Guest Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Have anyone married their OM? If so, did the marriage work or did it end up in divorce. My OM divorced his wife and has asked me to marry him. I accepted his proposal. However, my friends are telling me the marriage will not last because we had an affair. I am trying to find out how many marriages lasted as a result of an affair. I trust him and do not believe he will cheat on me. Gigi
lifestyle1 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Less than 5% of relationships beginning from affairs last. Remeber the basis for YOUR relationship was lying and cheating. I dont know the circumstances of why he did? if this is the first? and how long you have been together, But the consensus is "If he did it with you, he'll do it to you" MY OM left his wife - I left my H and divorced (he never finalise his) we moved in together and stayed together for 5 years. Yes I feared he would cheat. The mistrust is always there. He didnt trust me either. Well after 5 years, I recently discovered he was cheating. Although he tried to disgusies his phone bill by not detailing individual calls, it was the phone bill that revealed it to me. Did he consumate the relationship? I dont know, He says no, and she says no (I called and asked her) But C'mon do you think they would admit it?
Outcast Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." What makes you think that a man who had no compunction about cheating on his wife would suddenly decide it's not right to do?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 If you marry a MM that's what you'll get for a husband: when the W is discarded, and you step into the W's place - it won't be long before he needs to fill the vacated OW position. It will take time before he is not in "MM" mode anymore. He is thinking like a MM, he is acting like a MM, and he will treat you like MM's treat their wives if you marry him while he is still in 'MM mode'. He has his freedom now. The last thing you want to do is jump right into another situation in which his freedom is taken away by another marriage (and in which he will need an OW to cope). You can prevent this, though. You will have to be patient though, during this process in which he goes from 'MM' to 'SG' and it may be longer before he is ready to be a H again. It will take time for you to move out of your 'OW' identity and re-establish yourself as a 'SW' before you are ready to be a W. Give it two years on the high end of things. Give the man a chance to breath and live single again. Give yourself time to enjoy dating him not as a MM but as a regular old SG. Tell him you'll be glad to marry him, but you want a year before you become engaged in which you live in separate residences and see other people, and in which he can get his 'SG' identity back and leave his 'MM' identity behind him. After a year is up, see if you are ready to move in together and become engaged - and then a year later agree to a marriage. Two years sounds like a long time - but which is worth more to you? The chance to build a solid relationship with someone as you both grow and develop together past your roles as MM/OW - or the chance to jump right into the still-warm W spot only to find yourself a BS a short while down the road when he fills your vacated spot with another OW?
Woggle Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I would think twice about marrying somebody that cheated on their spouse. If he did it to her he will most likely do it to you.
JayKay Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 My Dad left my Mom for his OW. He and the OW broke up about two years later. Reason? He cheated on her. Former co-worker friend of mine (a guy) cheated on his wife with his OW. He also cheated on the OW, although OW didn't know this. He finally divorces wife. OW moves in. Breaks up with him about a year later because..... He cheated on her. Some leopards change their spots but many never do. I'd proceed with caution.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I think trust would always be an issue. The OW/MM or OM/MW relationship started off the wrong way, wasn't honest to begin with between the lying and hiding the affair...Part of that excitement must disappear once the ex's are out of the picture. Test of true love.
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I trust him and do not believe he will cheat on me. .. Trusting someone doesn't mean that it isn't going to happen.. He will cheat on you as soon as he has the chance.. Trust or not
lifestyle1 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Will a man cheat on you? once he has left his wife for you? Yes he will. Why? Because he lacks impulse control, has intimacy problems, and is immature. See when feelings get uncomfortable with the wife- he goes outside his relationship for that QUICK FIX- the gratification, the rush, the adrenalin, that having a romantic encounter brings. And when it feels good, we want to do it over and over again. So will he cheat? yes he will, unless he has undergone counseling and is willing to look at himself to stop the behavior.
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Will a man cheat on you? once he has left his wife for you? Yes he will. Why? Because he lacks impulse control, has intimacy problems, and is immature. See when feelings get uncomfortable with the wife- he goes outside his relationship for that QUICK FIX- the gratification, the rush, the adrenalin, that having a romantic encounter brings. And when it feels good, we want to do it over and over again. So will he cheat? yes he will, unless he has undergone counseling and is willing to look at himself to stop the behavior. And what is your qualification for so much certainty in this view of yours? It seems to me that you are arguing from a particular view of a MM which would by necessity lead to the scenario you suggest. Do you have any concrete examples, or are you simply assuming?
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 : He will cheat on you as soon as he has the chance.. Trust or not And your argument in this case is based on what, exactly?
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I think trust would always be an issue. The OW/MM or OM/MW relationship started off the wrong way, wasn't honest to begin with between the lying and hiding the affair...Part of that excitement must disappear once the ex's are out of the picture. Test of true love. Your point of view is based on a relationship between MM and OW which you chose not to pursue (unless I read your history on LS incorrectly?) You assume that the MM/OW relationship is based on an 'excitement that must disappear'... well, that is your view, your conclusion. Perhaps that wasn't the case. You may NOT be correct.
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 And your argument in this case is based on what, exactly? I don't have to have an argument unless you are calling me out.. Are you ? Then you are going to need to bring your arguments as well.. By the way... Living in a household and watching my father cheat on my mom and then my step mom and cheat on all his mistresses is the experince that bases my knowledge.. I have lived thru it..Have seen all his friends do the same.. My view is not skewed in the least bit.. It's called reality
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I would think twice about marrying somebody that cheated on their spouse. If he did it to her he will most likely do it to you. Isn't it odd how MM will only ever cheat on the OW (a person who he may well be in love with... you know, people meet someone they're more compatable with AFTER they got married..?) and never ever oh no never on the W. Isn't it odd the way it's only the OW who get these sorts of warnings? I don't hear so much of the 'he may cheat on you again! divorce him!' comments on LS. Perhaps He Made A Mistake in marrying. Perhaps he isn't a 'cake-eater'. Perhaps he wants to get divorced but is feeling guilty?
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I don't have to have an argument unless you are calling me out.. Are you ? Then you are going to need to bring your arguments as well.. By the way... Living in a household and watching my father cheat on my mom and then my step mom and cheat on all his mistresses is the experince that bases my knowledge.. I have lived thru it..Have seen all his friends do the same.. My view is not skewed in the least bit.. It's called reality Well yes, I am calling you out, but not in a bad way. Sometimes people are cheats. Sometimes, people cheat. You cannot tar people with the same brush because of similar behaviour.
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 You cannot tar people with the same brush because of similar behaviour. Oh yes you can.. It is a character defect that ALL cheating MM have. You just want to believe that yours isn't going to cheat on you.. And just why wouldn't he ??
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Your point of view is based on a relationship between MM and OW which you chose not to pursue (unless I read your history on LS incorrectly?) You assume that the MM/OW relationship is based on an 'excitement that must disappear'... well, that is your view, your conclusion. Perhaps that wasn't the case. You may NOT be correct. I don't mean it will "disappear" but alot of the excitement that OW has expressed is the "tabooness" (hey new word!) of the TYPE of relationship between MM/OW. It is MUCH MORE intense, passionate and emotional because of hurt feelings due to the fact the MM goes home to his wife. He spends holidays with his wife, trips away with his wife...I'm sure to the OW that really hurts, so therefore having something you can't have fully must suck. As for me, I allowed myself to develope feelings for someone else, he felt it too, crossed the line by talking about it, fantasizing and dreaming about what it could be like but nothing ever came of it. The intent was never there ... Neither of us were ever in any real danger of actually meeting up, hooking up as this was an online friend. I can sympathize with the OW on here, but I tell ya, the one thing I NEVER ever felt was jealously or resentment towards his wife nor he felt it with my hubby. My history on LS is what it is. I came here, got some advice, and the person who helped me along, made me see things from a new light was DazednConfused. What he went through, I knew I could NEVER do and inflict that pain on my hubby. At that time I was not in a good place emotionally, hubby and I were not connecting at all, and I happen to connect with someone very unexpectedly who made me feel better about me and made me understand alot of why I was feeling the way I was. Dazed helped me look at it from a different angle because he recongized the "intent" was never there... I learned alot about me and along the way met someone special who I know I helped alot. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time...Maybe my own personal experience HAD to happen to get to where I am now. I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone else, and that wasn't right. I know that now, but in a way it's WHO I AM as I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve with just about everybody... I don't care whether I'm right or wrong Sami, it's not important. With that being said if I can help or help prevent an OW from making a mistake, I will do my best to discourage her and get her OUT of the situation of being OW. You tell me, is it worth all that pain and suffering?
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Oh yes you can.. It is a character defect that ALL cheating MM have. You just want to believe that yours isn't going to cheat on you.. And just why wouldn't he ?? You believe you can extrapolate from any behaviour to say that someone has the same motive? OK. Well, that's your view. My what? Wouldn't what?
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 You believe you can extrapolate from any behaviour to say that someone has the same motive? OK. Well, that's your view. My what? Wouldn't what? Your just disagreeing with anything written Sami How about offering some advice ?? In Fact why are you so defensive.. you must the MM Are you ?
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I don't care whether I'm right or wrong Sami, it's not important. With that being said if I can help or help prevent an OW from making a mistake, I will do my best to discourage her and get her OUT of the situation of being OW. You tell me, is it worth all that pain and suffering? This is odd, because for some reason I thought whichwayisup was a man involved with an OW..? Hey I really have been reading too much here! Sorry I, too, would agree that getting an OW out of a negative situation would be something I'd aim for. 'Is it worth all that pain and suffering?' ... I'd have to ask, is what? Not sure what you're asking here.
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Your just disagreeing with anything written Sami How about offering some advice ?? In Fact why are you so defensive.. you must the MM Are you ? Well, no, I'm not just disagreeing with 'anything that is written'. I was questioning what you'd written. I am not offering advice, I'm offering an alternative perspective. Which I think is in keeping with my original post on this thread. No, I'm not an MM. In fact, until recently I was an OW. I really hope that doesn't restrict what I can say on this forum!
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I really hope that doesn't restrict what I can say on this forum! Of course not.. But you are not even offering an alternative perspective.. You are just attacking other peoples advice.
brubaker2004 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Sami, I agree with the "sometimes people are cheats, sometimes people cheat" theory. i think that if we were talking about a MW who cheated because she was not getting the love/affection from her H then people would be more sympathetic and not label her as a "serial cheater". but in most of the posts on this forum we talk about how a MM will cheat over and over and any OW would be a fool to marry him. while i agree that is the case SOME of the time, i do not think it is always the case. people/situations, for the most part, are not that black and white.
Sami_D Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Of course not.. But you are not even offering an alternative perspective.. You are just attacking other peoples advice. Well now you chased me down to being an ex OW (not so long ago you felt 'sorry' for me on this very forum... if you restricted your expertise you might remember the people you interacted with, but I digress...) No, I wasn't 'attacking' anyone. I was asking... of the people who gave their point of view... what was their basis for this POV. Well, ArtCritic... you have said. Your father was a serial cheater. That doesn't mean that every man who ever took an interest in another woman has the same motives.
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Well, ArtCritic... you have said. Your father was a serial cheater. That doesn't mean that every man who ever took an interest in another woman has the same motives. you are right.. but if you throw in all of his friends.. (6) and then divide the number of married men in my life by 7 ..I think I can say that in my experience that yes the chances are that if they cheat once they will cheat again and cheat on who they are cheating with..
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