I need some clarity!

[EndlesslyLost]

Hi everyone, 

I’ve been reading so many threads the past few weeks trying to figure out my feelings and situation so wanted to share my story and would love to hear your thoughts. 

I met MM a year ago online, I was coming out of a 14 year mentally & emotionally abusive relationship, my partner had essentially walked out on our family for someone else. I was in a pretty fragile place and chatting to someone without the gaslighting was simply a lovely change. He appeared to be in a seemingly happy marriage aside from what he had said was sexless. He was straight up from the start and said he wasn’t interested in changing his relationship status which was fine as I was in no place for another mess. 

After a month of talking we decided to meet for a coffee, we have since met once a week for the past year aside from the odd few weeks here and there. We would message daily and I was cautious of his boundaries, I never mentioned his family or asked for anything more.  

He is very protective of his life, job, family, friends & has a lot to lose so I knew and accepted it was never going to be more than what it was. 

I also felt like we had a close friendship before anything else but I obviously thought of him often and wondered who he was a partner and father. 

Two weeks ago he came over for our usual catch up when he unexpectedly told me he couldn’t do it anymore as the guilt was too much. We were often physical but more often than not we would just lay in each others arms, talk and just be. 

I was pretty devastated when he told me how torn he was, he asked for time to figure it out and I let him go away and think about what he wanted. He messaged 4 days later telling me he couldn’t continue seeing me in this way it but would cherish a friendship between us. 

I accepted this, I can’t be angry or blame him and I told him how much I appreciated his honesty. We then organised for him to visit in two weeks, which was today.

I have been absolutely heartbroken the last few weeks and I don’t know why. I miss everything about him. I went no contact after our last messages saying we would remain friends. I couldn’t bring myself to email him. He messaged me a week later to confirm our catch up. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared seeing him would set me back but I agreed to meet. 

He has just left, he stayed for a couple of hours and we had a cup of tea and chat. He told me he felt guilty because of the longevity of our “friendship” and that we were getting too close & deep and it was crossing his line so to speak. He has mentioned he has cheated a couple times before with no remorse so I wasn’t sure why this was different for him. We both value our friendship and he has mentioned staying in touch a few times a week or even daily. Meeting up every few weeks to a month or so. 

We talked like we would usually talk, nothing had changed except for the physical and it’s just so bizarre. Although he did greet me with a kiss and long hug goodbye. 

It’s an easy, free, no drama connection, and the first time in years I felt seen, safe and valued when with him. I know that’s not  really the reality but it was in the moments I had with him and I felt at peace.

When he leaves I’ve always felt somewhat empty and confused and I can’t work out how I feel about this and him. 

I don’t know whether the friendship will be good for me or why he would even want this when he already has such a busy fulfilling life. 

He has been such a great support to me and I feel we genuinely care about each other but I miss not being able to touch him.

We talked what’s too much communication and he said he doesn’t have any sort of boundaries and if it gets too much we will talk about it.

I don’t want to get caught up in hope for something like we had. I don’t want to completely lose him but I can’t figure how this friendship thing works when everything feels the same. 

I should add that I’m also confused as to how I can do this when my partner up and disappeared on us for someone else. 

Thanks for reading!!

 

 

 

[NYAG]

Simple fact - you may have got out of an abusive marriage but now you are in an unhappy 'friendship' I would walk away. It sounds like he's going to be constantly throwing the guilt card around and you're the one that's going to suffer for it. He says he feels guilty yet he's also done this before which tells me he KNOWS what he is doing, and that he knows your past makes his actions utterly irresponsible. He knows how this must be affecting you. I would be VERY wary of his intentions here. Protect yourself first. Hard as it is, this will keep going around in circles and you will be the one who ends up getting heart broken. End it. If he's feeling that guilty you'll be doing both of you a favour by cutting him off.

[EndlesslyLost]

2 minutes ago, NYAG said:

Simple fact - you may have got out of an abusive marriage but now you are in an unhappy 'friendship' I would walk away. It sounds like he's going to be constantly throwing the guilt card around and you're the one that's going to suffer for it. He says he feels guilty yet he's also done this before which tells me he KNOWS what he is doing, and that he knows your past makes his actions utterly irresponsible. He knows how this must be affecting you. I would be VERY wary of his intentions here. Protect yourself first. Hard as it is, this will keep going around in circles and you will be the one who ends up getting heart broken. End it. If he's feeling that guilty you'll be doing both of you a favour by cutting him off.

Everything you say makes absolute sense.
I was hoping he wouldn’t contact me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to help replying. I don’t feel like I’m as heartbroken as I was when he first told me he felt guilty but maybe that’s because I’m happy that he still wants to maintain a friendship and I’m not completely losing him. 
The whole guilt thing is odd though because if he wants to keep up reasonable contact how is that really any different to what we were doing, especially as it was deep ‘friendship’ thing that was bothering him the most.  
I’m not sure why it’s so difficult to end this when it has been an unhappy but happy friendship.

Thanks for your reply! 
 
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EndlesslyLost said:

my partner had essentially walked out on our family for someone else. chatting to someone without the gaslighting 

Sorry this happened. Try to focus more on recovering from your prior relationship.

Make sure you pursue court ordered child support for your children.

Unfortunately, cheaters are the biggest gaslighters of all. Everything they do and say is a lie.

It's great you have insight that this started while you were in a bad place.

That's the first step in getting yourself and your life in a better place.

[EndlesslyLost]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Try to focus more on recovering from your prior relationship.

Make sure you pursue court ordered child support for your children.

Unfortunately, cheaters are the biggest gaslighters of all. Everything they do and say is a lie.

It's great you have insight that this started while you were in a bad place.

That's the first step in getting yourself and your life in a better place.

Thank you.

I have been seeing a therapist at least every month for the past year although she doesn’t know about MM. It’s so ridiculous that I actually haven’t told anyone. 
I’m so sad but thankful in a way that he has got the guilts because I don’t think I would have been strong enough to end it. It was just so unexpected and to go from daily chat to nothing has been difficult. 
MM has been a welcome distraction; something to look forward to but I guess I should have been focusing on more healthier ways ways to cope. It just felt good to have someone who cared and I can’t help but compare him to my ex. I know they both cheat but at least it appears MM doesn’t want to destroy his family unlike my ex. 
 

Thanks for your thoughts! 

[Starswillshine]

You met this guy online, and he has had multiple affairs prior to? My guess he was online specifically looking for an affair partner. Not because he is unhappy or has a bad marriage, but because he wants variety. Something new. Which means this relationship has probably run its course and now he is looking for something else to excite him. He plays the guilt guy because that makes him sound like a good man and also is a reason that you maybe you won't hate him for. It keeps you on the back burning as well.

Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Even his actions of calling, testing, meeting... they do not mean much. 

Cheaters lie. They look into their spouses eyes every single day and tell her/him a bold face lie. With words AND actions. Thus, nothing he says or does can be trusted as real truth. Serial cheaters are skilled manipulators. 

All of this being said, this man came into your life when you were experiencing great turmoil. This put a bandaid on the pain you were feeling. So be prepared that all that pain may come flooding back on top of the pain of this ending. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. It's OK to not be a ok for sometime. Find some hobbies to keep you busy during the idle times. Hugs. 

[EndlesslyLost]

18 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

You met this guy online, and he has had multiple affairs prior to? My guess he was online specifically looking for an affair partner. Not because he is unhappy or has a bad marriage, but because he wants variety. Something new. Which means this relationship has probably run its course and now he is looking for something else to excite him. He plays the guilt guy because that makes him sound like a good man and also is a reason that you maybe you won't hate him for. It keeps you on the back burning as well.

Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Even his actions of calling, testing, meeting... they do not mean much. 

Cheaters lie. They look into their spouses eyes every single day and tell her/him a bold face lie. With words AND actions. Thus, nothing he says or does can be trusted as real truth. Serial cheaters are skilled manipulators. 

All of this being said, this man came into your life when you were experiencing great turmoil. This put a bandaid on the pain you were feeling. So be prepared that all that pain may come flooding back on top of the pain of this ending. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. It's OK to not be a ok for sometime. Find some hobbies to keep you busy during the idle times. Hugs. 

I believe he was online looking for someone, absolutely. 

It makes me feel sick to think that maybe he isn’t who I thought or that maybe he is looking for something better. He has been so supportive though and I can’t not acknowledge that although I have often wondered what he was really getting from our friendship. He always used to say I was insecure and if he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t be visiting but now I wonder if he did just grow tired of me. 
Such a nightmare! 
 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

 

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

...because he wants variety. Something new. Which means this relationship has probably run its course and now he is looking for something else to excite him. He plays the guilt guy because that makes him sound like a good man and also is a reason that you maybe you won't hate him for. It keeps you on the back burning as well...

^^^ this.
unless something drastic has happened in his life and suddenly he is Oh so guilty... I guess he is dumping you for a new woman.
A woman he is being sexual with so he stop the physical with you, as that would be "cheating" on her. 
I know there seems to be some unwritten rule that affairs are somehow cast in stone, (until the spouse finds out anyway) but affairs are relationships like any other and they often come to a natural end.

[Starswillshine]

4 minutes ago, EndlesslyLost said:

It makes me feel sick to think that maybe he isn’t who I thought or that maybe he is looking for something better.

Not something better. I think I heard it here, but maybe it was elsewhere if you were only allowed to eat steak every single day, and then a year later you are given the option to go out and eat anything, will you pick a steak house? Doesn't mean that steak isn't one of the best foods out there. 

[EndlesslyLost]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:
I know there seems to be some unwritten rule that affairs are somehow cast in stone, (until the spouse finds out anyway) but affairs are relationships like any other and they often come to a natural end.

Yes, I never really thought of this. 
Thank you! 

[EndlesslyLost]

9 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Not something better. I think I heard it here, but maybe it was elsewhere if you were only allowed to eat steak every single day, and then a year later you are given the option to go out and eat anything, will you pick a steak house? Doesn't mean that steak isn't one of the best foods out there. 

Makes sense, thank you! 

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, EndlesslyLost said:

Hi everyone, 

I’ve been reading so many threads the past few weeks trying to figure out my feelings and situation so wanted to share my story and would love to hear your thoughts. 

I met MM a year ago online, I was coming out of a 14 year mentally & emotionally abusive relationship, my partner had essentially walked out on our family for someone else. I was in a pretty fragile place and chatting to someone without the gaslighting was simply a lovely change. He appeared to be in a seemingly happy marriage aside from what he had said was sexless. He was straight up from the start and said he wasn’t interested in changing his relationship status which was fine as I was in no place for another mess. 

After a month of talking we decided to meet for a coffee, we have since met once a week for the past year aside from the odd few weeks here and there. We would message daily and I was cautious of his boundaries, I never mentioned his family or asked for anything more.  

He is very protective of his life, job, family, friends & has a lot to lose so I knew and accepted it was never going to be more than what it was. 

I also felt like we had a close friendship before anything else but I obviously thought of him often and wondered who he was a partner and father. 

Two weeks ago he came over for our usual catch up when he unexpectedly told me he couldn’t do it anymore as the guilt was too much. We were often physical but more often than not we would just lay in each others arms, talk and just be. 

I was pretty devastated when he told me how torn he was, he asked for time to figure it out and I let him go away and think about what he wanted. He messaged 4 days later telling me he couldn’t continue seeing me in this way it but would cherish a friendship between us. 

I accepted this, I can’t be angry or blame him and I told him how much I appreciated his honesty. We then organised for him to visit in two weeks, which was today.

I have been absolutely heartbroken the last few weeks and I don’t know why. I miss everything about him. I went no contact after our last messages saying we would remain friends. I couldn’t bring myself to email him. He messaged me a week later to confirm our catch up. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared seeing him would set me back but I agreed to meet. 

He has just left, he stayed for a couple of hours and we had a cup of tea and chat. He told me he felt guilty because of the longevity of our “friendship” and that we were getting too close & deep and it was crossing his line so to speak. He has mentioned he has cheated a couple times before with no remorse so I wasn’t sure why this was different for him. We both value our friendship and he has mentioned staying in touch a few times a week or even daily. Meeting up every few weeks to a month or so. 

We talked like we would usually talk, nothing had changed except for the physical and it’s just so bizarre. Although he did greet me with a kiss and long hug goodbye. 

It’s an easy, free, no drama connection, and the first time in years I felt seen, safe and valued when with him. I know that’s not  really the reality but it was in the moments I had with him and I felt at peace.

When he leaves I’ve always felt somewhat empty and confused and I can’t work out how I feel about this and him. 

I don’t know whether the friendship will be good for me or why he would even want this when he already has such a busy fulfilling life. 

He has been such a great support to me and I feel we genuinely care about each other but I miss not being able to touch him.

We talked what’s too much communication and he said he doesn’t have any sort of boundaries and if it gets too much we will talk about it.

I don’t want to get caught up in hope for something like we had. I don’t want to completely lose him but I can’t figure how this friendship thing works when everything feels the same. 

I should add that I’m also confused as to how I can do this when my partner up and disappeared on us for someone else. 

Thanks for reading!!

 

 

 

Girl I feel you big-time. My situation seems much like yours in that was in a semi abusive marriage that I was coming out of via separation when I reached out very innocently to an old friend from 30 years ago who lives 3000 miles away. It started out as messaging, moved to text and was constant. The connection was strong and then feelings and sexual stuff got involved via face-time. He has claimed I'm his best friend in life and has been back and forth in his head over leaving. He has no kids is in a roommate marriage with zero sex so he says and no emotional connection. I can't even begin to tell the hours I've spent on long phone calls with him in 13 months. We meet in person this May and some physical stuff happened. Fast forward to now. He has become pretty adamant that he cant leave for whatever reason but wants me as his best friend and feels lost without me in his life. Plenty of advice has been thrown at me to validate my thoughts on cake eater, walk away with dignity and focus on you. I am just as guilty for getting involved as he is. I did get strong and held strong for 4 days NC. I broke down only to find myself in the exact same place the offer of best friends. Apparently this is classic MM cheating behavior. Ask yourself a question or two. Why do you tolerate this? How can you work on you to gain the strength to walk away for good?  I hate to say this dear but this is going nowhere and you are being used. From the depths of my soul, I understand. xx 

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately, you left one unhealthy relationship only to find yourself another. 

I say this because you have become emotionally attached to an unavailable man. It’s easy to understand why this has happened, it clearly meets a need for you, but in the long term it’s not healthy for you. It’s going to inevitably (already has) cause you heartbreak because you have developed feelings for the man and he is otherwise obligated to another woman. 

5 hours ago, EndlesslyLost said:

He appeared to be in a seemingly happy marriage aside from what he had said was sexless. He was straight up from the start and said he wasn’t interested in changing his relationship status

It’s clearly not about sex if you spend much of your time holding each other and talking. If you believe he has a happy marriage and your relationship is meeting a need for him because his marriage is sexless, that is clearly not true. 

This man is a serial cheat. Which means we know two things - one, he has no respect for his wife and he is not the wonderful family man that you believe him to be. Devoted family men don’t have multiple extramarital relationships. And two, you are only one of many. This may be a special relationship to you and you may even be very special to him, but you are still one of many. And as such, you are at high risk of being hurt when you become emotionally dependent on this man and the relationship ends. 

If he is trying to end it, I would say - that is a gift to you! It doesn’t feel like it, but it is a gift! You would be better served to find yourself a counsellor or a new girlfriend than a MM. Best wishes.

Edited August 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

unless something drastic has happened in his life and suddenly he is Oh so guilty... I guess he is dumping you for a new woman.
A woman he is being sexual with so he stop the physical with you, as that would be "cheating" on her. 

If you haven’t already, you would be wise to get an STD test. 

Edited August 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I find your choice of wording a bit curious, OP. 

You refer to this several times as a "friendship." But that's not what this is, if you two are being secretive and have been sexually intimate. It's an affair. Are you trying to mimizine this, on some level? Or perhaps he is the one who refers to is a friendship? It's a bit strange. 

In any case, it's evident that he either feels guilty for cheating on his wife or "cheating" on some other OW. I woud guess it's the latter, given that he's a serial cheat and it's never bothered him before (he says) 

A friendship with him now is totally unrealistic and will only hurt you more. This guy is not your friend, and it will keep you terribly stuck in a very sad and lonely place. I would tell him that you cannot keep in touch anymore. You need to wash your hands of all of this. 

[stillafool]

Yes he's found another OW and wants to downgrade you to a friend except he really doesn't he just said that to soften the blow.  He wants variety and the minute he feels OW getting to serious about him he changes to someone new .  He's been doing this along time and pretty much has a system.  Be thankful he's letting you go so you can find a single man to date.

[notbroken]

He's hoping to let you down easy so you don't 'go ballistic' and tell his wife.  He is a liar and cheater - plain and simple.  He is not good for you and causes you pain.  It will hurt a bit, but absolutely stop seeing, communicating, or dealing with him in ANY way.  If you don't, it will just hurt more later.  Drop him.  Cold turkey.  Keep seeing your therapist.   Work on being good with yourself and eventually get with a man that is truly available and not a liar/cheater.  Not all men are like that.  You don't have to settle for such a bad guy (and he is). 

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, EndlesslyLost said:

Thank you.

I have been seeing a therapist at least every month for the past year although she doesn’t know about MM. It’s so ridiculous that I actually haven’t told anyone. 
I’m so sad but thankful in a way that he has got the guilts because I don’t think I would have been strong enough to end it. It was just so unexpected and to go from daily chat to nothing has been difficult. 
MM has been a welcome distraction; something to look forward to but I guess I should have been focusing on more healthier ways ways to cope. It just felt good to have someone who cared and I can’t help but compare him to my ex. I know they both cheat but at least it appears MM doesn’t want to destroy his family unlike my ex. 
 

Thanks for your thoughts! 

Yes! It is very hard to go from daily chat to zero I'm right there. I did create a thread in coping section its called 2021 no contact it was helping me. I did blow it and contact but I'm heading back to NC today. I liked writing down what I was feeling. xx 

[Luna66star]

The friendship, so to speak, won't feel much different for you I'm afraid.  You know each other too well. It sounds endearing to maintain the bond between you.  I believe it will only benefit him in the long run.  He can call you up when things get rough at home.  Do you think it's possible to turn him away in this case?  Especially if he pours on the pity play, knowing you care so much? How would you handle that situation as his "friend"?

Personally, I think he wants to keep you on the backburner to help him when the need arises. He will pop in and out, hoping you will keep the door ajar for him.

It's up to you regarding how to proceed.  I've been there.  I tell you it prevented me from moving on in a major way.  I didn't feel important to him at all. 

 

 

 

 

 

[NYAG]

On 8/18/2021 at 9:26 AM, EndlesslyLost said:

I’m not sure why it’s so difficult to end this when it has been an unhappy but happy friendship.
 
 

Because the attention is an addiction, and when you need something like that because other things in your life aren't providing it, it's hard to give up even when it's not satisfactory. It's like any addiction. There's a buzz - the hit - but the come down is always bad. Plus in the long term addiction doesn't solve anything. Just think of it like that, learn to rationalise it and you'll soon understand why. That's what I did. I never let these guys get under my skin anymore. They're not worth it.

[spiderowl]

On 8/18/2021 at 7:58 AM, EndlesslyLost said:

Hi everyone, 

I’ve been reading so many threads the past few weeks trying to figure out my feelings and situation so wanted to share my story and would love to hear your thoughts. 

I met MM a year ago online, I was coming out of a 14 year mentally & emotionally abusive relationship, my partner had essentially walked out on our family for someone else. I was in a pretty fragile place and chatting to someone without the gaslighting was simply a lovely change. He appeared to be in a seemingly happy marriage aside from what he had said was sexless. He was straight up from the start and said he wasn’t interested in changing his relationship status which was fine as I was in no place for another mess. 

After a month of talking we decided to meet for a coffee, we have since met once a week for the past year aside from the odd few weeks here and there. We would message daily and I was cautious of his boundaries, I never mentioned his family or asked for anything more.  

He is very protective of his life, job, family, friends & has a lot to lose so I knew and accepted it was never going to be more than what it was. 

I also felt like we had a close friendship before anything else but I obviously thought of him often and wondered who he was a partner and father. 

Two weeks ago he came over for our usual catch up when he unexpectedly told me he couldn’t do it anymore as the guilt was too much. We were often physical but more often than not we would just lay in each others arms, talk and just be. 

I was pretty devastated when he told me how torn he was, he asked for time to figure it out and I let him go away and think about what he wanted. He messaged 4 days later telling me he couldn’t continue seeing me in this way it but would cherish a friendship between us. 

I accepted this, I can’t be angry or blame him and I told him how much I appreciated his honesty. We then organised for him to visit in two weeks, which was today.

I have been absolutely heartbroken the last few weeks and I don’t know why. I miss everything about him. I went no contact after our last messages saying we would remain friends. I couldn’t bring myself to email him. He messaged me a week later to confirm our catch up. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared seeing him would set me back but I agreed to meet. 

He has just left, he stayed for a couple of hours and we had a cup of tea and chat. He told me he felt guilty because of the longevity of our “friendship” and that we were getting too close & deep and it was crossing his line so to speak. He has mentioned he has cheated a couple times before with no remorse so I wasn’t sure why this was different for him. We both value our friendship and he has mentioned staying in touch a few times a week or even daily. Meeting up every few weeks to a month or so. 

We talked like we would usually talk, nothing had changed except for the physical and it’s just so bizarre. Although he did greet me with a kiss and long hug goodbye. 

It’s an easy, free, no drama connection, and the first time in years I felt seen, safe and valued when with him. I know that’s not  really the reality but it was in the moments I had with him and I felt at peace.

When he leaves I’ve always felt somewhat empty and confused and I can’t work out how I feel about this and him. 

I don’t know whether the friendship will be good for me or why he would even want this when he already has such a busy fulfilling life. 

He has been such a great support to me and I feel we genuinely care about each other but I miss not being able to touch him.

We talked what’s too much communication and he said he doesn’t have any sort of boundaries and if it gets too much we will talk about it.

I don’t want to get caught up in hope for something like we had. I don’t want to completely lose him but I can’t figure how this friendship thing works when everything feels the same. 

I should add that I’m also confused as to how I can do this when my partner up and disappeared on us for someone else. 

Thanks for reading!!

 

 

 

I am sorry you are feeling so sad about this.  It seems you slipped into an affair without intending to.  You needed comfort and he was there.

I very much doubt that he was worried about crossing boundaries.  He has been crossing boundaries for some time now.  My suspicion is that he thought you were getting too emotionally involved with him and he didn't want to leave his wife so he thought he would stop things there.  No doubt you are feeling hurt because HE made this decision not you.  Even if you know you have no claims on someone, it still hurts when they make decisions for you.

I think you really need to wean yourself off this guy as quickly as you can.  He has shown he is not serious about a relationship.  He is probably hoping you will lose interest in him and his fears of you getting too attached and intruding on his marriage will be quieted.

You don't have to remain friends with him.  That would be very hard for you because you will always want more with him as long as you see him as this wonderful guy who was there for you when you needed him.  He has pulled the plug.  It hurts but don't let him have the pleasure of your company on an occasional basis, as and when he wants.  Why should you?  

This has been forced on you and you will go through a kind of withdrawal.  It is painful, no doubt about it, but hopefully you will come through this and see the relationship for what it was, temporary.  It is instinct to want more from our beloved partner/friend and normally a relationship progresses but this one was not going to progress because he was married.

You need to look after yourself now, maybe find a counsellor if you can afford it to help you through this loss.

 

[DKT3]

There is a reason why so many suggest staying clear of involvement immediately after ending long relationships. More often than not you go from the pan to the fire.  Most healthy well balanced people will avoid people coming out of long relationships, the baggage,  the resentment and so on. Now think about this guy, not only did he avoid you, he capitalized on your poor state of mind. Then after a year of doing so claimed to be guilty. 

 

Nope. Did you guys in anyway discuss future plans or exchange talks of feelings? I ask because I suspect he is putting you back in your box.  Lower your expectations or condition you to not express anything.  I would also bet he has a active sex life at home.

Lastly,  I believe his words were clear,  I dont think you need clarity,  I think you want a different answer. 

[EndlesslyLost]

12 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Nope. Did you guys in anyway discuss future plans or exchange talks of feelings? 

We never once discussed future plans or feelings and I never questioned him about his family or put any sort of pressure on him. If anything, I think I was more detached? from our meetings and the messaging back and forth than he was…to protect myself to some degree.

I have seen him since I originally posted and it was like nothing had changed aside from the obvious non contact.

He explained through email why he couldn’t continue which in his words were,

“The guilt thing is simple because in any past relationship I’ve had, it has been considerably briefer, or far less structured - hard to imagine I know!

This was the first time things lasted a considerable amount of time, and I guess it just became more of a concern that I felt a genuine friendship and bond with you, and the potential for me developing feelings became worrying in the context of a relationship that was never meant to be more than some simple fun. 

The guilt grew and became intolerable. In the past, cheating was fun. Probably because it was episodic and transient - this was not”

He mentioned he wanted to stay in contact a few times a week and catch up every few weeks to a month or so. I feel like that’s too much and if the friendship is the problem why continue it?
We have messaged a couple of times and he has mentioned how much he respects me, our friendship and has said that I’m valuable to him and that I’m worth an awful lot more than I know.

What am I supposed to do with that? Lol

Anyway, I’ve been trying focusing on me and things I need & want to accomplish. I feel like a small weight has been lifted in the sense that I’m free from being involved in something I knew would not be good for me in the long run. He has essentially done me a favour although I do miss him and the escape that he provided me.

Thanks for you reply!
 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, EndlesslyLost said:

What am I supposed to do with that?

You run from any man who says “In the past, cheating has been fun…” 

Glad to hear that he is in your rear view mirror. Best wishes. 

[EndlesslyLost]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You run from any man who says “In the past, cheating has been fun…” 

Glad to hear that he is in your rear view mirror. Best wishes. 

Your response made me smile. I’m definitely trying! 
Thank you & best wishes to you!