ironpony Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 My birthday is coming up and my family likes to do a gathering for it every year. However, me and my gf have been dating for almost three months now, so I wonder if she expects to be introduced and be brought to such a gathering? What do you think? It's just that my parents were really judgmental about your age difference once they asked me my gfs age and I told them she was 21 which is 16 years younger than me. The disagreement got kind of heated, so I wonder if I should invite her to come along at this point? Or would that be a good idea still, relationship points wise, and will make me look secure about it more? What do you think?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 50 minutes ago, ironpony said: It's just that my parents were really judgmental about your age difference once they asked me my gfs age and I told them she was 21 which is 16 years younger than me. The disagreement got kind of heated, so I wonder if I should invite her to come along at this point? Do you think they would make your girlfriend feel uncomfortable and unwelcome?
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 Is the gathering organised by your parents? In their home? If so, you need to speak to them about it before hand. I would not advise you to just show up with the gf in tow, knowing they vehemently disapprove.
Blind-Sided Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: Is the gathering organized by your parents? In their home? If so, you need to speak to them about it before hand. I would not advise you to just show up with the gf in tow, knowing they vehemently disapprove. I agree. BUT... this could be a way of making a point. If your folks say she is not welcome... then just don't show up yourself. Yes, they will be angry, but tell them (after) that since they didn't support your choices... then you didn't want to be there.
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 No, do not. Wait for your parents to come around and ASK to meet her. At some point your parents will recognize this woman enhance your life and they'll stop being so judgemental. I am in a situation like you. My parents and siblings have expressed some serious prejudice against the man I am daing because he's Muslim. They will meet him when they beg me to bring him over, not before.
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: No, do not. Wait for your parents to come around and ASK to meet her. At some point your parents will recognize this woman enhance your life and they'll stop being so judgemental. I am in a situation like you. My parents and siblings have expressed some serious prejudice against the man I am daing because he's Muslim. They will meet him when they beg me to bring him over, not before. I agree injecting more aggro into the situation tends to make people just dig their heels in and breeds resentment. Before you know it you have a family feud on your hands. As ironpony relies on his parents to provide a roof over his head, he needs their good will.
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said: I agree. BUT... this could be a way of making a point. If your folks say she is not welcome... then just don't show up yourself. Yes, they will be angry, but tell them (after) that since they didn't support your choices... then you didn't want to be there. That is blackmailing to me. He loves his parents, he needs them in his life. Threatening to remove the person they love if they don't obey his wishes is blackmail in my eyes. She is also girlfriend of 3 months, not a life partner or a wife. 1
Author ironpony Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 (edited) Oh okay, it's just that my gf is eager to make a good impression on my parents, especially since they are worried about the age difference issue. So I thought maybe she would think it was good of me to invite her perhaps, but I want to do what is best as well. Also, there is no blackmailing going on on my parents part, they just seem to be judgmental of the relationship and wondered if meeting her would ease their minds more, and get a better impression most likely. But I also thought that if I didn't invite her, she may get a turned off impression, and be thinking "why didn't you invite me after this time", so to speak? Edited August 21, 2021 by ironpony
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 1 minute ago, ironpony said: Also, there is no blackmailing going on on my parents part.. No-one said there was.
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 Don't just spring this introduction on your parents. Tell them you would like to bring her to your birthday celebration & see how they react. Hopefully they will be civil & gracious. But if you get any inkling that they will be anything other than hospitable to your new young GF, keep them apart. Problem is your GF will feel unloved & unwelcome if she knows in advance that family birthday traditions are important to you & she's been excluded. She will think you are the reason she couldn't come. Even if you tell her your parents aren't keen on her age, she will be hurt. So before you know what's what, do not mention your family traditions to her. 2
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: I agree. BUT... this could be a way of making a point. It’s their home. He lives with his parents. He owes them the courtesy of telling them that he is inviting someone for dinner. It’s more likely to be successful if you don’t spring it on them. OP is not a rebellious teenager, if he wants to be treated with respect, he needs to behave respectfully. 4
glows Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 (edited) Tell them you’d like to invite your girlfriend and if they disagree take their reasons into consideration. They maybe adamant that you’re making the wrong decision dating this person because you’re mismatched for more reason than just your age difference. It’s their home, ironpony. If you don’t like their disapproval you have to start being more independent or find the support/resources to move out and try to be self-sufficient. Barring that, don’t burn bridges with your parents or family members. Your girlfriend will find out eventually whether your parents approve of her or not so if you ask me, she can grow a thicker skin and continue to date you OR she can choose that you’re not the best fit for her based on your situation or family dynamics. You cannot hide your intentions and ongoings indefinitely or keep them or her or what anyone thinks a secret. So be honest with everyone and do what feels right to you. Edited August 21, 2021 by glows
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 (edited) Make sure you communicate this to your GF so she can understand that this is about your parents not her. But also if your parents inquire about her, talk freely and express your feelings about their attitude. Keep the line of communication open no matter how difficult. It would be best to introduce her to them on neutral ground, like taking them out for dinner to meet her. Edited August 21, 2021 by smackie9
Alvi Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 Look OP, it's your parent's house. Their house, their rules. If they are not keen on meeting your GF, then don't bring her. No point trying to push this. Maybe try to set up a meeting on a more mutual ground, like in a restaurant at some point later on.
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 13 hours ago, ironpony said: My birthday is coming up and my family likes to do a gathering for it every year. Do you and your parents usually invite friends and family or just some close relatives. If she's not invited it could be a deal breaker (snub) for her. Keep in mind, why is she good enough to have sex with but not be invited for your bday party?
Author ironpony Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you and your parents usually invite friends and family or just some close relatives. If she's not invited it could be a deal breaker (snub) for her. Keep in mind, why is she good enough to have sex with but not be invited for your bday party? Oh I didn't say she is not good enough to invite, I just wasn't sure if it was a good idea for my parents or not, if that makes sense? Usually it's just family, to answer the other question.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 Forget about your gf's expectation. You're mindreading there. I have to say: meeting parents was the lowest thing on my agenda when dating. The only time that mattered was when I felt there was a problem with the relationship. Otherwise, I didn't care about when I met the parents and three months sounds quite early to me. I don't think a year is too late. And with your critical family, a three-month visit could easily be self-destructive. Why rush towards a problem?! I'd bury this issue and think about it again at six months. If your gf is insecure, then that's an internal relationship issue that you need to address.
jspice Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 Why don’t you ask your parents and speak to your girlfriend?
Author ironpony Posted August 22, 2021 Author Posted August 22, 2021 That's true, if 3 months is too soon, then I can wait till Christmas or Thanksgiving if that's best.
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 2 hours ago, ironpony said: That's true, if 3 months is too soon, then I can wait till Christmas or Thanksgiving if that's best. Oh heavens no. Introductions around holidays are worse . . too much stress in every direction. Please don't put her or yourself through this. Dial all of the stress back & pick an ordinary day for the intros. 1
FudgeSwirl Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 If you have not mentioned this family tradition to your girlfriend, that's good. It gives you the opportunity to ask them if your girlfriend can come and if they say no, no harm done. If you already mentioned this to your girlfriend and your parents say no, it's understandably possible that your girlfriend will feel hurt or rejected. In this case you should be honest about your parents so she knows it's them and it's not you intentionally excluding her. Regardless of whether your girlfriend knows of your family's birthday plans or not, you can do a separate and special celebration with her. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 Do you think your parents will act weird towards her and make the whole thing awkward or uncomfortable? If so, then don't put her in that position.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 OP, several folks have (rightly) advised that you speak to your parents about inviting her, as it's their house. What do you think of this idea?
Blind-Sided Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 22 hours ago, Gaeta said: That is blackmailing to me. He loves his parents, he needs them in his life. Threatening to remove the person they love if they don't obey his wishes is blackmail in my eyes. She is also girlfriend of 3 months, not a life partner or a wife. Nooooooo............... There is no "Blackmailing" here. You miss read my post. It's a protest. He needs to talk nice with his folks. If they don't want the GF to be at the party, even tough our OP wants her there... then he will respectfully back down. Then... if the folks say... "Party at 7 pm on Sat"... our OP simply doesn't show up to his party. AFTER THE FACT... when the folks are mad and ask where was he... he simply says.... "you refused to allow someone I feel deeply about to attend, and I wanted to be with her." No... it's not respectful... but it seems like our OP needs to break away a little.
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2021 Posted August 22, 2021 36 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Nooooooo............... There is no "Blackmailing" here. You miss read my post. It's a protest. He needs to talk nice with his folks. If they don't want the GF to be at the party, even tough our OP wants her there... then he will respectfully back down. Then... if the folks say... "Party at 7 pm on Sat"... our OP simply doesn't show up to his party. AFTER THE FACT... when the folks are mad and ask where was he... he simply says.... "you refused to allow someone I feel deeply about to attend, and I wanted to be with her." No... it's not respectful... but it seems like our OP needs to break away a little. OP lives with his parents. It's their house, their rules, right? I find very disrespectful not showing up when his parents have invested time and money to throw a get together for him. If his parents have told him already he cannot bring her over then he should tell them ahead of time to NOT throw him a party this year as he wants her part of it and they won't accept that. 1
Recommended Posts