Is it me?

[FML22]

Hi all, 

Once again, I am struggling with the situation with my boyfriend who tends to be insecure and irrational especially when it comes to situation‘s with my friends. It’s a long one eeek

Here’s the deal: my friend invited me and the girls up to her camper for “girls weekend” …  catch is, her boyfriend will be there PART of the time. They own the camper together and she does not know how to set it up properly so he has to be there at least for part of the time to set the camper up for us and also, he is working in the same town the next day and doesn’t want to drive back-and-forth (two hours) to go back home to just turn around and drive back for work the next day … nor  would any of us ask him to do that because that’s ridiculous. Me and my girlfriends have been doing a “girls weekend “for years and we all agree to try to make the best of it this year even though there will be one man there … part of the time anyway.  

Now, my boyfriend is loosing his ever loving mind over it. He says “ if there is a man there then it’s not girls weekend“ and therefore he should be there as well. Now I don’t disagree with this but there is not enough room for my friend to host all of the significant others and you can’t invite one without inviting all of the others. So my boyfriend says he’ll stay at a hotel down the street or that us girls should stay at a hotel down the street so that I’m not “sleeping in a camper with another man”. Ridiculous. 
 

Although I wish my friends boyfriend didn’t have to be there at all and it truly was a traditional “girls weekend “and I wish that since he is going to be there we could just invite the rest of the guys … but neither of those is the case so the girls have decided to just try to make the best of it. My boyfriend does not want me to go at all. He says I’m not sticking up for him or standing up for him as my man and the fact that I am OK with going even though he’s not invited is wrong on my part. He’s not understanding the nuances of the situation. NONE of my girlfriends boyfriends/husbands are invited because there is not enough room! The only reason why the boyfriend of my friend that is hosting is going to be there is cuz it’s HIS PLACE , he has to set it up for us, and he has to work in that same town the next day. He will not be hanging out with us and even at the times he’s around the camper .. he already has plans to do other things so that we can have our partial “girls weekend.” If my boyfriend stays at a hotel down the street and then plans to hang out with us (which is excessive IMO).. then we have no girls weekend at all! Because then he’s with us! I tried telling him this without hurting his feelings but he’s just not getting it. 

he has always had a problem with girls night and girls weekend since I’ve known him. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Mind you, i’m a bit older and we really only have girls night once every few months and it usually consists of dinner and us being home by 10 PM. It’s not like we’re hitting the clubs until 3am. 

he’s angry, irrational, screaming at me, calling me names, and we’ve be arguing about it for days. He says I’m selfish, inconsiderate, and only care about having my own way, I’m obsessed with my friends(not true), he always gets the s*** end of the stick (not true), etc. i’ve involved him in every single thing with my friends since the very beginning .. and happily. The only thing he’s not involved in is a girls thing because he happens to NOT BE A GIRL! Argh  I understand this is a trigger for him but he’s completely out of control. And it’s insane! And hurtful! I feel completely smothered and like he’s trying to control me. 
i Love him and he has a lot of really amazing qualities but I’m really at my wits end and here. HELP

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, FML22 said:

he’s angry, irrational, screaming at me, calling me names, and we’ve be arguing about it for days. He says I’m selfish, inconsiderate, and only care about having my own way, I’m obsessed with my friends(not true), he always gets the s*** end of the stick (not true), etc.

While I understand the disappointment all around from having her partner turn up, and I think that other solutions could have been worked through (like your friend learning how to do the set up herself), your boyfriend's behaviour is not only appalling, it's verbally abusive. 

I were you, this would be an absolute deal breaker.  Do the two of you live together?  I'm wondering how hard it would be to end this.

[basil67]

I just looked at your history - it would seem we've been advising you that he's controlling and you should leave since November of last year.   You know, the longer you stay, the worse this is going to get.  

[FML22]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I just looked at your history - it would seem we've been advising you that he's controlling and you should leave since November of last year.   You know, the longer you stay, the worse this is going to get.  

I guess I still question it or think it’s not that bad. I mean he might throw a hissy fit when I go for girls night but I don’t NOT go. I go and I don’t let him get to me. I understand that it is really unfair and unhealthy but I suppose I have been hoping it will get better. And it has. I know that probably sounds really dumb and naïve  

[poppyfields]

What types of derogatory names does he call you?  I can handle anger (when warranted), but the name calling?  I am out.  Immediate deal breaker.

One of my ex's called me "fukkin bytch" once after six years, and I walked out.  Not acceptable.

We teach people how to treat us.

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[FML22]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What types of derogatory names does he call you?  I can handle anger (when warranted), but the name calling?  I am out.  Immediate deal breaker.

One of my ex's called me "fukkin bytch" once after six years, and I walked out.  Not acceptable.

We teach people how to treat us.

 

Hes never name called me until yesterday.. we joke around calling each other “Gus” when we’re being stubborn. I called him Gus and he called me “fukkkface” … I left. I refer to my ex by that name to it stung a bit more. He immediately apologized. We were both angry but it still wasn’t ok.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, FML22 said:

He’s angry, irrational, screaming at me, calling me names, and we’ve be arguing about it for days.  .. 

He's abusive and you need to end it.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

If there's bad history which I didn't read, maybe you ought to consider this the straw that broke the camel's back & end this but you probably won't do that. 

It seems to me the compromise is that you get to go on the girls' trip but for that 1st night while the male owner of the camper is there ,you & your BF go up & you both stay in the nearby hotel together.  That way you are not sleeping in a camper with the owners' BF; your BF gets some peace of mind & the other women don't have to be inconvenienced by your BF's presence.  When the owner of the camper goes to work, your BF goes home & you move into the camper to stay with the girls . 

Sounds like a win-win to me. . .you get a little romantic overnight with your guy as a bonus to girls' trip. 

[FML22]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If there's bad history which I didn't read, maybe you ought to consider this the straw that broke the camel's back & end this but you probably won't do that. 

It seems to me the compromise is that you get to go on the girls' trip but for that 1st night while the male owner of the camper is there ,you & your BF go up & you both stay in the nearby hotel together.  That way you are not sleeping in a camper with the owners' BF; your BF gets some peace of mind & the other women don't have to be inconvenienced by your BF's presence.  When the owner of the camper goes to work, your BF goes home & you move into the camper to stay with the girls . 

Sounds like a win-win to me. . .you get a little romantic overnight with your guy as a bonus to girls' trip. 

I appreciate the reply.. but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I’d just be catering to his insecurities and jealousy. And it probably wouldn’t be enough for him anyway… every time I bend in an attempt to make him feel more secure/comfortable.. it fails and he finds something else to harp on. I’ve been standing my ground and not engaging in more conversation/arguments about it. Ive tried to jump through hoops for him for over a year but … im just not entertaining this nonsense anymore

[FML22]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

While I understand the disappointment all around from having her partner turn up, and I think that other solutions could have been worked through (like your friend learning how to do the set up herself), your boyfriend's behaviour is not only appalling, it's verbally abusive. 

I were you, this would be an absolute deal breaker.  Do the two of you live together?  I'm wondering how hard it would be to end this.

I talked to my friend about possibly setting up the camper herself and that wasn’t a possibility. Plus, her BF is working in the same town as the camp so… it would be ridiculous for her to ask him to leave to drive home back n forth the next day (it’s 2 hours each way). I also talked to her about the option of inviting the rest of the guys and that also wasn’t a possibility (not enough room in the camper). If that’s not enough,  her BF is working all day one of the days.. giving us girls the full day to enjoy man free lol. So I did advocate for my boyfriend. My boyfriend says “I didn’t do s***” and what I did wasn’t enough. I’m tired of him making me feel horrible for completely begnine normal things. he had a problem even with the first girls night right after I met him. And it was just a dinner. No guys involved.

I’m trustworthy, i’ve never cheated on anyone in my life and I’m not gonna start now. The bottom line is he needs to CHILL THE F OUT, control his emotions/triggers/baggage, and most of all to trust me … without that we have nothing. 

we don’t live together but honestly we do have a great relationship otherwise so I am giving it my all but I am very close to being at my end.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, FML22 said:

I appreciate the reply.. but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I’d just be catering to his insecurities and jealousy. 

… im just not entertaining this nonsense anymore

Does that mean you are breaking up with him?  

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, FML22 said:

I appreciate the reply.. but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I’d just be catering to his insecurities and jealousy. And it probably wouldn’t be enough for him anyway… every time I bend in an attempt to make him feel more secure/comfortable.. it fails and he finds something else to harp on. I’ve been standing my ground and not engaging in more conversation/arguments about it. Ive tried to jump through hoops for him for over a year but … im just not entertaining this nonsense anymore

Good for you for not catering. That is ridiculous and he would just find something else to harp on, as you say.   Ugh. I wouldnt stay in this relationship.  Not because I don't love my boyfriend but because this just isnt sustainable nd he has no intention or ability to change. He sounds exhausting and he isnt the man you want to keep long term. I promise.  

When I speak to my H about girls night or girls weekend, he is excited for me. I wish you had that luxury of just having your partner support the once in a blue moon fun night or weekend. When he has guys night, I legitimately try to find something else to do because I have no desire to be there and also just want him to have fun. It goes both ways

 Both my H and I value our friendships greatly and would never squash those friendships. 

I guess I just dont understand his concern.  If rolls were reversed, I wouldnt actually give a hoot about a wife/gf spending ONE evening because she had to work close by and wouldn't consider her presence a threat.  

[d0nnivain]

15 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

I guess I just dont understand his concern.  If rolls were reversed, I wouldnt actually give a hoot about a wife/gf spending ONE evening because she had to work close by and wouldn't consider her presence a threat.  

Campers are very small, tight quarters with one small bathroom.  I get the concern in this limited instance but not in general overall.  

I would not feel comfortable in a co-ed camper without my SO.  

[Daisydooks]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Campers are very small, tight quarters with one small bathroom.  I get the concern in this limited instance but not in general overall.  

I would not feel comfortable in a co-ed camper without my SO.  

But she is the SO of one of my husbands best friends? She would sleep there ONE night and be gone to work the entire day then not be there for the remainder of the trip. I guess Im just looking at my husbands friends and their wives, but I legit would have zero concern. Less than zero. Lol. 

How uncomfortable should a normal/secure person be? She isnt getting bang bussed by a trailer full of guys including my H. Lol

He got bent out of shape and continues to over small things/a few hours out like dinner. It wouldnt matter what OP does.  She will be wrong for doing it. She isnt allowed to do things with her friends. That's not normal or healthy

[FML22]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Campers are very small, tight quarters with one small bathroom.  I get the concern in this limited instance but not in general overall.  

I would not feel comfortable in a co-ed camper without my SO.  

Really? I don’t feel that way at all but I suppose it’s because I’ve been friends with these people for over 30 years and I’ve always had a lot of guy friends

[FML22]

9 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

But she is the SO of one of my husbands best friends? She would sleep there ONE night and be gone to work the entire day then not be there for the remainder of the trip. I guess Im just looking at my husbands friends and their wives, but I legit would have zero concern. Less than zero. Lol. 

How uncomfortable should a normal/secure person be? She isnt getting bang bussed by a trailer full of guys including my H. Lol

He got bent out of shape and continues to over small things/a few hours out like dinner. It wouldnt matter what OP does.  She will be wrong for doing it. She isnt allowed to do things with her friends. That's not normal or healthy

Right?! lol EXACTLY !!!

[FML22]

34 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Good for you for not catering. That is ridiculous and he would just find something else to harp on, as you say.   Ugh. I wouldnt stay in this relationship.  Not because I don't love my boyfriend but because this just isnt sustainable nd he has no intention or ability to change. He sounds exhausting and he isnt the man you want to keep long term. I promise.  

When I speak to my H about girls night or girls weekend, he is excited for me. I wish you had that luxury of just having your partner support the once in a blue moon fun night or weekend. When he has guys night, I legitimately try to find something else to do because I have no desire to be there and also just want him to have fun. It goes both ways

 Both my H and I value our friendships greatly and would never squash those friendships. 

I guess I just dont understand his concern.  If rolls were reversed, I wouldnt actually give a hoot about a wife/gf spending ONE evening because she had to work close by and wouldn't consider her presence a threat.  

Yes, exactly ! Sighhhhh

[JRabbit]

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I would not feel comfortable in a co-ed camper without my SO.  

Really?

It's camping. 

OP your bf is beyond controlling, instead of finding ways for your friends BF not to come, find ways to remove yourself from the relationship.

Why is being in a controlling abusive relationship better than being alone to you?

[FML22]

13 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Really?

It's camping. 

OP your bf is beyond controlling, instead of finding ways for your friends BF not to come, find ways to remove yourself from the relationship.

Why is being in a controlling abusive relationship better than being alone to you?

Good question. Typical pathetic response from a person who grew up in an abusive environment “I love him”. In the mind of my abused self .. I want all the great things about him and think we can “work out” the bad. In the mind of my healed self .., fukkk no! Run away lololll. I have a hard time looking at the abusive behavior as an indicator of WHO the person is. Probably because I had to love and accept my abusive parents? It’s a mind fukkk. I’m working on it. 
 

Would I rather be alone? Sometimes, yeah but then I think … the next guy I meet could be the same, worse, different issues but still ISSUES. No one is perfect.. it’s  all a matter of what we can handle right? Might be crazy to some but what other people deal with in relationships I might find crazy too. And things are really good otherwise (I know it’s a very big OTHERWISE). 
but.. I do know that I don’t want this for my relationships going forward and can’t handle it anymore. Am I going to end it over this? I don’t know yet ……… but I’m pretty damn close. 

[FML22]

I come from an abusive chaotic childhood. Yes im an adult and im working on it. But sometimes I really don’t know I’m perceiving something correctly. So insight on this would be helpful for me:

during the discussions of this weekend with my boyfriend he has gotten angry and lashed out at me. I’ve told him in the past that when he gets angry like that and lashes out then I’m going to remove myself (walk away, hang up the phone, etc). We are texting now and he saying to me that I abandoned him when he needed support and that I’m looking at his “venting “as a personal attack. He’s trying to make me feel guilty for removing myself and he’s asking me to not take it so personally and to “think outside of the box “  when he gets like that.
Ummmmmmm what the actual f?! This seems insane to me, no?! He’s asking me to support HIM when’s he raging at me?! And guilting me for protecting myself?! What kind of manipulative BS is this?! am I perceiving this correctly?! 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, FML22 said:

Really? I don’t feel that way at all but I suppose it’s because I’ve been friends with these people for over 30 years and I’ve always had a lot of guy friends

I have friends for even longer & I have lots of guy friends.  I'm still not camping in a co-ed situation without my husband. 

My college roommate wanted to rent an RV for an upcoming home game tailgate.  I thought it was going to be 2 couples so I said OK.  But then I found out that she intended to bring a female friend who graduated from the opposing team / college.   I immediately backed DH out of this & switched it to a girls' only trip. 

To close of quarters makes things uncomfortable.  People need more space than a camper provides to preserve modesty. 

While I am not advocating you let your SO control you in most aspects, I can see his perspective on this single issue.  The fact that you can't, or are unwilling to, indicates to me that you don't care enough about him to respect his boundaries.  You call him controlling etc. & say you are at the end of your rope, but have you give any thought to the idea that the fact that you two draw lines in vastly different places, making you fundamentally incompatible, is the root cause of your relationship troubles?  He may be trying to control you because from his perspective you are out of control  & unwilling to find a compromise on this or any other issue.  You want to go on this camping trip no matter what he says & that is fine but where in here do his feelings come into play?  You dismiss any thought of finding a middle ground out of hand.    

Lashing out at you is certainly bad & you do well to remove yourself from that.  But if you don't have the ability to communicate civilly what is the point of continuing?  

Edited August 19, 2021 by d0nnivain

[FML22]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I have friends for even longer & I have lots of guy friends.  I'm still not camping in a co-ed situation without my husband. 

My college roommate wanted to rent an RV for an upcoming home game tailgate.  I thought it was going to be 2 couples so I said OK.  But then I found out that she intended to bring a female friend who graduated from the opposing team / college.   I immediately backed DH out of this & switched it to a girls' only trip. 

To close of quarters makes things uncomfortable.  People need more space than a camper provides to preserve modesty. 

While I am not advocating you let your SO control you in most aspects, I can see his perspective on this single issue.  The fact that you can't, or are unwilling to, indicates to me that you don't care enough about him to respect his boundaries.  You call him controlling etc. & say you are at the end of your rope, but have you give any thought to the idea that the fact that you two draw lines in vastly different places, making you fundamentally incompatible, is the root cause of your relationship troubles?  He may be trying to control you because from his perspective you are out of control  & unwilling to find a compromise on this or any other issue.  You want to go on this camping trip no matter what he says & that is fine but where in here do his feelings come into play?  You dismiss any thought of finding a middle ground out of hand.    

Lashing out at you is certainly bad & you do well to remove yourself from that.  But if you don't have the ability to communicate civilly what is the point of continuing?  

I respect your opinion but I disagree completely. I’m not uncomfortable with a co-Ed situation and modesty or privacy doesn’t even cross my mind.
 

The reason I am pushing back on him and not trying to “negotiate a solution” is because this is coming from a place of insecurity and jealousy. Not any LEGITIMATE concerns. We’re talking about a guy who had a break down in my driveway the first time I went for a girls night. literally crying his eyes out cuz he couldn’t handle it. Then he lashed out at me and said I look so pretty and dressed up and that I never get dressed up for him (which is 190900000% NOT TRUE - I always dress up). He tried to make me feel bad and like an asssssshole. NOT COOL.
I am generally a very patient, understanding and easy-going person but I’m not entertaining someone’s childish outbursts and catering to an unhealthy mindset … that’s just not something I’m interested in doing. 

[d0nnivain]

If this is the 2nd or possibly 3rd time your BFs insecurities have surfaced, it's time to look deeper.  Too many unacceptable things in a relationship mean the connection is fundamentally flawed.  You two draw lines different places -- he wants your EX from 15 years ago removed from your social media & you found that controlling.  He's telling you ways that he wants you to show him love & attraction (by you dressing up for him) but you focus on the fact that you think he was lying when he said you never dress up for him.  It's not about whether you do or don't but if your response to his accusation wasn't to make him feel more loved & nurtured, to make the effort to ease his mind, WTH are you still dating him?  

Now you see things very differently about this girls' trip but instead of hearing him you are digging in your heals.  It's your life.  You get to make the choices that make you happy.  All I'm suggesting is that choosing to get a different BF who you respect more who has the same the same view as you on these things -- essentially is more compatible with you -- may give you the peace you are seeking.  

[FML22]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If this is the 2nd or possibly 3rd time your BFs insecurities have surfaced, it's time to look deeper.  Too many unacceptable things in a relationship mean the connection is fundamentally flawed.  You two draw lines different places -- he wants your EX from 15 years ago removed from your social media & you found that controlling.  He's telling you ways that he wants you to show him love & attraction (by you dressing up for him) but you focus on the fact that you think he was lying when he said you never dress up for him.  It's not about whether you do or don't but if your response to his accusation wasn't to make him feel more loved & nurtured, to make the effort to ease his mind, WTH are you still dating him?  

Now you see things very differently about this girls' trip but instead of hearing him you are digging in your heals.  It's your life.  You get to make the choices that make you happy.  All I'm suggesting is that choosing to get a different BF who you respect more who has the same the same view as you on these things -- essentially is more compatible with you -- may give you the peace you are seeking.  

You’re right.. we are deeply incompatible in this area. He’s paranoid, insecure, untrusting, negative and jealous and requires an insatiable amount of coddling (to no avail). And he perceives the world through that lens. That fundamentally doesn’t work for me hence why I’m being pushed to my limit and considering ending it. The sad thing is, it’s clear that he’s actually a great guy who’s just been through A LOT of trauma and exhibits symptoms of PTSD & CPTSD. IMO, if he doesn’t get this in check, he’ll NEVER have a healthy relationship with me or otherwise because he’s looking OUTSIDE himself to control his environment in an attempt to remove triggers. That’s an impossible feat. His need for reassurance is insatiable because it’s impossible to have anyone fill the void that he needs filled .. only he can do that for himself. And since I truly do love him .. I’m trying to actually help him and make him realize this. That is true support. not succumbing to the childish outbursts and spending time on BS that doesn’t matter or solve any of the real underlying issues
now, Will we be able to accomplish this? I don’t know .. I doubt it but I surely am giving it my all

[d0nnivain]

I wish you well but as his SO I doubt you can change things.  He just sees you as more proof the world is stacked against him.