Am I Asking for Too Much?

[LynneVicious]

8 hours ago, clia said:

Your relationship sounds completely unhealthy.  You don't trust her at all.  That you feel you have to go to such lengths -- telling her who she can talk to or hang around with, telling her she has to block people, telling her she has to change her phone number, going through her call logs, logging in to her account to snoop on her, and calling these guys to tell them not to call her.  Just stop it.  This is embarrassing for both of you, and the fact that she ignores it should tell you that she thinks you have no right to tell her what she can do and she's going to do what she wants anyway.

Why don't you just date a woman who you trust?

Nailed it 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Beast26 said:

Well she actually go through my phone sometimes and I let her.  

Policing each other's phones is not dating. 

[vwisme]

With all due respect, no matter how you slice it - this relationship is unhealthy and all parties involved are unhealthy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Your mistake was entering and remaining in a relaitonship with a woman you do not trust, and never have. 

That's on you, and you trying to enforce it the way you have is monumentally inappropriate and controlling. Just freakin' break up with her. 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Daisydooks]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Your mistake was entering and remaining in a relaitonship with a woman you do not trust, and never have. 

That's on you, and you trying to enforce it the way you have is monumentally inappropriate and controlling. Just freakin' break up with her. 

 

The fact that he also wants her to check his phone because it shows him she cares is also friggin wayyyy toxic. She has blind trust in him and has no desire to search his phone. That upsets him greatly and he got upset she wasnt controlling like he is. This is all around whacky and toxic 

[Herkamer]

I'll have a go at this, but, d@mn, there's more information on your end that needs filled in. However, I'll try to be as objective as what I can be and try to see this from both perspectives.

 

The guy friends I understand completely because there are MANY men in relationships with a woman, and what the gfs will do is while they're with their bfs is see other guys on the side without the knowledge of the guys they say they are in a relationship with. This isn't to say that bfs don't do this to their gfs, but it seems to be happening far more with women doing this kind of behavior rather than men, like what much of society wants us to believe. All guys want is if they're chosen by these women to be their bfs, then loyalty has to be shown on them only. Same thing with guys asking these women out, if they want these females to be their gfs then they have to show loyalty only to them.. In the end if both parties want it to lead up to something greater than a bf/gf relationship, ie marriage, then they can't be screwing around with other people of the opposite sex or those that may prefer the same sex. So you have every right to be a little cynical about that. Just remember, though, don't have a bunch of females as friends if you're looking to make the relationship work.

 

Now the issue with the female friend, I guess there simply isn't enough information to give a good answer, but I'll take a crack at it because there's a few different ways to look at it Please don't take any offense to what I'm going to say because this is only meant to help, not belittle nor judge you, and I'll make sure to give you a fair shake as well:

1. Women bffs, whether if they're straight or lesbian (at least one or the other) will ALWAYS tell and express to each other EVERYTHING. Yes, it's annoying, and, yes, you'll feel left out. I don't like it anymore than you do. However, that's how they are, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon with female bffs. But, on the flip side, she should be talking to you about these more intimate things as well, assuming it's a serious relationship. So I understand that, but just accept that the bff types are going to do these things.

2. Ever considered that, maybe, your gf might be bi? Now, in terms to that kind of stuff, I think the lifestyle is wrong (same with similar types), but, probably, in her mind, she's conflicted. She might think that she has the same feelings towards the female friend as she does you. If she does, then you may want to talk to her about it and make a decision to end the relationship. I know what I would choose if that were the case, but I won't tell which way to go because that's between you two and it might only a thing. You won't know unless you ask.

3. Maybe your gf is actually a lesbian herself. According to what you said, she's hiding who's been calling and the one person that keeps coming up is the female friend who might actually be a lesbian herself. If that's the case, the only reason then why she's with you, she's using you for your resources, and in which case, leave her. Don't try to take her back and don't try to change her mind. Don't try to appeal to her in any way. Drop her entirely and don't look back. I don't know how much I can stress.

 

I don't know what else I can tell you to help you out and get you to understand what could be because there's just simply not enough information to say one way or another. Maybe you are and I'm misunderstanding, but this almost makes you out to be the bad guy and trying to make you out as being too controlling. I'll give you, however, the benefit of the doubt and say you're not. And you may just be frustrated as can be after the woman that chose you doesn't treat you as the bf, but rather as just a friend or some thing. You're not alone in this because there are many other men out there that feel as if they are treated worse than criminals, unless if they're a Chad (they're worshiped as gods). Now, if she IS screwing around with another person in a "playful" way, then leave. If she's going after you for talking to another woman while she's talking to other guys, leave. Just pay attention to what she does and/or says , if you're planning to see this through.

 

If it were me, I'd leave because, in my mind, I'm not number one in terms of intimacy. Again, not so much about the whole thing with the female friend but rather her talking to other guys too playfully. People can call it jealousy, but based on what I've seen and have heard from other guys who had, and based on the information that comes out of research news articles and even women's articles advocating for cheating on their bfs, I hate to say this but, I wouldn't trust much coming out of a bunch women's mouths when it comes to them talking playfully with other men. There's one too many of them out there that DO have multiple partners that these guys are not aware of, so no thanks. The decision, however, is up to you on what you want to do, but take everything said in this response into consideration.

[Miss Spider]

She’s going through your phone because cheaters think everyone’s doing what they are lol

[Beast26]

Well in the beginning it was the constant calling of the dude friends and I had her change her number.  Besides the one incident where she got a call from an old friend on our way home (we were driving separately from work) and talked to him almost the whole way there, there hasn't been another incident with the phone calls since.  Of course after the number was changed.  There were a couple times where the guys showed up randomly to her house wondering what has been going on with her and stuff since her number changed.  But that part wasn't really her fault as that means she really haven't been talking to the guys since then.  But I haven't had problems with any guys since her number changed and pretty much letting those few guys that were stopping by know that they are no longer welcome to stop by her house.  You can call that part controlling all you want but if the shoe was on the other foot and I had a bunch of chicks trying to stop by she would be well within her right to run them off because that type of thing is just not appropriate for a relationship.  They weren't necessarily going in or anything she is always in her yard in her spare time gardening or doing yard work and these people knew that.  So they were driving by looking to see if she was outside.  But the guy problem has been gone for quite a while as I think word has gotten around enough that she is with me and I don't play that guy friend stuff.  

 

I outlined the lesbian bff stuff so much not because I hate lesbians of course not.   It is because I didn't feel comfortable with her coming around again.  Again, I believe my gf when she said they stopped messing around years ago although she would never be specific about when they stopped which is the whole reason why I don't trust that situation.  Like I said before my gf stated that she cut off the sexual stuff years ago when the bff proclaimed her love for her.  She said she was just in it for the fun and she isn't into girls on that level.  But I do believe that she has been faithful during the relationship she just had serious problems with boundaries in the beginning.  I laid out pretty much all of our problems in this post but left out all the good for the sake of time.  But she is amazingly thoughtful, giving, and all of the stuff you could ask for in a gf and much more!  I've never been catered to this much by a woman before until now.  Just the stuff from the past I guess that needed to be ironed out first??  

 

 

 

 

 

[vwisme]

You ever been in a luxury car? It's actually pretty great. Ever driven one? Quite enjoyable (depending on the car). But you know, if it didn't have an engine or you know...a steering wheel or a myriad of other things - it's not going anywhere. 

All the great stuff she/you may say/do is all fine and dandy but that doesn't remove the lack of boundaries, trust, controlling behavior, and other red flags present - from what you've told us. 

Unless we're missing something or misunderstood you, you're lying to yourself. To each his own but I would run from any relationship that resembled this. 

Edited August 20, 2021 by vwisme
clarification

[glows]

29 minutes ago, Beast26 said:

Well in the beginning it was the constant calling of the dude friends and I had her change her number.  Besides the one incident where she got a call from an old friend on our way home (we were driving separately from work) and talked to him almost the whole way there, there hasn't been another incident with the phone calls since.  Of course after the number was changed.  There were a couple times where the guys showed up randomly to her house wondering what has been going on with her and stuff since her number changed.  But that part wasn't really her fault as that means she really haven't been talking to the guys since then.  But I haven't had problems with any guys since her number changed and pretty much letting those few guys that were stopping by know that they are no longer welcome to stop by her house.  You can call that part controlling all you want but if the shoe was on the other foot and I had a bunch of chicks trying to stop by she would be well within her right to run them off because that type of thing is just not appropriate for a relationship.  They weren't necessarily going in or anything she is always in her yard in her spare time gardening or doing yard work and these people knew that.  So they were driving by looking to see if she was outside.  But the guy problem has been gone for quite a while as I think word has gotten around enough that she is with me and I don't play that guy friend stuff.  

 

I outlined the lesbian bff stuff so much not because I hate lesbians of course not.   It is because I didn't feel comfortable with her coming around again.  Again, I believe my gf when she said they stopped messing around years ago although she would never be specific about when they stopped which is the whole reason why I don't trust that situation.  Like I said before my gf stated that she cut off the sexual stuff years ago when the bff proclaimed her love for her.  She said she was just in it for the fun and she isn't into girls on that level.  But I do believe that she has been faithful during the relationship she just had serious problems with boundaries in the beginning.  I laid out pretty much all of our problems in this post but left out all the good for the sake of time.  But she is amazingly thoughtful, giving, and all of the stuff you could ask for in a gf and much more!  I've never been catered to this much by a woman before until now.  Just the stuff from the past I guess that needed to be ironed out first??  

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately once someone gives the impression they are untrustworthy early on and continues (for a period of time) to act in ways that are less than or not up to par in what we want in a partner, you’re not compatible any longer. You keep pushing for trust and respect that you just don’t feel. You also run the risk and already have been controlling trying to change the situation more to your liking. 

Either way she’s done with this relationship so consider it over. You’re prolonging your misery and own confusion. Move forwards.

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, Beast26 said:

There were a couple times where the guys showed up randomly to her house wondering what has been going on with her and stuff since her number changed.  But that part wasn't really her fault as that means she really haven't been talking to the guys since then.  But I haven't had problems with any guys since her number changed and pretty much letting those few guys that were stopping by know that they are no longer welcome to stop by her house.  You can call that part controlling all you want but if the shoe was on the other foot and I had a bunch of chicks trying to stop by she would be well within her right to run them off because that type of thing is just not appropriate for a relationship

This situation sounds eerily familiar but I won't elaborate on that, I will focus on the here and now "Beast26."

With respect to the bolded, you are correct that behavior is not appropriate for a relationship. 100% spot on!

However what you fail to understand is that it's NOT your place, nor her place (if roles were reversed), to be monitoring her and running off former flames/boyfriend /girlfriends.

That is HER job.  She is a grown ass woman for cripes sake, not a child who needs your protection from the 'big bad wolves,' you are NOT her parent.

Is that what you believe relationships are about?  You behaving like a parent, dictating who she can and cannot talk to, associate with, spend time with and "running off" your competition? 

Lord have mercy if it is, that is simp/white knight behavior and completely f*cked up.

I don't even know what to say because your frame is so completely twisted, I don't think there is anything anyone can say that would change your frame about this.

Your views on your role and a girlfriend's role within the context of an exclusive committed relationship are deeply ingrained and not about to change anytime soon. 

Nevertheless, I'd be remiss if I didn't say this is classic co-dependency and completely dysfunctional.

That said, I'm glad you find her to be such an "amazing" girlfriend who "caters" to you, she sounds like a real prize! 

Good luck!

 

 

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[vla1120]

I'm just going to put this out there - if you're in a relationship with someone and have asked them to change their phone number a second time to keep them from getting pursued, this is not the person for you. Also, it's on her to set the boundaries with "partners" from her past, regardless of the nature of their relationship. If she's not setting these boundaries willingly, again, this is not the person for you. Clearly, this relationship is not going to work. Cut your losses and run.

NOW, are you this controlling in every relationship - checking phone records, demanding people be blocked? Because I wouldn't change my phone number that I've had for almost two decades for anyone and if you don't trust me enough to conduct my business without being questioned on every contact and demanding I block everyone of the opposite sex, you'd get kicked to the curb pretty quickly. 

 

[Herkamer]

32 minutes ago, Beast26 said:

Well in the beginning it was the constant calling of the dude friends and I had her change her number.  Besides the one incident where she got a call from an old friend on our way home (we were driving separately from work) and talked to him almost the whole way there, there hasn't been another incident with the phone calls since.  Of course after the number was changed.  There were a couple times where the guys showed up randomly to her house wondering what has been going on with her and stuff since her number changed.  But that part wasn't really her fault as that means she really haven't been talking to the guys since then.  But I haven't had problems with any guys since her number changed and pretty much letting those few guys that were stopping by know that they are no longer welcome to stop by her house.  You can call that part controlling all you want but if the shoe was on the other foot and I had a bunch of chicks trying to stop by she would be well within her right to run them off because that type of thing is just not appropriate for a relationship.  They weren't necessarily going in or anything she is always in her yard in her spare time gardening or doing yard work and these people knew that.  So they were driving by looking to see if she was outside.  But the guy problem has been gone for quite a while as I think word has gotten around enough that she is with me and I don't play that guy friend stuff.  

 

I outlined the lesbian bff stuff so much not because I hate lesbians of course not.   It is because I didn't feel comfortable with her coming around again.  Again, I believe my gf when she said they stopped messing around years ago although she would never be specific about when they stopped which is the whole reason why I don't trust that situation.  Like I said before my gf stated that she cut off the sexual stuff years ago when the bff proclaimed her love for her.  She said she was just in it for the fun and she isn't into girls on that level.  But I do believe that she has been faithful during the relationship she just had serious problems with boundaries in the beginning.  I laid out pretty much all of our problems in this post but left out all the good for the sake of time.  But she is amazingly thoughtful, giving, and all of the stuff you could ask for in a gf and much more!  I've never been catered to this much by a woman before until now.  Just the stuff from the past I guess that needed to be ironed out first??  

 

 

 

 

 

In any case, just be careful. I hope everything does work out in the end. But let me give some potential warning signs to look out for, just in case. They may be nothing burgers, but let these serve as precautions:

-She brings up old boyfriends/ex-fiance(s) in conversations constantly

-Her being flirtatious with other guys more than you at gatherings/public spaces/etc. (and don't buy her explanation of "livening up the place", either)

-She gets mad at you for even speaking to another woman

-Her becoming a little too handsy with her bff or a guy friend (and less with you)

-She talks about a particular guy(s) a lot that you both know

-Her being less and less engaged and unwilling to do things with you

A couple of other things to look out for (whether or not she has them already) are her getting (more) tattoos, piercings in other places that are in different areas of the body (or even more in the ear), and multi colored hair (not like normal color hair, but blues, pinks, purples, greens, that stuff). Those are usually indicators of impulsiveness, so tread carefully there. The other stuff, though, if she does ANY of that, don't think twice about it: LEAVE HER. Call me cynical, but I've seen guys get burned by their gfs because of this crap.

 

I was one of them, especially with the first one listed because it meant that she never got over the one guy she had relations with before. Long story short, the guy had a major impact on her (more negative than positive), but, despite the really bad things that happened (and she complained about), it was as if she, in her mind, wrote that off and practically sung praises about him. Only reason they called it off, she was mad about the negatives, but, probably, thought that if she gave it enough time, she would get back together with him. That was 5+ years ago. She and I started dating, but she called it off. Based on speculation and what I know now, it was because the guy's passing. Found out FROM HER, the last day we went out, that she was still in contact with him and his wife. She ghosted me for over 2 weeks after that and ended our relationship a day after I got back from vacation. Made a mistake of buying gifts for her and her 12 year old dog. You can say she gave me, in return, a bit of a broken heart. Ended up giving the stuff away to both friends of mine and my parents. So take my mistakes into account and don't make the same ones I made. Again, I REALLY do hope that everything, in the end, works out, but stay on the look out.