Direct confrontation on mixed signals

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, chillii said:

Well , she'd been away a few wks , she'd need a day or two to get settled and unwind , can't expect her to jump on the ph to you straight of the plane she doesn't even know you. Maybe she was gonna message you. All sounds like way too much fuss n bs from you already and she hasn't even met you yet. l'd be pretty amazed if she turns up or it goes anywhere after all that.

She said told me she would tell me WHEN she was coming back BEFORE she did, so I could confirm. She told me nothing and I found out through my own initiative she had already been back 2 days. 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

She’s full of it xD . 
 

You said you don’t like to be given the run around but that’s exactly what’s happening. You don’t have a place or a time for your date Bc she has no plans to go on the date… You can keep trying but you are being given the run around just so you know lol 

 

so basically try to force her to take a position doesn’t really do anything. Like I said,  it’s usually no use because you already have your answer.  nnnnnn

Maybe you should listen to cookies, since admittedly she's her and has behaved like her?  Sorry cookies, don't mean that as a dig at all, I admire how you own your "stuff."  

In any event, I cannot wait to see how this turns out, the ultimate of cliffhangers! 

clever, keep us posted!   

 

[Starrs]

4 hours ago, cleverusername said:

This takes place building up to the first date she agreed to.

She was supposed to text me before this week and let me know (she said “I’ll let you know”) when she was free because it was somewhat of a time sensitive date in terms of arrangements. She didn't I gave her two weeks to let me know. (COVID kind of delayed the date a few days so she had more time)

So I sent her a feeler text and  she responded by saying she was going to text me today (coincidently huh?) but didn’t apologize.

I then told her I need to know if she’s actually interested or not because I’m getting mixed signals after not hearing back. My wording was, "I know you've been busy but you're sending me mixed signals. If you're not interested anymore, that's fine! If you are, I would still love to take you out! Either way let me know"

Too much/needy or what? Ladies, how do you feel about being confronted like this?

I figured if she didn’t like me, she won’t like me less. If she did, it’s better to find out rather than walk away.

Usually I am pretty passive and would walk away or give the benefit of the doubt, but the fact she didn’t apologize for it and coincidentally was going to text, today... really got me. 

i think you did the right thing, i always do it with men. because they’re into games and i am not. i wouldn’t wanna continue wasting my time either, people just wanna mess around.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, cleverusername said:

 

So I suggested the first date. She agreed, she didn't follow through, she ghosted for two weeks without conformation like promised. I reached back out in Hail Mary attempt, she made no mention of ghosting, I ask her one last time if she was interested or not since she ghosted I got mixed signals. She says yes and says we should grab coffee next week. Do I believe her actions or her words now? That is what I'm getting at.

You failed to mention any of this initially and had you some of the advice would have been much different. 

 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, cleverusername said:

So I suggested the first date. She agreed, she didn't follow through, she ghosted for two weeks without conformation like promised. I reached back out in Hail Mary attempt, she made no mention of ghosting, I ask her one last time if she was interested or not since she ghosted I got mixed signals. She says yes and says we should grab coffee next week. Do I believe her actions or her words now? That is what I'm getting at.

This is still too vague.   She hasn't committed to anything yet & may never actually see you.  

I thought she gave you a date, a place & a time.  Without that, you have nothing.  Stop chasing.  See if she follows through by reaching out to you next week. .  Otherwise give up.  

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Also, just want to be clear that “everything but a yes is a no” doesn’t mean that “every yes is yes” I’ve said yes to lots of people just to get them to go away for a while or changed mind later. It happens 

And that is the kind of behavior that other people find maddening.  If you are not certain learn to say no upfront.  

[cleverusername]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This is still too vague.   She hasn't committed to anything yet & may never actually see you.  

I thought she gave you a date, a place & a time.  Without that, you have nothing.  Stop chasing.  See if she follows through by reaching out to you next week. .  Otherwise give up.  

And that is the kind of behavior that other people find maddening.  If you are not certain learn to say no upfront.  

I gave her a date and time, place, and time waiting to hear back

[basil67]

5 hours ago, cleverusername said:

I then told her I need to know if she’s actually interested or not because I’m getting mixed signals after not hearing back. My wording was, "I know you've been busy but you're sending me mixed signals. If you're not interested anymore, that's fine! If you are, I would still love to take you out! Either way let me know"

I can see that you've worked hard to write something which is light and friendly, however I think it missed the mark. In particular, the bolded is problematic.  If she's not deliberately toying with you, or is sitting on the fence, the accusation may well get up her nose.   It would have been better with "I'm having trouble reading your interest level".  

[Gaeta]

I have a gut feeling she offered a coffee date only to prove something to her ego. Sorry.

A woman that is truly interested in meeting you won't play hide & seek like this. You should have let it die.

[cleverusername]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I can see that you've worked hard to write something which is light and friendly, however I think it missed the mark. In particular, the bolded is problematic.  If she's not deliberately toying with you, or is sitting on the fence, the accusation may well get up her nose.   It would have been better with "I'm having trouble reading your interest level".  

Hindsight 20/20 you’re right

Good initiative, bad judgment on my part. Glad I got it off my chest though and didn’t hold onto animosity. We move on or we don’t, either way I spoke my mind and stood up for myself.

[cleverusername]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have a gut feeling she offered a coffee date only to prove something to her ego. Sorry.

A woman that is truly interested in meeting you won't play hide & seek like this. You should have let it die.

What would that give her ego?

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Hindsight 20/20 you’re right

Good initiative, bad judgment on my part. Glad I got it off my chest though and didn’t hold onto animosity. We move on or we don’t, either way I spoke my mind and stood up for myself.

Wait, I'm confused now, I thought she reached out and made a coffee date!  

What happened?  

[cleverusername]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Wait, I'm confused now, I thought she reached out and made a coffee date!  

What happened?  

No she told me we should for sure grab coffee this coming week. I gave her a place, time, and day just waiting to hear back. 
 

I was just talking long term vision.

[Gaeta]

* sometime next week * is something l tell a guy so he goes away. 

She will not get back to you. Sorry.

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

What would that give her ego?

You caught her off guard, she views herself as a good person, that image of herself got shaken so she instinctively said....l was busy not my fault, offers sometime next week.

It won't happen.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You caught her off guard, she views herself as a good person, that image of herself got shaken so she instinctively said....l was busy not my fault, offers sometime next week.

It won't happen.

Makes sense but sounds more like her conscience than her ego?  Or maybe both?

It will be interesting to see what happens, but yeah if she were so keen on actually meeting, why not set a date right there and then?

Why make clever wait, again?

clever, somehow you need to gain some power back, she's holding all the cards!   

You simply cannot allow that for a woman to respect you properly.  May be to late.  Sorry. 

But we'll see.

Edited August 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Makes sense but sounds more like her conscience than her ego?  Or maybe both?

It will be interesting to see what happens, but yeah if she were so keen on actually meeting, why not set a date right there and then?

She said for me call her Saturday/ Sunday night to confirm but she’s looking forward to it. We will see. Also can I PM you poppy?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

She said for me call her Saturday/ Sunday night to confirm but she’s looking forward to it. 

Is she some sort of brain surgeon that she can't book a 1 hour coffee 5 days ahead?

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Is she some sort of brain surgeon that she can't book a 1 hour coffee 5 days ahead?

I offered Sunday morning but she said she has to get some stuff done before she leaves for business Monday afternoon so to play it by ear

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

She said for me call her Saturday/ Sunday night to confirm but she’s looking forward to it. We will see. Also can I PM you poppy?

Sure my PM is open, as long as you don't yell at me! 

Just teasing.... I'm around.  

Edited August 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I offered Sunday morning but she said she has to get some stuff done before she leaves for business Monday afternoon so to play it by ear

Clever my friend, she is not interested.

The man i'm seeing asked if l could meet him the day before my departure on vacation. I  had tons of  things to do but l made it happenned. 

Edited August 19, 2021 by Gaeta

[Miss Spider]

I feel like most of us have been “this girl” at one point or another if we’re honest with ourselves haha 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Clever my friend, she is not interested.

The man i'm seeing asked if l could meet him the day before my departure on vacation. I  had tons of  things to do but l made it happenned. 

Yes this and also she is obviously too busy to date.  I mean sheesh. It is always later or next week.  If you do start to date her sounds like you will be chasing your tail again and again.

‘Who needs that?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Hindsight 20/20 you’re right

Good initiative, bad judgment on my part. Glad I got it off my chest though and didn’t hold onto animosity. We move on or we don’t, either way I spoke my mind and stood up for myself.

She didn't attack you, so 'standing up for yourself' wasn't required.  

I think the problem is that you're being at the beck and call of another.  If you're dating, don't hang on whether or not someone contacts you.  If they do, great.  If they don't or are flaky, just delete them and move on.   This way, you're boss of your own dating and not at the mercy of the other person. 

[poppyfields]

47 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Clever my friend, she is not interested.

The man i'm seeing asked if l could meet him the day before my departure on vacation. I  had tons of  things to do but l made it happenned. 

Yea I remember that!  And I remember thinking wow, Gaeta must be REALLY into this guy! 

I think with on line people sometimes get scared.  Of what who knows, that's why I absolutely refuse to do on line anymore.

I recall with my last ex, we chatted for two weeks, super clicked, and the day of our first meet, I almost canceled I was so nervous, I mean shaking, couldn't eat, the whole nine.

A couple of my friends had to convince me to meet him, so I did, and I was extremely nervous, which is why I think he kissed me after 30 minutes, just to break the tension!

Everyone will have a different response, I don't think it necessarily means what people assume it to mean.  There is a saying I believe in "things are not always what they appear to be."

I have found that to be true in so many situations.

So my advice is relax and reach out again Sat/Sun like she asked.  Play it out.  Stay positive.

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, cleverusername said:

I gave her a date and time, place, and time waiting to hear back

 

10 hours ago, cleverusername said:

I offered Sunday morning but she said she has to get some stuff done before she leaves for business Monday afternoon so to play it by ear

You have a bunch of excuses but no date.  

There are no "mixed" signals here.  This is a no.  It's a soft no & the woman should be more direct instead of coy but she's just stringing you along.  Sorry. 

 

 

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I feel like most of us have been “this girl” at one point or another if we’re honest with ourselves haha 

I hope not.  I was always more direct than this even as a teen learning to date.  Maybe I said it in a soft voice using words like "I don't think so" but I never said yes when I meant no.