Alpacalia Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 The man I've been talking to came to visit me this past weekend. We had a really good time together but he told me he wants me to come with him next month to visit his relatives with him. We'd be staying at his sister's house for a few days. We have been casually seeing each other so I'm not sure yet how I feel about that. Would it be better to decline going altogether if I'm not quite ready to spend time with him and his relatives or is it not that big of a deal?
Amanda141 Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 How long have you been dating and how old are you more or less? Would you want a serious relationship with him? 1
Blind-Sided Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 I wouldn't bother "Visiting" his family until you have been dating for a while. Also... I wouldn't go away with someone who I was only dating for such a short time either. 2 1
d0nnivain Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 Not in a million years would I voluntarily travel to stay over night at the home of the relatives of some guy I just started dating. It's waaaaaayyyyyy too soon for something as intimate & family oriented as that. Meeting relatives by going to their home for a meal or family party is one thing. You show up. You eat / drink & leave within 3-4 hours. Save the travel & sleep overs for after you have been together for 1 year+ 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 4 hours ago, Alpaca said: I'm not quite ready to spend time with him and his relatives or is it not that big of a deal? Agree. Staying with someone's clan of people a for days seems overwhelming at this early point. Decline and keep it one-on-one for a while. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 It depends… generally you need yo be something more than just dating. meeting say a sibling if they are in the same area and they are close is 7nderstandable early on. Meeting relatives you might see only 2-3 times a year shoukd wait till it’s more serious LTR thing. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 Meeting relatives is fine. Staying overnight at someone's house is too much. 2
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 I would decline...I think he's just hitting two birds with one stone and has nothing to do with integrating you into his family, which would be waaaay too soon. You were engaged? ya that would be acceptable. Tell him thanks but no thanks. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 15 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Tell him thanks but no thanks. I'd tell him thanks but not yet.
Author Alpacalia Posted August 17, 2021 Author Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I think he's just hitting two birds with one stone and has nothing to do with integrating you into his family, which would be waaaay too soon. Thanks. What do you mean by "hitting two birds with one stone" with reference to the above (though I think I may have an inkling). (and thanks to everyone that posted thus far) Edited August 17, 2021 by Alpaca 1
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: Thanks. What do you mean by "hitting two birds with one stone" with reference to the above (though I think I may have an inkling). (and thanks to everyone that posted thus far) having two things he wants to do, but do both at the same time. He came out to see him family, so add you to the visit. He's a man...they don't always think things through. Edited August 17, 2021 by smackie9 1
Author Alpacalia Posted August 17, 2021 Author Posted August 17, 2021 Just now, smackie9 said: having two things he wants to do, but do both at the same time. kinda like you have dry cleaning you have to pick up, and have a lunch date, so you pick the cafe next door to your dry cleaner. That's hitting two birds with one stone. Ah, yes. I know what the phrase means in general I was just wondering what the two things are that he might want to accomplish by me going to stay at his sisters. I have an inkling though which is kind of why I wanted to get outside opinions. Thanks smackie9!
Miss Spider Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) My opinion is some people see it as NBD and some people it would make uncomfortable or feel too significant. Like if he brings women he’s casually dating around his family often, then they are probably used to it and it’s a good way to spend time with you and his family. But to you, it might make you feel uncomfortable to stay several nights with a bunch of people very close to this guy you’re seeing casually that are complete strangers to you. To me it would be NBD to visit with them but I can definitely see how it might seem too much to some Edited August 17, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Lotsgoingon Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 If you're not feeling OVERWHELMINGLY that it is the right time to see his family, then you don't want to see his family. Now, your note suggests a bigger problem. Sounds like he's more into you than you into him. Or does he have a family he's trying to shut up by bringing a woman to see them in order to convince them that he is "serious"? I'm guessing he's more into you than you into him. So right now, he suggested something that is, in your mind, outside of the relationship as it exists right now. He might be a lot more certain of wanting to be with you than you of him. Or he could be missing this little bit of social skill and judgment that would say, "it's too early and unclear to introduce her to my family." NEVER go against your gut in situations like this. NEVER. Next thing you know, you'll be faking all kinds of feelings with him. Say no, and perhaps he will get the signal that he is moving too fast or the entire idea was premature. You want all your actions to reflect exactly what you're feeling right now. And if you're unsure or you think of the dating as "casual," then no, going to meet family is totally inappropriate. 1
glows Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 Decline. He might have offered it out of politeness, not a sincere indication of anything in which case he is confused. I would also reconsider dating him. 1
poppyfields Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Alpaca said: The man I've been talking to came to visit me this past weekend. We had a really good time together but he told me he wants me to come with him next month to visit his relatives with him. We'd be staying at his sister's house for a few days. We have been casually seeing each other so I'm not sure yet how I feel about that. Would it be better to decline going altogether if I'm not quite ready to spend time with him and his relatives or is it not that big of a deal? Alpaca, so was last weekend the first time meeting in person? And what do you mean by "casually seeing each other"? That word (casual) gets tossed around a lot, even by me when discussing the guy I am seeing, but casual means different things to different people, so curious what does it mean to you? Anyway, in the very early stages, after only one or two dates, when men say such things to me, I sort of shrug (to myself) and basically it goes one ear and out the other. There is a name for it, it's called "future faking," and some men do this as a way to escalate things (intimacy) not even knowing themselves if they will even be dating you in a month! I mean how could they know? You've only had a couple of dates, assuming that's the case. Anything can happen between now and a month from now. My response is typically "sure sounds fun" but I do not take it that seriously. No need to make a big (or even little) deal about it and reject. IF you are still dating in a month, then you can revisit, you may feel totally different by then OR you may not even be dating him anymore! One day at a time and play it by ear. Edited August 17, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Weezy1973 Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 Integrating into each other’s lives (family, friends etc. ) is the step from dating to relationship. If you’re not there yet, say no. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 35 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Integrating into each other’s lives (family, friends etc. ) is the step from dating to relationship. If you’re not there yet, say no. Meeting the family is a step in transitioning from dating to relationship. The OP described this guy as someone she was "talking to". They aren't even up to dating yet. Meet the family sounds early at this point but even if they were in a relationship, staying over at his family member's house the 1st time she meets that family member is really too much, IMO.
poppyfields Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) Why is anyone taking this comment seriously? Do you not realize all the inane BS that gets tossed around in these precarious early stages? Future faking, love bombing, etc. best to keep it all in proper perspective and NOT take it seriously, especially if you’ve just been “talking” and had your first meet last weekend. Like I said, you may not even be seeing each other in a month, if you are, you can revisit the idea then. You could respond how I typically do, "sure sounds fun" OR you could say "why don't we wait on that, if we are still seeing each other, possibly." Leave the idea open, no need to be shutting anything down just yet. No need to overthink it imo, it's just "talk." Not uncommon in these very early stages. Enjoy, have fun! That's what these early dates are or should be about imho! Edited August 17, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Miss Spider Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Why is anyone taking this comment seriously? Do you not realize all the inane BS that gets tossed around in these precarious early stages? Future faking, love bombing, etc. best to keep it all in proper perspective and NOT take it seriously, especially if you’ve just been “talking” and had your first meet last weekend. Like I said, you may not even be seeing each other in a month, if you are, you can revisit the idea then. You could respond how I typically do, "sure sounds fun" OR you could say "why don't we wait on that, if we are still seeing each other, possibly." Leave the idea open, no need to be shutting anything down just yet. No need to overthink it imo, it's just "talk." Not uncommon in these very early stages. Enjoy, have fun! That's what these early dates are or should be about imho! Yea I agree he threw it out so it could be “future faking” but also could just be he doesn’t see it as a thing . Seriously my dads family live in Rensselaer Indiana and when he was casually dating he’d bring a new chick every week to see his family, because my aunts and uncles are always talking about my how my dad had it like that He was just slaying back then before he met my mom . I get it from my papa nah im kidding But not everyone sees that as a huge step to the future . I mean could be he sees her as the one, could be taking, could be he never gets seen with chicks and his family is getting worried so that’s why he’s doing it etc etc. Hard to say Edited August 17, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
poppyfields Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) I know cookies, but it's a month away, again they may not even be seeing each other by then. It was way to soon for him to even be mentioning this (i.e. future faking). Maybe not intentionally faking, he likes her, he's excited. But best to take it with a grain of salt at this extremely early stage of the game. Revisit later if they're still dating in a month, and yes I agree it doesn't have to be a big deal. I met one of my ex's sister on our third date! Didn't mean anything other than he thought it might be fun if she joined us. I read nothing further into it other than that. Edited August 17, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Miss Spider Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) Yep that’s true. I just advising alpaca on what to do if it does happen and how to interpret it in case it does Bc that seemed to be her q … & I don’t think she should necessarily run or anything . It’s only as significant as people make it out to be. My dad invited my mom to family really early on because he did that with his dates apparently Edited August 17, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
poppyfields Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Yep that’s true. I just advising alpaca on what to do if it does happen and how to interpret it in case it does Bc that seemed to be her q … & I don’t think she should necessarily run or anything . It’s only as significant as people make it out to be. Yup, and in many cases, it's a clear case of overthinking/overanalyzing. Best to just relax and take things as they come, works for me!! Edited August 17, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Author Alpacalia Posted August 17, 2021 Author Posted August 17, 2021 Thanks for all the responses. I pretty much agree with everyone's sentiments about not meeting/staying with his relatives this early on. I'm going to decline for now and see how it goes. 2 1
glows Posted August 17, 2021 Posted August 17, 2021 4 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Thanks for all the responses. I pretty much agree with everyone's sentiments about not meeting/staying with his relatives this early on. I'm going to decline for now and see how it goes. It may lead to some productive conversation about where the relationship is headed if you're up for that. I would have some clear idea of what this is to you if you're anticipating something like that in a response. 1
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