Direct confrontation on mixed signals

August 18, 2021

This takes place building up to the first date she agreed to.

She was supposed to text me before this week and let me know (she said “I’ll let you know”) when she was free because it was somewhat of a time sensitive date in terms of arrangements. She didn't I gave her two weeks to let me know. (COVID kind of delayed the date a few days so she had more time)

So I sent her a feeler text and she responded by saying she was going to text me today (coincidently huh?) but didn’t apologize.

I then told her I need to know if she’s actually interested or not because I’m getting mixed signals after not hearing back. My wording was, "I know you've been busy but you're sending me mixed signals. If you're not interested anymore, that's fine! If you are, I would still love to take you out! Either way let me know"

Too much/needy or what? Ladies, how do you feel about being confronted like this?

I figured if she didn’t like me, she won’t like me less. If she did, it’s better to find out rather than walk away.

Usually I am pretty passive and would walk away or give the benefit of the doubt, but the fact she didn’t apologize for it and coincidentally was going to text, today... really got me.

Edited August 18, 2021 by cleverusername

August 18, 2021

Too much. Too pushy.

It would signal to me that you need a level of communication I was not prepared to give you at the moment. You come across as angry or at least impatient.

For somebody you have never met you take the communication at what they give, not what you want. If you need more then you are getting you move on. You don't sit there & confront some stranger. If you need confirmation, you still phrase it in an upbeat lighthearted manner not this aggressive bullying way.

I would probably ghost you at this point.

August 18, 2021

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you wrote. You said it was a time sensitive date that required arrangements beforehand. See what she replies.

If she doesn't respond, that cuts you loose to date other women. But in future you'll know not to waste your time or your breath on people who don't give you the time of day or don't value you as a person enough to get back to you in a timely manner. I don't think people like that deserve a follow up. Simply move on.

Also, save the time-sensitive stuff for more meaningful relationships (later on down the line when you've established some trust) and actually know the person you're dating.

August 18, 2021

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Too much. Too pushy.

It would signal to me that you need a level of communication I was not prepared to give you at the moment. You come across as angry or at least impatient.

For somebody you have never met you take the communication at what they give, not what you want. If you need more then you are getting you move on. You don't sit there & confront some stranger. If you need confirmation, you still phrase it in an upbeat lighthearted manner not this aggressive bullying way.

I would probably ghost you at this point.

It's not so much the communication as it is a broken promise. She told me she would let me know before this week and didn't. She knew I needed to know in time to set up what we had and chose not to.

I had to come to her and she didn''t apologize for leaving me hanging. Not sure how that's aggressive or bullying.

Edited August 18, 2021 by cleverusername

August 18, 2021

11 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you wrote. You said it was a time sensitive date that required arrangements beforehand. See what she replies.

If she doesn't respond, that cuts you loose to date other women. But in future you'll know not to waste your time or your breath on people who don't give you the time of day or don't value you as a person enough to get back to you in a timely manner. I don't think people like that deserve a follow up. Simply move on.

Also, save the time-sensitive stuff for more meaningful relationships (later on down the line when you've established some trust) and actually know the person you're dating.

Thanks for the reply. She said she was sorry I felt that way but didn’t understand what mixed signals she was sending. I told her that even though she was busy with a lot of stuff, she still waited until after the fact to answer me. She told me she had been preoccupied with stuff on her plate. I told her she needed to communicate that to me better. In the end she still said she wants to go out after this and offered a time.

I just was looking to see if I was an a-hole or if I was justified. A broken promise is a broken promise, ya know?

August 18, 2021

Just now, cleverusername said:

Thanks for the reply. She said she was sorry I felt that way but didn’t understand what mixed signals she was sending. I told her that even though she was busy with a lot of stuff, she still waited until after the fact to answer me. She told me she had been preoccupied with stuff on her plate. I told her she needed to communicate that to me better. In the end she still said she wants to go out after this and offered a time.

I just was looking to see if I was an a-hole or if I was justified. A broken promise is a broken promise, ya know?

I can see where you're going with this. It wasn't a promise. When someone says they'll let you know it's half in/half out. It could go either way and it also indicates that the person doesn't have a good grasp of their schedule or might not be date-able because he or she is just not as available as they think.

The dates I usually arrange or that are arranged by the other person are date and time confirmed early on. Often on a date or after a date, another one is arranged (date and time confirmed). I don't respond to messages like "I'll let you know."

Since she wants to see you and go on this date, see how it goes. This is supposed to be a fun thing seeing someone and enjoying their company. If you don't get along, don't keep arranging any more dates.

August 18, 2021

21 minutes ago, glows said:

I can see where you're going with this. It wasn't a promise. When someone says they'll let you know it's half in/half out. It could go either way and it also indicates that the person doesn't have a good grasp of their schedule or might not be date-able because he or she is just not as available as they think.

The dates I usually arrange or that are arranged by the other person are date and time confirmed early on. Often on a date or after a date, another one is arranged (date and time confirmed). I don't respond to messages like "I'll let you know."

Since she wants to see you and go on this date, see how it goes. This is supposed to be a fun thing seeing someone and enjoying their company. If you don't get along, don't keep arranging any more dates.

For sure. Just to specify the situation a little more, essentially she was out of town for business for a few weeks. I asked her if she wanted to go do this thing on Saturday and she said sure, she would let me know when she would be back in town to confirm. Well, when I talked to her I found out she had been in town for two days already and hadn't let me know nor did she bring up the fact she didn't let me know, mention the date, or apologize for it.

Essentially it was me reaching out after 2 weeks and:

Me- "hey, x how are things? I know business travel can be hectic, hope x city is treating you well"

Her- "Hey Clever, I was actually just going to text you today. I've been back for 2 days. The change of weather from X city and here is really nice"

No apology, no mention, no acknowledgment. Nothing

Edited August 18, 2021 by cleverusername

August 18, 2021

"I know you've been busy but you're sending me mixed signals. If you're not interested anymore, that's fine! If you are, I would still love to take you out! Either way let me know"

A bit much, especially if you're trying to secure a first date.

Something a bit more lighthearted would probably have gone over much better.

Then just leave it alone.

You don't want to have to convince someone to go out with you, ya know?

If she doesn't get how fab you are, then bye girl!

58 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Too much/needy or what? Ladies, how do you feel about being confronted like this?

Edited August 18, 2021 by Alpaca

August 18, 2021

I don’t see much use. Generally, when people do this it’s because they’re not that interested. SHE doesn’t know that’s why she’s pussyfooting and indecisive. So you’re basically asking her to know, which oftentimes when people are pressed like that they’ll just go with no because pressure. And yea that’s pressure. But if it’s a time sensitive date you should just let them know you need an answer by x time. If they don’t get back, you have your answer. “I’ll contact you later” can also be a soft next, a gentle way to let someone down without a firm door slam in the face ,

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

August 18, 2021

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

"I know you've been busy but you're sending me mixed signals. If you're not interested anymore, that's fine! If you are, I would still love to take you out! Either way let me know"

A bit much, especially if you're trying to secure a first date.

Something a bit more lighthearted would probably have gone over much better.

Then just leave it alone.

You don't want to have to convince someone to go out with you, ya know?

If she doesn't get how fab you are, then bye girl!

She already agreed to the first date, I was trying to confirm it.

August 18, 2021

35 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

It's not so much the communication as it is a broken promise. She told me she would let me know before this week and didn't. She knew I needed to know in time to set up what we had and chose not to.

I had to come to her and she didn''t apologize for leaving me hanging. Not sure how that's aggressive or bullying.

When she didn't respond in a timely manner knowing this was time sensitive that was the answer. You were right not to get tickets / spend money under the circumstances.

I would have approached it from a softer place.

Hey, haven't head from you. I needed to know by today if you wanted to do [the thing]. Since you haven't responded, I'm assuming that is a no. If you'd like to get together to do something else, let me know.

It calls her out, gently, about her lack of communication but puts the ball in her court.

Since you are already this peeves just let it be.

August 18, 2021

Just now, cleverusername said:

She already agreed to the first date, I was trying to confirm it.

I think the same thing applies. If a person says they’ll go on a date but doesn’t confirm or ever solidify any plans it’s not really a agreeing to the date

August 18, 2021

16 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

She already agreed to the first date, I was trying to confirm it.

I see.

So does the below mean you now have an actual date/time set?

(never mind, I see that she did, well...there you have it. lol)

41 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

She told me she had been preoccupied with stuff on her plate. I told her she needed to communicate that to me better. In the end she still said she wants to go out after this and offered a time.

Edited August 18, 2021 by Alpaca

August 18, 2021

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

When she didn't respond in a timely manner knowing this was time sensitive that was the answer. You were right not to get tickets / spend money under the circumstances.

I would have approached it from a softer place.

Hey, haven't head from you. I needed to know by today if you wanted to do [the thing]. Since you haven't responded, I'm assuming that is a no. If you'd like to get together to do something else, let me know.

It calls her out, gently, about her lack of communication but puts the ball in her court.

Since you are already this peeves just let it be.

I'm just trying to figure out if I was justified in being peeved or if I need to look at myself lol.....

August 18, 2021

9 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I'm just trying to figure out if I was justified in being peeved or if I need to look at myself lol.....

im super easy-going but if a guy is using terms like "mixed-signals" and "broken promises" -- before the first date.. id be turned off. Comes across as way too serious/ over invested. Along with telling me i need to 'communicate better' with him.

The thing is, yes you have the right to be annoyed/ frustrated -- as dating can be just that. Is it a good idea to voice this out loud? Definitely not.. before attraction, love and anythingelse is established.. its just indicates someone who isnt going to court and try to impress; instead someone who lacks patience, tolerance and natural charm and warmth:). JMHO

August 18, 2021

31 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

For sure. Just to specify the situation a little more, essentially she was out of town for business for a few weeks. I asked her if she wanted to go do this thing on Saturday and she said sure, she would let me know when she would be back in town to confirm. Well, when I talked to her I found out she had been in town for two days already and hadn't let me know nor did she bring up the fact she didn't let me know, mention the date, or apologize for it.

Essentially it was me reaching out after 2 weeks and:

Me- "hey, x how are things? I know business travel can be hectic, hope x city is treating you well"

Her- "Hey Clever, I was actually just going to text you today. I've been back for 2 days. The change of weather from X city and here is really nice"

No apology, no mention, no acknowledgment. Nothing

I'd interpret this as her being a busy person. She doesn't have to apologize for that. No one has to apologize for anything this early. You're coming at this a bit too heavy and dark or punitive regarding her not getting back to you early on. She could also be dating and seeing or arranging dates with other men. Try not to overthink this too early. I agree with the others about a softer touch moving forward.

If you can overlook this, maybe there's a chance at something blossoming here. Isn't that what you want?

August 18, 2021

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd interpret this as her being a busy person. She doesn't have to apologize for that. No one has to apologize for anything this early. You're coming at this a bit too heavy and dark or punitive regarding her not getting back to you early on. She could also be dating and seeing or arranging dates with other men. Try not to overthink this too early. I agree with the others about a softer touch moving forward.

If you can overlook this, maybe there's a chance at something blossoming here. Isn't that what you want?

Yeah, I think It was just the manifestation of being left in the dark for 2 weeks then the shock of finding out she had been back already without telling me. I was prepared and ready to move on if it was ghosting, but I wasn't prepared for her to tell me she had been withholding contact with me (she still managed to view my social media for the entire 2 weeks tho).

I just told her it boiled down to a miscommunication between us and that I don't think any less of her or negativley. Just I needed to make sure we both were on the same page with each other. She still wants to grab coffee tho so......

August 18, 2021

24 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I'm just trying to figure out if I was justified in being peeved or if I need to look at myself lol.....

You can BE peeved. You simply need to keep that to yourself before you even meet.

Go have coffee with her & save the stuff that requires coordination for once you have been on a few dates.

Edited August 18, 2021 by d0nnivain

August 18, 2021

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

My wording was, "I know you've been busy but you're sending me mixed signals. If you're not interested anymore, that's fine! If you are, I would still love to take you out! Either way let me know"

Well either she'll text you, ignore or go out on a date. Basically this says, crap or get off the pot. Whatever she does, you'll have an answer.

I think "straight forward" is my middle name but this is a bit right to the point for a stranger.

August 18, 2021

Have you met before. A big ordeal for a first date would it make me really uncomfortable. I like to be able to back out of those. I suggest planning some thing more casual next time. The next date if you really hit it off can be different

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

August 18, 2021

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Have you met before. A big ordeal for a first date would it make me really uncomfortable. I like to be able to back out of those. I suggest planning some thing more casual next time. The next date if you really hit it off can be different

She suggested coffee lol

Edited August 18, 2021 by cleverusername

August 18, 2021

10 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

She suggested coffee lol

Then coffee it is. Your elaborate plans were too much but she didn't know how to tell you that.

August 18, 2021

2 hours ago, cleverusername said:

My wording was, "I know you've been busy but you're sending me mixed signals. If you're not interested anymore, that's fine!

Did you really say it that way, that if she's not interested, that's fine? With the exclamation point? lol

If you are interested in her, why would that be "fine"? Serious question.

How I would translate that is either you don't give a shyt OR it sounds pissy and passive/aggressive.

Even IF I had an interest in you but genuinely busy, I would find that a turn off.

Good luck though, hope it works out.

Edit: I just read she still wants to have coffee! Fabulous! Try to not stress so much and have fun!

Edited August 18, 2021 by poppyfields

August 18, 2021

34 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Yeah, I think It was just the manifestation of being left in the dark for 2 weeks then the shock of finding out she had been back already without telling me. I was prepared and ready to move on if it was ghosting, but I wasn't prepared for her to tell me she had been withholding contact with me (she still managed to view my social media for the entire 2 weeks tho).

I just told her it boiled down to a miscommunication between us and that I don't think any less of her or negativley. Just I needed to make sure we both were on the same page with each other. She still wants to grab coffee tho so......

That's great. Go for coffee, relax. Act natural and don't be too intense.

August 18, 2021

Well what would you say? I didn't know if she was interested or not..... she wasn't clear. I needed a clear answer. I told her If she is interested, I would still love to take her out. What else is there to say?

Every other attempt was giving me ambiguous answers. Actions were not matching words. I had to cut the BS.

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