Jump to content

Boundaries in a new relationship as my girlfriend and her ex boyfriend are going on a cabin trip

Teddiechulo

By Teddiechulo
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted

She absolutely doesn't want him there.

This whole thread reminds me of a couple on 90 day fiance.  She tells her fiance to ask her father to pay for the wedding then tells her father and siblings she doesn't know why he did it, when they blew up at him she then comforts the fiance and says I'm not sure why her dad has a issue with it because he paid for her sister's weddings. 

I suspect your girlfriend is doing this.  Telling her friends she doesn't want you there, and telling you they don't want you there. I suspect if she was giving them a positive image of you they would be more accepting. 

You've been thru one crap relationship,  don't allow a few good qualities to cover the obvious huge red flags. 

  • Like 6
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
32 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Telling her friends she doesn't want you there, and telling you they don't want you there.

I agree.  She is more than likely lying to you that her friends said that you couldn't come.  She has plans to spend that time with her ex.

I also agree with this:

51 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You've been thru one crap relationship,  don't allow a few good qualities to cover the obvious huge red flags. 

 

  • Like 4
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Teddiechulo said:

@Alpaca I think I am being too and my family and friends agree which is why I don’t get it. I think I’m going to tell her that I can’t be with her until this is cleared up. If she says she will change she will need to show me and as of right now I don’t think she is mature enough and secure in her relationships to be with me. the whole ex thing just doesn’t sit well with me and I think she wanted to parade me around to make him or others jealous or maybe she’s naive. He ended up leaving the party and it’s unclear if that was because he was uncomfortable with me or something else but I had a hunch it was because of me. I feel like I’m not getting the full story here. 

I’d rather not close the door because she has a lot of really good qualities but I do think that this is something she needs to work on. I am going to see a therapist to get my “boundaries checked” to make sure I’m not missing something. 
 

Thank you everyone for all of the input!

Well, I think you are jumping through hoops to see this positively/rationalize this. A cabin in the woods sounds very romantic. Oh, and you can’t come. 

  • Like 6
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Well, I think you are jumping through hoops to see this positively/rationalize this. A cabin in the woods sounds very romantic. Oh, and you can’t come. 

Completely agree. 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted

i might be the only one seeing the other perspective, but, why the hell do you want to go?  why would you want to go hang out in the middle of nowhere at a cabin with 12 complete strangers who have been friends for however long?  do you not feel that's intrusive to try and force them to change their entire plans just because you started dating her long after this was planned out?

i think you're pushing for a bad time, and that they probably don't want you there because they absolutely don't know you, and don't want a total stranger with them in their gathering.  

 

i could be way off on this one...but my opinion is in this case, that the ex is probably secondary on the list, and the primary is because you're an outsider and it would throw the whole vibe of the trip.  i'm sure you have a group of friends, and i'm sure you know how awkward it could be to drag a stranger into the mix, especially for a FIVE DAY trip in the middle of nowhere, with everyone having their heads up everyone else's ...behinds.  close quarters with a dozen people and one stranger?  sounds awful.

 

  • Like 1
  • Confused 1
DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i might be the only one seeing the other perspective, but, why the hell do you want to go?  why would you want to go hang out in the middle of nowhere at a cabin with 12 complete strangers who have been friends for however long?  do you not feel that's intrusive to try and force them to change their entire plans just because you started dating her long after this was planned out?

i think you're pushing for a bad time, and that they probably don't want you there because they absolutely don't know you, and don't want a total stranger with them in their gathering.  

 

i could be way off on this one...but my opinion is in this case, that the ex is probably secondary on the list, and the primary is because you're an outsider and it would throw the whole vibe of the trip.  i'm sure you have a group of friends, and i'm sure you know how awkward it could be to drag a stranger into the mix, especially for a FIVE DAY trip in the middle of nowhere, with everyone having their heads up everyone else's ...behinds.  close quarters with a dozen people and one stranger?  sounds awful.

 

There is a difference between wanting to go, and wanting to be invited.  I believe the issue is he feels she is being deceptive even if he won't outright admit it.

  • Like 3
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Well I know if it were me and any of my friends they would be happy that I wasn't going solo when everyone else is partnered up.  If I had a new love interest they would want to meet him and welcome him into our group and make him feel at home.  I can't imagine real friends being that mean to someone.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
  • Author
Teddiechulo Member

Teddiechulo

Posted
  • Author
Posted

@flitzanu I actually had a weekend cabin trip three weeks ago that I invited her too. So I don’t think that should be an issue. And she doesn’t want to stay five nights so it would be for just a day. I have met all of them too and for my cabin trip she had only met my brothers and that is it. 

I just don’t see how the vibe would be thrown off. I’ve already partied with them. 

I do feel like she is hiding something tbh. It just doesn’t seem to add up. And @stillafool this is my attitude as well so I’m having a hard time understanding her perspective 
 

  • Like 1
Coasting1991 Member

Coasting1991

Posted
Posted

If you've hung out with them before but now you're not invited to the cabin, then either 1.) they didn't like you for whatever reason (likely because George is immature and in the "Team Tom anti OP camp" and has spread this to the rest of the friend group),  and/or 2.) your GF doesn't want you to go for some reason. 

OP, how is your GFs personality? It's possible that she's conflict avoidant and the reason she isn't inviting you is because of reason #1, where she doesn't want to rock the boat with her friend group. I think that's a little "less" of an issue than reason #2, but will of course bring other issues to the relationship when it comes to the friend group. 

  • Thanks 1
flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted

^^^ what @Coasting1991 said.

that's a better addendum to what i was getting at.  

i mean, no offense, we don't know you, maybe her friends just simply don't like you.  not everyone in the world likes everyone.  not every friend group gets along.

maybe her friends are dbags and they suck, or, maybe you're the dbag and you suck.  you know what i mean?  again...i don't mean to say you are a dbag, just that maybe THEY think so.

or it could absolutely be that your gf is being shady.  i'm just saying there are other options on the table instead of her immediately being shady.  if she wanted to cheat, she doesn't have to go off to some cabin to do so.

  • Like 1
DingDang Member

DingDang

Posted
Posted

Purely speculation, but I think she wants to test the waters with Tom.

Is he partnered up? 

DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted
20 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

^^^ what @Coasting1991 said.

that's a better addendum to what i was getting at.  

i mean, no offense, we don't know you, maybe her friends just simply don't like you.  not everyone in the world likes everyone.  not every friend group gets along.

maybe her friends are dbags and they suck, or, maybe you're the dbag and you suck.  you know what i mean?  again...i don't mean to say you are a dbag, just that maybe THEY think so.

or it could absolutely be that your gf is being shady.  i'm just saying there are other options on the table instead of her immediately being shady.  if she wanted to cheat, she doesn't have to go off to some cabin to do so.

One thing most people who have been impacted by infidelities understand is there is very little room for rational logical thinking.  It would be simple to tell a OM that you're bringing your husband to the Christmas party and to behave accordingly,  instead the MW picks a fight spiking her husband's suspension just to keep him away from a party that they still can't openly display the romance. No room for logic

  • Like 2
IrinaM Established Member

IrinaM

Posted
Posted

She likes having these orbiters, these guys who act rude and obnoxious to her new boyfriend. it's not an accident and she's not shocked by it either. She's not upset by it, no matter what she tells you.

A bigger issue than the trip and the ex she's still friends with, is that she doesn't respect you. don't stay in this relationship.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't think her friends are the problem, nor do I believe they don't want you there. 

Your girlfriend doesn't want you there. I would bet my bottom dollar she is blaming them when really, it's her. Why? Because she wants to get cozy with her ex again. She probably misses him and this is her chance to see if something is still there. 

Sorry OP, but this girl is being shady with you. 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 2
Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

Posted
Posted

OP, if I were you, I would ask myself this question: If I'd recently started dating someone new, would I consider going on a camping trip to which she was not invited with my ex and other friends, even for just one day?

I'm guessing your answer would be no. And I'm guessing you would not go on such a trip because it might create doubt and mistrust in a new relationship that you thought had the potential to become something special. When you're a certain type of person, you carry yourself a particular way. If clear boundaries and transparency matter to you, then they influence the choices you make even before you start dating someone. You tie any loose ends, you deal with any ambiguous situations and relationships, you wipe the slate completely clean so that, by the time you meet someone new, there's nothing concerning for them to wonder about. If you're that kind of person, you're going to have a hard time with your girlfriend because she sure isn't that type of person. It doesn't matter what her actual intentions are. She can have the best intentions in the world and still end up in a sticky situation because she has no control over the other people in the group. Or maybe there'll be alcohol involved and she'll end up doing something she'll regret. Or maybe nothing will happen but because you won't be there, you won't believe that nothing happened.

The truth is, you're incompatible. If she can't see that there are uncomfortable and perfectly avoidable grey areas in this situation, then she won't see it in other situations in the future. Then this "small thing" will likely become the big thing that ultimately brings your relationship crashing down.

Think about this thing as a compatibility issue. That will allow you to figure out what you want without necessarily painting your gf as a villain.

  • Like 2
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Forget about burying the hatchet with George. He hates you for some reason. I doubt it is because of Tom, as Tom did the dumping.
He hates you for his own reasons, one may be that he thought he may have had a chance with your now gf and you are in the way. OR you are not his kind of a person so doesn't want you there. 
I get fitzanu's point about 12-15 friends and a stranger but there are couples here and one more surely would not make a huge difference.
I suspect the OP just does not fit in. The group knows it, his gf knows it.

Of course there may be more shady reasons for the gf going solo, Tom is the obvious one but keep an eye out for George. he would not be the first guy who holds a candle for or who has been messing about with his best friends gf. 

  • Like 1
princessaurora Established Member

princessaurora

Posted
Posted

I don't know that they'll get back together, but there's a very good chance she's going to have sex with the ex since they're going to have ample opportunity. 

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

My perspective, change and adjustment can be difficult. She has a strong connection with this friends group which so happens to have one ex and one possible admirer. It's a bit of an obstacle course for her. If the OP doesn't "fit in" or there's an issue, the logical thing would be her saying to the OP "Sorry but we are not compatible." But she hasn't. So not fitting in isn't the issue. I think she protecting the OP from this silly conflict with the d-bag. She's going to work on it, and may realize it may take more time, but not enough time before this camping trip. I have been in her shoes. I have gone through this with my husband. I chose to go solo to the charity pub night events and a few Bday parties just to avoid conflict. My husband preferred hanging out with his friends anyways, and I did too. So it worked out.

  • Like 2
Coasting1991 Member

Coasting1991

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

My perspective, change and adjustment can be difficult. She has a strong connection with this friends group which so happens to have one ex and one possible admirer. It's a bit of an obstacle course for her. If the OP doesn't "fit in" or there's an issue, the logical thing would be her saying to the OP "Sorry but we are not compatible." But she hasn't. So not fitting in isn't the issue. I think she protecting the OP from this silly conflict with the d-bag. She's going to work on it, and may realize it may take more time, but not enough time before this camping trip. I have been in her shoes. I have gone through this with my husband. I chose to go solo to the charity pub night events and a few Bday parties just to avoid conflict. My husband preferred hanging out with his friends anyways, and I did too. So it worked out.

I'm leaning towards this being the case as well. OPs GF has already limited the trip for her from 5 days to 1 and has stated that she will be moving away from group gatherings like this to avoid George, so she is showing some willingness and awareness to be flexible. Of course, she could just be yanking your chain but unfortunately there's no way of knowing from this situation alone. 

OP, if this isn't an immediate deal breaker for you I think you're just going to have to trust her and be cautious/observant in the future. I would definitely be keeping a mental file of how often her and Tom talk, hang out, etc. Not in an obsessive way, just take note. 

  • Like 1
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
On 8/20/2021 at 2:39 PM, Teddiechulo said:

I do feel like she is hiding something tbh. It just doesn’t seem to add up. 

Ok. Observe all this. Roasting marshmallows over the fire with an ex just seems weird to me, particularly when you are in a relationship..

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Observe all this. Roasting marshmallows over the fire with an ex just seems weird to me, particularly when you are in a relationship..

She's going there to meet up with a group, not a one on one camping trip with an ex.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...