Direct confrontation on mixed signals

[Miss Spider]

Anything that isn’t a yes is a no lol 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Well what would you say? I didn't know if she was interested or not..... she wasn't clear. I needed a clear answer. I told her If she is interested, I would still love to take her out. What else is there to say?

Every other attempt was giving me ambiguous answers. Actions were not matching words. I had to cut the BS.

I get that but you might have said "Are you still interested in meeting?  Let me know and we can set something up."

NOT "If you're not interested, that's fine!!"

Do you not see how negative and pissy that sounds?  Like you have a bug up your ass or something, lol.

Imagine yourself on the receiving end of that.

Anyway, doesn't matter, she still wants to meet for coffee.  So you must have made a good impression somewhere along the way!

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Anything that isn’t a yes is a no lol 

Actually, it ended up being a yes cause she wants to meet him for coffee.  

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I get that but you might have said "Are you still interested in meeting?  Let me know and we can set something up."

That's the entire problem that got me here poppy! She said she wanted to meet then blew it off! That's exactly how I got in the situation!  If she didn't take it seriously the first time, should I have done it a second time? 

Mind you she didn't apologize or acknowledge blowing off the first attempt...

[Miss Spider]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Actually, it ended up being a yes cause she wants to meet him for coffee.  

That’s not really how I understood it or that would have happened? Was just a suggestion. 
 

anything but a yes is  a no

 

 

It’s such an easy principle. If she agrees to a coffee it’s a yes. If she does anything but it’s a no. So easy but people just cannot understand it

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s such an easy principle. If she agrees to a coffee it’s a yes. If she does anything but it’s a no. So easy but people just cannot understand it

No I understand it, it's a common expression, I have heard it too.  But imo not everything is always so black and white, so that expression holds little value to me.

Like here, her initial response was ambiguous, it was not a yes.  One might assume that to mean it was a "no" but it was not a no since she later expressed interest in wanting to meet.

That's all I meant.

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

im super easy-going but if a guy is using terms like "mixed-signals" and "broken promises" -- before the first date.. id be turned off.   Comes across as way too serious/ over invested.    Along with telling me i need to 'communicate better' with him.  

The thing is, yes you have the right to be annoyed/ frustrated -- as dating can be just that.  Is it a good idea to voice this out loud? Definitely not.. before attraction, love and anythingelse is established.. its just indicates someone who isnt going to court and try to impress; instead someone who lacks patience, tolerance and natural charm and warmth:).   JMHO

The only word there I used is "mixed signals"... I just told her she said she was going to contact me 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since, then to find out she's been back for two days already and hasn't reached out is confusing because she said she was interested in the date and would get in contact days ago. The actions not matching the words are sending mixed signals and I need a firm yes or firm no because at this point, I don't know which to believe. 

[cleverusername]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

That’s not really how I understood it or that would have happened? Was just a suggestion. 
 

anything but a yes is  a no

 

 

It’s such an easy principle. If she agrees to a coffee it’s a yes. If she does anything but it’s a no. So easy but people just cannot understand it

She said, "we should meet for coffee next week". Is that a yes or no?

[Miss Spider]

She can express interest in it but until she does she really doesn’t want to ….  I express interest in getting sleeves but I’m not gonna make the appointment most likely. “Maybe” is a “no” until further notice. If you understand what the ambiguity means you wont text people stuff like “do you want to or not? It you don’t, that’s totally fine , but let me know”? 

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

She said, "we should meet for coffee next week". Is that a yes or no?

That’s not a yes or a no. That is just a suggestion. Do you want to meet her for coffee next week? Then you say “sure. Does x day at x time work” 

 

if she says yes. It’s a yes. If she says anything but it’s a no

 

 xD 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[cleverusername]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

That’s not a yes or a no. That is just a suggestion. Do you want to meet her for coffee next week? Then you say “sure. Does x day at x time work” 

 

if she says yes. It’s a yes. If she says anything but it’s a no

 

it’s really not complicated xD 

This is the exact problem that put me into this situation. Again, I said do you want to do X. She said yes. Then didn't follow through. Is that a yes or a no?

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

This is the exact problem that put me into this situation. Again, I said do you want to do X. She said yes. Then didn't follow through. Is that a yes or a no?

What do you mean she didn’t follow through? You made plans and set a date and she stood you up? Or she just won’t confirm? 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

I’m trying to understand how “let’s go get coffee” with no follow up/confirmation turns into “let’s plan a more elaborate date that requires planning in advance” 

 

If she doesn’t confirm the date with you, the silence is a “no” and it’s not really a green light to plan/suggest a  more involved date.

 

Her silence/lack of follow up says it all.  Sometimes you don’t get the answer from them. You have to read between the lines. She’s a time waster

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[cleverusername]

 

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’m trying to understand how “let’s go get coffee” with no follow up/confirmation turns into “let’s plan a more elaborate date that requires planning in advance” 

 

If she doesn’t confirm the date with you, the silence is a big no and it’s not really a green light to plan/suggest a  more involved date.

 

Her silence/lack of follow up says it all.  Sometimes you don’t get the answer from them. You have to read between the lines. She’s a time waster

So I suggested the first date. She agreed, she didn't follow through, she ghosted for two weeks without conformation like promised. I reached back out in Hail Mary attempt, she made no mention of ghosting, I ask her one last time if she was interested or not since she ghosted I got mixed signals. She says yes and says we should grab coffee next week. Do I believe her actions or her words now? That is what I'm getting at.

[Miss Spider]

Also, just want to be clear that “everything but a yes is a no” doesn’t mean that “every yes is yes” I’ve said yes to lots of people just to get them to go away for a while or changed mind later. It happens 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

 

So I suggested the first date. She agreed, she didn't follow through, she ghosted for two weeks without conformation like promised. I reached back out in Hail Mary attempt, she made no mention of ghosting, I ask her one last time if she was interested or not since she ghosted I got mixed signals. She says yes and says we should grab coffee next week. Do I believe her actions or her words now? That is what I'm getting at.

She sounds like such a time waster and no you shouldn’t because she’s proven herself really flakey. I’m telling you this as a woman exactly like her . 
 

if you got nothing else going on, you can say “OK when you wanna meet?” and let her come to you. Otherwise, unless you have a ton of time to waste chasing a lukewarm chick, but I would pass. There are plenty other women 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

She sounds like such a time waster and no you shouldn’t because she’s proven herself really flakey. I’m telling you this as a woman exactly like her . 
 

if you got nothing else going on, you can say “OK when you wanna meet?” and let her come to you. Otherwise, unless you have a ton of time to waste chasing a lukewarm chick, but I would pass. There are plenty other women 

Exactly, she said conveniently that she was going to contact me today (weird after 2+ weeks of silence I picked the exact day). If I didn't reach out to her, would she have contacted me? Who knows? It took her 2 weeks to confirm the first time. 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

She sounds like such a time waster and no you shouldn’t because she’s proven herself really flakey. I’m telling you this as a woman exactly like her . 
 

if you got nothing else going on, you can say “OK when you wanna meet?” and let her come to you. Otherwise, unless you have a ton of time to waste chasing a lukewarm chick, but I would pass. There are plenty other women 

The convo between you and clever reminds me of the Abbott and Costello skit "Who's on First?" ever see it?  It's hilarious.  lol

Anyway, ^^ this makes sense and I agree with you!!

[cleverusername]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The convo between you and clever reminds me of the Abbott and Costello skit "Who's on First?" ever see it?  It's hilarious.  lol

Anyway, ^^ this makes sense and I agree with you!!

Well since we had this talk today she’s definitely being more engaged and communicative. Maybe she was oblivious or just playing games before?

Either way it’s definitely different 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Well since we had this talk today she’s definitely being more engaged and communicative. Maybe she was oblivious or just playing games before?

Either way it’s definitely different 

Well then, I can only conclude that she must have liked what you said, that you called her out on her shyt!!  I mean that seriously.  Most men (or many) are simps when it comes to this stuff, afraid to express an emotion!

I kind of like it too when a man calls me on my bullshyt, often times I am not even aware of all the BS I toss out, lol until he gets a bit peeved and calls me out for it.

I do think what you said sounded pissy but under the circumstances, it might have been a good thing, like I said not everything is always so black and white.

Have fun and let us know how it turns out!!

 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Yosemite]

2 hours ago, cleverusername said:

 I told her she needed to communicate that to me better. In the end she still said she wants to go out after this and offered a time.

And then you said? Do you have a coffee date set up?

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Every other attempt was giving me ambiguous answers. Actions were not matching words. I had to cut the BS.

You're very intense, don't be shocked if this coffee date never happens. Why do you need her to spell everything out for you? People who want to date you, will set up plans and show up to the date, people who don't, won't. Simple. When their actions don't match their words, believe the actions. 

No one wants to be chastised by someone they've never even met, you're not the politeness police. 

[Gaeta]

When is the coffee date?

[cleverusername]

13 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

And then you said?

You're very intense, don't be shocked if this coffee date never happens. Why do you need her to spell everything out for you? People who want to date you, will set up plans and show up to the date, people who don't, won't. Simple. When their actions don't match their words, believe the actions. 

No one wants to be chastised by someone they've never even met, you're not the politeness police. 

Then I said absolutely. I need to advocate for myself, nobody likes to be chastised but I don’t like to be given the run around. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

, she said conveniently that she was going to contact me today 

She’s full of it xD . 
 

You said you don’t like to be given the run around but that’s exactly what’s happening. You don’t have a place or a time for your date Bc she has no plans to go on the date… You can keep trying but you are being given the run around just so you know lol 

 

so basically try to force her to take a position doesn’t really do anything. Like I said,  it’s usually no use because you already have your answer.  nnnnnn

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[chillii]

Well , she'd been away a few wks , she'd need a day or two to get settled and unwind , can't expect her to jump on the ph to you straight of the plane she doesn't even know you. Maybe she was gonna message you. All sounds like way too much fuss n bs from you already and she hasn't even met you yet. l'd be pretty amazed if she turns up or it goes anywhere after all that.