Met Another Man Today.

[Trail Blazer]

@poppyfields

My mom has been in a relationship with her partner for 12 years.  His wife had passed away from cancer around 18 months prior to their meeting.  They had been married for over 30 years and had two sons together.

From all reports, he loved her immensely and was shattered when she passed away.  My mom never moved in with him as she's fiercely independent and loves her own house, but they've nonetheless managed to have a very happy a fulfilling relationship over this period.

My mom's partner still has photos of his deceased wife around the house.  He still lives in the family home in which they raised their sons.  Despite this, my mom is not jealous or threatened by this.  She fully understands his situation and respects the role she plays in the relationship.

I guess it comes down to what you are after.  I cannot remember if you've stated previously your age or if you want children.  Your needs may be different to my mom's needs.  My mom and her partner love each other, but it's a relationship where they spend as much time together as they do apart.

I know that from my perspective, I would be a little more concerned/put off by dating someone who still felt so much love and affinity for their deceased partner.  Feeling like I'm playing second fiddle doesn't interest me - and I'm not saying that would be rational to think, but I am saying that we can't ignore our feelings even if we understand the facts.

This relationship could very much work for you, or it could be a bust... it just depends on how it pans out for you.  If the guy is falling for you, his challenge will be to make you feel loved and valued as your own person, and not just be someone to assuage his grief and loneliness.

What it comes down to is identifying what you want and ensuring that you will be able to get out of the relationship what you want.  So, my view is that it very much can work and being a widower doesn't guarantee he's undatable.  However, how he has challenges ahead of him and needs to make sure he himself is in the right frame to date and give a woman what she needs.

All the best.  You have a bit to mull over.

[Bella34]

Hi I don’t normally post but I read here a lot and always think your advice is on point poppy.

Anyway I just wanted to chime in as my partner passed away suddenly at the end of last year and for me personally I am in no way ready to let anyone else into my heart right now. It wouldn’t be fair on the guy as I still love my lost love so much and I’m still grieving but in time that might change.  So for me the fact he’s opening his heart to you says a lot. Yes he will always love his wife  but sounds like he’s ready to have a relationship and  I know how difficult it must be for him to get to this point, it won’t have been a decision that he’s took lightly, to open his heart to someone else. 

Good luck whatever you decide to do poppy. 

[Happy Lemming]

I don't think you made the decision to "say good-bye" to lawyer guy, lightly.  This wasn't some "knee-jerk" reaction to an argument or disagreement.  You thought long and hard about the situation, and made your decision.

Personally, if I'm going to "dump/say good-bye" to someone, it is final.  I don't make a decision (like that) when I'm mad or upset.  I carefully weigh the pros and cons and if I come to the conclusion it won't work, I stick with that decision.  I've never gone back to a woman that I dumped.  I've had women come back to me, that dumped me, but if I made the decision to leave the relationship I will not go back.

It sounds like you may want to try to get back with "lawyer guy", but that isn't fair to him.  Let him move on with his life.  He may find a widow that understands his situation and is more able to cope with a deceased wife or memories of a deceased wife.

[introverted1]

Hey Poppy.  I'm chiming in since you tagged me, although I don't really have a ton of experience to share.

I think both @Cookiesandough and @Trail Blazer had good insights.

I briefly dated a widower.  He was a good guy and we seemed to click.  Then one day we were at lunch and somehow we started talking about holidays and I mentioned how much I love Christmas -- the music, the lights, the festivities, etc.  I am definitely not one of the people complaining that Christmas music starts too early!  Anyway, he said that his wife loved Christmas and that it was her favorite holiday and so he no longer celebrates.  All I could think was that if we progressed, I'd be celebrating Christmas alone.  And then I wondered what else might there be that would be off limits because his wife had an attachment to it?  We had only been dating a short while, so it wasn't a big deal to end things and, who knows, perhaps I was hasty and he would have been able to enjoy Christmas with me.  But I have pretty much avoided widowers since.  I think it is especially hard because I am divorced, not widowed, so it also felt that we were somehow unbalanced.

That said, I am sure that not every widowed man is the same and some are more open to moving forward than others.  I do think there is a difference in the type of nostalgia that exists for a relationship where one partner dies versus one in which the people split up. 

Are you having second thoughts?  Or did you not actually break up yesterday?

 

 

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How you feeling today Poppy? 

I'd be the type of woman to accept a widower will always love his deceased wife. I would not view it as competition but as a wound he'll carry all his life. It doesn't mean he can't love again or love even deeper. Joe Biden comes to mind. 

Thank you Gaeta. TBH, not great. 

I AM rethinking my decision, for pretty much what you have written above and that he does care, apparently a lot.

I dumped him, but he actually reached out to me late last night asking ME how I'm doing and wanted me to know he is glad we talked, but feels badly how it came down and that he cares about me very much.  And that he's here if I ever want to talk or need anything.

Wow.

I am in desperate need for a break from life!  Too much pile on in too short a time.

Thank you to everyone who has chimed in and helped me sort this out, again you guys the best.

[Ami1uwant]

22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

UPDATE:  Hey guys, I am not sure this is gonna make much sense, my emotions have been in a whirlwind today, but I will give it a shot.  Hopefully, you can help me sort out!

I have not called supermarket guy cause I have been doing a lot of thinking, especially after reading @babybrownsthread today about remaining friends with ex's and possibly still harboring feelings, and how that feels so threatening to some people.

As I posted yesterday, lawyer guy is in love with his late wife/her memory, and now I am thinking, why am I so threatened by that? 

He said he was falling in love with me too (he said this yesterday) which was what caused his unresolved/suppressed feelings for his late wife to surface in the first place!  Which I have read before in several reputable psychology publications and understand it.  And it "scared" him for lack of a better word.

Which begs the question, can he remain in love with his late wife, but love me too?  Does it have to be one or the other, me or her?

Why am I so bothered by it?  I sound like a hypocrite because on one hand I was telling @babybrownsthat we shouldn't expect our partner's thoughts/feelings to be 100% with us every second of the day, that sometimes we might feel attractions for others, maybe even our ex's from time to time, but as long as we don't act on it, it's perfectly normal, even healthy!

But yet, I dumped my "boyfriend" for just that!  For still having strong loving feelings for his late wife, which he might always have, so does that mean he is unable to fall in love with another woman (i.e. me) ever again?

How do others who have lost their spouse or significant other handle this?  Surely, if it was a good loving marriage or relationship, there are still going to be feelings there that will NEVER go away.  But yet, they are able to fall in love again, have relationships, get married.

I am feeling sad right now, I think I might have acted a bit too hastily, even selfishly.   We had a really good thing until I got scared too I guess, and chose to walk instead of working through my emotions and attempting to understand.

What are your thoughts, especially those who have been involved with widowers themselves, like I think @introverted_1was.

All opinions welcome, thanks guys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have always said……

 

there will always be a place in someone’s heart for a spouse who died.  It doesn’t mean they can’t love again, but you need to respect it…especially if they had kids and they are taking care of them.  This also is important to stuff they still have and things they woukd keep around vs just an ex ( evrn if they are co parenting)

 

it’s a fair question to ask if it’s too soon ir if they can date again.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Watch the first episode of Season 2 of Modern Love on Prime!
This great show is back. Inspired by the NTY column of reader stories. Season 1 is great also but the start of season 2 is on point for this topic. 

[Lisa]

Thread closed at OPs request