Am I Asking for Too Much?

[Beast26]

 

So I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 years and we're just messing around for 1 year before that.  Fast forward she had a lot of guy friends before me of course some she messed around with and known for a very long time.  She also got a female friend she has known for half her life and before we were in a relationship when we had no expectations, she told me her female friend was probably a lesbian because she never seen her date a guy.  Also the friend would call her over to "play" and that went on for some time until the female friend fell in love with her and my girlfriend told her she is not into girls that way she just was having fun and doesn't want to actually date her.  So my girlfriend told me she put a stop to them messing around but they were still hanging out on occasions (before our relationship) and a little during the beginning stages of our relationship.  

 

She loves being in her yard and all her long time friends know this especially the "thirsty dudes" that are looking for their way back in her life.  They used to constantly try to call her and text and for a while she would text back and talk to them on the phone.  In the beginning of the relationship when we became official, I put a stop to the guys calling and texting her.  I sent them messages and called some of them with her phone and told them to leave her alone she ain't single no more.  I told her to block all their numbers and she did.  There were a few occasions where they attempted to call her and left a voicemail and she actually called them back!  I checked her call log and saw it and gave her an ultimatum to change her number or lose me.  She changed her number.  She had the same number all her life so every dude that ever got her phone number would attempt to make contact and this was about to end the relationship.  It actually took me a long time to think about how to handle the female best friend situation because they have been friends for so long but being that they were messing around as well I was too uncomfortable with the situation.  I told her to block her as well because I definitely know that females can be even more thirsty than dudes when it comes to trying to get with a girl.  Also being that the girl was madly in love with my girlfriend I didn't want her around anymore.

 

She has a habit of hiding things from me at times like there was a time where she told a male coworker to come to her house and drop off some stuff for her yard which I would have happily done for her!  But she told him to do it and he was one of the guys that were blocked in her phone but she unblocked it to call him and tell him to do that while I was at work.  She deleted it from her phone but I saw it on her phone bill.  I have her login info so I confronted her about it.  Said she wouldn't do it again as I made a huge deal over it.

 

So the other day I looked through her phone contacts and while she already had like 4 other people in her phone with the same name as the female best friend, I still remembered the female best friend's number and there it was ONCE AGAIN and it was blocked.  So I confronted her about it and made a huge deal and told her to get out of my house(we always stay together even though she has her house and I got my apartment) after she tried to avoid talking about it.  Basically I was furious asking why her number was in her phone once again.  She said she stopped by the other day and asked for her new number and she just gave it to her.  Said she didn't tell me about it because she knew I would get mad.  I would have been mad, but honesty means the world to me and the fact that I always have to catch her doing something for her to admit to it bothers my soul!  But she pretty much promised none of those people INCLUDING her female best friend would get her number again.  Quick fact: BEFORE our relationship she told me her and her female best friend were going to live together after they retire.  

 

So after i confronted her about the situation I call the female best friend with her phone and told her to stop contacting and stopping by my girlfriend's house.  Then here comes the real problem.  After I hung up I told my girlfriend to call her herself and tell her that she need to stop coming around and calling her.  Basically me telling the girl in my opinion means nothing unless she actually hear it from my girlfriends mouth basically backing me up.  My girlfriend claims that she was never going to communicate with her but I don't believe it based on the number blocking situation we had before that I explained earlier in this post.  So I gave her an ultimatum to call her and let her know to stop trying to make contact with her or pack up and leave.  She chose to pack up and leave telling me that since I already called and told her that there was no need for her to call and tell her the same thing!  I disagreed and took her home.  We havent talked in over 24 hrs because for some reason im always the one that has to make first contact after an argument.  

 

All I wanted was for her to call and tell the best friend that she cannot come around or call anymore and she couldn't do that for me. 

 

I never explained my girlfriend's nature outside of this but she loves to cook and clean and always doing things for me and she is the greatest in the world outside of all of this stuff.  But I told her once before that out of all the good she does these kind of things outweigh it as you may be able to forgive but you can never forget!  So as of now we are not together and I may contact her today. 

 

I just want to know am I wrong for wanting her to make the call and tell the female friend who she used to mess around with that she need to stop contacting her?  Is that too much to ask?  Or do you think I should overlook this?  All I wanted was for her to say no to giving the girl her number out of respect for our relationship because she knew I would be angry about it.  Should I take her back even if she refuse to make the call or even put it in a text to the best friend?  

 

Either way if we get back together her number is changing again.  When a blocked person call you, you can still see that they attempted to call, and they can still leave a voicemail for you to listen to.  Which is why blocking the number means nothing to me because last time she kept calling the people back that she blocked.

[Alpacalia]

I don't think you're necessarily wrong but this is what you signed up for initially. 

Does she have any other female friends?

 

[d0nnivain]

Your GF has always had boundary problems.   You have endeavored to enforce what you feel are appropriate boundaries on her.  Holding somebody else to your standards which are different from their standards never works.  You have to meet people where they are, not where you want them to be.   

You can rail all you want & decry her (poor) choices but the fact remains that is who she is.  You can't make her change just because you want her to.  Even though they have a prior sexual history, it is unreasonable for you to demand that your GF give up her best friend.  The best friend pre-dates you & will probably outlast you.  

I get that you don't like it.  I understand why you don't like the on-going relationship.  I wouldn't like it either but the fact remains that this is who your GF is.  If you have fundamental objections to her basic character, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.  You can't make her change.  All you can do is accept her or walk away but you can't demand change.  

[glows]

Why do you bother with this? You have a choice what kind of life you want to live. 

Stop with the control and aggression already. Don't contact her if you don't get along with her. She should end the relationship for good. She doesn't sound happy at all with you and if she wants to keep those people as friends, that's her prerogative. You certainly do not get to call up anyone's friends or contacts and tell them not to contact your partner. 

Boundaries here are crossed by both of you and this is completely dysfunctional. Stop and reflect for awhile and figure out what you want in a partner. 

[Beast26]

She have other female friends but not that close.  We actually get along great but I just outlined pretty much the only problems that we have in the relationship.  Didn't mean to make it sound like we don't get along.  But these are all the issues that we have.  She has changed a lot and as far as all the guy friends she has cut them off.  She has been mostly single and the boyfriend before her put up with all of it.  She's a great girlfriend outside of all of this which is why I'm bothering trying to get other people's opinions because I don't talk to parents or friends about my relationship.  

 

I kinda just wanted her to speak up and say it wouldn't be best for them to talk and hang out because it made me uncomfortable.  My girlfriend said she exchanged numbers and had no intentions of talking to her.  I just feel like the best friend is still clinging on to hope that they can get back to whatever they were doing before she met me.  People that are in love with you don't want to just be friends she is just waiting for an opportunity.

[d0nnivain]

Have you met the BFF / EX same sex lover?  Are you making assumptions?  Perhaps if you hang out with your GF & her BFF & the friend sees you together it will be what she needs to back off.  

[mark clemson]

You can set or attempt to set whatever boundaries you like as a partner. Generally, it's best to keep them "reasonable" - but there's significant range in that, as people vary quite a bit. More than you might think. At any rate, if your partner can't or won't accept them, then you're probably ultimately incompatible.

Generally I myself subscribe to the idea that friends are ok, but I (and my wife) should have the power to nix specific friends who either of us feel threaten the relationship. The fact that you've had to do so much of this is the red flag here, though.

Edited August 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[Beast26]

I haven't met her but I'm the type of person that find it awkward interacting with a previous sex partner of a girlfriend.  I'd rather not meet her.  

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Beast26 said:

I haven't met her but I'm the type of person that find it awkward interacting with a previous sex partner of a girlfriend.  I'd rather not meet her.  

I think you need to meet her to assess the parameters of their present relationship for yourself & to stake your claim, if you will.  IMO it's the most effective way to make her back off.  It should also calm your fears because right now your imagination is getting the better of you. If you meet the BFF & get a better sense of the relationship between this woman & your GF you will have more info about how to make a decision concerning the relationship.  She might not be a threat at all.  

[Beast26]

I feel so threatened because she used to express her feelings to her friend way more than me.  She told me she hugged her and cried about things at work that was going on.  She's never done that crying to me about problems.  I just think they are way too close for comfort to consider a meeting and possibly spark them up to want to see more of each other while I'm at work

[clia]

Your relationship sounds completely unhealthy.  You don't trust her at all.  That you feel you have to go to such lengths -- telling her who she can talk to or hang around with, telling her she has to block people, telling her she has to change her phone number, going through her call logs, logging in to her account to snoop on her, and calling these guys to tell them not to call her.  Just stop it.  This is embarrassing for both of you, and the fact that she ignores it should tell you that she thinks you have no right to tell her what she can do and she's going to do what she wants anyway.

Why don't you just date a woman who you trust?

[d0nnivain]

They can meet whether or not you know about it.  Paranoia is not attractive.  If you suggest a meeting with this BFF the nest case scenario is your GF declines because they are no longer as close as you fear & there is no desire on your GFs part to see this woman.  

You have known your GF for 3 years.  Don't you think it's odd that after all this time you never met the woman your GF calls best friend?  

It's not uncommon for women to turn to each other for comfort & cry on each other's shoulders.   The fact that your GF  cried on her BFFs shoulders but not yours in the beginning is not that terrible.  Sometimes women are more supportive of each other then the men in their lives.  I love my husband but there are things I prefer to share with my female friends.  

[glows]

43 minutes ago, Beast26 said:

I feel so threatened because she used to express her feelings to her friend way more than me.  She told me she hugged her and cried about things at work that was going on.  She's never done that crying to me about problems.  I just think they are way too close for comfort to consider a meeting and possibly spark them up to want to see more of each other while I'm at work

She can't open up to you because you are so busy shooting down everything you don't like about her, primarily her exes and friends. You're the person she likely adores but despises because of your insecurity and control issues, needing to know about her ongoings and who she has in her life or what the meaning is behind a certain friendship. I think there's some modicum of respect that we can always afford to our partners in a committed relationship. You both don't have that respect for each other. Her life was scattered and all over the place with loose ends untied willy nilly and you could have called up everyone you liked and it still wouldn't be enough. The problem is that she just doesn't get it, not from the start and likely not now. You still want her to be someone she's not and you're wasting your precious breath doing it. When will you step away from projects like these?

[vwisme]

I think there's a bigger issue at play here and forgive me if it seems like I'm just disregarding your question. I believe that sometimes we're focusing on the branches when the roots are the issue. 

If you have any free time, I would take yourself out to a dinner that you like. If you drink, drink. Maybe a massage. Idk. Whatever will make you feel comfortable and be an act of love towards yourself. Then take time to ask yourself some of the following question.

- Why are you allowing yourself (and pursuing) a relationship with someone who's actions devalue you? 

- Why are you staying in a relationship where you don't trust your partner? 

- Why are you pursuing someone who doesn't actively look to help soothe your anxiety but rather does things to egg it on? 

- Do you love yourself enough to believe you deserve a loving, safe, trustworthy, and drama free zone? 

- Am I (you) ready for a healthy relationship? And if not, what do I need to do to get there? Therapy? Books? Etc. 

Answer those questions and you'll know the right thing to say/do. Not just in this relationship but all moving forward.

P.S. - You're not asking for too much. You're asking the wrong person. And with all due respect, given some of the things you've said, it sounds you may need to take a step back and get into a healthy place and find out what a healthy relationship is. 

Edited August 17, 2021 by vwisme

[Beast26]

Idk I guess because she has come such a long way from how she used to be before we became exclusive.  I trust her to a certain extent but I don't trust the woman and not interested in making friends with her at all.  If I was in love with someone and they turned me down and remained friends with me those feelings don't just go away.  We are selfish when it comes to love and you will always have that hope that they start feeling the same way about you.  

I'm appreciating your responses our differences in opinions are helping me see some things that I didn't see before.  I am actually taking this all in.  

[glows]

You free yourself to make friends and find love in other spaces with other people. Don't keep circling in the same stale pond. Branch out, leap out and explore. Move past this relationship and find someone more compatible with you.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Beast26 said:

I put a stop to the guys calling and texting her.  I sent them messages and called some of them with her phone and told them to leave her alone she ain't single no more.  I told her to block all their numbers and she did.

So the other day I looked through her phone contacts and while she already had like 4 other people in her phone with the same name as the female best frien

With respect, you seem controlling possessive and borderline abusive.

Who are you to go through her phone? Or confiscate her phone and text her friends telling them "she ain't single"?

May be she's bisexual who knows, but you need to end it.

Get a grip on your insecurities and lack of appropriate boundaries.

[Beast26]

Well she actually go through my phone sometimes and I let her.  I see it as reassuring sometimes but I actually like that she does it sometimes.  It bothered me before we became exclusive that she didn't care about what I may or may not have had going on because she was so busy still seeing a guy(again before we became a couple but were still seeing one another).  She used to say I'm not worried about what you got going on and that actually bothered me.  Her going through my phone which she does sometimes to be funny now, atleast makes me feel like she cares to know.

[glows]

Sadly she doesn't care about you enough and you were a rebound. She treats you like a toy and it's disrespectful. Instead of seeking more of her attention/love you're not walking away which is what most people would do if they're looking for a sane, healthy, loving, respectful or mutually reciprocal relationship. Her going through your phone or devaluing you (ridiculing or making fun of you) does not constitute care. She's basically a jerk.

[Alpacalia]

A fair number of people, myself included, would not want to date someone with all these "hungry" people orbiting in the background.

Sometimes it's just more headache than it's actually worth.

The bottom line is that you do not like it and that is perfectly acceptable.

But, you also can't expect her to conform to the type of partner you would prefer.

[IslandSanctuary]

When I was dating the number 1 thing I looked for, top of the list was: 'Have the same attitude to opposite sex friends whilst in a relationship as I do.' 

I would never date this woman. The world is full of stupid people, all you can do is move on - don't let her lifestyle choices or ideas confound you - just get over it. If you continue to see her then you only have YOURSELF to blame. 

There are lots of different types of people in the world, there are a lot of outspoken women that would go as far to call you controlling or abusive for having a problem with her going out to the movies with her guy mate from way back. Don't fall for that crap, you're allowed to express your feelings and you aren't compatible with everyone.

Many leading psychologists and relationship experts agree that boundaries with opposite sex friends and exes are essential to having a relationship last. 
Do you want some alcoholic club girl who is all about the social life, or a hard working intelligent girl? Lol 

I'm with a lovely woman, she had guy mates when she was younger, she works with men, but she'd never hang out with another man 1 on 1, or have drinks with other men when I'm not there or have a guy 'friend' she confides in or talks to on a regular basis. Imagine being 8 years old and seeing your mum having a regular 1 on 1 guy friend lol. 

Decent human beings do not have opposite sex 'friends' that fancy them or are attracted to them or ex lovers in the picture. Chicks that get off on this type of attention end up as cat ladies after years of being pumped and dumped. If the guys are obviously thirsty then she is a terrible person. No loss. 

Edited August 18, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[spiderowl]

Omg, Beast26!  I have only just read your initial posting and will read the rest of the posts but I wanted to give my initial impression.

You are incredibly controlling!  You have no right to police your girlfriend's phone, to tell her who she can and cannot speak to, or who she can and cannot see.  She is hiding things from you because she knows how jealous you are and she still wants to have friends, other people in her life besides you.

Your girlfriend might be flirty, I don't know.  She might just wish to retain old friends.  I certainly wouldn't give up my phone or contacts to a partner.

If you are unhappy with what your girlfriend is doing and with her having other friends - and she is choosing to have them regardless of what you say - then you should leave her.  You do not trust her and your jealousy is making her life miserable.

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

With respect, you seem controlling possessive and borderline abusive.

Who are you to go through her phone? Or confiscate her phone and text her friends telling them "she ain't single"?

May be she's bisexual who knows, but you need to end it.

Get a grip on your insecurities and lack of appropriate boundaries.

Further to what Wiseman2 wrote, dating is about finding a person who is a good fit for us as they are.  It's not about controlling the other person until they comply with your requirements. 

People can judge her behaviour all they want, but that doesn't give you the right to be so controlling.  If she doesn't meet your needs, walk away.

[JRabbit]

I think OP acts like that because the GF is clearly a compulsive liar with 0 boundaries. 

Any decent woman would have told those men off once she was in a relationship. 

[basil67]

No matter what another person does or how they behave, we always have choice in our response.  He can choose to leave or choose to be controlling.