Texting patterns of your MM/ex-MM. What's your experience?

[Vivalavi]

I am curious. What was texting pattern you've experienced? Did you notice quickly when things changed? How did it make you feel?

I was just thinking about it last night. Ever since my MM started to talk to me, he was consistent with times. Every day - morning text/snap on his way to work, next one hour later , another during his lunch break, next few snaps on his way home. Then some more around 7 pm. When he felt frisky, some around 10. I noticed his time pattern and when things started to change, I became anxious when I didn't hear from him at his usual times. Do you think this is some type of conditioning? Why would he do that? Or am I overthinking? What is your experience? 

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I am curious. What was texting pattern you've experienced? Did you notice quickly when things changed? How did it make you feel?

I was just thinking about it last night. Ever since my MM started to talk to me, he was consistent with times. Every day - morning text/snap on his way to work, next one hour later , another during his lunch break, next few snaps on his way home. Then some more around 7 pm. When he felt frisky, some around 10. I noticed his time pattern and when things started to change, I became anxious when I didn't hear from him at his usual times. Do you think this is some type of conditioning? Why would he do that? Or am I overthinking? What is your experience? 

You are overthinking. I noticed I texted first more due to our time change. But our texting and phone calling stayed consistent.  If he was delayed in reply during the day it was due to work. He texted me right up to my bedtime 3 hours behind his. 

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, Myabee said:

You are overthinking.

You are overthinking.

Kindly, you have another thread where you have essentially been asking the very same questions. Why post another thread - are you hoping to find a different answer?

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You are overthinking.

Kindly, you have another thread where you have essentially been asking the very same questions. Why post another thread - are you hoping to find a different answer?

I did not post a thread about texting patterns. I was replying to the person who started this thread! I posted last about it being over I broke nc... now went back to nc. Not sure what uou mean? 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I am curious. What was texting pattern you've experienced? Did you notice quickly when things changed? How did it make you feel?

I was just thinking about it last night. Ever since my MM started to talk to me, he was consistent with times. Every day - morning text/snap on his way to work, next one hour later , another during his lunch break, next few snaps on his way home. Then some more around 7 pm. When he felt frisky, some around 10. I noticed his time pattern and when things started to change, I became anxious when I didn't hear from him at his usual times. Do you think this is some type of conditioning? Why would he do that? Or am I overthinking? What is your experience? 

I don't think so(to him conditioning you intentionally) but it is conditioning you as a person in the process unfortunately. We get used to patterns of behaviour. But you are not helpless in the situation either and have a choice to alter that pattern or divert/go on a completely different path such as blocking and deleting his number permanently. 

[RebeccaR]

Every relationship changes over time. Even an affair can become more habitual and old hat. Why would you expect him to maintain the same exact communication style over a long period of time?

More to the point, he ended the affair. So he himself is just texting out of boredom or habit. It doesn’t mean anything more.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I did not post a thread about texting patterns. I was replying to the person who started this thread! I posted last about it being over I broke nc... now went back to nc. Not sure what uou mean? 

Bailey was agreeing with you as regards the OP's overthinking, the rest of the post, she is addressing the OP. 
Not you.

[Vivalavi]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You are overthinking.

Kindly, you have another thread where you have essentially been asking the very same questions. Why post another thread - are you hoping to find a different answer?

I explained my situation, but I wanted to hear other people experience. Not looking for a different answer. Just wondering.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I did not post a thread about texting patterns. I was replying to the person who started this thread! I posted last about it being over I broke nc... now went back to nc. Not sure what uou mean? 

My apology for the misunderstanding. I quoted you because I agreed with your comment that she was overthinking this. 

The remainder of my response was directed toward Vivalavi, as she has another thread with essentially the same discussion. 

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My apology for the misunderstanding. I quoted you because I agreed with your comment that she was overthinking this. 

The remainder of my response was directed toward Vivalavi, as she has another thread with essentially the same discussion. 

Ok. I was wondering...

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Why would he do that?

Why is he decreasing contact/becoming more inconsistent - 

1 - He is married and he has decided to end your relationship.unfortunately, his decision to “stay friends” and the fact that he continues to text you is confusing for you and it gives you false hope. That’s not fair to you. For what reason he is continuing to do this, only he can say. It is a very selfish thing for him to do.

2 - He is pursuing another relationship. 

At the end of the day, this is the nature of an extramarital affair. Communication is determined by him. When you see him is determined by him. When you have sex is determined by him. As such, it is very one sided. It is the push/pull that is often discussed on this site. The fact that he was consistent and is now less consistent tells you something is different - see points 1 and 2. 

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Ok. I was wondering...

My apology, my post was clear in my own mind… not so clear when I read it back again.

[Luna66star]

Texting becomes more like friends, less flirty and lovey dovey. There is a distinct distance in the tone. Gradually it becomes more sporadic to the point where it resembles "maintenance" communication.  It all means what you had together is dying.  They won't let it go completely though.  When they find a new, shiney toy, it's been my experience that you will be tucked away in a drawer for awhile.  

It's all a slow, painful experience for the woman who actually cares about the MM.

 

 

[elaine567]

The problem with many affairs (and indeed other relationships) is that women (usually) as time goes on want "more". 
More attention, more affection, more connection, more communication, more closeness, more romance, more love... etc.
Even women who know he is never going to leave, want to be his priority, want to be seen as "special" in some way.
Men (usually) and those in affairs  in particular do not have the desire or the need to from closer and closer bonds with a woman, especially one who he knows is not "the love of his life", a woman who he is basically using for sex or attention but who he has no intention of getting closer and closer to.
She presses for "more", he wants to introduce "space", he wants to get what he wants with minimal effort and minimal risk to his marriage and life. 
He thus feels the need to manage her expectations and curb her flights of fancy when they do not suit his agenda.
He then controls the affair, he becomes the puppet master...  
Unfortunately "love" is what tends to keep so many woman hooked, despite being in relationships that do not make them happy.
"More" is never or rarely ever achievable in relationships with men who have other more important priorities in their lives.

[NYAG]

16 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I am curious. What was texting pattern you've experienced? Did you notice quickly when things changed? How did it make you feel?

I was just thinking about it last night. Ever since my MM started to talk to me, he was consistent with times. Every day - morning text/snap on his way to work, next one hour later , another during his lunch break, next few snaps on his way home. Then some more around 7 pm. When he felt frisky, some around 10. I noticed his time pattern and when things started to change, I became anxious when I didn't hear from him at his usual times. Do you think this is some type of conditioning? Why would he do that? Or am I overthinking? What is your experience? 

When things start to change, they are either losing interest or don't feel they have to impress you anymore. The honeymoon period ends quickly with these sorts of things and it becomes routine as real life carries on all around. If you want to be constantly getting that initial buzz you need to keep moving on to a new one. Once the novelty is over things will slow down. That's the way it is with any relationship really.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

 Why would he do that? Or am I overthinking? 

He needs to revolve around when he's not busy with his wife or she's not around.

Married men's time revolves around their wives not their mistresses.

So there's no meaning to it other than whatever is going on at home for him at the moment.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Why would he do that?

Because those were the times of day when his wife was not available or around, and she was less likely to catch him. 

It wasn't about conditioning you, but about making sure she didn't notice. 

[Daisydooks]

On 8/18/2021 at 1:15 PM, Vivalavi said:

Why would he do that? Or am I overthinking? What is your experience? 

My experience is as the BS, so maybe this is a different perspective than youre looking for, but I spoke to both her and him and here is what I can share about why his patterns were what they were. He called and texted when time allowed. Its pretty simple.  When he was home, she didnt exist. Simple. When he wasnt home, I didnt exist. Simple. 

I did meet OW. I even appreciated her to honest. She told me things he surely didnt admit to (and provided proof upon my asking to meet her.) I got her truth before confronting him. We sat together for hours and talked. I wanted the raw truth. I wanted to see her and meet her. She was nervous about me lashing out but found out I wasnt the awful woman he had painted me out to be. Sad really. 

She was actually quite an amazing girl. Younger than me, with not a lot going for her, but I will say when she did find out I existed, she tracked me down and told me. So for that, kudos to her. She confronted him, he lied about me (I was awful/no sex/all the cheater handbook quotes,) and while she was upset, she didnt end it officially until I confronted him. We dumped him the same day.

What she shared with me was that they would text and call between 7 and 5 in the day, but that he would go silent around dinner and not speak to her again until the next morning. She started to suspect he was married after a few months of dating when she felt they should start meeting friends and stuff. Every now and then she would get a call or text after 5, but it was infrequent. I did see friends or work later myself some nights, so he did have the ability every now and then to do so after 5.  He did this because he was at home with me. She never met friends because she wasnt to exist and our friends would have told me. She didnt come over, because she wasnt allowed in my house... or he wasnt willing to bring her to our home (thank God.) She didnt get phone calls or texts after 5 because he was home with his wife. She didnt see him or speak to him much on weekends unless I was gone for some reason, because he was with me. Dont overthink it. My ex was very good at compartmentalizing us. He had his normal every day life where we were trying to have a baby, fairly settled after 12 years together and for the most part happy. Even through his thoughtless and careless cheating, I dont think he was unhappy with me. Given a solid out, he threw her under the bus and begged for me to be with him (we had no children and I left the house so it wasnt as if he was left homeless or had to go without.) He had no large financial ties to me. He had no reason to stay if he was truly unhappy, anyway. Unfortunately for him, my staying wasnt up to him and I left after DDay. They ultimately didnt end up together either as she also decided to not continue their relationship once I left. His behaviour towards her, and begging me to stay kind of broke the camels back for her. She felt she meant more. Given what she shared, I felt he would be happy to be free and was shocked at his insistence that we should be together given everything he shared about me and how awful I was. Heck, we didn't even have sex! (We had a lot of sex as we were trying to conceive.) The lies we both caught him in were just extreme and awful. 

Dont overthink his behaviour. People who do these things are liars, and cheaters and selfish AF. Dont read to much into anything. My ex literally just spoke to her and saw her when I was not present.  That is all.

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by Daisydooks

[glows]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

My experience is as the BS, so maybe this is a different perspective than youre looking for, but I spoke to both her and him and here is what I can share about why his patterns were what they were. He called and texted when time allowed. Its pretty simple.  When he was home, she didnt exist. Simple. When he wasnt home, I didnt exist. Simple. 

I did meet OW. I even appreciated her to honest. She told me things he surely didnt admit to (and provided proof upon my asking to meet her.) I got her truth before confronting him. We sat together for hours and talked. I wanted the raw truth. I wanted to see her and meet her. She was nervous about me lashing out but found out I wasnt the awful woman he had painted me out to be. Sad really. 

She was actually quite an amazing girl. Younger than me, with not a lot going for her, but I will say when she did find out I existed, she tracked me down and told me. So for that, kudos to her. She confronted him, he lied about me (I was awful/no sex/all the cheater handbook quotes,) and while she was upset, she didnt end it officially until I confronted him. We dumped him the same day.

What she shared with me was that they would text and call between 7 and 5 in the day, but that he would go silent around dinner and not speak to her again until the next morning. She started to suspect he was married after a few months of dating when she felt they should start meeting friends and stuff. Every now and then she would get a call or text after 5, but it was infrequent. I did see friends or work later myself some nights, so he did have the ability every now and then to do so after 5.  He did this because he was at home with me. She never met friends because she wasnt to exist and our friends would have told me. She didnt come over, because she wasnt allowed in my house... or he wasnt willing to bring her to our home (thank God.) She didnt get phone calls or texts after 5 because he was home with his wife. She didnt see him or speak to him much on weekends unless I was gone for some reason, because he was with me. Dont overthink it. My ex was very good at compartmentalizing us. He had his normal every day life where we were trying to have a baby, fairly settled after 12 years together and for the most part happy. Even through his thoughtless and careless cheating, I dont think he was unhappy with me. Given a solid out, he threw her under the bus and begged for me to be with him (we had no children and I left the house so it wasnt as if he was left homeless or had to go without.) He had no large financial ties to me. He had no reason to stay if he was truly unhappy, anyway. Unfortunately for him, my staying wasnt up to him and I left after DDay. They ultimately didnt end up together either as she also decided to not continue their relationship once I left. His behaviour towards her, and begging me to stay kind of broke the camels back for her. She felt she meant more. Given what she shared, I felt he would be happy to be free and was shocked at his insistence that we should be together given everything he shared about me and how awful I was. Heck, we didn't even have sex! (We had a lot of sex as we were trying to conceive.) The lies we both caught him in were just extreme and awful. 

Dont overthink his behaviour. People who do these things are liars, and cheaters and selfish AF. Dont read to much into anything. My ex literally just spoke to her and saw her when I was not present.  That is all.

 

Strong woman you. 

Life has a funny way of coming back full circle, doesn't it. 

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Strong woman you. 

Life has a funny way of coming back full circle, doesn't it. 

Thanks, Glows. It was such a messy time in my life, but Im so glad I found out when I did and left when I did. Life is much different for me today ❤ For the lessons, I am thankful.

[Myabee]

On 8/19/2021 at 6:14 AM, Wiseman2 said:

He needs to revolve around when he's not busy with his wife or she's not around.

Married men's time revolves around their wives not their mistresses.

So there's no meaning to it other than whatever is going on at home for him at the moment.

yes! 

[Vivalavi]

On 8/18/2021 at 4:47 PM, BaileyB said:

Why is he decreasing contact/becoming more inconsistent - 

1 - He is married and he has decided to end your relationship.unfortunately, his decision to “stay friends” and the fact that he continues to text you is confusing for you and it gives you false hope. That’s not fair to you. For what reason he is continuing to do this, only he can say. It is a very selfish thing for him to do.

2 - He is pursuing another relationship. 

At the end of the day, this is the nature of an extramarital affair. Communication is determined by him. When you see him is determined by him. When you have sex is determined by him. As such, it is very one sided. It is the push/pull that is often discussed on this site. The fact that he was consistent and is now less consistent tells you something is different - see points 1 and 2. 

All true. My thing is - if he is distant because of his marriage, I can take it and see it as a right thing to do. 

However, if he is distant because he is pursuing someone else - that I can't understand. How low would that be of him???!  Using his wife as excuse just to look for a new excitement? 

[Vivalavi]

On 8/20/2021 at 12:37 AM, Daisydooks said:

My experience is as the BS, so maybe this is a different perspective than youre looking for, but I spoke to both her and him and here is what I can share about why his patterns were what they were. He called and texted when time allowed. Its pretty simple.  When he was home, she didnt exist. Simple. When he wasnt home, I didnt exist. Simple. 

I did meet OW. I even appreciated her to honest. She told me things he surely didnt admit to (and provided proof upon my asking to meet her.) I got her truth before confronting him. We sat together for hours and talked. I wanted the raw truth. I wanted to see her and meet her. She was nervous about me lashing out but found out I wasnt the awful woman he had painted me out to be. Sad really. 

She was actually quite an amazing girl. Younger than me, with not a lot going for her, but I will say when she did find out I existed, she tracked me down and told me. So for that, kudos to her. She confronted him, he lied about me (I was awful/no sex/all the cheater handbook quotes,) and while she was upset, she didnt end it officially until I confronted him. We dumped him the same day.

What she shared with me was that they would text and call between 7 and 5 in the day, but that he would go silent around dinner and not speak to her again until the next morning. She started to suspect he was married after a few months of dating when she felt they should start meeting friends and stuff. Every now and then she would get a call or text after 5, but it was infrequent. I did see friends or work later myself some nights, so he did have the ability every now and then to do so after 5.  He did this because he was at home with me. She never met friends because she wasnt to exist and our friends would have told me. She didnt come over, because she wasnt allowed in my house... or he wasnt willing to bring her to our home (thank God.) She didnt get phone calls or texts after 5 because he was home with his wife. She didnt see him or speak to him much on weekends unless I was gone for some reason, because he was with me. Dont overthink it. My ex was very good at compartmentalizing us. He had his normal every day life where we were trying to have a baby, fairly settled after 12 years together and for the most part happy. Even through his thoughtless and careless cheating, I dont think he was unhappy with me. Given a solid out, he threw her under the bus and begged for me to be with him (we had no children and I left the house so it wasnt as if he was left homeless or had to go without.) He had no large financial ties to me. He had no reason to stay if he was truly unhappy, anyway. Unfortunately for him, my staying wasnt up to him and I left after DDay. They ultimately didnt end up together either as she also decided to not continue their relationship once I left. His behaviour towards her, and begging me to stay kind of broke the camels back for her. She felt she meant more. Given what she shared, I felt he would be happy to be free and was shocked at his insistence that we should be together given everything he shared about me and how awful I was. Heck, we didn't even have sex! (We had a lot of sex as we were trying to conceive.) The lies we both caught him in were just extreme and awful. 

Dont overthink his behaviour. People who do these things are liars, and cheaters and selfish AF. Dont read to much into anything. My ex literally just spoke to her and saw her when I was not present.  That is all.

 

I'm sorry you went through all this. I hope you are much happier now and found someone great you deserve. I don't understand how they can lie like that. How they can portrait their spouse if she isn't like that. I don't get it.

I simply don't understand compartmentalizing.  I think of him no matter where I am which sucks. I overthink a lot of what he does and question what my gut feeling is telling me. I sometimes wonder whether it's my gut feeling or my insecurities/fear of abandonment talking. 

I'm not any better than him because I'm obviously a cheater too, except I don't lie to him and I don't talk to anyone but him. Could I? Of course! I choose not to. But I feel that I'm just one of many.

I don't lie to my husband about being happy in our marriage. I don't feed him I love yous while thinking of MM. But I cheat on him and lie about MM existence or being faithful. It's wrong on many levels and also selfish. 

My MM told me about his wife that there is no intimacy. He can't even be loud because she finds it awkward. No oral or anything besides the usual. He said she doesn't like to make mess. 

I doubt he pulls that dominance thing with her he does with me. I guess I'm just a toy to fullfil his porn inspired fantasies. I don't understand anything anymore. 

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

However, if he is distant because he is pursuing someone else - that I can't understand. How low would that be of him???! 

I don’t understand how you could have the expectation that someone who has been lying and cheating on his wife to behave morally and ethically. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

8 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

 

However, if he is distant because he is pursuing someone else - that I can't understand. How low would that be of him???!  Using his wife as excuse just to look for a new excitement? 

This surprises you? That he might be pursuing someone else? Not all MMs focus on a single OW. I have known guys with multiple OW. If they are not getting what they want from either their wife or their OW they will simply find another.