Royal treatment or is he being inconsiderate

[marciellazd]

I had another topic few days ago about my bf venting to his mom about our fights. He hasn’t been doing that since we talked (well not yet, hopefully it stays that way).

But yesterday we had an argument and I am just exhausted and thinking maybe couples counseling is the answer. During the argument my bf said I expect royal treatment and for people to read my mind. I on the other hand think that he is just inconsiderate and myself being extremely considerate person, I get hurt when I don’t get the same in return. 
 

Little background: we had a baby exactly a month ago and it has been stressful as we have no help at all. I stay with the baby 12am to 5pm. Then we do thing together like bathing him or putting him to sleep. I sleep 8pm to midnight. And then 12am all over again. My bf only has 8pm to midnight sometimes 1-2am. But he also work and needs to stay focused. Btw he works from home. 
I look forward to weekends bc I am able to sleep more as he stays longer with the baby plus daytime naps. I also look forward to weekends, bc I miss talking to him and I miss our relationship. Even though he works from the living room where baby and i are staying, it is not the same… he is working.

So yesterday, I got hurt when I woke up around 2pm (nap from 11-2) and as I was feeding the baby and trying to figure out the rest of day, he asked if it would be ok for him to go to a thrift shop. I said no it wouldn’t and he said ok. 
 

Now, for most people maybe this is a normal conversation but I got so upset, I couldn’t let it go. I felt hurt because while I am planning to do something as a family, he is thinking how to get out of the house. I understand he wants to be outside (given he works from home) but what about me. 
When I confronted him about this, he said it would have been 30 min -1h only and we could have still done something. Also, the fact that he asked instead of just informing me he was gonna go should tell me something. 
 

I see it differently. I was finally able to get some help. I also had to do some paperwork for my new job and fill out forms and was planning on doing it while he watches the baby 

Even without doing paperwork, I need break, I want another adult in the house to take turns picking up crying baby.

As we arguing, he says “ok god forbid, I go outside and get some sun.” Well, when his family was here, they went out for lunch and dinner during the weekend. On Sat night they went to see a show. I chose to sleep and show was not appropriate to take newborn (noise and dust) so I stayed at home. He also goes out to get us lunch every day and grocery shopping after work. I on the other had was probably out 2-3 times in the last month ( going to a store). 
 

Am I really to demanding or did he just stop caring as much and relationship is coming to an end???  The latter makes me sad because of the newborn mostly, but I also still love him. 
 

Thanks for reading

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yes you are being demanding and very petty. 
You should treat each other as if you are both putting in 50/50.  Thinking you do more than him is just self defeating.

Truthfully if I had to do it again, I would savor every minute I had with the baby.  They grow up fast!  
Don’t treat your baby as a chore or inconvenience. Learn to enjoy the gift you have in front of you.  A baby and a caring partner who is by all accounts, by your side.

Check this board.  So many people want that!  

Don’t focus on who is doing what.  Focus on what is really important.  Once that moment is gone, you will never get it back. So always work to have happy moments.

 

[d0nnivain]

You do kind of expect the world to revolve around you & you don't compromise.  

I assume his family came to see the new grandbaby so you keeping everybody away & them doing all this stuff out of the house makes no sense.  

Your BF wanted to go out. Why couldn't you all go to the thrift shop?  

Couples counseling may be helpful because you two have a serious communication issue which will only get worse when you have to parent this baby.  

[marciellazd]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You do kind of expect the world to revolve around you & you don't compromise.  

I assume his family came to see the new grandbaby so you keeping everybody away & them doing all this stuff out of the house makes no sense.  

Your BF wanted to go out. Why couldn't you all go to the thrift shop?  

Couples counseling may be helpful because you two have a serious communication issue which will only get worse when you have to parent this baby.  

Well, family stayed at the hotel (our apartment is small) and they had every meal at the restaurant (my bf included and they took the baby with them). I was invited but i needed my sleep. They also visited when this particular show was happening and bought tickets months in advance… so no, I wasn’t keeping them out of the house.

Why couldn’t we all go out??? That is my point too? I was about to talk about what we could possibly do together for our day off but he sounded like he just wanted to be out away from us. That is what hurt me. That I was thinking and looking forward of doing something (finally) together and he was aching to go on his own. Even before the baby, we went everywhere together if both of us were at home (post office, store, grocery shopping… you name it).

I am not trying to defend myself, just giving you my perspective 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

He didn't want to be away from you.  You assumed that & reacted to your assumption not the reality.  You have to rearrange your thinking & try assuming that the baby's father wants the best for you.  

You chose not to go with the family when they were here, prioritizing sleep over being social.  You are allowed to do that & it's a valid choice but you can't get mad at your guy for spending time with his family & his child.  What was he suppose to do, blow them off to watch you sleep?  

[marciellazd]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He didn't want to be away from you.  You assumed that & reacted to your assumption not the reality.  You have to rearrange your thinking & try assuming that the baby's father wants the best for you.  

You chose not to go with the family when they were here, prioritizing sleep over being social.  You are allowed to do that & it's a valid choice but you can't get mad at your guy for spending time with his family & his child.  What was he suppose to do, blow them off to watch you sleep?  

No, the fact that he went out on the weekend multiple times doesn’t bother me, but it just means he was out for two days. Then, he goes outside here and there to do chores or get lunch on his breaks. 
on the other hand, I have been inside for a month with very little sleep. So, when he said “god forbid, I go outside (pretty much meaning to unwind)…. It is just not fair. He acts like he is the only one needing a break and some sun, when in reality I need it even more. 
Also he sleeps at night for seven to eight hours and he was able to to out with his family. After having 2-3 hours of sleep for weeks, going to a restaurant vs sleeping wasn’t a hard choice for me

[glows]

He seems tired just like you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him going out for less than an hour. However if you do feel like he was doing it to spite you or avoid you, both of you need to work better together and communicate. Don’t hold on to those negative and resentful feelings. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, marciellazd said:

He also goes out to get us lunch every day and grocery shopping after work. I on the other had was probably out 2-3 times in the last month ( going to a store). 

Why don't you trade up and you go get lunches every day and do the grocery shopping after he gets off work so you can get out of the house.

[poppyfields]

I'm confused:

You:  Am I being too demanding, unreasonable?

Responses:  Yes

You:  No I'm not and here's why.

@marciellazdmay I ask why you created this thread?  If it was to vent frustration, that is totally OK!

But if you created it seeking constructive feedback on your behavior, then my advice is to listen to what people are saying and at least consider it rather than immediately becoming defensive.

I can only imagine how difficult it is having to care for a newborn.  You are tired and stressed.  

This is going to skew your thought process and possibly not understand what your boyfriend is experiencing.  I understand that.

He may get sleep but it must be incredibly stressful for him as well!  In different ways, given that he is the sole supporter right now, financially. 

Try to consider that, what HE is going through too. 30 minutes to an hour to go to thrift shop or wherever is not too much to ask imo.

If course it wasn't just that, it's been a build up of things.  

Maybe try and understand that and give him a bit of a break here?   And yourself a break as well?

Take some time for YOU, not just to sleep but go for a long walk or run, do yoga!  I find that incredibly calming. 30 minutes. 

Calmly suggest this to him versus nagging and getting angry, that's what I wouid do.

Good luck and congrats on your baby! 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[marciellazd]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm confused:

You:  Am I being too demanding, unreasonable?

Responses:  Yes

You:  No I'm not and here's why.

@marciellazdmay I ask why you created this thread?  If it was to vent frustration, that is totally OK!

But if you created it seeking constructive feedback on your behavior, then my advice is to listen to what people are saying and at least consider it rather than immediately becoming defensive.

I can only imagine how difficult it is having to care for a newborn.  You are tired and stressed.  

This is going to skew your thought process and possibly not understand what your boyfriend is experiencing.  I understand that.

He may get sleep but it must be incredibly stressful for him as well!  In different ways, given that he is the sole supporter right now, financially. 

Try to consider that, what HE is going through too. 30 minutes to an hour to go to thrift shop or wherever is not too much to ask imo.

If course it wasn't just that, it's been a build up of things.  

Maybe try and understand that and give him a bit of a break here?   And yourself a break as well?

Take some time for YOU, not just to sleep but go for a long walk or run, do yoga!  I find that incredibly calming. 30 minutes. 

Calmly suggest this to him versus nagging and getting angry, that's what I wouid do.

Good luck and congrats on your baby! 

 

 

 

 

I dont think i am being defensive just giving you my thought process that led to this situation. On the other hand, I am stressed and sleep deprived so not really trusting my judgement. 
I would love to go for a long walk but it seems impossible. When my partner gets off work at 5pm we rush to finish everything (dinner, shower, baby bath, groceries) so i can go and get my 4-5 hours of sleep. 
Also, he is not sole provider for the family. I am on leave but I still provide 50% for every single expense. 
But thank you for your input, I am trying to understand. 

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps you need better time management.  Do you own a crock pot? Make dinner in that.  Takes about 15 minutes of prep in the morning.   Also when you have time cook in batches so you have dinner for the week.  Cut down on the rushing every night.  

Look into a grocery delivery service or at least order on line & go pick it up.  That saves at least 1 hour.  

Why can't you take the baby with you in a stroller on a long walk?  At the very least, at the stroke of 5, you run out the door for your walk & leave them to have some time alone together.  

[marciellazd]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Perhaps you need better time management.  Do you own a crock pot? Make dinner in that.  Takes about 15 minutes of prep in the morning.   Also when you have time cook in batches so you have dinner for the week.  Cut down on the rushing every night.  

Look into a grocery delivery service or at least order on line & go pick it up.  That saves at least 1 hour.  

Why can't you take the baby with you in a stroller on a long walk?  At the very least, at the stroke of 5, you run out the door for your walk & leave them to have some time alone together.  

I guess I could do delivery service. Taking baby in a stroller during the day would be great but it is so hot here that we usually wait 6-7pm to take him outside. 
Another reason why i never go to sleep on time is that when I leave I hear either cry or my partner getting frustrated m. Then i get up and snatch the baby from him. I tried explaining to him that putting baby down for a nap requires effort. His idea of effort is he reclines on the couch, while watching TV, sipping a drink and holding the baby who would (according to him) just fall sleep bc he is being held. That never happens. He is few weeks old. He needs to be rocked, walked… So when the baby ends up being up for the entire time he watches him, four hours, I get frustrated and he gets frustrated. 

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, marciellazd said:

I would love to go for a long walk but it seems impossible. When my partner gets off work at 5pm we rush to finish everything (dinner, shower, baby bath, groceries) so i can go and get my 4-5 hours of sleep. 

If you want to go for a long walk go the the grocery store and leave the baby with him, or take the baby with you on a walk.  You can do this for lunch too and get out of the house.

[poppyfields]

Yeah again I think some exercise would truly do you some good.  There have been studies done proving this.

Calming effect, increases mood level (raises endorphins) among other benefits.

Even just 15 min a day, I encourage you to discuss this with bf in a calm loving way. 

Other mothers of newborns do this, imo it's absolutely necessary to reduce risk of post-partum, frustration, burn out  etc. 

It can be done, at least consider? 

 

Edited August 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, marciellazd said:

I guess I could do delivery service. Taking baby in a stroller during the day would be great but it is so hot here that we usually wait 6-7pm to take him outside. 
Another reason why i never go to sleep on time is that when I leave I hear either cry or my partner getting frustrated m. Then i get up and snatch the baby from him. I tried explaining to him that putting baby down for a nap requires effort. His idea of effort is he reclines on the couch, while watching TV, sipping a drink and holding the baby who would (according to him) just fall sleep bc he is being held. That never happens. He is few weeks old. He needs to be rocked, walked… So when the baby ends up being up for the entire time he watches him, four hours, I get frustrated and he gets frustrated. 

So what is it you want him to do?

[d0nnivain]

I am not a mom so I can't comment on how to care for an infant.  However, I suspect that if you snatch the baby from him every time he does something you don't agree with that is you teaching him that he doesn't have to take responsibility.  Let him make mistakes as long as they won't hurt your child.  I doubt the baby is in mortal danger so let the father figure it out.  Make him a co-parent / partner rather than a babysitter / 2nd child.  

[smackie9]

Stick that baby in a stroller and go for a walk then....

Like I advised last time, find a moms group to talk to. That's where you will get the best tips and support. As for your husband, he's not a mind reader!!! stop assuming he's being this rat bastard because he can't see what your are thinking/expecting. I would suggest seeking out a doctor to get some help with that depression/anger you are experiencing. Hell they took to baby so you can get some sleep and you still complain...

[Gaeta]

Yes a new born will fall asleep just by being held. Stop grabbing the baby away from his father, physical contact is important to bond for both of them. 

You need to go out. It's hot then take the baby, stroller, drive to a shopping mall and enjoy that moment, treat yourself then go back home.

if you feel overwhelmed by motherhood talk about it to your doctor, join a newly moms group. 

[LynneVicious]

Having had multiple babies, I will tell you that when you start “keeping score”, you’ll have nothing but problems all the way. 

Motherhood is a demanding, thankless job. Embrace it. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

3 hours ago, marciellazd said:

I am on leave but I still provide 50% for every single expense.

Does he do his half of the housework? Half of the childcare? If you're contributing half financially, then you are not wrong in expecting equal effort with chores and taking care of the baby.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Does he do his half of the housework? Half of the childcare? If you're contributing half financially, then you are not wrong in expecting equal effort with chores and taking care of the baby.

i agree but she has to give up some control ove the baby.  He needs to learn how to take care of the baby without being critizied.

[marciellazd]

1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Does he do his half of the housework? Half of the childcare? If you're contributing half financially, then you are not wrong in expecting equal effort with chores and taking care of the baby.

He does half of the chores (dish washer loading, laundry, cleaning.) He also cooks dinner occasionally (I don’t cook, never did, even in a relationship)

He takes care of the baby for 4 hours a day and I do 20. On the weekends, it is more balanced.

[d0nnivain]

Get him on baby duty  for at least 8 hours per day.  You will still be on call 16 hours, more than double but hopefully those additional 4 hours afford you more sleep & self care.  

[marciellazd]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Get him on baby duty  for at least 8 hours per day.  You will still be on call 16 hours, more than double but hopefully those additional 4 hours afford you more sleep & self care.  

I will try, if he takes baby at 5pm and has him till midnight, that will give me some time off

[Miss Spider]

Sounds like it’s been a broken relationship with no hope of salvaging … sad Bc now a baby is brought into the mess… happens all the time