How long should you wait to sleep with someone?

[Alpacalia]

There's been a lot of talk lately and it got me thinking...

What is the best time to have sexual intercourse while you're dating someone fresh (assuming you don't want it to wind up in the casual file)?

A lot of people say that you should wait to be exclusive first but is that really necessary?

If so, why?

[Happy Lemming]

Based on my experiences, by the 3rd or 4th date...  I've also slept with quite a few women on the first date.

I do have a 6-8 week limit/wall (8-10 dates), where if the woman I am dating keeps saying "no", I'll dump her and move on.  I've only had to invoke my rule once, which was fine, as I had already met her replacement.

[Gaeta]

I would not accept exclusivity with a man I did not sleep with at least once. Sexual compatibility is important to me. This time around when I started dating I told myself no sleeping with anyone until several dates, then the man I am dating came around and the attraction was through the roof so we were intimate on our 3rd date. It's been going great since. We've had something like 8-9 dates now (I've stopped counting) and I did not address exclusivity. When we met he told me he's not multi-dating so I'm sailing on that for now. If he had not told me about not multidating I would have addressed exclusivity after a couple of times being intimate. Under 6-8 weeks dating for sure. 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

There's been a lot of talk lately and it got me thinking...

What is the best time to have sexual intercourse while you're dating someone fresh (assuming you don't want it to wind up in the casual file)?

A lot of people say that you should wait to be exclusive first but is that really necessary?

If so, why?

it depends on the dates and in between conversation.  
 

if you were dating maybe once every 7-10 days it will take longer than if you were dating 2-3 times a week.

 

 

[Shining One]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

What is the best time to have sexual intercourse while you're dating someone fresh (assuming you don't want it to wind up in the casual file)?

The earlier the better for me. Sexual interest and compatibility are important to me, so confirming that early incentivizes me to move things forward.

I've put women in the casual file after having sex on date five and other women in the relationship file after having sex on date one. When we have sex is usually not a determining factor of where I file her. Her relationship potential determines that. 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Shining One said:

The earlier the better for me. Sexual interest and compatibility are important to me, so confirming that early incentivizes me to move things forward.

I've put women in the casual file after having sex on date five and other women in the relationship file after having sex on date one. When we have sex is usually not a determining factor of where I file her. Her relationship potential determines that. 

Sexual compatibility is super important so totally makes sense.

I also realize it also depends on the two people and the in person chemistry whereas sometimes you just can't wait to remedy that pulsation. 

It's just that you hear a lot of talk about exclusivity first and I'm not sure that's always the case.

[Alvi]

So if a woman want's to get to know a guy better and feel an emotional connection before sex, she basically has very little chance? Right?

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Alvi said:

So if a woman want's to get to know a guy better and feel an emotional connection before sex, she basically has very little chance? Right?

Great point about emotional connection. 👏

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

Great point about emotional connection. 👏

I'm sorry I am missing what the point is.   Nor do understand Alvi's comment about if a woman wants to feel an emotional connection before sex, she has no or very little chance?  Not my experience.

I need clarification, thanks!

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry I am missing what the point is.   Nor do understand Alvi's comment about if a woman wants to feel an emotional connection before sex, she has no or very little chance?  Not my experience.

I need clarification, thanks!

That a lot of women prefer to have an emotional connection first (I think that's what she meant).

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

That a lot of women prefer to have an emotional connection first (I think that's what she meant).

I agree, and they can!   So do men.  Contrary to popular belief, sex is very much an emotional experience for men and they can and do feel a "connection" prior to.

Doesn't mean it has to turn into something long term, two people can experience an emotional connection during a one night stand even.

I had sex with an ex the first night we met, and we both felt that connection prior to and the sex was mind blowing!   It did end up being long term, but I don't think either one of us went into it with that expectation.

I mean we're not robots, there are emotions involved, again even if it's only one night.

Not that I am into one night stands, just making a point (or trying to).  And I have heard this from men themselves.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiritedaway2003]

12 minutes ago, Alvi said:

So if a woman want's to get to know a guy better and feel an emotional connection before sex, she basically has very little chance? Right?

That's my default. That just means it takes a much longer time than most to find that unicorn, but it doesn't mean that they're not out there.  The risk is higher to the guys, since they would be risking being friendzoned...

 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree, and they can!   So do men.  Contrary to popular belief, sex is very much an emotional experience for men and they can and do feel a "connection" prior to.

Doesn't mean it has to turn into something long term, two people can experience an emotional connection during a one night stand even.

 

 

 

Yeah. I know a couple that later went on to get married they've been happily married for many years 

[Interstellar]

520 weeks, 88 days, 7 hours, 42 minutes, and 17 1/2 seconds...

 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

520 weeks, 88 days, 7 hours, 42 minutes, and 17 1/2 seconds...

 

Dang,.. no wonder you’re always getting smashed and dashed ,,, i’ve been telling you, interstellar. Never ever sleep with a man before the 620th week this is common knowledge

Edited August 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Weezy1973]

I don’t know that there’s a correct answer for this. It depends. I’ve waited and had sex after quite awhile and we weren’t compatible sexually so ended it. I’ve also had great sex right away but we weren’t a match in other ways so it ended. Meh. Most of the time these things take a life of their own. If you’re feeling it, go for it. If not, don’t until you do. 

[Syd8]

4 hours ago, Alpaca said:

There's been a lot of talk lately and it got me thinking...

What is the best time to have sexual intercourse while you're dating someone fresh (assuming you don't want it to wind up in the casual file)?

A lot of people say that you should wait to be exclusive first but is that really necessary?

If so, why?

I've always heard after the 3rd date. 

[chillii]

2 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

That's my default. That just means it takes a much longer time than most to find that unicorn, but it doesn't mean that they're not out there.  The risk is higher to the guys, since they would be risking being friendzoned...

 

Not at all ,it's been very very very obvious from day one what it's all about with someone very special. taking your time doesn't mean you don't show anything at all.

Anyway , l really hate this subject over forums seen it that many times know how it ends so l'll opt out from here. lt's for the two people involved to do their thing , the rest of the world can do what they want.

Edited August 20, 2021 by chillii

[spiritedaway2003]

6 hours ago, chillii said:

Not at all ,it's been very very very obvious from day one what it's all about with someone very special. taking your time doesn't mean you don't show anything at all.

Anyway , l really hate this subject over forums seen it that many times know how it ends so l'll opt out from here. lt's for the two people involved to do their thing , the rest of the world can do what they want.

Fair enough.  But that’s not what I said.  It usually takes longer to find that emotional connection, so to answer the OP’s questions, it would take longer before sleeping with someone.

I didn’t say anything about not showing any sort of emotions.  When two people have a natural connection and just “clicked”, it shows up immediately. An emotional connection, by its very definition, takes time to build because you have to get to know someone over time.  For some it may take shorter period.  For others like myself, it might take longer (usually friends first, hence the guy would risk being friend zone).

There is no right or wrong answer.  It’s very situational-dependent.  It may not been your experience, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid situation for others.

[d0nnivain]

It all depends.   Part of the timing issue is an ownership issue.  As long as its your decision & you are confident in it, that is fine.  

3-4 dates seems to be the norm.  Personally I usually waited about 12 dates but there were times I didn't & it still turned out OK.  It's really whenever you feel comfortable.  .  

[princessaurora]

The timing varied for me when I was dating, but I was never ghosted afterwards so I guess I was good at feeling the situation out or good in bed. Ha! 

Most of the time it was around the 4th-6th date because that's usually when we'd find ourselves in the environment for it, or at least when I'd allow myself to be in that environment.  But I did set out with a plan for a ONS once just to experience it  and we ended up in a relationship. It blew my mind when he called the next day for another date because I had him pegged for the typical, womanizing frat boy.  But we hit it off and dated for about 6 months. 

On the other side of the spectrum,  I made my husband wait 3 months and he knew I had sex with the guy I was dating when I met him within the first week (because of mutual friends)  and wasn't afraid to call me out on it. I would just tell him I didn't want him to run off on me after we had sex  because he had just got out  of a LTR a few days before we met, and may be rebounding, which was the truth. I felt so connected to him and didn't want to risk losing him over early sex. He would counter with "I'm not going to run off" and then I would say " Oh, I know you won't run off until you at least get to sleep with me." It basically became a running joke between us.  But, gawd that was the hardest 3 months of my life, but my gut told me it's what I needed to do to lock him down. Don't feel too bad for him though. I kept him satisfied with other things, IYKWIM. 😏

This was the 90s though and in today's world if I were single and I liked the guy, it would probably happen by the 3rd to 4th date. 

[mark clemson]

IMO if you're dating and spending time together, sex then "advances" the relationship to the next stage - i.e. to a "sexual" relationship. So from that perspective, have sex when you're ready to "advance the relationship".

I think many people essentially do this naturally. However not everyone looks at things like this and so have 3 date rules and other methods for establishing what they feel is reasonable, etc.

Some people are just naturally much slower than others- that's fine, but I think it often backfires in the sense that the potential partner may not have the patience or interest in putting too much time in to find out later they aren't sexually compatible, etc. Or simply feel that a relationship should advance faster.

Going fast (ie first date) is fine for many, myself included, but also sometimes backfires e.g. when some men will feel the woman isn't safe or "of proper character" (or whatever's going on in their minds). I think some women too will respond negatively - I'm not sure what their thought processes may be, but some seem to feel they started the relationship off on the wrong foot.

Although it's been quite a while since I've dated, personally I'm a lot like @Happy Lemming above in my views WRT timing and think the relationship should advance relatively quickly. I expect an interested woman to be interested in "locking me down" relatively quickly by advancing the relationship.

Edited August 20, 2021 by mark clemson

[flitzanu]

18 hours ago, Alpaca said:

There's been a lot of talk lately and it got me thinking...

What is the best time to have sexual intercourse while you're dating someone fresh (assuming you don't want it to wind up in the casual file)?

A lot of people say that you should wait to be exclusive first but is that really necessary?

If so, why?

i mean, i'd wait at least like, an hour.

[Herkamer]

17 hours ago, Alpaca said:

There's been a lot of talk lately and it got me thinking...

What is the best time to have sexual intercourse while you're dating someone fresh (assuming you don't want it to wind up in the casual file)?

A lot of people say that you should wait to be exclusive first but is that really necessary?

If so, why?

Wait till marriage... Really, wait until the knot is tied then you can sleep with them. Kids, money, problems with family and (potentially) friends, acquaintances, mental and physical health ALL play a role in this. For a man, if they're looking for a relationship with a woman, they want to be sure that the woman is pure. A whole lot of them will not want to be in a relationship with a woman if the body count is in the double, if not TRIPLE, digits. Same goes with a woman finding a man. They want to make sure they're not messing around with other women. Why would you want part of your reputation being looked at as a $lut? And do you really want to be accused of being an STD carrier? On top of that, people will question your loyalty as a friend, a co-worker, and a family member. For anyone looking to marry, yeah, loyalty is a big deal. If your reputation is going around and sleeping with other people, why would anyone trust you as a partner in a romantic relationship?

 

I had one person tell me before living and sleeping with someone BEFORE marriage is the best way to get to know someone. It might be the QUICKEST way but not the BEST way. Honestly, it can be wrecked before it even gets started. Most marriages I have seen don't last as long as people may think. It may not be the next day or in a week. Heck, it may not be for a decade or two. My maternal grandparents divorced in their 50s, and they were married 19 and 21 years old. They got into a fight about money and that was all she wrote for them. Typically, the fights are money and other resources. In other words, stupid things. Not that money isn't important inside a marriage, but when being used for selfish reasons, it's dumb. The BEST way is typically the LONGEST way. If you don't live and sleep together, trust and loyalty are built. You also get a lot of the fights of the relationship's system. I'm not saying there will or shouldn't be fight in a marriage, but the more serious ones should be out of the way. Then when all that's ironed out and after you say 'I do', THEN you can seal the deal. It will be more rewarding when you wait.

[Prudence V]

22 hours ago, Alpaca said:

How long should you wait to sleep with someone?

At least until you get home (yours or theirs). Best not to get arrested for public indecency.