Author marciellazd Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 13 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Sounds like it’s been a broken relationship with no hope of salvaging … sad Bc now a baby is brought into the mess… happens all the time Why do you think it is broken and beyond salvaging???
Gaeta Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 2 hours ago, marciellazd said: He does half of the chores (dish washer loading, laundry, cleaning.) He also cooks dinner occasionally (I don’t cook, never did, even in a relationship) He takes care of the baby for 4 hours a day and I do 20. On the weekends, it is more balanced. Your boyfriend does more than any bf/father l know. 3
Gaeta Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 58 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Get him on baby duty for at least 8 hours per day. You will still be on call 16 hours, more than double but hopefully those additional 4 hours afford you more sleep & self care. I think that's unrealistic. He works 8 hours a day. OP can nap through the day when the baby is asleep, he can't. 8 hours of baby duty would mean he's up till 2 am. Again he has to get up and have enough rest in him to concentrate at work. 3
introverted1 Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Get him on baby duty for at least 8 hours per day. You will still be on call 16 hours, more than double but hopefully those additional 4 hours afford you more sleep & self care. If he's going to put in more solo time with baby, then perhaps she needs to pick up the slack by doing the grocery shopping and making dinner. As it is, he's working 8-9 hours, shopping, getting their lunches, making dinner, doing 1/2 the chores, and then has solo baby care for 4 hours. The first year of being a new parent is notorious for sleep deprivation. It pretty much comes with the territory. OP, have you sat down with your bf to discuss what you each feel is an equitable division of labor? Perhaps you can come to an agreement that will suit you both. 3
Gaeta Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) I feel OP is overwhelmed, happens to a lot of new moms, there are solutions. Forget about having a spotless home or hire a cleaning lady for a couple of months to give you both a slack. Wasn't you mom suppose to come give your a hand? Edited August 23, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Author marciellazd Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I feel OP is overwhelmed, happens to a lot of new moms, there are solutions. Forget about having a spotless home or hire a cleaning lady for a couple of months to give you both a slack. Wasn't you mom suppose to come give your a hand? Yes, but she is coming in a month, when I am about to go back to work. For now, it is only the two of us.
poppyfields Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I think that's unrealistic. He works 8 hours a day. OP can nap through the day when the baby is asleep, he can't. 8 hours of baby duty would mean he's up till 2 am. Again he has to get up and have enough rest in him to concentrate at work. Bolded, that is what i was wondering. My understanding is newborns do 3 things, eat, sleep, and cry when hungry. So yeah while the baby naps, you nap! Little cat naps, they do wonders! Is this possible? But mostly I think if you got some exercise you would feel tons better too. Don't rule it out, it has tons of benefits and will give you energy even when tired. And increase your mood. Maybe when the baby naps you could do yoga or something? Just a thought. Sure sleep is important but the cat naps while the baby is napping and then the 4 hours, I would think that would be enough? I only know this from remembering my mom with my two younger brothers, she had had SIX kids pretty much back to back. Edited August 23, 2021 by poppyfields
introverted1 Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Bolded, that is what i was wondering. My understanding is newborns do two things, eat and sleep, Three things: they poop a lot. After every meal. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) 35 minutes ago, marciellazd said: Why do you think it is broken and beyond salvaging??? Because IMO based on your last thread, your rship with him and family is dysfunctional & borderline toxic. I hope I’m wrong and you guys can work through things Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Author marciellazd Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: Because IMO based on your last thread, your rship with him and family is dysfunctional & borderline toxic. I hope you guys can work through things though if only for the sake of your lovely kid I met his family three times and they live in another state. In person, they were all nice to me. I had a problem with my bf tho, telling his family about our arguments 1
poppyfields Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 11 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Three things: they poop a lot. After every meal. Oops forgot about that one! 1
Miss Spider Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, marciellazd said: I met his family three times and they live in another state. In person, they were all nice to me. I had a problem with my bf tho, telling his family about our arguments I meant him , and in his mother , but through him & his behavior & just the general compatibility of the rship. But like I said, I hope I am wrong and that couples counseling works for you guys Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Daisydooks Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 8 hours ago, marciellazd said: I dont think i am being defensive just giving you my thought process that led to this situation. On the other hand, I am stressed and sleep deprived so not really trusting my judgement. I would love to go for a long walk but it seems impossible. When my partner gets off work at 5pm we rush to finish everything (dinner, shower, baby bath, groceries) so i can go and get my 4-5 hours of sleep. Also, he is not sole provider for the family. I am on leave but I still provide 50% for every single expense. But thank you for your input, I am trying to understand. Why do you guys shop daily? That's insane. Lol. Just buy what is needed for a few days to a week (we eat a lot of fresh food, so I shop twice a week usually myself.) Also, one night or twice a week, eat sandwiches. They take 3.4 minutes to make. Not shopping daily and eating easy to prep meals a few times a week has to lessen the stress at night, no? Extravagant dinners are not in my vocabulary with a newborn haha
Author marciellazd Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 2 minutes ago, Daisydooks said: Why do you guys shop daily? That's insane. Lol. Just buy what is needed for a few days to a week (we eat a lot of fresh food, so I shop twice a week usually myself.) Also, one night or twice a week, eat sandwiches. They take 3.4 minutes to make. Not shopping daily and eating easy to prep meals a few times a week has to lessen the stress at night, no? Extravagant dinners are not in my vocabulary with a newborn haha We don’t shop groceries daily, but we do buy lunch almost daily. On his break my bf goes and gets us something quick.
Daisydooks Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, marciellazd said: We don’t shop groceries daily, but we do buy lunch almost daily. On his break my bf goes and gets us something quick. What could you do to shorten the time spent after work where youre rushing to eat, bathe baby, etc.) What would your ideal evening look like? Edited August 23, 2021 by Daisydooks Spelling
Daisydooks Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 2 minutes ago, marciellazd said: We don’t shop groceries daily, but we do buy lunch almost daily. On his break my bf goes and gets us something quick. How about once a week, you leave him home and YOU get lunch? Would that help you feel like you got some free time? He isnt stuck to his computer if he runs for lunch anyway, so why cant you go once a week? If this were me, Id tell him, "I am going to run to the thrift shop" (or wherever) for an hour during a slower day for him. Plan ahead so its not an argument. He can take care of baby, you get some "me time" and bring home lunch. Even once a week this could be nice for you to get out, change your scenery a bit, and have you feeling less jaded about never getting outside for fresh air or sun. 1
LynneVicious Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Op from what you’ve written, it really sounds like your boyfriend does his share, honestly. More than most dads of newborns I know. I agree that you’re overwhelmed. Sleep deprivation is very difficult to deal with and amplifies any stress there is. The good news is this is only temporary. You guys will fall into a routine, you’ll get more sleep, the kinks will work themselves out. In the meantime, try not to keep score and communicate calmly to one another. Don’t react on your emotions. Like I said, your emotions are going to be amplified because of the exhaustion, but enjoy your little baby while you can. 1 1
Mrin Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Not that I think this this is going on here but... Just going to mention this - be sure to watch your mental health. Postpartum depression is a real and dangerous thing. It walloped three women I am close to. 2
Author marciellazd Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 2 minutes ago, LynneVicious said: Op from what you’ve written, it really sounds like your boyfriend does his share, honestly. More than most dads of newborns I know. I agree that you’re overwhelmed. Sleep deprivation is very difficult to deal with and amplifies any stress there is. The good news is this is only temporary. You guys will fall into a routine, you’ll get more sleep, the kinks will work themselves out. In the meantime, try not to keep score and communicate calmly to one another. Don’t react on your emotions. Like I said, your emotions are going to be amplified because of the exhaustion, but enjoy your little baby while you can. I know he does, I was trying to explain it in another thread. I don’t really have many complains about him. Mainly started this thread because I got offended by him asking to go outside while we would be sitting in the house doing nothing. In reality, I think the root problem is me starting to feel insecure. He used to be so attentive and loving… and not sure if it is because of more frequent arguments or because of the baby, we are more distant now. He doesn’t say i love you as often, and when he didnt plan our day to spend together (as we used to do before the baby) I just got so depressed. 1
LynneVicious Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 1 minute ago, marciellazd said: I know he does, I was trying to explain it in another thread. I don’t really have many complains about him. Mainly started this thread because I got offended by him asking to go outside while we would be sitting in the house doing nothing. In reality, I think the root problem is me starting to feel insecure. He used to be so attentive and loving… and not sure if it is because of more frequent arguments or because of the baby, we are more distant now. He doesn’t say i love you as often, and when he didnt plan our day to spend together (as we used to do before the baby) I just got so depressed. Oh absolutely, it’s because of the baby! Your whole relationship dynamic has been changed. completely normal. You guys will get into the groove with each other provided that you communicate and don’t lash out at one another. When the baby is in a routine, and has a sleep schedule, plan date nights for eachother. Even if it’s staying home. And with the depression and your feelings being hurt, remember you just had a baby! Your hormones are all over the place and trying to stabilize. Normal baby blues is common. If you’re feeling way overwhelmed, anxious, depression, keep an eye out for postpartum depression. I had newborn twins and a two year old, and between my hormones making me feel like I got thrown off a cliff, I was completely overwhelmed and suffering from postpartum depression. My ex husband was wonderful with the twins, but I remember feeling overwhelmed, under appreciated and underloved. Just keep speaking with each other, get rest when you can and take it one day at a time 3
glows Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 2 hours ago, marciellazd said: In reality, I think the root problem is me starting to feel insecure. He used to be so attentive and loving… and not sure if it is because of more frequent arguments or because of the baby, we are more distant now. He doesn’t say i love you as often, and when he didnt plan our day to spend together (as we used to do before the baby) I just got so depressed. It’s good that you’re realizing this. Don’t take it out on each other, try letting him know you enjoy his company as opposed to being against him going out for less than an hour. Do you tell him that you love him? Tell him and see how he responds. 1
Daisydooks Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, marciellazd said: I know he does, I was trying to explain it in another thread. I don’t really have many complains about him. Mainly started this thread because I got offended by him asking to go outside while we would be sitting in the house doing nothing. In reality, I think the root problem is me starting to feel insecure. He used to be so attentive and loving… and not sure if it is because of more frequent arguments or because of the baby, we are more distant now. He doesn’t say i love you as often, and when he didnt plan our day to spend together (as we used to do before the baby) I just got so depressed. It sounds like you guys just really need to find a new normal. It will take time (way more than a month as new parents.) The good news is this is fairly normal I think! Be patient with yourself and with him. Youre both learning as you go here. ❤ Edited August 24, 2021 by Daisydooks 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, poppyfields said: So yeah while the baby naps, you nap! Unfortunately, it doesn't usually work that way, even though it sounds like a simple solution. Baby's nap time becomes mom's chance to shower, grab a snack and hydrate (especially if nursing), finally get around to folding the laundry, etc... Edited August 24, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1 2
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