Met Another Man Today.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Poppy, I’m so jealous how you just randomly bump into these super hot SINGLE guys! That is so unfair! .

You know I was actually thinking about this and you know what?  I actually don't know if he's single.  I mean I am assuming he's single because he was flirting and asked for my number, but who the hell knows, right?

I am currently not single (I mean technically I am but seeing someone, he could be as well), and I was flirting back and took his number.

OR, he could be separated, newly divorced or widowed (like my current).   Or even married!!  

Truth is, I know nothing about him except he is a marine biologist and drinks scotch!!  lol 

And he's HOT, to me.  I liked his look, his style.

And actually, I don't randomly bump into that many hot guys, I wish I did!   Meeting my current and then this man within a couple of months, definitely a rare occurrence.

I do talk to people though, men and women, when I am out and about, like I said, I can be friendly when I want to be, not with intention of getting a date, I just enjoy meeting people.  I think when meeting people in real life, it's important to be open and approachable.

Anyway, meeting my current in a few for lunch, so will let y'all know what happens after that! 

Thank you Calm, wish me luck! 

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Poppy, you’re single. I’m talking to a lot of guys and I’m still single too.  You aren’t committed to each other so you’re free to take and give your number out to who you wish… honestly I would bet good money that the guy you met at the store us talking to/seeing someone(s) too if he’s single and attractive as you say and chats women up/cold approaches that way. As for a relationship though, I think it’s too soon to speculate on that and it’s even too soon to say if you like the guy. I mean maybe next time maybe something really dumb will come out of his mouth. You know that’s happened before in the past where this guy was on point but then he said something so ridiculous you were like, “I’m going to just pretend you didn’t say that. Okay nope. I can’t. ” Had that happen recently where the guy was very into astrology and personally I can’t do that. Anyway, enjoy yourself and don’t think about it too much… 

 

I hope you have planned what you are going to stay at lunch with the guy you’re seeing.  These types of conversations are often so awkward and things get read into so much and misinterpreted. I hate these, so much. So yeah, plan what you are going to say and stick to your guns!

Edited August 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[FMW]

How long ago did his wife die? 

I met a widower 2 years ago, 9 months after his wife died. We've been together since.  He's  slowly coming to terms with his marriage having been bad, but a traumatic loss like that is difficult whether the relationship was happy or not.  And guilt at moving on with their lives can make things hard, for both them and the new person they get involved with.  You do need to be able to accept that they will always love and remember their late spouse.  That doesn't mean they will actively be in love with them.  That's where it would be a problem.

We've taken it slow from the beginning, I've given him time to come to terms with things and his family and friends all tell me how happy I make him.  He makes it clear to me how important I am to him. I haven't felt like I was competing with a memory since the first 3 or 4 months, and I think that was mostly my own insecurity, not anything he said or did.  He's an amazing guy and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Depending on where your guy is at in being able to move forward, and depending on what your expectations and requirements are, it might be possible to keep seeing him, but just cool things off a bit.  Since you haven't  discussed exclusivity, that could include being open to dating others.

Only you know if that's a good option for you.

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I do talk to people though, men and women, when I am out and about, like I said, I can be friendly when I want to be, not with intention of getting a date, I just enjoy meeting people. 

This is exactly how I dated...  I talk to everyone when I'm out in about. 

To all of the guys out there that say they can't meet women in a public setting -- reread this post over and over again.  This is how it is done!!

Good on you @poppyfields!!

[divegrl]

I am actually kinda sad about the lawyer guy. I remember you being so into him. Sigh. I am invested in this now!

Good luck with the marine biologist… that used to be my dream job! Hope it goes well!

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

This is exactly how I dated...  I talk to everyone when I'm out in about. 

To all of the guys out there that say they can't meet women in a public setting -- reread this post over and over again.  This is how it is done!!

Good on you @poppyfields!!

No…

 

I need something to spark a conversation. I’m not walking up to a woman and hit on her.  I suck at small talk BS.  
 

just a conversation alone isn’t enough. I need something like what Poopy had to get up to a point of me asking her out.  Otherwise it’s a maybe I’ll see her again and talk again.

 

 

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, to update, lawyer guy and I broke up.  It was exactly what I had sensed and what a few posted here, he's still very much in love with his late wife, or her memory, or both.    It was a very loving and solid marriage so understandable, my dad experienced same.

We talked a long time and he explained his emotions and I actually understand, it all made sense to me. 

He didn't want to break up, but I had to.  Like another poster said (apologies, cannot remember who right now I will have to go back and read), I cannot compete with a ghost.

It was sad, but I didn't cry!  After I left I kept remembering when we first met, and how attracted we were.   God, why couldn't it just stay that way?!  It never does though, does it. 

As we spent more time together and grew closer, feelings/emotions began to emerge, which brought up all sorts of other emotions that he had been suppressing and not dealing with.  Now he is, which I guess is a good thing.

So that's that.  Life goes on.  I feel pretty crappy right now and in no mood to call supermarket guy.   Maybe after a good night's sleep (gonna drink some of that wine I bought!), I will feel better tomorrow, in better spirits and will call.

Thanks to everyone who chimed in!  You guys the best. 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

No…

 

I need something to spark a conversation. I’m not walking up to a woman and hit on her.  I suck at small talk BS.  
 

just a conversation alone isn’t enough. I need something like what Poopy had to get up to a point of me asking her out.  Otherwise it’s a maybe I’ll see her again and talk again.

That's not what happened.  It was a spontaneous conversation, we were standing on line!   We both had liquor so couldn't do the self check out.

I am not talking about cold approaching, I actually don't respond to that.  I am talking about striking up a spontaneous convo on the train, or sitting outside eating lunch, any large gathering where it's perfectly normal to talk to people.

When supermarket guy mentioned something to me about how long the lines have gotten, I responded in a friendly way, which in turn prompted him to respond in a friendly way, and before we knew it, we were fully engaged in a very spirited conversation!

Another person might have completely shut him down, I've seen it!  They can't be bothered.  I think if you're single and open to dating (or even if you're not), it's important to be friendly, open and approachable.  Like I said, I just really enjoy talking to people.

 It sure beats on line which I refuse to do ever again!

That's what Lemming is talking about I think NOT walking up to/cold approaching a complete stranger and attempting to engage in BS small talk.

That is very difficult and as I said, when men approach me that way, I don't respond well to it.

I prefer a spontaneous more natural interaction.

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Awwwww, sorry, it's not easy to let someone go when we know they're good people and it's just not the dynamic we're looking for. Tomorrow will be a better day. 

Edited August 20, 2021 by Gaeta

[Ami1uwant]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That's not what happened.  It was a spontaneous conversation, we were standing on line!   We both had liquor so couldn't do the self check out.

I am not talking about cold approaching, I actually don't respond to that.  I am talking about striking up a spontaneous convo on the train, or sitting outside eating lunch, any large gathering where it's perfectly normal to talk to people.

When supermarket guy mentioned something to me about how long the lines have gotten, I responded in a friendly way, which in turn prompted him to respond in a friendly way, and before we knew it, we were fully engaged in a very spirited conversation!

Another person might have completely shut him down, I've seen it!  They can't be bothered.  I think if you're single and open to dating (or even if you're not), it's important to be friendly, open and approachable.  Like I said, I just really enjoy talking to people.

 It sure beats on line which I refuse to do ever again!

That's what Lemming is talking about I think NOT walking up to/cold approaching a complete stranger and attempting to engage in BS small talk.

That is very difficult and as I said, when men approach me that way, I don't respond well to it.

I prefer a spontaneous more natural interaction.

 

You are missing the point…something sparked the conversation. It didn’t just happen and it likely wasn’t some pick up line he did to start it.

 

I work at a large p,ace st the time. I have no problems dating someone at work if this isn’t someone I regularly work with day in day out. I do t try to pick up peop,e but I can talk t peop,e for work reasons.

 

one time there I was at a joint meeting of peop,e from different offices. We were sitting next to each other and I didn’t know her. I started working there 3 months ago. The meeting lasts an hour. I was curious about more info about what she had mentioned. After the meeting we started to talk about this and the conversation flowed so easily.  I didn’t know much personal about her but I wanted to find out more like was she one of those who is a social butterfly or was this unusual for her.  We had talked again and it flowed.  I still didn’t know much about her personally.  I asked her about wanting to get to know her. I found out she was engaged already.  We just became friends.  Even she has said if she wasn’t already engaged we might have …this wasn’t something she said to me but to someone else.

 

this kind of think hasn’t happened that often in my life ( I’m not counting first date stuff where you met online). 
 

when I have usually gotten GFs not from online in my life it’s been more of the type of gradually knowing someone where you met and talked. Then met again and talked. After a few times I asked them out.

 

I have had little success in random one time meets.

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said:

You are missing the point…something sparked the conversation. It didn’t just happen and it likely wasn’t some pick up line he did to start it.

 

I work at a large p,ace st the time. I have no problems dating someone at work if this isn’t someone I regularly work with day in day out. I do t try to pick up peop,e but I can talk t peop,e for work reasons.

 

one time there I was at a joint meeting of peop,e from different offices. We were sitting next to each other and I didn’t know her. I started working there 3 months ago. The meeting lasts an hour. I was curious about more info about what she had mentioned. After the meeting we started to talk about this and the conversation flowed so easily.  I didn’t know much personal about her but I wanted to find out more like was she one of those who is a social butterfly or was this unusual for her.  We had talked again and it flowed.  I still didn’t know much about her personally.  I asked her about wanting to get to know her. I found out she was engaged already.  We just became friends.  Even she has said if she wasn’t already engaged we might have …this wasn’t something she said to me but to someone else.

 

this kind of think hasn’t happened that often in my life ( I’m not counting first date stuff where you met online). 
 

when I have usually gotten GFs not from online in my life it’s been more of the type of gradually knowing someone where you met and talked. Then met again and talked. After a few times I asked them out.

 

I have had little success in random one time meets.

Okay, thanks for clarifying, that makes total sense!!  

[Happy Lemming]

43 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I need something to spark a conversation. I’m not walking up to a woman and hit on her.  I suck at small talk BS. 

I usually "break the ice" or start the conversation with the circumstances at hand.  What are the surroundings??  What is she doing??

As an example, I met one woman at a Computer Parts show.  I noticed she was carrying a new ASUS motherboard, I commented that she made a good choice and asked if she was building her own computer.  That led to a conversation, then coffee at the snack bar, an exchange of phone numbers and we started dating.

My current girlfriend I met in an apartment complex pool.  I struck up a conversation about some of things management was doing at the complex, she kept the conversation going and I asked her out for drinks.

I've met women at parties... how do you know the host of the party?? 

I met one woman at an "underground" art gallery, we started discussing a painting we were both looking at, again chit-chatted a while and exchanged phone numbers.

And the list goes on and on... You have to use the circumstances of the situation as a way to ignite or start the conversation with a woman.

I'm sorry you have difficulty with small talk, but it is something you can improve upon with some practice. 

 

[poppyfields]

53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Awwwww, sorry, it's not easy to let someone go when we know they're good people and it's just not the dynamic we're looking for. Tomorrow will be a better day. 

Thanks G.  I just had a glass of wine (about to pour another) and starting to feel better already!  

It was really for the best, I could totally sense something was off, and as it turned out, there was.

I will cherish the memory along with all my other memories. 

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It was really for the best, I could totally sense something was off, and as it turned out, there was.

I guess if you guys had met at a different time, things would have turned out differently.

If could take him 6 months or 6 years or he may never get over the death of his wife. 

It is sad, though.

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

... and starting to feel better already! 

That is good... tomorrow is another day and the sun will rise.

[Miss Spider]

Sorry poppy. I hope you feel better soon

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sorry poppy. I hope you feel better soon

Thanks cookies, should we have a group hug?  LOL

Sorry don't mind me, I am now officially drunk!    

[Miss Spider]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Thanks cookies, should we have a group hug?  LOL

Sorry don't mind me, I am now officially drunk!    

LOL

Edited August 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

UPDATE:  Hey guys, I am not sure this is gonna make much sense, my emotions have been in a whirlwind today, but I will give it a shot.  Hopefully, you can help me sort out!

I have not called supermarket guy cause I have been doing a lot of thinking, especially after reading @babybrownsthread today about remaining friends with ex's and possibly still harboring feelings, and how that feels so threatening to some people.

As I posted yesterday, lawyer guy is in love with his late wife/her memory, and now I am thinking, why am I so threatened by that? 

He said he was falling in love with me too (he said this yesterday) which was what caused his unresolved/suppressed feelings for his late wife to surface in the first place!  Which I have read before in several reputable psychology publications and understand it.  And it "scared" him for lack of a better word.

Which begs the question, can he remain in love with his late wife, but love me too?  Does it have to be one or the other, me or her?

Why am I so bothered by it?  I sound like a hypocrite because on one hand I was telling @babybrownsthat we shouldn't expect our partner's thoughts/feelings to be 100% with us every second of the day, that sometimes we might feel attractions for others, maybe even our ex's from time to time, but as long as we don't act on it, it's perfectly normal, even healthy!

But yet, I dumped my "boyfriend" for just that!  For still having strong loving feelings for his late wife, which he might always have, so does that mean he is unable to fall in love with another woman (i.e. me) ever again?

How do others who have lost their spouse or significant other handle this?  Surely, if it was a good loving marriage or relationship, there are still going to be feelings there that will NEVER go away.  But yet, they are able to fall in love again, have relationships, get married.

I am feeling sad right now, I think I might have acted a bit too hastily, even selfishly.   We had a really good thing until I got scared too I guess, and chose to walk instead of working through my emotions and attempting to understand.

What are your thoughts, especially those who have been involved with widowers themselves, like I think @introverted_1was.

All opinions welcome, thanks guys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Hi cookies, do you have an opinion about this?   You've been pretty spot on so far!     I think you're on a roll.

[Miss Spider]

 

 

I think it depends a great deal on the details. What has he done that made you feel threatened by his ex-wife’s memory? In what way did those feelings “resurface“? Without those details, I think it will be hard for anyone to comment on your particular circumstance

 

I don’t think it’s unusual for a grieving person to “love” a deceased partner and miss certain aspects about them and their relationship, while still having the ability to be realistic with their time left here and open their  heart to someone else. When a man has loved me, I have never questioned it. There may have been feelings that he had for another, but I didn’t know. All I know is that I didn’t feel like I was competing or that his heart was elsewhere because he showed it was with me through his words and his actions. 
 

I think you can be attracted to an ex and still not act on it, however, I think it does put a position of unnecessary temptation and can make your partner uncomfortable because of that. Being close friends with someone that you are emotionally/physically attracted to can open up some doors that you didn’t completely expect, so with all the people to be friends with, that’s why I kind of question the values of someone that does that even if they do not cheat. It’s not even necessarily that I think they act on it 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Fox Sake]

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

UPDATE:  Hey guys, I am not sure this is gonna make much sense, my emotions have been in a whirlwind today, but I will give it a shot.  Hopefully, you can help me sort out!

I have not called supermarket guy cause I have been doing a lot of thinking, especially after reading @babybrownsthread today about remaining friends with ex's and possibly still harboring feelings, and how that feels so threatening to some people.

As I posted yesterday, lawyer guy is in love with his late wife/her memory, and now I am thinking, why am I so threatened by that? 

He said he was falling in love with me too (he said this yesterday) which was what caused his unresolved/suppressed feelings for his late wife to surface in the first place!  Which I have read before in several reputable psychology publications and understand it.  And it "scared" him for lack of a better word.

Which begs the question, can he remain in love with his late wife, but love me too?  Does it have to be one or the other, me or her?

Why am I so bothered by it?  I sound like a hypocrite because on one hand I was telling @babybrownsthat we shouldn't expect our partner's thoughts/feelings to be 100% with us every second of the day, that sometimes we might feel attractions for others, maybe even our ex's from time to time, but as long as we don't act on it, it's perfectly normal, even healthy!

But yet, I dumped my "boyfriend" for just that!  For still having strong loving feelings for his late wife, which he might always have, so does that mean he is unable to fall in love with another woman (i.e. me) ever again?

How do others who have lost their spouse or significant other handle this?  Surely, if it was a good loving marriage or relationship, there are still going to be feelings there that will NEVER go away.  But yet, they are able to fall in love again, have relationships, get married.

I am feeling sad right now, I think I might have acted a bit too hastily, even selfishly.   We had a really good thing until I got scared too I guess, and chose to walk instead of working through my emotions and attempting to understand.

What are your thoughts, especially those who have been involved with widowers themselves, like I think @introverted_1was.

All opinions welcome, thanks guys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Popps, I think I know what you’re going through right now.  Listen, you’ve just been through an emotional rollercoaster, and because of the highs , you haven’t had time to process the lows. 
Now you’re questioning yourself.  Which is no bad thing , but what’s done is already done. 

You say you acted hastily, but really it was quite calculated. You made a decision that it wasn’t for you and someone else lit a spark in you. 
I sense that you feel somewhat guilty and now the initial rush of new guy has worn off, given your empathic, romantic and compassionate nature,you’re questioning your actions. If that’s the case , just take a breath.  
 

If you want to get back with lawyer guy then make sure it’s because it’s what YOU want and not because you feel it’s your moral duty, or “better the devil I know” …then there is cleaning up the mess that was made from the initial breakup chat…

When are they going to add the hug reaction?! You could probably do with one 

Edited August 21, 2021 by Fox Sake
Wee Tod Did

[Miss Spider]

Thank you, Poppy. I really appreciate that you value my opinion. I value yours too and often find you spot on as well. You often bring a side I hadn’t considered, like some alternate motivation that protects the ego from being hurt, and I think it’s cool and could probably be true because people will do weird things to protect it. 
 

Anyway, I asked the question yesterday because I saw some inconsistency in this specific part about your thoughts/feelings. Which we all do because we’re human. I just didn’t want you to act on something you’d regret. I know you are attempting an ideological shift of sorts.  I don’t think there’s a right answer. Different strokes for different folks. But I think if you felt too uncomfortable with this situation, you made the best call.  Take your time to reflect on what happened and please let us know more about what you’re thinking. 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Poppy, I think it depends a great deal on the details. What has he done that made you feel threatened by his ex-wife’s memory? In what way did those feelings “resurface“? Without those details, I think it will be hard for anyone to comment on your particular circumstance

I don’t think it’s unusual for a grieving person to “love” a deceased partner and miss certain aspects about them and their relationship, while still having the ability to be realistic with their time left here and open their  heart to someone else. When a man has loved me, I have never questioned it. There may be feelings that he has lingering for another. I don’t know. All I know is that I didn’t feel like I was competing or that his heart was elsewhere because he showed it was with me through his words and his actions. 

Thank you, that was extremely helpful.  I did feel things were off when we spent the weekend together a couple of weeks ago.  But he was also jet lagged so that may have been part of it too, because the following day things were good, we had a great time.  Or tbh an "okay" time, I still didn't feel quite right.

He told me after his wife died, he blocked it out and immersed himself in his work, his practice, his clients, and making money.  He didn't deal with it at all, which is very similar to how I handle things, like after my mom died, I suppressed those emotions and they didn't actually surface until months later.  But that's a different story.

When he started falling in love with me, he felt guilty.  The feelings he had been suppressing came flooding to the surface, and it threw him totally off balance which is what I had been sensing but didn't know what it was.  I thought it was me!

So I had it all built up in my mind that he wanted out not even realizing his weird behavior was because his feelings were growing and again he felt totally guilty almost like he was cheating on his wife, even though logically he knew he wasn't.

When we talked yesterday and he admitted all this to me, my mind automatically went to "he's still in love with his wife, she will always be first in his heart," which was exactly what my dad felt too after my stepmom died, which I remember quite clearly.  No other woman would ever capture his heart.

I don't know, all I know is I feel very sad today.  But thank you cookies, you ARE a dear, and I mean that sincerely. 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Popps, I think I know what you’re going through right now.  Listen, you’ve just been through an emotional rollercoaster, and because of the highs , you haven’t had time to process the lows. 
Now you’re questioning yourself.  Which is no bad thing , but what’s done is already done. 

You say you acted hastily, but really it was quite calculated. You made a decision that it wasn’t for you and someone else lit a spark in you. 
I sense that you feel somewhat guilty and now the initial rush of new guy has worn off, given your empathic, romantic and compassionate nature,you’re questioning your actions. If that’s the case , just take a breath.  
 

If you want to get back with lawyer guy then make sure it’s because it’s what YOU want and not because you feel it’s your moral duty, or “better the devil I know” …then there is cleaning up the mess that was made from the initial breakup chat…

 

Aww thank you Foxy, posts like this make me realize how you were missed when you were gone. 

Yeah, I need to take a breath, that's for sure!   I have been through a lot the past few months, lots of different emotions whirling around about many things.  Job, school, living situation, among other things.  It's all been a bit crazy, so yeah I definitely need to take a breath, great advice!

Which I will do.  Pour myself another glass of wine and just chill.  Tomorrow is another day, I may feel completely differently!

Thank you so much Fox, and I hope you're okay too with your situation.  

And glad you're back!! 

 

 

[Gaeta]

How you feeling today Poppy? 

I'd be the type of woman to accept a widower will always love his deceased wife. I would not view it as competition but as a wound he'll carry all his life. It doesn't mean he can't love again or love even deeper. Joe Biden comes to mind.