OP still only text this lady  2 times a week! No woman, looking for a relationship will let that go on. 

[Miss Spider]

Yea… I’m thinking op is disappointed an option where he only had to do bare minimum texting twice a week and get sex fell off… unless youre way “out of her league” or you’re fwb/fbuddies, you’re probably going  to have to put in way more effort than that 

Edited August 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, robaday said:

I agree about the points made. I guess I tend in the early days to schedule a date once a week or so, and maybe chat twice a week in between, that's generally been my approach, but am finding perhaps I need to step things up a bit more. 

For me, it's more about the quality of time spent together versus quantity.  

If I felt cherished and our time together felt special, once a week would be fine in early stages! 

In fact, that's what I prefer starting out. 

On the other hand, if you act aloof, cool, nonchalant, sex was cold and/or you got up immediately after, then no thanks.

@robadaycan you share a little bit about your actual time spent  together?  

Do you plan fun dates?  Are you attentive and engaged? Affectionate?   Is she?   Is the sex passionate and intimate or more wham bam thank you m'am?

During early stages, once a week is fine imo as long as that time spent is special and you both give value to each other. 

Twice a week chats are fine too as long as, again, the chats are meaningful and provide value versus quick "check-ins."

Your answers to these questions might shed more light on how she was feeling and possibly why she felt you weren't all that into her.

Edited August 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[robaday]

16 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea… I’m thinking op is disappointed an option where he only had to do bare minimum texting twice a week and get sex fell off… unless youre way “out of her league” or you’re fwb/fbuddies, you’re probably going  to have to put in way more effort than that 

I understand where you are coming from, and yes I agree perhaps I need to make more effort in future. I do like her, the dates have been great and was interested in seeing her again and potentially saw a future hence my post. I do get things wrong though sometimes. 

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

OP was not THAT interested. 

Four dates, One month, sex happened and OP still only text this lady  2 times a week! No woman, looking for a relationship will let that go on. 

Thank you for your contribution much appreciated it is interesting to hear so many different perspectives on this. I'll be honest part of the reason for not heaps of messaging is we are in lockdown where I'm at so not loads interesting is actually happening in my life for long phone calls! but yeah Ill try be more proactive:)

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, robaday said:

I understand where you are coming from, and yes I agree perhaps I need to make more effort in future. I do like her, the dates have been great and was interested in seeing her again and potentially saw a future hence my post. I do get things wrong though sometimes. 

Thank you for your contribution much appreciated it is interesting to hear so many different perspectives on this. I'll be honest part of the reason for not heaps of messaging is we are in lockdown where I'm at so not loads interesting is actually happening in my life for long phone calls! but yeah Ill try be more proactive:)

I'm thinking all this should come naturally to you. When we're interested in a person, we've been on 4+ dates, we've been intimate, the desire to touch base with this woman should come naturally. If you have to 'put in effort' for just that then are you sure you're interested in her for the right reasons?