Please help! I'm in need of advice on my relationship.

[Joe1983]

@glows if I’m honest I don’t like the idea of it but I’m a man and I respect it if she starts fooling around it’s not my problem or if this is her telling me softly it’s done then I guess I will know soon. It’s not a nice feeling either way and I don’t wish it on anyone…

that’s the thing it odd she accepted everything and now started jumping To all these elements which is crazy! She attempted to say those things I mentioned were problems she had with me but upon questioning her she had no real fight because some of the things she said wasn’t totally accurate so yes I turned it around to view her too! It’s hard because there’s a lot of good things in here I honestly thought Maybe she was overthinking as she tells me this all the time and I know that there so much goodness too but she is looking at literally 3-4 things which one is already ironed out and the others are all things out of my control and really need sitting down talking about. 
 

basically she says she wants to do better than her parents who sent her to private school so I think she wants to provide in the same way which she’s thinking she can’t either with me or not I don’t really know sounds too me panic thinking and over analysing things maybe so mad she may need the time but I feel that it’s taken you this long to work it out it’s not really right I didn’t lie about what I did or who I am or act fake but this is just the result I get sums up life for me right about now! 

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Joe1983 said:

that’s the thing it odd she accepted everything and now started jumping To all these elements which is crazy!

It's human nature to do this. You want an answer as to why she's not feeling it anymore and she's giving you those reasons she had raised in the past but the real reason is *the feeling is gone* on her part. The list of whys isn't important. 

[Joe1983]

@Gaeta

i totally get it and yes it’s human to also overthink things there has been on a few occasions around 4 months in where she was over thinking a lot of things to do with her own life snd got funny with me when I asked if she was alright as I felt it had something to do with me? Only to find she had anxiety especially when she over thinks situations which she told me she goes very quiet.

she didn’t say she’s not feeling it all she said is that she felt that it wouldn’t work out going forward snd she could easily stay together for another year but typically saying that she knows it won’t work… no one knows that relationships and people go through so much in life and come out in better situations. 

if that’s the case maybe I should just ask her outright how she really feels about me and see what kind of answer I get back. 
 

ultimately we have all been in situations where we over think snd then come back to our normal or better selfs I’m just being skeptical here this may not be the reason but I do know that these things have got the better of her in the past too. Niggly feelings the same I’ve been in situations or relationships where I thought of a gut feeling and later when I looked at the bigger picture found I couldn’t of been any more wrong to have thought that way so I’m hoping this could be something we be open about but if not hey I can say I did my best and still got shat on! 

[spiderowl]

20 hours ago, Joe1983 said:

@spiderowl 

Things she mentioned:

- getting my side pain (diverticulitis) sorted via doc which I left for a good reason but under treatment now

pork/ham eating - I said right from the get go it wasn’t something I did so didn’t want it to be a problem which I was told not to worry as she doesn’t have it much and said she didn’t care (in June she caused a bit of an upset about not having it which I said ok to but not with me or at home which she said she was very happy with) 

- the vaccine well this was something she was always going to take I said I wasn’t sure because I didn’t know much info about it and plus docs orders said for me not to take just yet which she fully understood.

- kids names I’m not even getting into it was fully her idea and names too I as any normal guy gave some ideas but This wasn’t something either of us was set on just yet. 
 

- private education never really got mentioned but I guess she had some worries that I have an average job (36k-40) where she earns around 55k plus she inherited money from her mum to buy a place. 

I also have my own place that I own and had no help from not one person I sweated my ass off for it which again she was always so keen for me to stay with her and move in which at the time I wasn’t even that keen on but thought it was a good idea - I was staying around 4 nights a week in the end 

It sounds as though you have done great, working hard and doing well financially.  Not everyone has rich parents who can support them through private school or leave them a good inheritance.  If your ex was not happy with that, then I am sure there are lots of other women who would be proud to be with you.

There were a few issues with health and the diet.  These are the kinds of things any couple can sometimes ignore at first but then they crop up again and gradually one becomes aware of incompatibility.  I know you liked her but when you start dating again, think about compatibility when you are meeting people.  These things seem unimportant when there is attraction but actually they are hugely important in the long term.

 

[Miss Spider]

She’s not into it anymore. You gotta stick that in your pipe and smoke it, because the longer you try to deny it , the more you’re just going to drag out the inevitable . Sry I know it sucks 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Joe1983]

@spiderowl

thank you! Of course not which makes it even worst that her parents broke up when she was just 13 which was apparently a nasty divorce. She also chose to live with her dad but even so he was away most of the time and she relied on a much older bf as a father figure when she was 18-19 

yes again money doesn’t get you everything or everywhere and I’m sure she knows this since her mum passed away some years ago, yes she got a great deal of inheritance which helped her to get to where she is now but I’ve also achieved this on my own without any support. She says I did amazing and that now this wasn’t a issue about earnings etc she also dated a very snobby rich guy a few years back but didn’t last 6 months because of his behaviour and thought he was better than the rest. So she has some experience here!

I would even make a grand issue of it I’ve actually been sorted and under the treatment which I did delay to see if I could manage my own illness but it wasn’t to be, the vaccine and the pork eating topics are most likely that top agendas here which again there are solutions around - besides I didn’t say I wasn’t to take the vaccine I’m not atm because of a doc order otherwise I would strongly consider it, pork matters I’ve already mentioned to her that she can do whatever she wants with it but just not when I’m about. 

I’ve also added this so you can see another point as it would be nice to see what you think of this too.

4 hours ago, Joe1983 said:

i totally get it and yes it’s human to also overthink things there has been on a few occasions around 4 months in where she was over thinking a lot of things to do with her own life snd got funny with me when I asked if she was alright as I felt it had something to do with me? Only to find she had anxiety especially when she over thinks situations which she told me she goes very quiet.

she didn’t say she’s not feeling it all she said is that she felt that it wouldn’t work out going forward snd she could easily stay together for another year but typically saying that she knows it won’t work… no one knows that relationships and people go through so much in life and come out in better situations. 

if that’s the case maybe I should just ask her outright how she really feels about me and see what kind of answer I get back. 
 

ultimately we have all been in situations where we over think snd then come back to our normal or better selfs I’m just being skeptical here this may not be the reason but I do know that these things have got the better of her in the past too. Niggly feelings the same I’ve been in situations or relationships where I thought of a gut feeling and later when I looked at the bigger picture found I couldn’t of been any more wrong to have thought that way so I’m hoping this could be something we be open about but if not hey I can say I did my best and still got shat on! 

 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Joe1983 said:

pork matters I’ve already mentioned to her that she can do whatever she wants with it but just not when I’m about. 
 

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. I know you don't eat pork and pork products but do you mean you expected her to not eat it as well while in your presence?

Edited August 25, 2021 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

On 8/22/2021 at 8:40 AM, Gaeta said:

 If she wants someone with a private school education and big wallet then let her find that.

This is what she wants and her and her parents don't think you can give this to her.  Let her go.  Let the private school and big wallet keep her warm at night.  Do you really want someone like this?

[Joe1983]

@Gaeta hi when we first me or started talking i mentioned it in a convo I don’t eat pork etc, and said that I didn’t want it to be a problem. She responded to me by saying she sometimes eats it but not slot and it wouldn’t ever be a problem and if so she wouldn’t have it when I was around.

later in the relationship (she caused an upset about not having pork etc where we came to a compromise that if she really wanted to have it and not feeL bad then have it on on occasions I wasn’t around I was quite understanding about this - infact she only actually wanted one particular dish which was carbonara which I just agreed that it was fine but not around me which she was very happy that I came to an agreement with her.

now she’s picked up on that she can’t see why she can’t have all pork products etc snd again has used this as one of her topics my answer was understanding - I just said have whatever you want and I don’t want you to be feeling bad about having it just not around me so my point here is why should this even be thrown into we just don’t work and break up when I’ve been pretty understanding and I’ve compromised on two occasions without having anything back from her. 
i hope this helps underline what I was trying to get at 

[Joe1983]

@stillafool

thanks for your comment - it’s a hard one to accept and I say this because she dated a guy before me who was earning more than her had the private education etc etc and guess what she told me she got fed up of his impressing ways and his behaviour was rude because he thought he was above the world! Other guys she dated which I knew about was one wanna be rude boy or no job type or drug dealer which couldn’t be any more the opposite. I just can’t see wtf  has gone wrong! I’m above the average and I got assets and a very respectable job. She has also told me my job isn’t the problem and is proud of what I do! Something just doesn’t add the hell up!

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Joe1983 said:

Something just doesn’t add the hell up!

Do not chase her to keep her.  Accept what she has told you and walk away.  I'm sorry you're hurt but you don't need to be with someone who isn't sure you're the one.  There are women who will value what you do and who you are.  Thank goodness you've found this out at the 8 month period rather than a couple of years from now when it would be harder to move on. Let her go.

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, Joe1983 said:

@Gaeta hi when we first me or started talking i mentioned it in a convo I don’t eat pork etc, and said that I didn’t want it to be a problem. She responded to me by saying she sometimes eats it but not slot and it wouldn’t ever be a problem and if so she wouldn’t have it when I was around.

later in the relationship (she caused an upset about not having pork etc where we came to a compromise that if she really wanted to have it and not feeL bad then have it on on occasions I wasn’t around I was quite understanding about this - infact she only actually wanted one particular dish which was carbonara which I just agreed that it was fine but not around me which she was very happy that I came to an agreement with her.

now she’s picked up on that she can’t see why she can’t have all pork products etc snd again has used this as one of her topics my answer was understanding - I just said have whatever you want and I don’t want you to be feeling bad about having it just not around me so my point here is why should this even be thrown into we just don’t work and break up when I’ve been pretty understanding and I’ve compromised on two occasions without having anything back from her. 
i hope this helps underline what I was trying to get at 

Thank you for the clarification. This is different than what I had understood at first. See, I find your requirement pretty controlling. You can only control what you put in your body, she gets to control what gets in hers.  I'm dating someone who doesn't eat pork & pork products. If he eats at my place I won't cook it but if him and I are at a restaurant I will have those pork ribs. I think at first she said yes to not eat pork around you because she was excited about the new relationship but quickly realized what you demanded wasn't realistic. Not eating pork is YOUR personal life choice. You don't get to impose it on others. 

[Acacia98]

On 8/19/2021 at 3:36 PM, Joe1983 said:

we have spoken about many elements of moving forward together like moving in together and also having a family this even goes as far as discussing children names which she came up with the idea of some names from her heritage (half Greek)

(...)

on many occasions she’s told me that she loves me and that I’m the best guy she’s been with by a clear mile! And also never planned to have kids with any of her past relationships apart from me and never even discussed things with them like how she has with me. 

OP, I'm sorry you're hurting. 

I'll be honest with you. When I saw the words I've quoted above, I knew what was coming next. There's something about people who make such superlative declarations relatively early in a relationship. They almost always end up backing out just as quickly as they "fell in love." And they tend to have feeble reasons for ending things that entail blaming the other person. Now that's the bit that pisses me off. Because it tends to confuse the other person and to prolong their heartache.

You probably won't believe me, but I don't think anything you did caused the current situation. She would have exited from the relationship eventually even if your values and backgrounds aligned perfectly. She probably has a track record of doing the same thing or something similar in other relationships.

This is something I've experienced personally and seen happen to friends. It's also a frequent theme on breakup threads here on Loveshack. Once you learn to recognize the pattern, you'll be able to see it coming from a mile off.

The best thing you can do is accept that you're broken up and block her everywhere then begin the process of grieving the end of your relationship. If you try to engage her, she'll just take you round and round in circles with excuses that alternate between not making sense and giving you false hope.

[Acacia98]

I forgot to add:

If you can't stand people eating pork in your presence, restrict yourself to dating people who don't eat pork. She should never have offered to restrict her consumption of pork. And you should never have agreed to that or made any kind of request along those lines. I agree with Gaeta.

[Joe1983]

@stillafool hey I’m trying my best to just keep away it’s hard  I’m doing ok so far… I know we asked for space till the weekend or so we did agree 2 weeks but then she backtracked on maybe just a week and see how we feel then. I’m not holding my breath for what is to come next would be hard I guess. 
that’s the very thing it’s confused the hell out of me hearing that I’m the best guy she’s EVER had and doesn’t want to loose me and loves me more than any other guy she’s been with in the past and never talks about having kids etc with them so my head is just doing OT I guess I’m just finding all This just a little harder than I thought.

[Joe1983]

@Gaeta I get what your saying and again even with you, you respect your partner enough not to eat or cook in at home being out was something she said that she for one doesn’t have it that so often and two said there’s plenty of times she can have it if she’s out with friends etc instead of around me (again this was something she came out with not me) even her dad asked us over for tea and again he cooked something else which was non pork - it’s just a piece of meat! I’ve not asked for it to be forbidden here just to have some boundaries as in I don’t eat it so but still have it if and when you do I can’t see why this has become such a complexity are we value a piece of meat that you like to have every so often than myself or this relationship if that’s the case then this is a big wow I can’t even start to tell you how I feel! Especially after all the nice loving things I’ve been told in this relationship. 

[Joe1983]

@Gaeta again if it wasn’t realistic or she had an issue it could help it I really would of expected that we could sit and talk like mature adults and come to a better outcome than to say oh it’s not going to work out in the long run we aren’t in our east 20s I’m literally 38 in a matter of a month and she is soon to be 34 it’s silly that she can’t just say hey can we just rethink some of the things we said we are human we can deal with it one step at a time but all these drastic decisions are just reckless no thought behind it at all. I wouldn’t call it imposing I asked if it was ok from the get go she came with ideas and it’s ok to change them later down the line but you would of like to have thought matters like this we could discuss instead just cutting the cords snd making a runner tells me this wasn’t the bigger picture or problem for some odd reason 

[Joe1983]

@Acacia98

thanks for your message, I can certainly see where your coming from with all this too it’s not the first time someone here has mentioned this. 
It does sound like there was a lot of progress talking within a a few months if the relationship and yes it did feel good and I felt great because all the lovely things she said to me and said he meant them it’s hard to even think that these things even meant anything for her to just up and walk without even speaking to me about what she was feeling and work things out - again I do feel like I’m being blamed for thinks which isn’t fair and confusing. 
I could easily agree to this part because I do feel like there’s something more to this than meets the eye all the things she mentioned well only 3 topics all have ways to solve them but it takes to sit and talk about them. Even the most rarest diamond still has its flaws nothing is perfect snd she knows that not even the perfect guy will align in every single category. You could be totally correct she might just get bored and does a runner I’m not sure but she has had a fair few guys where she decides it’s time to part ways! 
the solution you mentioned would of been a lot easier but the last time we spoken she seems caring and missed me I know we haven’t spoke at all in 3 days now and it’s sad I’m it sure how she’s coping but i have her house keys and quite a lot of my stuff at hers as she was so keen for us to move in recently. Oh another was that we just about 10 days ago booked to go away in October which again I questioned why bloody bother if you thought all this I’m the first place! Honestly none of this makes sense!

[Joe1983]

@Acacia98 also please refer to this part as your second message response  -

19 minutes ago, Joe1983 said:

again if it wasn’t realistic or she had an issue it could help it I really would of expected that we could sit and talk like mature adults and come to a better outcome than to say oh it’s not going to work out in the long run we aren’t in our east 20s I’m literally 38 in a matter of a month and she is soon to be 34 it’s silly that she can’t just say hey can we just rethink some of the things we said we are human we can deal with it one step at a time but all these drastic decisions are just reckless no thought behind it at all. I wouldn’t call it imposing I asked if it was ok from the get go she came with ideas and it’s ok to change them later down the line but you would of like to have thought matters like this we could discuss instead just cutting the cords snd making a runner tells me this wasn’t the bigger picture or problem for some odd reason 

 

[Joe1983]

26 minutes ago, Joe1983 said:

 I get what your saying and again even with you, you respect your partner enough not to eat or cook in at home being out was something she said that she for one doesn’t have it that so often and two said there’s plenty of times she can have it if she’s out with friends etc instead of around me (again this was something she came out with not me) even her dad asked us over for tea and again he cooked something else which was non pork - it’s just a piece of meat! I’ve not asked for it to be forbidden here just to have some boundaries as in I don’t eat it so but still have it if and when you do I can’t see why this has become such a complexity are we value a piece of meat that you like to have every so often than myself or this relationship if that’s the case then this is a big wow I can’t even start to tell you how I feel! Especially after all the nice loving things I’ve been told in this relationship. 

@Acacia98

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Joe1983 said:

 I’m literally 38 in a matter of a month and she is soon to be 34 

And it's even more silly that at 34 she would seek a wallet and private school education. But none of this is important anymore. If she felt strong enough about your relationship she would want to talk, come to an understanding, make compromises, but she won't....so what does that say? You can't make her change her mind or revive her feelings. 

[Joe1983]

@Gaeta thanks again for your comments.

yes it’s really not mature especially at this age! Maybe it’s the earnings/private education that is making her panic and think about how we would bring up a family in the same way she was brought up or maybe it’s my health issues/vaccine issues that she feels I don’t take seriously enough when actually I do value my own health or the whole pork/bacon eating which again they’re many solutions to this as I’m sure there are couples in the same position as me who find ways around this - on my accounts I really don’t see why this all couldn’t be discussed none of these were fixated and again like you mentioned earlier we including myself are entitled to change our minds from time to time! I’m sure many married couples do the same thing too. Maybe being apart she may just come to her senses and perhaps realise that not everything she said is a downfall and come to notice there are simple steps to solving the above, and also most importantly not panic and realise that these matters aren’t worth breaking up over again these will only happen if she values this relationship and loves me like she said she did. I know she’s probably sad because she told me but again maybe having the space she might value me more as a person and most importantly maybe my approach could have been a little better but who knows! I’ve always been a big believer of everything is up for discussion and have an understanding together going forward. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. 

[Crazelnut]

I'll bet the vaccine thing is a bigger issue than you realize. She is pro-vaccine and you're not. I mean, come on. It's been out for a while now. You've had 9 months to research it. Honestly, I'd probably have broken up with you over that issue alone. 

You can nitpick at every little issue she cited, but ultimately you're not compatible because she says so. It only takes 1 person in a R to make that determination. You can't talk her into changing how she FEELS. Also, you guys just jumped into things too quickly. Discussing baby names in the first few months?! Dude, no. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by Crazelnut

[Herkamer]

It would be easy to say "get out of the relationship", but at the same time, if you're looking to wait and see what happens, give it about a week or so. If she doesn't talk to you, then call it off and move on. Now, if she starts talking to you again and wants to start over, here's what you do:

-DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT move in with her until you're married! Even if you end up getting engaged, DO NOT move in together. If a break up were to occur, you're not losing out on money and a place of your own to stay. On top of that, anything YOU purchased for the home could end up in her possession instead if you lived together. In addition, if you want her to desire you, she needs to miss you. So it's a far superior course of action to stay in your own place until you guys say your 'I dos' on your wedding (assuming if it happens).

-DO NOT share a bank account together. Same goes with putting her on your insurance plans. Again, this gives her access to your assets. It's your money that you earned through work, and she is not entitled to it. She wants money, she can go out and work for it. Don't even give her any sort of an allowance, either. I can see where you can start doing this when (or if) you get married, but tread carefully on that.

-DO NOT sleep with her until you're married (if you get married). Kids cost money. and if there's a break up, you'll either end up with the kids and needing to pay for them, or the woman taking them and you paying child support and, potentially, not seeing them. In other words, it'll hurt financially, mentally, and emotionally. So wait until the knot is tied.

The ball is in her court now, and it's up to her what she's going to do with it. You presented yourself, shown her the deal, and now she needs to make a choice. Be with you for you or not at all. Personally, I'd leave. Anything mentioned by her wanting any of the above, I'm gone. It's not greedy to say I don't want my money taken away that I worked for. I need to live my life, and I will not be with someone who wants me for resources only. I want to be with someone who likes me for me and that respects me. I would be giving 110% of my end of the bargain in the relationship, but if she's doing very little or not at all, I'm not doing it. With this woman, she sounds WAY too high maintenance for my liking, but you know her better than I do. Again, if you want to make it work, take what I said with seriously because, based on the past experience I had, she's getting ready to either ditch you or she has another man on her mind (or both). But best of luck to you, if you go the path of working it out.

[Joe1983]

@Crazelnut perhaps it is! Not sure that you read my trial but one of the most important reasons I’ve not had a vaccine yet is because I have a health condition which is currently being treated and was advised by consultants it’s wise not to have until my condition gets better. Again yes I have some doubts or questions around the vaccine but this doesn’t make me against it or not respect anyone who hasn’t I’m sure come a time I will be taking this vaccine. Again all this was explained to my partner and she fully understands that it wasn’t something I could have atm. People are compatible just because we don’t align in every single way that doesn’t make someone incompatible! I’m not here to convince her but some of these elements to my understanding should and could have been discussed especially given our ages… the baby names and family stuff etc all came from her this wasn’t something I bought up or slapped on the table it was nice to have a chat about it but ultimately nothing was set and stone so I couldn’t see why this had also become an issue even though it was not a topic that came from me.