Is he projecting what he's doing behind my back on me or is he extremely insecure

[AkiptHio]

 

Met a guy at a bar in the middle of July. I instantly pursued him. Asked him for his number and everything.  The very first date he said he was ugly but i told him he want and didn’t pay it any mind. After a few dates i noticed he would say things that was weird to me. 

Like he would say “i know you don’t really want to be with me you probably have other boyfriends”
Or “you have hoes “ just to name a few things 

Two days ago he said “why didn’t you answer when i called if you’re talking to other guys just say it”

This morning while on FaceTime he said “i know you mess with other guys because you’re real cute and you’re just down to earth i don’t know why you want me “

why is he talking down on himself when I’m truly not messing with other men

[salparadise]

Sounds like to me that he's had too many rejections and bad experiences with women and doesn't believe he's lovable. You could change that with patience and consistency. It's like when a child grows up being criticized and devalued- they internalize it and lose their confidence (among other things). Maybe you need to have a talk and tell him you think he's wonderful and to please try and quit making the self-depreciating comments.

[AkiptHio]

21 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Sounds like to me that he's had too many rejections and bad experiences with women and doesn't believe he's lovable. You could change that with patience and consistency. It's like when a child grows up being criticized and devalued- they internalize it and lose their confidence (among other things). Maybe you need to have a talk and tell him you think he's wonderful and to please try and quit making the self-depreciating comments.

I asked for his number and asked him out so you’d think he knew i wanted more 

[glows]

He sounds like a serious headcase. OP, please use your better judgment here and kick this guy to the curb. Fishing for compliments is unattractive and needy and his comments suggest he's controlling and manipulative. This is not a person with low self-esteem. He's a manipulator and an abuser. On one hand he compliments you that you are cute and in the same breath he accuses you of messing with other guys. 

Don't waste a second on any of this.

 

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, AkiptHio said:

I asked for his number and asked him out so you’d think he knew i wanted more 

That's a logical assumption I suppose, only problem is that his insecurities are probably deeply seated based on a lot of painful experiences and can't be reversed by one rational realization. He's not likely to think about it that way. He's bracing himself for more pain if he opens his heart and gives you the power to hurt him.

I can't say if he's a lost cause or if you can succeed in turning it around, but if you do it will take time, patience and consistency. It would be wonderful if you do manage to convince him that he's lovable. @glows isn't taking into account that you really like him, or that he's probably a sensitive, feeling person who has had a rough go of it in dating and relationships. There is no basis to call him an abuser/manipulator. You can be compassionate if you choose. It's not always as transactional as some try to make it out to be. 

 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, salparadise said:

That's a logical assumption I suppose, only problem is that his insecurities are probably deeply seated based on a lot of painful experiences and can't be reversed by one rational realization. He's not likely to think about it that way. He's bracing himself for more pain if he opens his heart and gives you the power to hurt him.

I can't say if he's a lost cause or if you can succeed in turning it around, but if you do it will take time, patience and consistency. It would be wonderful if you do manage to convince him that he's lovable. @glows isn't taking into account that you really like him, or that he's probably a sensitive, feeling person who has had a rough go of it in dating and relationships. There is no basis to call him an abuser/manipulator. You can be compassionate if you choose. It's not always as transactional as some try to make it out to be. 

 

I disagree and I do not appreciate you putting words in my mouth. If you have an opinion, leave mine out of it.

OP, you can choose whether you want to stick around with someone who keeps second guessing your intentions or fishing for assurances so  early on. At this early stage, you both should be having fun together and engaged in what the other has to say not wondering about left field comments that are inappropriate.

[salparadise]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I do not appreciate you putting words in my mouth. If you have an opinion, leave mine out of it.

You said exactly those words. Go back and read your own post. You can't prohibit anyone from responding/disagreeing with your opinions––you responded directly to mine, and I responded to yours. Where did this crazy notion of power and superiority over others come from?

OP, be selective about the advice you listen to.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, salparadise said:

You said exactly those words. Go back and read your own post. You can't prohibit anyone from responding/disagreeing with your opinions––you responded directly to mine, and I responded to yours. Where did this crazy notion of power and superiority over others come from?

OP, be selective about the advice you listen to.

Equally, there is no basis to assuming he's a "sensitive, feeling person who has had a rough go of it". I think you stated your opinion above and expected everyone else to respond accordingly or similarly. It's odd that you bring up power and superiority and insist on a need to be right on the assumption that this person is who or what you assume he is. 

[JRabbit]

Red flags…. Big ones.  Hugely insecure or definitely not loyal themselves. Only reason people act that way.  Run

[LynneVicious]

Agree with glows and jrabbit. No matter what his reasons are for acting that way, it’s unattractive. Period. Don’t take on a ‘project’ when dating. 

[basil67]

I would say that he's very insecure.   If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure that I could continue with him (especially after he accused you of cheating).  But if I did, the next time he does this, I would reply by telling him that I am fond of him and want to give him a chance, but only if he stops this behaviour stops immediately.  

[Miss Spider]

Agree with glows he sounds like an insecure basket case. I can’t say whether he’s cheating, but  believe it or not, people like that are more prone to it since because of their high insecurities or doubt of their attractiveness they can be tempted by validation from the opposite sex 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, AkiptHio said:

I asked for his number and asked him out so you’d think he knew i wanted more 

Unfortunately he seems like too much work to bother dating.

He seems to just be fishing for compliments and ego boosts left and right.

Not sure why you would pursue someone this self-absorbed.

[smackie9]

he's got very low self esteem. People like that depend on reassurance from others to feel better. He's got some issues that complements can't fix. Run for the hills.