Please help! I'm in need of advice on my relationship.

[Joe1983]

Hi All,
I really need some quick advice on this; I’ve been seeing my partner now for 8 months now things have been going good and we see each other quite often (sometimes during the week but mainly spend time with each other on weekends) we have spoken about many elements of moving forward together like moving in together and also having a family this even goes as far as discussing children names which she came up with the idea of some names from her heritage (half Greek), our backgrounds are of different were she was privately educated and myself being in some of the better state schools which I felt might be an issue to her or her family as she earns a great amount more than me. We have progressed the relationship by going on some domestic vacations and now booking to go away in October this year also being introduced to family and friends, on many occasions she’s told me that she loves me and that I’m the best guy she’s been with by a clear mile! And also never planned to have kids with any of her past relationships apart from me and never even discussed things with them like how she has with me. with all this said we do have some indifferences which we debated on a few occasions such as medical values to having a vaccine for the current Covid virus which I’m currently not comfortable to take due to my medical conditions where she is a strong believer as her father was a well respected scientist. Just a couple nights ago we were due to go away for 3 nights but the night before she asked if we can talk, on arrival she told me that she’s not sure that the relationship was working out and that she feels like we have different values which would effect us in the long run and has a gut feeling of this. when I asked what these was I was told again that she was worried that I didn’t take my medical condition seriously and that also she is scared to have kids etc she then also mentioned this whole naming kids again and that she didn’t want to name them anything like we agreed on (wants to give kids English names where we agreed on Greek) which confused me a lot  as these were all her ideas. She also said that as I don’t eat pork, bacon etc she felt that it wasn’t something that she wasnt comfortable with and didn’t want to feel that she had to stop eating this which was something that again she said at the beginning of the relationship that she wasn’t fussed about eating or continuing with. I told her all these things mentioned were all things that she had told me she was ok with given the fact it was all really her ideas and thoughts I told her that I was not happy with all this and confronted her a little before I decided to leave her place even though she said to me that she still loves me and that she doesn’t know what to do and feels like she regrets saying these things to me and said maybe she just needs time because these were on her mind for a while even though we only recently booked our tickets to go on vacation last week for October. It’s now been two days and I’ve not heard a single thing which tbh I thought I would of atleast got a text the night I left asking if I got home alright but so far nothing! She still has a profile pic of us on her WhatsApp but has been totally inactive on social media and I’m now getting worried for her well-being even with everything she said! Please help me!!  

[ShyViolet]

If the reasons that she gave you don't make sense, then maybe those are not the real reasons, maybe they are just excuses she is giving you, because she doesn't know how to tell you that she's just not that into you anymore.  But the bottom line is that she wouldn't be doing this unless there was a real reason.  She clearly isn't comfortable continuing this relationship, and you have no choice but to accept that.  Just respect her decision and give her space.  If she changes her mind then she'll come to you.

Edited August 19, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Alpacalia]

She is rethinking the relationship, her priorities, and who she is and what she wants.

Right now, just concentrate on yourself. If she wants to take a step back, you now know what to prioritize in life.

[chillii]

Yeah , thinking the same. l also think someones been talking to her hence the now looking for excuses.

[Joe1983]

@chillii @Alpaca @ShyViolet

thank you all for your lovely comments.

I had text her yesterday afternoon to see if she was ok which we then agreed to meet at her place.

After having a chat about this with her all I got was she had this frustration about me and some of my values, being that she felt I didn’t take my illnesses seriously which was wrong on many accounts of her to say this which again I explained myself so she can see that this wasn’t the case and was wrong to say this to me.

other things like financially bringing up a family and having the same life that she had growing up such as going to private school from age 5-18 which was a silly thing to say, again I felt like I gave multiple reasoning and had positive solutions to these situations that she was thinking of but on doing these all I got was she has this gut feeling still that it’s not going to work it just sounded like no matter what solutions I had she was always going to throw the gut feeling talk my way!

when I look into all of this I’ve not done anything to her and from what everyone has said to me such as best friends and some family members she’s been so happy with us! 
 

i asked what was this gut feeling all about and all I got was she has had these feeling Before in the pass and it never works out so this time she’s didn’t want to wait or try which again I can’t see where the issue is because there isn’t really one.

it all just sounds like a bit of an excuse or that she perhaps wants someone who’s earning mass amounts of money or has been more aligned such as private education etc. 
 

what is really messing with me is one minute she was like she’s going to think and take some time out and then says she’s not changing her mind which has also confused the hell out of me! She told me that she still loves and cares about me but I didn’t really feel like she did.

I also found in the end that she had already seen her dad and spoke to 2 of her friends which she told them that we had broke up even before last night which we didn’t even discuss.

[Joe1983]

@chillii @Alpaca @ShyViolet

after I found this out I was pretty upset that she didn’t even speak or break up with me before she went telling others, I then also found that she cancelled our hotel booking for October which she said she panicked that she wasn’t going to get her money back from. These were all very upsetting for me considering all I knew was she told me she didn’t know if it was going to work out and that she wanted to think about things not once did she say the first night that it was over etc…

we talked more and the more we did the more I noticed that there really wasn’t an issue between us or that we was unaligned all o kept getting was she has this gut feeling and she is scared that it would lead to breaking up in the future even though there’s not really any situation or problems between us but only because she has a gut feeling. 
 

she then tells me that she loves me being with her at home and loves and cares about me and doesn’t know what to do and needs time to think and then says but she does t think she will change her mind which makes absolutely no sense on saying this. I said to her given all the things we spoke about tonight and how much I explained that things isn’t the way she looks at them this sounds like you just jumped for no given reason and made a decision out of nothing, it just sounds like excuses. 
 

again she told me that she wants to think about everything and was tearful but after speaking a bit more she just went back to saying her gut feeling and that she most likely won’t change her mind which at this point I said that there was not point me being here trying to explain myself about something that really doesn’t exist. I told her you have my number and if you wanna call or message you can and that I’m only a call or message away which she started to cry and just said she’s sorry. 
 

today I’m just left so confused and heartbroken I feel like something has happen or someone such as her dad perhaps said something or that she feels like she’s under such pressure to find some sort of match that is a private educated guy with bags of money and even then would she even be happy and has the exact same views and values as her which let’s be honest doesn’t even happen even in the most perfect relationships! I also told her this too. 

[d0nnivain]

Alas I fear she's a commitment phobe.  She talks a good game but when things get serious she runs.  I also think she spent the beginning of the relationship telling you what she thought you wanted to hear:  she wouldn't eat pork products either for you; she didn't care how much you earned; that she never discussed kids with anyone else; that you'd  give your kids Greek names.   Most of that probably wasn't true but as you relied on it, she felt more & more trapped.  Granted it was a trap of her own making but still she felt it was tie to cut & run.  

 

[Joe1983]

@d0nnivain

thanks for your message.

maybe your correct about her being scared to commit, or it could be the fact that she came with ideas that now she no longer wants to fulfil. Last night I spoke about those things and  again agreed that maybe it was wrong to have discussed them and to perhaps be a bit more open with ourselves such as eating habits, kids names etc at the end of the day nothing would have been set and stone and things change people are also entitled to change their mind but to make such erratic decision without even having room for discussion tells me it’s not really this and more about a gut feeling she has had in the pass but this time isn’t willing to try and wait around and give our relationship a change she even says she might be making the biggest mistake but she will have to live with it! I just am so loss with it all. I can’t see why someone who suppose to love me would use previous gut feelings and use those in this relationship when there’s hardly even a issue between us apart from she believes we might have different values.

[chillii]

l really think it's the wealth thing and differences , and her parents won't like it either.

l've been around it , know how it works and she's basically even said it herself.

[Alpacalia]

Gut feeling is typically a self-protection mechanism, but in your situation, with all of the reasons she's listed, it's possible that she's coming up with all of these reasons because she simply isn't experiencing a deep connection. Or, to what @d0nnivain mentioned, she's hyper-focused on all these "reasons" because the relationship is becoming more serious so she's now wanting to backtrack.

[glows]

You’ve only been dating for 8 months. Why would she lie about her reasons? Take it at face value and I do not advise second guessing her reasons for not wanting to be with you. Listen very carefully to what she’s saying. You’re not compatible as a couple and she can’t accept you as a person. Those things she accepted in the beginning were during a honeymoon phase. I’m not surprised if her family or parents or friends pointed out your differences early on but she chose to overlook them. This has blindsided and hurt you. 

The more you keep telling yourself that she’s got ulterior motives or distrusting what she’s saying that’s further reason not to pursue this any further. You cannot even accept in honesty and good faith what she’s telling you right now. 

Take her words as is and rethink everything. You don’t have to be with someone who has issues about what you eat etc or who you are.

Edited August 20, 2021 by glows

[Joe1983]

@d0nnivain

im not sure but this could well be a commitment issue as the relationship progresses. 

All she kept saying is that she knows if she stays with me it will just get worst almost like she’s convinced herself. The other side she keeps talking about the gut feeling She had from her past relationships when she knows it’s not working out anymore but at the same time says she’s so confused because she loves me a lot and never Loved anyone like me and is confused but wants to stick to her decision because it’s clear. It’s just sounds totally messed up!

she keeps saying sorry and that she loves me etc but hasn’t change her mind even though she is confused 

[JRabbit]

Could it be she is loosing interest because you won't get the vaccine? Having a scientific family, I can imagine someone not opting to get the vaccine could cause some issues.

[Joe1983]

@JRabbit

its hard to say but I believe she just thinks we are just not aligned with our values which is crazy we get along so well and yes we have also some separate opinions but I think it’s just she has this feeling she says she has from previous relationships and using against me too! She says she’s confused and still loves me but is sticking to what she wants. The vaccine is a problem but I didn’t say I was not taking it I just wanted to wait and see as I have some current health issues that need sorting. 

[glows]

Sort your health issues then, find more ways to better yourself mentally/emotionally/physically. When someone tells you they are no longer wanting to be in the relationship because your values don't align it's likely true. She is telling you one thing but you don't /can't respect what she's saying. Why would you resort to that or try to with someone with whom you can't believe in the first place or respect? 

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry, Joe1983.  From what you have said, it sounds like there was a gradual accumulation of things she was a 'bit bothered' about but thought she could compromise on and then something tipped her beyond that stage to feeling it involved too many compromises.

The vaccine thing may have been a bigger issue to her than to you as she mentioned your health.   Do you know what she meant by you not taking your health seriously?  If her father was a scientist, she would have been brought up to look at scientific evidence and evaluate that.   I can see why she would be concerned about differences over vaccination.  You both have different ideas about how to protect your health.  That is quite serious actually because if you are someone's partner and they are refusing a vaccine which might well be safer for them than taking the risk of catching the virus, what would you do?  I can understand her concern, having lost two members of my immediate family to Covid. Taking it a step further - perhaps from her point of view - what would happen if you had children with her and then you did not want them to have the usual childhood vaccinations?  She might not want to risk that happening or want to get into a discussion about it. 

I am sorry it has gone this way, especially as you seemed to be getting on so well earlier.  Sometimes people just reach a deal breaker stage in a relationship where they know that they can't compromise any more.  You have both tried and it seems your differences were just too great.

It struck me that you said you and she had agreed on possible names for children and yet she later said she was not happy with the names.  I wonder if there is some misunderstanding going on here, whereby you think you are both 'agreeing' on something but instead you may be more assertive than her and she is giving in to pressure to please you.  It's something to consider anyway.

You will meet someone with similar values, I'm sure, so although this is a disappointment, it could be the start of a different road to a happier destination.

Edited August 21, 2021 by spiderowl

[Gaeta]

Joel: She told you her reasons, beleive her. To you they may not seem like serious enough to end a relationship but to her they are. Add to that probably some pressure from her family. If she wants someone with a private school education and big wallet then let her find that. She might regret? let her regret, it's the path she's picking.

She says she loves you to ease the blow but she is no longer 'in love' and that 'in love' feeling is important, that's what makes us walk through fire to be with our SO, she no longer has it. Let her go. 

[smackie9]

On 8/21/2021 at 2:11 PM, spiderowl said:

I'm sorry, Joe1983.  From what you have said, it sounds like there was a gradual accumulation of things she was a 'bit bothered' about but thought she could compromise on and then something tipped her beyond that stage to feeling it involved too many compromises.

 

You will meet someone with similar values, I'm sure, so although this is a disappointment, it could be the start of a different road to a happier destination.

This is what I was thinking too^^^...she's been assessing and re-assessing all the way through the 8 months, and now she has come to the conclusion this will not work for her. It is what it is.

[Joe1983]

Hi @spiderowl thank you so much for your kind response.

I’ve read through your message and yes part of this can be totally correct, issues with having the vaccine for me I was unsure to take this for several underlining health issues which she knew about. Again I did have some doubts of not having the vaccine but I didn’t set my mind on not taking it.

the other side of my health issue is that I had a earlier problem which I tried to manage myself without the support of treatment (diverticulitis) which again for many can be something you do on your own but she did say if it gets worst please just check it out with the doc which I left because I was managing well until I decided that it was time for me to get it looked at, she saw this as something I left and didn’t take seriously which I agreed in some ways but nothing intentionally even so I’ve had this treated and I’m still under some treatment so I felt like this wasn’t a key formula to this. The vaccine again yes we wasn’t totally seeing eye to eye and yes if we had kids I wouldn’t dictate this and go ahead and make sure kids are safe etc. 
 

when it comes to the compromises I result feel that she hasn’t budged on any and that I have been adaptable to some stuff the names of kids one for me was early doors but she has ideas of these names and I just said ok great cool I did throw in some names that was shortlisted but nothing really was set and stone so I can’t see why so much hassle into things like this or overthinking it all. Everything is up for discussion at the right time.

The problem is why not sit and speak and have a mature conversation about it if then it’s not working out then we can say hey we tried but the fact was none of this happened all because she had a niggling feeling in her gut like in previous relationships. I would like to think if you loved someone enough you would at least try - the update from the weekend is that she had told me she misses me a lot and that maybe a week break would do both of us good and then speak again, the following day she checked in on me to ask how my hospital appointments went but since Sunday evening I haven’t heard a thing back from her. 

[glows]

She did speak with you and have a mature conversation with you. It wasn't what you wanted to hear. You wrote this in your first post: "Just a couple nights ago we were due to go away for 3 nights but the night before she asked if we can talk, on arrival she told me that she’s not sure that the relationship was working out..." 

Eight months is a good time to determine whether someone is able to change or whether another person wants to wait for those changes or go through the task of explaining themselves to make improvements. She saw some personal things about you, your health or the way you think and thought it was better not to try to change anyone but accept that person as is. I agree with you that two people who sincerely see more in each other would make that effort. 

She's checking in on you  because she cares but it doesn't mean that she cares enough to be in a relationship with you or be partners.

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, Joe1983 said:

I would like to think if you loved someone enough you would at least try - the update from the weekend is that she had told me she misses me a lot and that maybe a week break would do both of us good and then speak again, the following day she checked in on me to ask how my hospital appointments went but since Sunday evening I haven’t heard a thing back from her. 

It's always difficult to come to realize our partner has checked out of the relationship. The answer is right there, you only have to accept it. Offering a week break is simply to let you down easy. To soften the blow. Of course she cares for you, we may stop being in love with someone but we don't stop caring over night but caring. She knows she's hurting you but her desire to move on is stronger than anything else. 

[Joe1983]

@glows yes your right but I guess the conversation we had wasn’t really thought through we both came from work and she just said she just felt that way with this niggle she had it wasn’t a convo lasted around 10 mins and I left. I think it was a heat of the moment.

I did explain that some of her thoughts didn’t add up such as the health issue etc as I’ve got the same thoughts as her to a degree I see the importance of it all I think it was more that I tried to manage something that I couldn’t in the end but that’s not to say I didn’t value my health or take it seriously. And for the other points these are or were things that we can all adapt to nothing was ever set and stone in fact half the ideas were actually hers and I just agreed to them. I think there’s a underlined issue here but perhaps like you said it she’s just not cut for it or thinks the changes are too much there’s bags of great stuff in this relationship more than others which I’ve shown her the other night. I’m not holding my breath with it anyway as it wouldn’t be fair on myself. 
 

not sure if that is the case because we aren’t checking in more of the quiet self moments but again this could just be trying to get on without me or to see if she misses me being around. Or like you said just softly trying to move away 

i also feel that there’s a lot of panicking going on to have a better life than her parents ans also how all both our friends have kids now 

[glows]

The one week break proposition would turn me right off. Her reasons may be valid or not and of course how you feel is valid also. You're hurt and blindsided. Someone accepted you for awhile and then now doesn't appear to accept you as you are. Speaking frankly, she seems to have issues with you but have you turned it around and viewed her? Is she worth sticking around for, even if just a week, if she's already willing to let you go once? It's good you're not holding your breath for it. 

If she's panicking and overly concerned about comparing herself to others or having a better life (what exactly does this mean?), then she probably has to sort out those issues and insecurities on her own time. Either way she has presented it like you are not compatible together. 

 

[spiderowl]

30 minutes ago, Joe1983 said:

@glows yes your right but I guess the conversation we had wasn’t really thought through we both came from work and she just said she just felt that way with this niggle she had it wasn’t a convo lasted around 10 mins and I left. I think it was a heat of the moment.

I did explain that some of her thoughts didn’t add up such as the health issue etc as I’ve got the same thoughts as her to a degree I see the importance of it all I think it was more that I tried to manage something that I couldn’t in the end but that’s not to say I didn’t value my health or take it seriously. And for the other points these are or were things that we can all adapt to nothing was ever set and stone in fact half the ideas were actually hers and I just agreed to them. I think there’s a underlined issue here but perhaps like you said it she’s just not cut for it or thinks the changes are too much there’s bags of great stuff in this relationship more than others which I’ve shown her the other night. I’m not holding my breath with it anyway as it wouldn’t be fair on myself. 
 

not sure if that is the case because we aren’t checking in more of the quiet self moments but again this could just be trying to get on without me or to see if she misses me being around. Or like you said just softly trying to move away 

i also feel that there’s a lot of panicking going on to have a better life than her parents ans also how all both our friends have kids now 

Were there things she kept mentioning while you were together?  Those are the things that wore her down in the end.

[Joe1983]

@spiderowl 

Things she mentioned:

- getting my side pain (diverticulitis) sorted via doc which I left for a good reason but under treatment now

pork/ham eating - I said right from the get go it wasn’t something I did so didn’t want it to be a problem which I was told not to worry as she doesn’t have it much and said she didn’t care (in June she caused a bit of an upset about not having it which I said ok to but not with me or at home which she said she was very happy with) 

- the vaccine well this was something she was always going to take I said I wasn’t sure because I didn’t know much info about it and plus docs orders said for me not to take just yet which she fully understood.

- kids names I’m not even getting into it was fully her idea and names too I as any normal guy gave some ideas but This wasn’t something either of us was set on just yet. 
 

- private education never really got mentioned but I guess she had some worries that I have an average job (36k-40) where she earns around 55k plus she inherited money from her mum to buy a place. 

I also have my own place that I own and had no help from not one person I sweated my ass off for it which again she was always so keen for me to stay with her and move in which at the time I wasn’t even that keen on but thought it was a good idea - I was staying around 4 nights a week in the end