Can't believe I'm here again. Found the LOML, bought a house together and one month before we move in, he has left me because he has doubts.

[KissingFire]

55 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

When your only point of comparison is an abuser, everybody else looks like a good catch even when they may not be. 

I have had several relationships before this man that weren't abusive, so he's not my only comparison.

56 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Finally, if your EX is law enforcement, do not even think about revenge.  Anything you do to him could be construed as assaulting an officer which will land you in jail   You don't need a record on top of heartbreak.  He's not worth ruining your life over.  Once you get your money back, you can & will rebuild.  

I would never do something like that haha, as much as I want to slash the tires to his beloved car, I would never act like that. My mum taught me to rise above everything with dignity. It sucks because all I want to do is call him and tell him that he has ruined my life, and how dare he do this to me after a nice weekend away, but I won't. There is no point. It won't change his mind, so I just have to keep strong and fill my days.

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This all sounds a little off. Meaning, it doesn't seem as simple as he tried to make it sound. I have a feeling there was more to it than that, in the lead-up to it.

I guess I'll never know. He did tell me that they had never dated and they were simply friends with benefits long before we met. It still hurts to think of what he did, especially because she was blonde, thin and tall like a model where as I am a short, curvy redhead, but I tried to make my peace with the situation as I had chosen to forgive him and move past it. Maybe deep down that sort of woman was what he wanted and I was never going to be that person.

[d0nnivain]

Get your money back & move forward.  It's all you can do.  

[Snow_Queen]

Only he knows why he did this. I know it’s very hurtful when something ends seemingly out if nowhere. I’ve been in a similar situation. We dated a while, got engaged, planned a wedding, then he dumped me. It was so sudden and shocking…just like you’re feeling now. 

He was actually upfront about the reasons. It was all a facade to keep me around a little longer. He knew eventually he would have to come clean before the wedding date. He was nothing but a coward afraid of confrontation. That’s why it happened.  Luckily, I hadn’t put much money into the event but it was embarrassing to make cancellations and returns. Maybe your ex was going along with it also until it became unsustainable.

Edited August 19, 2021 by Snow_Queen

[KissingFire]

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Get your money back & move forward.  It's all you can do.  

It hurts so much. I am pounding the treadmill every day and I'm so exhausted I fall asleep so quickly, but when I wake... That's when it hits me. I can't believe he held me so tightly in his arms Monday and then split with me the same day.

16 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

Only he knows why he did this. I know it’s very hurtful when something ends seemingly out if nowhere. I’ve been in a similar situation. We dated a while, got engaged, planned a wedding, then he dumped me. It was so sudden and shocking…just like you’re feeling now. 

He was actually upfront about the reasons. It was all a facade to keep me around a little longer. He knew eventually he would have to come clean before the wedding date. He was nothing but a coward afraid of confrontation. That’s why it happened.  Luckily, I hadn’t put much money into the event but it was embarrassing to make cancellations and returns. Maybe your ex was going along with it also until it became unsustainable.

I just don't understand how the whole thing could have been a lie. There's so much that doesn't make sense that I know people on here cannot answer. Why agree to start trying for children next year? Why buy a home with me? Why talk about vacactions for the next few years and baby names? My heart hurts. How do I ever trust anyone ever again.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, KissingFire said:

I just don't understand how the whole thing could have been a lie. There's so much that doesn't make sense that I know people on here cannot answer. Why agree to start trying for children next year? Why buy a home with me? Why talk about vacactions for the next few years and baby names? My heart hurts. How do I ever trust anyone ever again.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP. It's clear you tried to forgive and forget his previous transgression and wanted to believe it was a one-off. 

But honestly, don't do that again, with any guy in the future. When someone breaks your trust like that once, be done. Don't overlook. Just walk away. It might have been different if you two had years behind you and a lot more invested, a family and so on.

But a few months in and he's already sleeping with someone else? Big nope. He showed you who he was, right then and there (or rather, only when he confessed)

[KissingFire]

His mother messaged me and I'm raging all over again. (I'll change some details so it's not completely traceable.)

Hi Kissingfire.

I am so sorry. I know you thought the world of S. It was be of no consolation to say that if things arent working right now, then it might be for the best in the long term. You had some great times and will always cherish those wonderful memories. You need time to heal. You have some good friends and family to help you. S will not have just broken up with you without thinking long and hard about things, so please don't think of the worst of him! He would never willingly cause you pain.

D (FIL) and I wish you the very best and I promise that given time, you will recover and move on.

M.

I am so angry and bitter. I will not feed her or her son's ego, so I haven't responded but oh boy. If I was maybe a better woman I would let her know all about her "precious angel" son and what a lying, cheating POS he is. He is a hardcore mommy's boy. 30 years old and she still cooks for him every night. Buys him clothes. Does his lunchboxes. When we were living together, he did mature a little and we did our fair share of chores together, but since moving back home while we were saving for our house, I guess old habits die hard.

I am so angry.

I might have been in a physically abusive relationship before but at least he knew he was a monster. At least he didn't promise me weddings and babies. At least he didn't let me sign up to four years of furniture repayments while having "doubts." I want to tell her what a wretched man her son is and that he's a cheater, just like her husband. I want to cause pain like the way I'm feeling. I hate pride. I wish I was one of these women that just do not give a single F.

Edited September 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Consult an attorney about this gang of conartists defrauding you out of money.

His family was in on this. Stop contacting them or expecting compassion or sympathy from them.

Instead contact your bank, credit cards and have all charges reversed/cancelled for stuff you purchased that he and his con artist kinfolk are keeping.

Crying won't help you. Talking to him or his family won't help you.

What will help you is to recover financially,get your name off his debts and most of all talking to an attorney for practical advice and trusted friends and family for support.

[KissingFire]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Consult an attorney about this gang of conartists defrauding you out of money.

His family was in on this. Stop contacting them or expecting compassion or sympathy from them.

Instead contact your bank, credit cards and have all charges reversed/cancelled for stuff you purchased that he and his con artist kinfolk are keeping.

Crying won't help you. Talking to him or his family won't help you.

What will help you is to recover financially,get your name off his debts and most of all talking to an attorney for practical advice and trusted friends and family for support.

He's deleted from all my social media, as are his parents. I have not contacted him or them once, she reached out to me this morning via message requests on FB.  Perhaps I didn't articulate myself properly, but that message was out of the blue and I have not tried to initiate contact with any of them.

We have arranged a meeting with our solicitors for two weeks time so I can get my name off from the mortage and switch to his details for the furniture finance. I have been seeing friends/family every day, going swimming, going to the gym, reading/writing, etc. I was simply posting here because I was irritated that SHE reached out to me. Perhaps deleting was not enough, and that is an error on my behalf, but I was just venting.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am really sorry, OP. 

I can completely understand why this message from his mom rattled you so much. I don't like the tone of her message one bit, either. I find it condescending and a thinly.veiled attempt to protect her precious little boy. If she only knew the truth. 

I would not reply. Keep the focus on your meeting with your lawyer and disentangling yourself from these people. 

[KissingFire]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am really sorry, OP. 

I can completely understand why this message from his mom rattled you so much. I don't like the tone of her message one bit, either. I find it condescending and a thinly.veiled attempt to protect her precious little boy. If she only knew the truth. 

I would not reply. Keep the focus on your meeting with your lawyer and disentangling yourself from these people. 

I found it extremely patronising and it has made me very irritable this morning while I'm trying to work and get on with my day. She saw I had seen the message and sent a kissing heart emoji. () I ignored that as well. How dare she try and set me back. I want to believe she sent me that message with good intentions, as I always got on with her despite her racial/derogative outbursts (she would make fun of coloured/disabled people on TV, etc - this woman was a bloody nurse if you can believe that.) And we went on vacation together. I bought her flowers when she was sick. I always bought her thoughtful gifts for birthdays and events. I had dinner with them 2-3 times a week. However she worships her son. She still buys his underwear for christ sake.

And breathe... I am still so livid. I want to tell her that her son is not a nice person and has cheated on almost every girlfriend he had. (Yeah, I should have walked away when he told me about that. What a fool I am believing I could be different.) Like father like son. I am more angry that he gets the dining room set I fell in love with. That was my dream set.

My options in regards to the furniture is;

• Don't meet him and just pay the furniture off and keep it in storage. (I'll have to pay for a unit as I don't have the room in my parents house.)
• Don't meet him and just cancel it myself and not get my deposit back.
• Meet him, swap his name over, and walk away from the set I fell in love with and he gets everything, and I get my deposit.

Either way, I am the loser in this situation. Even if I choose not to let him have it, he'll go out with his parent's money and buy them both anyway. I can't win.

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

her son is not a nice person and has cheated on almost every girlfriend he had. (Yeah, I should have walked away when he told me about that. What a fool I am believing I could be different.) Like father like son.

Dad's a philanderer too, huh? 

49 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

My options in regards to the furniture is;

I would personally do whatever would be the most financially advantageous for me. If that meant letting him have the set, so be it. You would probably only be reminded of the pain he's put you through every time you look at it anyway.

[KissingFire]

Ex-MIL reached out again and this time it just made me cry.

"Hello Kissingfire.

I just want you to know I unfriended you ONLY because I didn't want you to be upset if you saw any posts with S. I know everything is so raw for you. We are both very fond of you and only want the best for you. We are so sorry things did not work out, but S has to make his own decisions. You are going to hurt for a while now, so it really is best to put S behind you. I know you still have some belongings at ours, feel free to pop up any time, probably for the best if S isn't there though. If you let me know what you have forgot, I will collect them for you.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. I'm glad you bought your new car as that will make a huge difference for you.

Take care. x"

So... yeah.

How she found out I bought a car this week, I have no idea. Someone must have been creeping on my socials. Why is she trying to get me to move on from her son so much? Why is she so patronizing? I want to believe this message came from a nice place... her son is the one who has ruined my life. Why can't they see that?

I am so upset. I did not ask for any of this. I feel like I have crashed and burned all over again. I can't stop crying.

Edited August 28, 2021 by KissingFire

[ExpatInItaly]

Ouch. Sorry to hear she's at it again. 

At this point, I would reply and gently but firmly tell her not to contact you again. She is indeed quite patronizing and speaks to you as though you don't know what is best for you. My impression is perhaps that she knows more about why this happened, but doesn't want to come out and say it so she's simply urging you to put him in your rearview mirror because she knows that is where he should be. I would personally send a short message to the effect of, "Thank you for your thoughts. At this point, I prefer that we not keep in touch. I wish you and Mr. Husband the best."

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

her son is the one who has ruined my life. Why can't they see that?

A couple of possibilities: because it would ruin the idea she has in her head of him. She doesn't want to see it. She also likely doesn't know what he's really like in relationships and the fact that he's cheated on almost everyone - including you. 

My only other guess? She does know to some extent, and since her husband is evidently the same, she doesn't want you to live the life she has. 

 

[LynneVicious]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ouch. Sorry to hear she's at it again. 

At this point, I would reply and gently but firmly tell her not to contact you again. She is indeed quite patronizing and speaks to you as though you don't know what is best for you. My impression is perhaps that she knows more about why this happened, but doesn't want to come out and say it so she's simply urging you to put him in your rearview mirror because she knows that is where he should be. I would personally send a short message to the effect of, "Thank you for your thoughts. At this point, I prefer that we not keep in touch. I wish you and Mr. Husband the best."

A couple of possibilities: because it would ruin the idea she has in her head of him. She doesn't want to see it. She also likely doesn't know what he's really like in relationships and the fact that he's cheated on almost everyone - including you. 

My only other guess? She does know to some extent, and since her husband is evidently the same, she doesn't want you to live the life she has. 

 

Agree. If he’s such a mamas boy, I as well get the feeling she knows more about the situation. Because usually, when someone is ‘confused’ or not happy anymore for no reason, there is someone else in the picture. 

And her reaching out to you is certainly going to set you back. Go nc with everyone, take one step at a time, and you’ll heal from this. 

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

Ex-MIL reached out again and this time it just made me cry.

"Hello Kissingfire.

I just want you to know I unfriended you ONLY because I didn't want you to be upset if you saw any posts with S. I know everything is so raw for you. We are both very fond of you and only want the best for you. We are so sorry things did not work out, but S has to make his own decisions. You are going to hurt for a while now, so it really is best to put S behind you. I know you still have some belongings at ours, feel free to pop up any time, probably for the best if S isn't there though. If you let me know what you have forgot, I will collect them for you.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. I'm glad you bought your new car as that will make a huge difference for you.

Take care. x"

So... yeah.

How she found out I bought a car this week, I have no idea. Someone must have been creeping on my socials. Why is she trying to get me to move on from her son so much? Why is she so patronizing? I want to believe this message came from a nice place... her son is the one who has ruined my life. Why can't they see that?

I am so upset. I did not ask for any of this. I feel like I have crashed and burned all over again. I can't stop crying.

This is a borderline harassment. Just block them from everywhere. Truly sorry all this happening to you.

On 8/26/2021 at 5:26 AM, KissingFire said:

My options in regards to the furniture is;

• Don't meet him and just pay the furniture off and keep it in storage. (I'll have to pay for a unit as I don't have the room in my parents house.)
• Don't meet him and just cancel it myself and not get my deposit back.
• Meet him, swap his name over, and walk away from the set I fell in love with and he gets everything, and I get my deposit.

I would say that you should get your deposit back. You can always purchase a new set for yourself at some point down the road. I know it might be difficult for you to actually meet him in person but do whatever needs to be done in order to get your money back. Maybe your friend or somebody could go instead of you to get the documents. You can sign whatever needs to be signed and mail/e-mail it to him.

[HazelBliss]

Move on. The end.

[spiderowl]

On 8/17/2021 at 4:10 PM, KissingFire said:

Thanks for the responses everyone. We are meeting to discuss finances in a few weeks I believe. He's buying me out and we're going to try and change the finance I took out on furniture to his name. I am so bitter. So so bitter. Going out and buying furniture was HIS idea. We even took photos of us celebrating. He looked so happy. How could all of it have been a lie? How could he not have been happy then? He said he was having doubts for a long time. So why do this to me? Why let me believe I could have everything I ever wanted and then bolt at the final hurdlle?

I am so mad. I am so depressed. Back to the gym I go...

I am so sorry.  It sounds like he had the occasional doubts, as we all do, but then on that night out met someone who made him feel you are not the one.  It is awful that he didn't talk about his doubts sooner.

He cheated on you after a short time.  That was a red flag (as you know know now).  Many of us would have probably given him the benefit of the doubt - it was a one-off, drunk, not really thinking - but looking at the whole picture you have given us, it was like a shot across the bows.  It was like he was saying indirectly 'this relationship is not going to be stable, is not to be trusted'.  He had 'form', leaving his ex after a long relationship and just before moving in together.  The decent thing for him to do would have been to warn you from the start; he was selfish for not doing so.

You haven't done anything wrong, just given a guy the benefit of the doubt.  It is easy for us to look back at the story and see the signs that all might not be well.  We get caught up in a relationship and want to believe the best of our mates.  Unfortunately, some don't deserve that.

I realise it is a massive shock to you and it must feel like your dreams have been destroyed.  I do think when you have come through this terrible disappointment that you will find someone better.  You know some of the red flags to look for now.  Sadly, we never know all of them so it is always a question of luck to a certain extent.

[spiderowl]

On 8/18/2021 at 11:40 AM, KissingFire said:

I will. I just don’t trust myself right now to not crumble and humiliate myself. I want him to know how much pain I’m in, but he doesn’t deserve to know that I feel like dying.

My friend has messaged to say he has removed his relationship status with me and has deleted her and my entire family. It has not even been 48 hours. My socials remain deactivated for now as I cannot bare to look at happy couples and wedding announcements. 

I wish this wasn’t happening. Exactly one month ago today we bought our living room suit and dining room furniture. What could possibly have changed in one month?!

I'm afraid he has shown you his true colours.  He is a callous pile of sh*t.  Did you notice anything while with him that made you feel uncomfortable?

Please look after yourself.  You are the decent, loving person  xx  Don't let this piece of rubbish grind you down.  He's the one who should be hurting.

[KissingFire]

On 8/28/2021 at 10:56 PM, spiderowl said:

I'm afraid he has shown you his true colours.  He is a callous pile of sh*t.  Did you notice anything while with him that made you feel uncomfortable?

Please look after yourself.  You are the decent, loving person  xx  Don't let this piece of rubbish grind you down.  He's the one who should be hurting.

Thank you for the kind words. I feel like I am going backwards, not forwards.

My friend sent me an update to the house that he had posted. He is so unaffected. Sharing updates of our home which is now his. I politely told her not to send me anything to do with it anymore. I've been crying all morning.

[Cersei]

Oh yeesh. Sorry to see this happen to you. I'm sure you are stressed, confused and mad.

If I can make one suggestion please try this and you may see things a bit more clearer.

-Make a list of all the things that have ever frustrated you with this man. Everything to not putting the lid back on the toothpaste to showing up late for something. Everything, absolutely everything!  Be honest.

Once you step back, you will realize he was not necessarily the picture perfect man you envisioned in your head. 

I did this after a breakup and realized how greatful I was for getting dumped by such a POS. 

I wish you the best and I hope you have a fun trip!

[JRabbit]

41 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

My friend sent me an update to the house that he had posted. He is so unaffected. Sharing updates of our home which is now his. I politely told her not to send me anything to do with it anymore. I've been crying all morning

Im so sorry.  I recommend blasting the song "Good 4 U" by Olivia Rodrigo for an hour or so...

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, KissingFire said:

Thank you for the kind words. I feel like I am going backwards, not forwards.

My friend sent me an update to the house that he had posted. He is so unaffected. Sharing updates of our home which is now his. I politely told her not to send me anything to do with it anymore. I've been crying all morning.

Totally normal, especially given that it's still so fresh. It will take a lot more time to feel like you're moving forwards, and that's ok.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. And definitely keep telling all friends not to share anything he does anymore. 

[Noproblem]

I am sorry for what you going through, but why would you stay with a cheater and serial flakey person, he'll always run away and he'll always cheat and he'll always break your heart

I am afraid that you will accept him back the minute her call you again!

 

I hope you don't do that. I hope you stop crying over this cheater and commitment phoebe. I hope you move on and block him forever, he has no soul!

[spiderowl]

On 8/31/2021 at 2:34 PM, KissingFire said:

Thank you for the kind words. I feel like I am going backwards, not forwards.

My friend sent me an update to the house that he had posted. He is so unaffected. Sharing updates of our home which is now his. I politely told her not to send me anything to do with it anymore. I've been crying all morning.

Kissingfire, to your recollection, did this guy ever have any real empathy towards you?  Some people just don't have it and they are best avoided.  Unfortunately, it is easy to interpret someone showing interest in us and saying nice things as empathy.  Empathy is when you actually feel for someone and can imagine their feelings.  Some people just pretend to empathise but really haven't a clue.  If you look back, you may see signs that this guy didn't have sufficient empathy ever to be a good partner to you.

[Miss Spider]

Would they really be the “LOML” if they don’t even want to be with you? Probably not. Time to reframe 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough