Can't believe I'm here again. Found the LOML, bought a house together and one month before we move in, he has left me because he has doubts.

[KissingFire]

Im not really sure what I'm looking for by posting here, I guess I am just crushed. I have been through heartache before. I have been through being dumped. I know what to do and how to act. NC, no begging, remove social media, yada yada and all that. I just never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be back on here, feeling like I want to die because I truly believed that this man was the better half of me.

We have travelled the world together. We bought a home together. One month ago we chose our kitchen and flooring. (New build.) Two weeks ago he told his parents about the names we have chosen for our children. And now - poof. He went on a night out a few weeks ago and he said it was the first time in a while that he felt happy and free. He said he had doubts. I asked him if he needed space, and he said he didn't know. I backed off massively however we had a night away booked and we went away together for the weekend. Had a wonderful time. We were intimate, laughing together. He told me he couldn't do this anymore on the way home and he just wanted to be happy, that he had never been truly on his own and he wanted to stay in the house on his own. That he hadn't felt 100% happy with me for a while. I felt like opening the car door and just letting the road take me. I was silent and he begged me to talk to him. I asked him what was there more to say? I cried a little, even though I tried not to. He kept holding me, kissing me, saying how sorry he was and that he loved me. He drove me back to his house so I could grab my things. I told him I loved him, thanked him for the happiest years of my life and hugged his parents and dogs goodbye. He was crying in the car and said "I have a feeling I'll be calling you in a few weeks telling you I messed up." I told him I needed space and not to speak to me until he has his stuff together. It made me think of his ex, who he was with for 5 years. He left her as they were buying their first home as well. Stupid me for thinking I could be something different.

We had been through this before, when I moved in with him the year before and he admitted to cheating on me after 2-3 months of dating. A blind error. I took him back like a mug and made my peace with it. He did everything he could to make up for it and after the pain started to subside, I felt truly happy again. I thought he was as well. We talked of colourschemes for our wedding. We went through the stress of getting a mortage together. His parents gave us a ton of money for the deposit and I signed something to say I wouldn't try and claim it. I didn't think anything of it.

I miss him so much. I haven't eaten. Friends keep calling and my boss is being so nice to me that all it does is make me cry. It has not even been 24 hours since he held me in his arms, kissed me passionately and told me he loves me. I am in a world of pain.

Thank goodness for work and the gym.

Edited September 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/17/2021 at 8:18 PM, KissingFire said:

We had been through this  before, when I moved in with him the year before and he admitted to cheating on me after 2-3 months of dating.

Oh wow. I am really sorry to say this, but I think it may have happened again, right here: 

On 8/17/2021 at 8:18 PM, KissingFire said:

He went on a night out a few weeks ago and he said it was the first time in a while that he felt happy and free. He said he had doubts.

If he flipped a switch over night and is only now telling you that he's been unhappy, I would bet that something happened on that night out that he made him realize he needed to let you go. 

I am very sorry, OP. I can't imagine the pain you're in with all the planning for the future you two have done. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, KissingFire said:

We bought a home together. he wanted to stay in the house on his own. when I moved in with him the year before and he admitted to cheating on me after 2-3 months of dating. We went through the stress of getting a mortage together.  I signed something to say I wouldn't try and claim it.

Sorry this is happening. He seems more like a conman than anyone's 'love of their lives.'

Is our name on the deed or the mortgage? You need to remove yourself from the mortgage asap. 

He cheats, he lies, he scams.

He is probably cheating again that's why he "needs space" after conning you into whatever financial scam he's running.

This is someone you need to talk to an attorney about. Sounds like he scammed you into this mortgage.

It's unclear why his parents gave him the money to buy the house, but you were stuck in a mortgage with him. Then had you sign papers implying you were not part-owner.

Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Consult an attorney and bring this paperwork he and his family had you sign.

Edited August 17, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

On 8/17/2021 at 8:18 PM, KissingFire said:

We went through the stress of getting a mortage together. His parents gave us a ton of money for the deposit and I signed something to say I wouldn't try and claim it. I didn't think anything of it.

At this pint since you haven't even moved into the house, you have lost nothing by waiving any claim to the money the parents loaned him so you two can buy this house.  However, you have to get your name off the mortgage & you have to get any money you sunk into this project back.  You can't be done with this relationship until you accomplish this.  If you signed a paper disclaiming any ownership interest in the house despite paying for it,  you were foolish.  

Why did you agree to buy a house with & tie yourself financially to a man you were not married to, who previously cheated on you who freaked out when you lived together?   The writing has been on the wall the whole time that he wasn't reliable, despite the lovely dream of a wedding he talked about .  He was never reliable.  

I am sorry he pulled the rug out from underneath you but you have to fix the money side of things ASAP so you can move forward.  

Edited September 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

A man who cheated on you after 2-3 months of dating should NEVER have been considered by you to be the love of your life...
That was your cue to end it, not weave a fairy story around your relationship...

I guess he is a commitment-phobe, he gets so far, but reneges as soon as the commitment becomes real to him.
In his case it seems to be he turns and runs as soon as buying the house becomes a done deal.

[KissingFire]

Thanks for the responses everyone. We are meeting to discuss finances in a few weeks I believe. He's buying me out and we're going to try and change the finance I took out on furniture to his name. I am so bitter. So so bitter. Going out and buying furniture was HIS idea. We even took photos of us celebrating. He looked so happy. How could all of it have been a lie? How could he not have been happy then? He said he was having doubts for a long time. So why do this to me? Why let me believe I could have everything I ever wanted and then bolt at the final hurdlle?

I am so mad. I am so depressed. Back to the gym I go...

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, KissingFire said:

He went on a night out a few weeks ago and he said it was the first time in a while that he felt happy and free. He told me he couldn't do this anymore on the way home and he just wanted to be happy, that he had never been truly on his own and he wanted to stay in the house on his own. That he hadn't felt 100% happy with me for a while.

 It has not even been 24 hours since he  ...  told me he loves me.

Why let me believe I could have everything I ever wanted and then bolt at the final hurdlle?

Something is off here. It sounds like he's going through the motions of starting to build a life with someone, but it's clearly not something he's actually happy with. Possibly he's unconsciously uncomfortable with "functional" relationships/committed LTRs. Possibly he's starting to do what he "thinks he should do" based on internalizing societal values of marriage, family, kids, etc but in actuality he's not really ready to do that or doesn't really want that for himself.

At any rate, it very much sounds like this is about him, not you, and that despite whatever he showed externally, in actuality he is conflicted about what he really wants at this point in his life.

Edited August 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[d0nnivain]

Use the anger to propel you forward.  If the furniture hasn't been delivered, call the store & see if you can cancel the whole thing.  

Going back to the gym should help.  

[KissingFire]

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Use the anger to propel you forward.  If the furniture hasn't been delivered, call the store & see if you can cancel the whole thing.  

Going back to the gym should help.  

He posted photos of the house updates on our Instagram. It has a roof now. He has removed me from the title of the Instagram as well. (It was one we had dedicated to updates.) I cried my eyes out and now I’m just numb. It’s not fair that he’s okay and I’m suicidal. This is my house. Our house. He even drove me to see it on Sunday. He is either a psychopath or a damn good liar. Not sure what is worse. 

I feel like dying. 

[d0nnivain]

Suicide is not the answer.  Call a hotline or a friend but please don't take your own life.  

You don't know that he's OK.  He just has something to focus on.  . . one good thing in his life, the house.  For you it's now a source of pain.  You  need to disentangle from it ASAP.  

Hugs

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

It’s not fair that he’s okay and I’m suicidal. This is my house. Our house. He even drove me to see it on Sunday. He is either a psychopath or a damn good liar. Not sure what is worse. 
I feel like dying. 

Please, reach out to your family or friends, or emergency support services. It's cliché to say it, but he is not worth this level of despair. 

This guy is a total ass. 

 

[KissingFire]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Suicide is not the answer.  Call a hotline or a friend but please don't take your own life.  

You don't know that he's OK.  He just has something to focus on.  . . one good thing in his life, the house.  For you it's now a source of pain.  You  need to disentangle from it ASAP.  

Hugs

How could he do this to me? This time last week we were buying curtains. Why would he take me to see it Sunday knowing he was going to break up with me on Monday? It is so cruel. I feel so broken. I can't eat or keep fluids down.

I won't do anything stupid. I just feel this way at the moment.

[Wiseman2]

You need to talk to an attorney. 

[KissingFire]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to talk to an attorney. 

I will. I just don’t trust myself right now to not crumble and humiliate myself. I want him to know how much pain I’m in, but he doesn’t deserve to know that I feel like dying.

My friend has messaged to say he has removed his relationship status with me and has deleted her and my entire family. It has not even been 48 hours. My socials remain deactivated for now as I cannot bare to look at happy couples and wedding announcements. 

I wish this wasn’t happening. Exactly one month ago today we bought our living room suit and dining room furniture. What could possibly have changed in one month?!

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, KissingFire said:

What could possibly have changed in one month?!

I really hate to put the thought in your head, but perhaps he has met someone else. 

You already know he is capable of it, sadly. 

[d0nnivain]

Not knowing him or you, none of us can answer your Why Qs.   It probably has something to do with cold feet or possibly another woman.  

Wiseman is right -- you need to get the legal / money aspects of this straightened out & you may need a lawyer.  Have you called the store to cancel the furniture yet if you can?   Since you want revenge --canceling this without telling him seems like an OK thing to do in my book. 

Revenge is a tricky thing.  There's an old proverb about digging two graves because you end up poisoning yourself.  Wanting the person who hurt you to feel as badly as you do is human nature but it's not productive.  Over the years I have learned to keep my bad wishes for the other person to the annoying side --  I hope the phone rings every time you step into the shower; I hope you get stuck in traffic; I hope you miss your plane; etc.  Here I may wish delays in construction or permit red tape.  

Just take care of yourself.  Keep on blinking & breathing through the pain.  

[LynneVicious]

Since this is the second time he’s done this to you, and the first time you found out he had cheated, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say, based on past behavior predicting future behavior, that he cheated again, and is too coward to tell you like last time. 

Look, I know you’re mad in love with him, but ‘the one’ doesn’t cheat on you and break up with you every year. 

You’re still very young. If you go back to him at some point, expect the same behavior. It’s better you find out now than married with kids, that he can’t keep it on his pants. 

You will heal and move on. And find someone who is 100% committed to you. You just have to go through the pain jow. So sorry op. 

[ItsTheDay]

5 hours ago, KissingFire said:

How could he do this to me? This time last week we were buying curtains. Why would he take me to see it Sunday knowing he was going to break up with me on Monday? It is so cruel. I feel so broken. I can't eat or keep fluids down.

I won't do anything stupid. I just feel this way at the moment.

How old are you two?

This is just my thought, since I don't know the whole story but it could of had something to do with him going out. Where did he go? Out for drinks? Somewhere social that people try to impress others? Maybe he wanted to test his "game" out or had women flirting with him a bit, then he released if it wasn't for you he could be taking some of those women back home to his new place. 

[AnnK]

SO sorry for  your situation   , I have been through things like this as  well.... many times. (Nothing that involved houses, or other  big purchases, but  betrayal.)  And   there are  those I am sure   who  will flame  me for  what I am about to  say  but, like it or not,  this is  what life has taught me.  I quote  Ouiser from Steel Magnolias:  "Men are the most horrible creatures, honey. They will ruin your life, you mark my words." And  at my age  I see no  reason to  change my  mind.

[KissingFire]

On 8/19/2021 at 12:28 AM, ItsTheDay said:

How old are you two?

This is just my thought, since I don't know the whole story but it could of had something to do with him going out. Where did he go? Out for drinks? Somewhere social that people try to impress others? Maybe he wanted to test his "game" out or had women flirting with him a bit, then he released if it wasn't for you he could be taking some of those women back home to his new place. 

I'm 27 and he's 30. He went out with work friends.

 

Edited September 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

Yeah I'm starting to feel that way. The man before him hit me and spat on me and was a horrible man. I thought this time I had truly got it right. He was so gentle. So loving. Went to therapy with me. Travelled the world with me. I had never ever been so truly happy and in love in my entire life.

I am wondering how much you might have overlooked though, in wanting this to finally be "it."

He admitted that he cheated on you before. That doesn't exactly line up with a loving guy or being as wonderful as you thought he was. I gather that he didn't admit this right away, so I can see how you had believed he was great until that point.

But after? What was your thought process in deciding to move forward wtih him anyway, knowing he was dishonest and disloyal? That's a genuine question, by the way. I think it's worth examining how you decided to give this another chance knowing what you knew about him. What were the circumstances of that infidelity? An ongoing thing, a one-night stand? I only ask because there might be a bit of a pattern here, in terms of you trying to rationalize away bad behaviour in favour of hanging on to an unhealthy relationship. It might help give you some clarity on the reality of this relaitonship, rather than what you hoped it would be. 

[KissingFire]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am wondering how much you might have overlooked though, in wanting this to finally be "it."

He admitted that he cheated on you before. That doesn't exactly line up with a loving guy or being as wonderful as you thought he was. I gather that he didn't admit this right away, so I can see how you had believed he was great until that point.

But after? What was your thought process in deciding to move forward wtih him anyway, knowing he was dishonest and disloyal? That's a genuine question, by the way. I think it's worth examining how you decided to give this another chance knowing what you knew about him. What were the circumstances of that infidelity? An ongoing thing, a one-night stand? I only ask because there might be a bit of a pattern here, in terms of you trying to rationalize away bad behaviour in favour of hanging on to an unhealthy relationship. It might help give you some clarity on the reality of this relaitonship, rather than what you hoped it would be. 

He's a police officer and was helping an old friend with her abusive ex. He said one thing lead to another after they hugged. We were approx 2-3 months into dating at the time and he didn't tell me for almost a year. He broke down, was on his knees begging me for another chance. He blocked and deleted her from everything in front of me. We went on many dates, spent a lot of time together and I believed we had become closer because of it. I began to trust him to again and he let me have all of his passwords and I could look at his phone whenever I wanted, not that I ever did. I guess looking back now it was all an act.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

He's a police officer and was helping an old friend with her abusive ex. He said one thing lead to another after they hugged.

This all sounds a little off. Meaning, it doesn't seem as simple as he tried to make it sound. I have a feeling there was more to it than that, in the lead-up to it. 

8 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

he didn't tell me for almost a year. He broke down, was on his knees begging me for another chance. He blocked and deleted her from everything in front of me.

I wonder what prompted all of this, a year later. Maybe he was consumed by guilt, but I also wouldn't rule out the possibility that it had continued after the first time and maybe she threatened to expose him to you.  My money would be on the theory that what he admitted to was only a fraction of the truth. 

Either way, I don't think this man is who you thought he was. He obviously isn't, if he could have "doubts" for months but still purchase a home with you and then suddenly turn around and call it off. I know it hurts like hell right now, but the more you describe about him, the more I think you dodged the cliché bullet. 

[d0nnivain]

44 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

The man before him hit me and spat on me and was a horrible man. 

* * * 

I am doing slightly better today. My friend is trying to get some time off so we can go and fly to a warm country for a few days to give me something to look forward to. Not like I have a home to save up for anymore...

When your only point of comparison is an abuser, everybody else looks like a good catch even when they may not be.  You are also learning why it's generally a bad idea to buy real estate with somebody who is not your spouse, without legal representation & not having things in writing.   I can't stress this enough:  you have to sort out the money & get repaid for every cent you sunk into this house including the furniture.  If he's a cop, he makes a good salary.  There should be no reason he can't assume every debt you foolishly put in your name only. 

I'm glad your friend is there for you.  You still need to be frugal with your money because someday you will buy a home of your own but if you get back your capital investment, you will absolutely have enough money to travel in the short term as part of your healing.  A change of scenery is just what the doctor ordered.  

Finally, if your EX is law enforcement, do not even think about revenge.  Anything you do to him could be construed as assaulting an officer which will land you in jail   You don't need a record on top of heartbreak.  He's not worth ruining your life over.  Once you get your money back, you can & will rebuild.  

[assertives]

Have you posted about this before? I feel like I remember someone posting on here about her boyfriend suddenly coming clean about cheating 1 year after the fact and he was not sure about their relationship.