Daisydooks Posted August 19, 2021 Posted August 19, 2021 3 hours ago, FML22 said: I come from an abusive chaotic childhood. Yes im an adult and im working on it. But sometimes I really don’t know I’m perceiving something correctly. So insight on this would be helpful for me: during the discussions of this weekend with my boyfriend he has gotten angry and lashed out at me. I’ve told him in the past that when he gets angry like that and lashes out then I’m going to remove myself (walk away, hang up the phone, etc). We are texting now and he saying to me that I abandoned him when he needed support and that I’m looking at his “venting “as a personal attack. He’s trying to make me feel guilty for removing myself and he’s asking me to not take it so personally and to “think outside of the box “ when he gets like that. Ummmmmmm what the actual f?! This seems insane to me, no?! He’s asking me to support HIM when’s he raging at me?! And guilting me for protecting myself?! What kind of manipulative BS is this?! am I perceiving this correctly?! Yep. You are perceiving his abuse correctly. 2
Daisydooks Posted August 19, 2021 Posted August 19, 2021 If this was a single event where he behaved this way, I may agree its a bit too close for his comfort. OP isnt even allowed to go for dinner and be home by 10. She isnt allowed to see her friends without a fight. This has very little to do with the husband/BF setting up the trailer and staying the night so he can work the following day. Even if it was a strictly girls weekend, and he wasnt going to be around to help them set up the trailer, OPs boyfriend wouldnt be any different. He would still flip out about her being on a girls only weekend. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 19, 2021 Posted August 19, 2021 You need to break up with this guy. You don't allow someone to dump their paranoid, irrational insecurities on you and scream at you and call you names. This guy should have become your EX the second he started this crap. Where is your self-respect? This is not OK and you're kidding yourself if you think it will get better. This guy needs to get dumped, maybe then he'll learn that this behavior is not acceptable. Don't ever walk on eggshells or cater to this behavior. 1
basil67 Posted August 19, 2021 Posted August 19, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, FML22 said: we don’t live together but honestly we do have a great relationship otherwise so I am giving it my all but I am very close to being at my end. With all due respect @FML22 your posting history says otherwise. His behaviour is controlling and abusive. Sure, he won't act in this way when everything is going well, but when things go bad, this side of him comes back out. The part where you've mentioned him feeling abandoned because you wouldn't put up with his abuse is well.....even more abusive. The way he's behaving at the moment should be a deal breaker for you. Edited August 19, 2021 by basil67 1
basil67 Posted August 19, 2021 Posted August 19, 2021 6 hours ago, FML22 said: And since I truly do love him .. I’m trying to actually help him and make him realize this. That is true support. not succumbing to the childish outbursts and spending time on BS that doesn’t matter or solve any of the real underlying issues now, Will we be able to accomplish this? I don’t know .. I doubt it but I surely am giving it my all Do you realise that by staying trying to work through his abuse, you're actually enabling him? If you really want to help, you'd be better off making a stand where you insist that the relationship can only continue if he seeks extensive therapy to unravel his past, learn anger management strategies and how to disagree respectfully. 2
Author FML22 Posted August 20, 2021 Author Posted August 20, 2021 18 hours ago, Daisydooks said: If this was a single event where he behaved this way, I may agree its a bit too close for his comfort. OP isnt even allowed to go for dinner and be home by 10. She isnt allowed to see her friends without a fight. This has very little to do with the husband/BF setting up the trailer and staying the night so he can work the following day. Even if it was a strictly girls weekend, and he wasnt going to be around to help them set up the trailer, OPs boyfriend wouldnt be any different. He would still flip out about her being on a girls only weekend. You’re absolutely right! He would freak out either way 1
Author FML22 Posted August 20, 2021 Author Posted August 20, 2021 15 hours ago, basil67 said: Do you realise that by staying trying to work through his abuse, you're actually enabling him? If you really want to help, you'd be better off making a stand where you insist that the relationship can only continue if he seeks extensive therapy to unravel his past, learn anger management strategies and how to disagree respectfully. You’re right and I have. He’s working with his doctors on getting his meds right (he’s diabetic and other things) and he is starting therapy as soon an his insurance goes through. 1
normal person Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 On 8/18/2021 at 10:11 PM, FML22 said: He says I’m not sticking up for him or standing up for him as my man and the fact that I am OK with going even though he’s not invited is wrong on my part. Gaslighting. One reason to break up with him. On 8/18/2021 at 10:11 PM, FML22 said: He’s not understanding the nuances of the situation. Is he willfully not listening to you describe them and/or deliberately misrepresenting them to win the argument, or is he not intelligent enough to understand them? Either way, this is another reason to break up. On 8/18/2021 at 10:11 PM, FML22 said: I tried telling him this without hurting his feelings but he’s just not getting it. A grown man who needs to be "stood up for" and gets hurt feelings over something so innocuous sounds more like a child. Another reason to break up. On 8/18/2021 at 10:11 PM, FML22 said: he’s angry, irrational, screaming at me, calling me names, and we’ve be arguing about it for days. You know this is totally nuts, right? As in, no man worth his salt would do this. On 8/19/2021 at 8:55 AM, FML22 said: I’d just be catering to his insecurities and jealousy. You're catering to his insecurities and jealousy by staying with him, let alone put up with any of this crap. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 5 hours ago, FML22 said: You’re right and I have. He’s working with his doctors on getting his meds right (he’s diabetic and other things) and he is starting therapy as soon an his insurance goes through. Starting therapy? I think it's too little too late. The way he's acted is beyond outrageous and I can't believe you would consider staying with someone like that. Therapy or not. You should have higher standards for yourself.
Daisydooks Posted August 20, 2021 Posted August 20, 2021 6 hours ago, FML22 said: You’re absolutely right! He would freak out either way I am sorry. I don't want to be right
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