Being wary before giving your heart away

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

My experience with dating has been very odd to say the least.

I was single from 20 years old to 33 years old. I went out with a friend who asked me out. My suspicions at the time were that the guy who asked me out, wasn't the right guy. But I was so desperate, I said yes ( anyone would have said yes, if being single for that long) it lasted seven months. I suspect he was desperate too. Then straight afterwards ( well five months later) miraculously, I found someone new, which wasn't what I was expecting. My track record at that time, meant that I was single for years, but I was single for for a mere five months and I fell head of heals with this guy. Hook, line and sinker. I thought I would marry this guy in a nano-second. Turns out, he was a covert narcissist, a lier and a not very nice guy. So generally, when it comes to men, I haven't really attracted, the right guys.

Now after I guess 2 and a half years of singleness, I am getting to know someone else. He has come on strong, with some love bombing ( which I am careful of) and one of the phone calls he talked about himself a lot. I don't want to judge him with the same yard stick as the same guys before, BUT, I do have boundaries after being hurt I guess, but then, I do not want to wait forever. I think I was single, for too long over all and it affected my self-esteem, made me fearful.

 

I feel like I am my own worst enemy in this. I really pray some people out there can give me advice on how to navigate dating because it can be a rigmarole and sometimes you just want to give up! 

 

Thanks Daisy xo

Edited August 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
unnecessary use of bold font

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

He has come on strong, with some love bombing ( which I am careful of)

Can you give some examples of what he's doing, exactly?

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I am getting to know someone else

Have you met him in person yet? 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Thanks for your reply. Have I met him one on one? No. We are talking, we were kinda set up ten years ago through Facebook as Facebook friends. He got married to someone else and then when his son was six months old, his ex-wife left him and took their son with her.

 

He love bombs me like " hey beautiful girl" hey gorgeous. Hey darling. I like you ' and I feel like I'm in the ' getting to know him stage" I'm opening up to him slowly and stated that I would like to get to know him. But he has said I'm pushing him away. But it's like it's been one week of chatting through text. We haven't set up a date yet because our country is back into lockdown due to the delta variant.

 I also said I just feel like in the past I've rushed relationships only for them to reveal their true colours and I've learnt my true lesson that a rushed relationship isn't always the healthiest.

 

He said that he thinks he disagrees. That  people don’t reveal who they are until you’re in a relationship and then it’s too late because you have waited to long and you’re getting married to them

 

So get married early and then find out if someone is toxic later on for it to be too late to change your mind?

 

I'm not sure

Edited August 22, 2021 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher

[elaine567]

50 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

. He got married to someone else and then when his son was six months old, his ex-wife left him and took their son with her.

This may evoke sympathy "Oh poor guy" but the question that really needs asked is why did she leave him?
Why did she feel it was necessary to uproot herself and her kid?
Many women will stick it out rather than have their kid grow up in a single parent family.
What was so bad here that she felt she had to leave?
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

 he has said I'm pushing him away. 

Well you're right to push someone like this away . So many red flags .

Complains about and demonizes ex. Insincere flattery. Won't meet only BSs on FB.

Cut your losses. At best he's a time waster and player.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

But he has said I'm pushing him away

How are you pushing him away if you've only been chatting for a week?

[Alpacalia]

You are correct to be wary of excessive flattery and pet names, particularly during the first week of speaking with someone new. Because you don't believe it's genuine, what he perceives as "pushing away" is simply a natural reaction on your part.

Of course, he may simply want you to know he likes you, but frequent praises may indicate that he doesn't know how to walk the fine line between just enough and absolute overkill.

Still, if he's complimenting you a lot and not asking questions to get to know you better, then that's odd.

No date set up yet and ex drama? I'd keep one eye open.

Edited August 22, 2021 by Alpaca

[Gaeta]

You're smart to be questionning this situation, see your instinct works! you just need to listen to it. You block this guy and keep your search till you find one that doesn't ring an alarm. 

Everything you said about him is a red flag!

[Lotsgoingon]

Can you afford to go to therapy?

Sounds like you've got some serious issues in relating to people, and right now, a therapist would be ideal for you, a good one of course. At a key point when I was starting to grow up, a sharp therapist helped me navigate an important relationship. 

Now the short answer to your question is that you want to show interest and open your heart gradually, incrementally.

Wipe your brain of all the notions of wild "love" that is instant and enduring and automatic and forever. There's a lot of work in a long-term relationship. But for you, think of a relationship the same as a friendship or any other relationship. 

The process:

I meet someone I like, I note in my body that I really liked talking/hanging out with this person. So I express an interest meet again. I'm not committing to this person being my best friend. I don't know the person. So I open up a little, express some interest.

Then I pause, and I wait for them to reciprocate. (This action-reciprocation often happens so fast that we miss it.) So the other person says yes, they'd like to meet up with me again as well.

Boom. We've just completed a step. Notice: at this point, I still have no idea if the person is a closet serial killer or what they're really like. 

So we meet. Boom, I just how I felt at the meeting and how I think after spending more time with this person. I could be turned off completely. I could think "yeah, I'd like to hang out with this person 2x a year." Or I might think this is someone who could be a great friend. 

At each step, I stop, pause, figure out how I feel. And if I don't feel safe and valued, if I don't really want to go forward, then I stop right there.

Bottom line: you open up your heart gradually, step by step. And that's how you sorta protect yourself. I say sorta because at any point, you might feel the other person shows another side of themselves that you don't like. Or the other person might do something you really hate. And you give up hope for a closer relationship. 

The other task for you is to develop more friendships--friends can help us navigate romance. 

 

 

[glows]

6 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

Thanks for your reply. Have I met him one on one? No. We are talking, we were kinda set up ten years ago through Facebook as Facebook friends. He got married to someone else and then when his son was six months old, his ex-wife left him and took their son with her.

 

He love bombs me like " hey beautiful girl" hey gorgeous. Hey darling. I like you ' and I feel like I'm in the ' getting to know him stage" I'm opening up to him slowly and stated that I would like to get to know him. But he has said I'm pushing him away. But it's like it's been one week of chatting through text. We haven't set up a date yet because our country is back into lockdown due to the delta variant.

 I also said I just feel like in the past I've rushed relationships only for them to reveal their true colours and I've learnt my true lesson that a rushed relationship isn't always the healthiest.

 

He said that he thinks he disagrees. That  people don’t reveal who they are until you’re in a relationship and then it’s too late because you have waited to long and you’re getting married to them

 

So get married early and then find out if someone is toxic later on for it to be too late to change your mind?

 

I'm not sure

If it doesn’t feel good speaking with him chances are there’s a very good reason why. He seems very insincere. 

Also, good post by Lotsgoingon. I would read and reread there if you’re not sure how to go about dating or getting to know someone.

[Miss Spider]

You can’t control it, in my experience. You can try, but your heart just kind of does what it wants 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

You can’t control it, in my experience. You can try, but your heart just kind of does what it wants 

There is truth to that!  And let chips fall where they may.

If it doesn't work, so be, you move on and hopefully learned something. 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

It's a bit difficult to go into therapy because of lockdown but I find that I have a counsellor that I enjoy seeing once every two months and she is free too. I think the time of being single ( which was long) has made me anxious and fearful because I didn't have a lot of experience so I had to gain it through dates etc...and eventually, dates became relationships. One, in particular, was with a narc and although it was painful, I am grateful for the experience. You always have to be grateful for the things you learned.

I also have a friend I have opened up to about this sort of thing and she gives great advice. 

I just knew this time, I would do things differently. And it's amazing when you remain guarded who is just saying they respect that and who is respecting that. It's great that if you meet someone, they are eager to get married and stating that is fine, but some people also go too eager with the " looking for a wife" rather than being content with the person they're getting to know.

It shouldn't be like auditioning for a part in an off-Broadway way play. No one should have to audition for the part of "wife" and work out the details later.

 

[Miss Spider]

I like who I like and I don’t try to stop it. I LOVE that feeling like a fat kid loves cake. Why would I want to stop it. It’s like the best feeling in the world to like someone and to be excited about them. where  even looking in their eyes is like a roller coaster ride in the best way. I will never understand people that are trying not to feel that way

Enjoy it while it lasts Bc it usually doesn’t 

Edited August 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I like who I like and I don’t try to stop it. I LOVE that feeling like a fat kid loves cake. Why would I want to stop it. It’s like the best feeling in the world to like someone and to be excited about them. where  even looking in their eyes is like a roller coaster ride in the best way. I will never understand people that are trying not to feel that way

Enjoy it while it lasts Bc it usually doesn’t 

Yup, it's called romance and it rocks! 

I like the feeling to last though so pace it and temper expectations while still feeling the high - the missing, the longing. I love that feeling!

I think people are guarded cause they are afraid of getting hurt, but it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy cause the more guarded one is, the more likely to push others away and thus getting hurt! 

[Miss Spider]

What do you mean by temper expectations? 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

What do you mean by temper expectations? 

Lower, keep realistic.   You know my typical spiel - detach from the outcome, enjoy the moment, and all that jazz, lol. 

[Miss Spider]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Lower, keep realistic.   You know my typical spiel - detach from the outcome, enjoy the moment, and all that jazz, lol. 

Sorry. I think I meant what do you mean by “expectations” in this context? 

[Miss Spider]

Nvm sorry I think I get what you mean now like DTR, getting married etc . 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Nvm sorry I think I get what you mean now like DTR, getting married etc . 

Not just getting married, expecting a LTR too.

When I meet a man I'm attracted to and him to me, it's an awesome feeling, a total high! 

Like I said, I love missing him, the longing, all those feelings, that's why I'm ok with distance and space. 

At the time when feeling those emotions, I might "hope" it leads to a serious relationship, but honestly I do not "expect" it, my mind simply does not go to that place, I literally am able to enjoy the moment and take it one day at a time.  

I have been like this ever since I can remember, even with my first boyfriend in high school! 

Hope that explains!  

 

Edited August 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Not just getting married, expecting a LTR too.

When I meet a man I'm attracted to and him to me, it's an awesome feeling, a total high! 

Like I said, I love missing him, the longing, all those feelings, that's why I'm ok with distance and space. 

At the time when feeling those emotions, I might "hope" it leads to a serious relationship, but honestly I do not "expect" it, my mind simply does not go to that place, I literally am able to enjoy the moment and take it one day at a time.  

I have been like this ever since I can remember, even with my first boyfriend in high school! 

Hope that explains!  

 

But what does that do with sorting out what a red flag is. If you don't know someone and you get off on the " high" then you might come to regret it later. People love bomb people only to completely discard them once that phase is over.  You realise that person that made you feel "high" doesn't really exist and has never existed.

There is a difference between setting mature expectations and boundaries and being guarded. I like to go slow because I don't want to get ahead of myself. If there is a lot to learn, then there is no rush.

If someone is love bombing you and making you feel a " soul mate connection" and whimsical then chances are they are narcissistic. I go slow, because its the right thing to do.

Edited August 22, 2021 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

If you don't know someone and you get off on the "high" then you might come to regret it later. 

Nah, I never regret anything I do.  I may regret the things I DON'T do, like take a risk due to fear of getting hurt.

Seriously, I learn from every single dating experience and interaction, positive or negative, whether I get hurt or not.

Re "red flags" to me they are subjective.  What's a red flag to one person may not be to another.

I'm the type of person who prefers to play things out, if I get hurt, so be, I move on and learn.

I'm resilient, smart and know how to protect myself. 

Edited August 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

 

But what does that do with sorting out what a red flag is. If you don't know someone and you get off on the " high" then you might come to regret it later. People love bomb people only to completely discard them once that phase is over.  You realise that person that made you feel "high" doesn't really exist and has never existed.

There is a difference between setting mature expectations and boundaries and being guarded. I like to go slow because I don't want to get ahead of myself. If there is a lot to learn, then there is no rush.

If someone is love bombing you and making you feel a " soul mate connection" and whimsical then chances are they are narcissistic. I go slow, because its the right thing to do.

I agree you shouldn’t ignore red flags. There’s a a difference between liking/falling hard for someone and ignoring red flags. If you have high self-worth, you can differentiate the two a lot more easily. You can really like a guy, but see that there are too many red flags /stuff that’s making you feel uncomfortable about him and cut it off and find another you feel strong about without those sirens. Yes I don’t think “going slow” is going to help in that case either. Sounds more like delaying the inevitable. 
 

[Miss Spider]

Oops wrong place 

Edited August 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

But what does that do with sorting out what a red flag is. If you don't know someone and you get off on the " high" then you might come to regret it later.

It depends what your goal is. For some people they want a long term “marriage style” relationship, so how it starts isn’t really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Can be slow and steady or fireworks or something in between. For others it’s that initial “high” that really matters to them, and whether it turns into a meaningful relationship or not is irrelevant. 
 

And yes, if you’re seeking something meaningful and long term, you might regret it. Not the “high” per se, but the time you wasted on someone by ignoring the flags to keep experiencing that high.

Edited August 22, 2021 by Weezy1973