ConfusedGuy Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 Hi, this is my first post on here and im new to forums but impartial views may help me with my above dilemma. as you can tell I love my partner and deeply care for her but im not sure if im in love anymore. been together for 7 years and bought a place and moved in together just over a year ago and that took some adjusting. Before this took place I was having some minor doubts about the relationship and if it was what I wanted, I put this down to the change in way of life and general feelings when you move into a new place. since then I’ve found my mind wandering a lot into the ‘what I’d’ and ‘am I happy’ realms. There’s no sexual passion or drive on my part any longer since moving in and I generally looks for excuses not to do things with her and love it when she goes out with the girls - sounds terrible but it’s how I feel… there’s been talk of marriage and kids and I thought it was what I would like but in the last year or two I’ve not been so sure. I’m all over the place and feel being single, although I’d miss her as I do love and care for her, may resolve a lot of my issues and things. any help??
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 Make a pros & cons list. Are you sure you just don't have cold feet? If you are really done, end this but have a plan about what to do with the house. Can you buy her out? Can she buy you out? Will you sell it?
LuckyM Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 I think that only you can answer this. What has she done or not done for you to feel this way? Is she sexy to you or for you? What is your age? 20s?
chillii Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 Yeah l dunno man , doesn;t look good from where l stand. No interest , passion , avoiding time with her happy when she goes out , doubts a few yrs now . Think you know what all that means. 1
JRabbit Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 Why would you marry someone you have lost desire for. Sounds like the decision has already been made. 1
stillafool Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 If you are feeling this way about her now it will be much work after you marry her and real life sets in. You'll be miserable and so will she. Marry someone you're in love with and even then it's hard.
ShyViolet Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 Do not marry her. That would be a really bad decision which will just blow up in your face. It sounds like the relationship has run its course. You owe it to her to be honest with her and stop wasting any more of your time and hers.
glows Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 7 hours ago, ConfusedGuy said: Hi, this is my first post on here and im new to forums but impartial views may help me with my above dilemma. as you can tell I love my partner and deeply care for her but im not sure if im in love anymore. been together for 7 years and bought a place and moved in together just over a year ago and that took some adjusting. Before this took place I was having some minor doubts about the relationship and if it was what I wanted, I put this down to the change in way of life and general feelings when you move into a new place. since then I’ve found my mind wandering a lot into the ‘what I’d’ and ‘am I happy’ realms. There’s no sexual passion or drive on my part any longer since moving in and I generally looks for excuses not to do things with her and love it when she goes out with the girls - sounds terrible but it’s how I feel… there’s been talk of marriage and kids and I thought it was what I would like but in the last year or two I’ve not been so sure. I’m all over the place and feel being single, although I’d miss her as I do love and care for her, may resolve a lot of my issues and things. any help?? You're not really saying much about the situation itself, only your feelings which have waned. Love but not in love is a coined phrase splitting hairs and semantics. I've always found it quite useless and avoidant of what's going on. You're either committed or you're not, see a future with your partner or don't, want to be with them or not. I'm sure there's fear of loss, familiarity, comfort, fear of the unknown pressing at you if you separate or break up. That's the price you pay for the freedom you choose. If you can't see all those things or the future with your partner, then move on whether single or with someone else if you've already got a replacement. It's doubtful that your partner doesn't sense what you're thinking/feeling so I wouldn't be too sure about keeping your discontent or unease a secret. She may make the decision for you anyway if she has a mind of her own. I suggest talking about it if you're sincere in your care for her. Otherwise, make up your mind and be kind to the both of you - free yourselves.
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 20 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Make a pros & cons list. Are you sure you just don't have cold feet? If you are really done, end this but have a plan about what to do with the house. Can you buy her out? Can she buy you out? Will you sell it? I could do that… that’s the problem it could be cold feet but I’m not sure. It all feels very real. We get on really well and have great friends and things so ideally I believe I want it to work The house would be split evenly if we sold it I believe but I could be being naive
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 20 hours ago, LuckyM said: I think that only you can answer this. What has she done or not done for you to feel this way? Is she sexy to you or for you? What is your age? 20s? She’s not done anything at all - I mean yes we’ve had our problems like any other relationship - there has been some infidelity on both sides over the course of the relationship but we made it work and got over it all as we do really care for one another. I seem to have lost all interest in sex with her and I know she’s beautiful but I just don’t have that drive or excitement anymore! Yes I’m in my 20s almost 30!
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 16 hours ago, JRabbit said: Why would you marry someone you have lost desire for. Sounds like the decision has already been made. I do love her and hoping this would be a phase and I’d be able to try ride it out and come out better
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 16 hours ago, stillafool said: If you are feeling this way about her now it will be much work after you marry her and real life sets in. You'll be miserable and so will she. Marry someone you're in love with and even then it's hard. You have a very good point here. I understand love is hard and difficult that’s why I’ve been going with it, it may just be a phase
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 15 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Do not marry her. That would be a really bad decision which will just blow up in your face. It sounds like the relationship has run its course. You owe it to her to be honest with her and stop wasting any more of your time and hers. I realise it all sounds terrible and maybe you are right and it has ran it’s course and I have the same thoughts - it’s more to do with the regret I could feel if it was to come to an end but it would be something I have to live with
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Is there someone else? Not at all no, I have no genuine interest in a relationship with anyone else 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 I don't think this just a phase if you've been having doubts this long, OP. Had you dated much before you and she started your relationship?
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 7 year itch. Her time as a fertile women is precious, and finite, do not waste any more of it.
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 13 hours ago, glows said: You're not really saying much about the situation itself, only your feelings which have waned. Love but not in love is a coined phrase splitting hairs and semantics. I've always found it quite useless and avoidant of what's going on. You're either committed or you're not, see a future with your partner or don't, want to be with them or not. I'm sure there's fear of loss, familiarity, comfort, fear of the unknown pressing at you if you separate or break up. That's the price you pay for the freedom you choose. If you can't see all those things or the future with your partner, then move on whether single or with someone else if you've already got a replacement. It's doubtful that your partner doesn't sense what you're thinking/feeling so I wouldn't be too sure about keeping your discontent or unease a secret. She may make the decision for you anyway if she has a mind of her own. I suggest talking about it if you're sincere in your care for her. Otherwise, make up your mind and be kind to the both of you - free yourselves. That’s exactly what I feel - it’s the fear of the unknown. Maybe you’re right in what you say that I’m not committed or see a future etc. I believe she has sensed it, would be lying to myself if I said she must think it’s all rosy. you’re right - a tough conversation will have to be had regardless 1
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't think this just a phase if you've been having doubts this long, OP. Had you dated much before you and she started your relationship? I was hoping to be able to find and rekindle the passion and fire again but nothing so far so perhaps you’re right dated a little, not massively - I feel I wouldn’t be interested in any other relationship
Author ConfusedGuy Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: 7 year itch. Her time as a fertile women is precious, and finite, do not waste any more of it. Another great point Elaine and something I have wondered about myself as I’d feel terrible to be the reason she couldn’t have children 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 1 minute ago, ConfusedGuy said: I was hoping to be able to find and rekindle the passion and fire again but nothing so far so perhaps you’re right I think this has run its course, personally. And I imagine she knows, deep-down, that you're pulling away from her.
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 2 hours ago, ConfusedGuy said: I was hoping to be able to find and rekindle the passion and fire again but nothing so far What have you done to try to rekindle the passion? Maybe you need to step that up.
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 You've met around 20, you are not the same man you were 7 years ago. We change a great deal over our 20s so it's normal for those relationships that started young don't last. I married at 20 yo and when I reached 30 I was a completely different woman and realized I had nothing in common with the man I married. We don't pick a partner at 20 the same way we pick one at 30. What you are going through is normal under your circumstances. You are not married, you don't have children, don't force it. Of course you love her and care for her, but to go through the next 30 years you need to be 'in love'.
glows Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 6 hours ago, ConfusedGuy said: That’s exactly what I feel - it’s the fear of the unknown. Maybe you’re right in what you say that I’m not committed or see a future etc. I believe she has sensed it, would be lying to myself if I said she must think it’s all rosy. you’re right - a tough conversation will have to be had regardless So be frank about it. Talk with her or put in more effort. If you have checked out, lost effort or don’t want to make the effort don’t do the cowardly thing and expect her to get upset and break up with you. Put your fears aside and resolve this.
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 You can't do this alone! Talk to her man! I bet with honest communication you both can resolve this.
Recommended Posts