BNKSTR0308 Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 My fiancé and I have been together for just over 2 years, although we’ve known eachother for 10. We both have our own kids from previous relationships or marriage. My son 10 and his son 13. My ex husband and I have 50/50 chafed custody of my son and he pretty much has full custody of his son as the BM has a terrible relationship with thier son. His son is a lung transplant recipient and because of this they have an unusually close bond. As a fellow parent, I understand the bond we have with our children. However anytime I point out things that seem out of the norm, I’m accused of not understand because my child is not a transplant recipient. we are in the process or trying to buy a new home, so as of right now we do not live together. His son literally dictates his life! If he’s with his mom (who he doesn’t get along with) he can call my fiancé at 3 am to pick him up.... and he will! He is 13 and still sleeps in bed with him. I’m not able to even stay the night when his son is home because his son gets pissed and can’t fall asleep on his own. It has now been 4 months since we’ve had Alex because his son REFUSES to stay the night anywhere else and will never leave us alone when home. His son said when we move in together his dad can sleep half with me and half with him..... and my fiancé agreed!! Most recently my fiancé had made reservations for a date night. When his niece had to cancel last minute he told his son to call his mom to see if she would be home. My fiancé said he called and texted and he never heard back... date night ruined. However when I looked at his phone records I noticed he never once tried to call or text his mom.... I’ve tried to have numerous conversations with my fiancé and delicately state my opinion on how their relationship is too close and that although him and I get along well, that I feel like he’s manipulating me and trying to sabotage things... this always ends up as an argument because I don’t have a child that’s a transplant recipient and since I share custody I don’t know what it’s like (previous stay at home mom here btw). I feel it’s important to have atleast 1 night a month to ourselves and if his son starts complaining he instantly caves.... is it wrong for me to think 13 is too old to sleep with your parent?! How do I have a conversation with him about this ? There seems to be a line between parent and child that he’s not getting
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 (edited) I would not buy a home with this man given the circumstances. I am not a parent so will let folks with the proper experience address the rest. However, 13 does seem way too old to be sleeping together and this situation sounds incredibly strange and frustrating. You seem stuck with little agency or power in the relationship. Edited August 22, 2021 by ClearEyes-FullHeart 4
FudgeSwirl Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 While I do not agree with a thirteen-year-old consistently sleeping with a parent, his son has a lot of needs that will affect your relationship. I can only imagine how tough a time it could have been for both your fiancé and his son in the events that led up to him receiving a transplant as well as the long recovery period and constant fear of rejection at every annual appointment. However it's not normal for his son to take up all his time as long as he has no complications post-transplant. As for picking up his son from his mother's house in the middle of the night, if there was some sort of serious conflict between him and his mom or she had done something really hurtful that made him uncomfortable or feel unsafe to be in her home I don't see anything wrong with your fiancé picking him up. On the other hand if it is frequent occurrence, your fiancé has to address this with his mother or get her visitation rights reevaluated. Because your fiancé sees nothing wrong in your relationship, you need to explain how you feel. With kids involved in the picture, it's not unreasonable to have at least one date night a month. If he is not willing to consider your needs and keeps throwing in your face you just do not understand what it's like to have a child with a transplant then it might be time for you to really consider if you want to continue this relationship. I would not buy a house with him until you know you are 100% sure about him. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 You absolutely need to NOT buy a home with this man anytime soon. This situation with his son is dysfunctional to say the least, and you have no control over it. You cannot change it. If you move in with this man, you are signing up to deal with all these issues a LOT more. You can't tell him how to parent his son or what kind of relationship to have with his son. You only have control over YOUR choices, and right now the smart choice would be to stay out of this and seriously rethink this relationship. 3
Wiseman2 Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 (edited) Sorry to hear this. You're not compatible. Unfortunately it's not your call how he and the boy's mother raise him. You need to butt out. . You can observe how he and his son interact, but it's not for you to change that. You gloss over whatever serious illness the child has that necessitated a lung transplant. Perhaps he almost died. Obviously he is in fragile condition and has serious medical problems. You don't seem cut out for being the step parent of a seriously ill child if you're jealous of a 13 y/o boy. It's notable that you use disrespect contemptuous terms for the child's mother. You're using "BM" as textspeak for baby mama? Your BF is the problem. You're incompatible. It's not working now and it doesn't seem like it will in the future. Edited August 22, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Blind-Sided Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 Don't buy a house with this guy... and do not marry him. Just because his kid had a lung transplant, doesn't allow him to be a "Bad Kid". And worse... that doesn't mean that dad needs to cave into everything the kid wants. I had a buddy with CF, and had a lung transplant. Because he was in hospitals so much as a kid... he couldn't wait to have his own place, and take care of himself. He was a great friend, and we had a lot of fun together. He was far from being someone who needed coddled, and we would do motorcycle track days together. Unfortunately... at the age of 26... he passed. Unless your BF's kid has tubes hanging out of him, and dad needs to give medical care to the kid... everything you are seeming is because it's a learned response. The kid knows he can get want he wants, and dad will give it to him.
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 I agree with everybody else. Do not marry this man & do not buy a house with him. The son is #1 in his life & there is no room for you. There never will be until dad learns to set boundaries. Dad has no interest in doing so. That leaves you out in the cold. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 I back up everyone else: your thinking is just off on this relationship. It's terrible, awful. You should be keeping distance from this guy. The son's behavior and the father's relationship with the son is a red flag. Flaming. Loud. Obvious. Stop. Something deeper is going on here that you don't feel you can live in a way that protects your own wellbeing. You gotta learn how to be more selfish in relationships, more assertive. This one is not a close call. Not a "on the one hand" and "on the other." 4
LucyLocket Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 I would step back and cool off the relationship, and definitely would not buy a house with this person. The whole scenario sounds very toxic and you're thinking of making it permanent?Have you thought that maybe the reason the son doesn't get along with his mother is that she doesn't mollycoddle him the way his dad does? Maybe she doesn't tolerate his selfishness? Ringing his dad in the middle of the night to pick him up from his mother's place is just obnoxious. Unless she's threatening him in some way it sounds like your fiance is pandering to the son's behavior as a way of getting back at his ex because it makes her look like a villain. I assume you mean you haven't had sex , (Alex? ), for 4 months because of the son's demands. Having, or having had, a serious illness does not give anyone the right to behave so selfishly, and the kid is old enough to be set straight in no uncertain terms. Many children go through life-threatening illness, some behave like champions, some behave like spoiled brats. Your fiance is having a lend of you with his "You don't understand because your child isn't a transplant recipient" stuff, you need to shut that down and point out that his son is on the cusp of adulthood, and all his father is teaching him is to expect other people to pander to his selfish whims, and you do understand because you are a mother, and that statement is just undermining you and invalidating you. I think the only way you would get through to him how unreasonable and unfair he's being is by ending the relationship. Do you really want to co-own property with someone who treats you like a fool?
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Deal breakers all around don't you think? There is nothing that's going to change and you know it. I'm sure you have had a few conversations about it, but nothing happens. I personally would hand that ring back and say to myself "what was I thinking?"
glows Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Children and how to raise them can be sensitive subjects. You can mention your suggestions but I don’t see this going over well and wouldn’t expect any changes. By having to explain yourself you’re also at some level expecting to be understood. I’d set some realistic expectations about dating this man. Date if you want to date but it doesn’t go further than that in any commitment. You have a choice to leave this and find someone much more available or similar/compatible to you. Don’t waste your time getting upset at a situation that won’t change or can’t change.
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 BTW this isn't the son sabotaging your relationship, it's him your fiance, a father who can't set proper boundaries/guidelines with his kid. He's your problem not his son. 4
spiderowl Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) Is this the same guy you wrote about before who said he wasn't sexually attracted to you because of your weight? If it is, he was insensitive and uncaring then. He has no desire to make it possible for you and he to sleep together alone if he is not attracted to you. It sounds like he consciously or unconsciously using the boy as a barrier to a sex life with you. That is incredibly insulting and you should not stay in a relationship with a guy who behaves like this. I can see that his son will mean everything to him and we do not know what a tortuous rollercoaster they have been on in trying to save their son's life. Depending on what was wrong with the son, the danger may not be over and I can understand the father being very anxious and over-protective. This is a separate issue from whether or not the father is attracted to you. With regard to your partner rushing out to collect his son in the middle of the night, none of us know what the son's mother is like. It may be that the boy is using one parent against the other, to get attention when he wants it, but if his mother is an alcoholic or something who turns nasty when she drinks, I can well understand the son wanting out in the middle of the night. I do know of a family who had this kind of issue. So there are many complicated things going on that you will need to think through. If this guy is still not attracted to you, then you need to dump him and certainly do not move in with him. His attitude towards you is not going to change, he's not going to wean the boy off him because he doesn't want to sleep with you. The guy's feelings towards YOU are what matter and he is not making you happy. I wonder why you haven't already dumped a guy who was being so negative about you? You really don't have to put up with it and there is no point trying to 'win him round' - you just shouldn't have to. Why don't you dump this guy and give yourself the chance to meet someone who truly loves you? Edited August 23, 2021 by spiderowl
Miss Spider Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 On 8/22/2021 at 11:37 PM, spiderowl said: Is this the same guy you wrote about before who said he wasn't sexually attracted to you because of your weight? If it is, he was insensitive and uncaring then. He has no desire to make it possible for you and he to sleep together alone if he is not attracted to you. It sounds like he consciously or unconsciously using the boy as a barrier to a sex life with you. That is incredibly insulting and you should not stay in a relationship with a guy who behaves like this. I can see that his son will mean everything to him and we do not know what a tortuous rollercoaster they have been on in trying to save their son's life. Depending on what was wrong with the son, the danger may not be over and I can understand the father being very anxious and over-protective. This is a separate issue from whether or not the father is attracted to you. With regard to your partner rushing out to collect his son in the middle of the night, none of us know what the son's mother is like. It may be that the boy is using one parent against the other, to get attention when he wants it, but if his mother is an alcoholic or something who turns nasty when she drinks, I can well understand the son wanting out in the middle of the night. I do know of a family who had this kind of issue. So there are many complicated things going on that you will need to think through. If this guy is still not attracted to you, then you need to dump him and certainly do not move in with him. His attitude towards you is not going to change, he's not going to wean the boy off him because he doesn't want to sleep with you. The guy's feelings towards YOU are what matter and he is not making you happy. I wonder why you haven't already dumped a guy who was being so negative about you? You really don't have to put up with it and there is no point trying to 'win him round' - you just shouldn't have to. Why don't you dump this guy and give yourself the chance to meet someone who truly loves you? This
Author BNKSTR0308 Posted August 27, 2021 Author Posted August 27, 2021 Thank you for all of the replies! Yea this is the same guy and we have discussed his issues at length. I had broken things off for about 2 weeks back then. He has saw how rude and insensitive his comments were. We have been intimate many times since then. However it did also show me that I needed to get healthy for myself also. In response to the comments like On 8/22/2021 at 6:16 AM, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear this. You're not compatible. Unfortunately it's not your call how he and the boy's mother raise him. You need to butt out. . You can observe how he and his son interact, but it's not for you to change that. You gloss over whatever serious illness the child has that necessitated a lung transplant. Perhaps he almost died. Obviously he is in fragile condition and has serious medical problems. You don't seem cut out for being the step parent of a seriously ill child if you're jealous of a 13 y/o boy. It's notable that you use disrespect contemptuous terms for the child's mother. You're using "BM" as textspeak for baby mama? Your BF is the problem. You're incompatible. It's not working now and it doesn't seem like it will in the future. He had his HEART transplant 12.5 years ago and is not currently ill. He’s actually one of the healthiest kids I know! The fact that you’re trying to paint me out to be some insensitive lunatic is unfair. IM A MOM TOO! I don’t have many nice things to say about his ex, however I will say that anytime he has went and picked him up it was NEVER because he was in danger. He just wanted to come home... My point of the post was to see if anyone has ever had an issue with blended families and if my interpretation of their “close” relationship was odd. I understand concerns with his health, possible future issues, etc I even go to the doctor with them. I also understand that I will never be more important than his son (as no one will for my son). But if my son called me in the middle of the night to come get him “just because”.... I’d say no!! I’ve tried staying the night several times... and each time his son pisses a b**** and makes back handed comments about having to sleep in his own bed..... to me at 13.... that’s weird! I just keep thinking that he’s about to be in high school and “things” are going to start happening while you sleep and do you really wanna be in bed with your dad when they do ?!?! I think what’s upsetting the MOST is that his son will act like he likes me, tell me he loves me, and throw a fit if he has to sleep by himself..... BUT will make comments to my fiancé about how it’s weird that I never stay the night when he’s there.... maybe I’m thinking too much into it, but to me that seems calculated. Idk
basil67 Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 (edited) He's a child! And he's a product of his upbringing and boundaries. As sharing the bed with his dad is his "normal", it's completely understandable that he gets mad if you take his space. The problem is with your fiance continuing to allow the co sleeping to continue and not encouraging the boy to grow up. Edited August 28, 2021 by basil67
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Posted August 28, 2021 12 hours ago, BNKSTR0308 said: He had his HEART transplant 12.5 years ago and is not currently ill. Was it a heart-lung transplant? The point is the father is overprotective and you don't like it. But it is what it is and you're not going to sever that . You're simply not compatible. On 8/21/2021 at 8:28 PM, BNKSTR0308 said: His son is a lung transplant recipient and because of this they have an unusually close bond.
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