Am I overreacting?

[Sahanna]

I am writing this in hopes to get some clarity. I am not a person who overreacts to things, but I'm not sure if my anger about this situation is warranted or not. Anyway, here is the situation......Last night I went grocery shopping. When I came out of the market my car wouldn't start, it was only about 20 minutes until sundown and so I called my partner for assistance. When he answered I mentioned that my car wouldn't start and I wasn't sure what the problem was, it had just been in the shop for routine maintenance the prior week. He asked if I thought it was the battery and I said, I wasn't sure, but the car hadn't given me any indication that the battery might be bad. He asked if I had jumper cables, and I said I did. He then proceeded to tell me to walk around the parking lot, look for someone friendly and ask if they will give me a jump. His logic was, "Well, if it's the battery we will know right away and if it's not we can eliminate that immediately. If you can just get a jump to get home it will save me from making a trip out there." The market is probably 15 minutes away from where we live. I hung up and sat in the car dumbfounded for a few minutes because what I had expected was "Where are you...I'm on my way." Not "Walk around the parking lot and ask some friendly looking stranger for help." Luckily there was a police officer there who monitors the store and parking lot and he was able to give me a jump. Turns out it was the battery, but that's not really the point is it? I feel angry because I never would have done that to him, he wasn't doing anything that he could't be pulled away from just sitting around the house, and more importantly I feel like he wasn't concerned about me or my safety at all. Women get abducted, raped, killed etc every single day so the last thing I want to do is walk around a parking lot near dusk asking strangers for help. I'm still upset about it, but not sure if I should be or not. Any other opinions would be great. Thanks for reading. 

[poppyfields]

I am probably not the best to person to answer because I am extremely self-sufficient and wouldn't have called my boyfriend, I would have tried to solicit the help from someone in the parking lot and handled it on my own that way.  This was before I became a member of AAA.

That said, a couple of my boyfriends have gotten mad at me for this, they actually encouraged me to need or count on them more for these types of things!!  Like they wanted to be my HERO or something, lol.

But the few times I did in the past (with one of my ex's anyway), I have sensed an annoyance or reluctance so I have stopped bothering them with stuff like this and learned to take care of things on my own.

I'm curious, what would you have done if you didn't have a boyfriend to call?  Are you a member of AAA?  If not, I would suggest becoming a member, it's not that expensive, and worth it imo.

Anyway, going forward, just don't count on him for stuff like this, that's all.  If he's otherwise a good boyfriend, and your RL is solid, that is what I do.

It's saves all the disappointment and internal drama that you are experiencing now.

I am sure I will get beat up for this response and others will trash your boyfriend for being an inconsiderate, selfish a-hole, but it's not my style to do that without further details about him and your RL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

OMG I'm just like Poppy.  It would have never occured to me to call anyone but triple A for help.  Especially if it's the battery.  Luckily my Dad taught me some things about a car.  I too have had boyfriends and even my husband bristle because I don't call with those problems.  I just handle it.  I don't have time to wait.

Edited August 16, 2021 by stillafool

[Sahanna]

Thanks for responding Poppy. I am not going to beat you up for your response, it's your opinion and you are entitled to that. I am self sufficient and not the damsel in distress type at all. I do have roadside assistance with my insurance company and if he had been out of town or I were single I would have just asked someone or called for a tow. I've never had to ask anyone for help because my car wouldn't start before, the last time I had car issues I was single so I handled it myself, thought it took hours. I called him because it was nearing dark and we don't live very far from the market and the last time I had to get a tow I sat for hours waiting and I didn't want the food to go bad. I live in the South and it's quite hot, even near dusk. I didn't really think it was a big deal and I just didn't think about it that hard, as in my mind it was a very simple ask. I wasn't asking him to leave work or cut away from something important, he was literally just sitting at home doing nothing. Just for context, he has done other things in the past that have been selfish so I guess I am not all that surprised after the fact. But regardless, it did bother me......but I'm not surprised this was his reaction. I am not looking for anyone to bash him, but he was free to help and he didn't, which I guess is what bothers me. Had the shoe been on the other foot I would have come to help no questions asked. But I guess you can't expect other people to behave the same way you would. 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Sahanna said:

Just for context, he has done other things in the past that have been selfish so I guess I am not all that surprised after the fact.

Like what?   This makes a difference, because it sounds like you are unhappy in the RL and that would definitely have a bearing on how you are reacting to this.

In what ways has he been selfish in your relationship?

It's rarely just one thing that sets us off, but a combination of behaviors, over time.

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

9 minutes ago, Sahanna said:

Thanks for responding Poppy. I am not going to beat you up for your response, it's your opinion and you are entitled to that. I am self sufficient and not the damsel in distress type at all. I do have roadside assistance with my insurance company and if he had been out of town or I were single I would have just asked someone or called for a tow. I've never had to ask anyone for help because my car wouldn't start before, the last time I had car issues I was single so I handled it myself, thought it took hours. I called him because it was nearing dark and we don't live very far from the market and the last time I had to get a tow I sat for hours waiting and I didn't want the food to go bad. I live in the South and it's quite hot, even near dusk. I didn't really think it was a big deal and I just didn't think about it that hard, as in my mind it was a very simple ask. I wasn't asking him to leave work or cut away from something important, he was literally just sitting at home doing nothing. Just for context, he has done other things in the past that have been selfish so I guess I am not all that surprised after the fact. But regardless, it did bother me......but I'm not surprised this was his reaction. I am not looking for anyone to bash him, but he was free to help and he didn't, which I guess is what bothers me. Had the shoe been on the other foot I would have come to help no questions asked. But I guess you can't expect other people to behave the same way you would. 

I don't blame you. It was the gesture, not the fact that you're incapacitated or without your own resources. A partner has hauled his butt out 1.5 hours one way and another 1.5 hours back home to help me change a tire when it went flat. I couldn't argue about it. That was that and he was coming so there was very little to it. 

I'd reflect on this a bit and maybe this is a good time to rethink the relationship overall and where it's headed. 

[Sahanna]

Hello Stillafool, thanks for responding. My Dad also taught me some things about cars. I can change my own tires, change my oil, top of my fluids....basic stuff. But it wasn't just that the car wasn't turning over. the internal lights were flashing and the car was making a strange sound. After I got home I googled it and found out this can happen sometimes when the battery has died. I've never experienced this type of battery failure before and as I mentioned my car had just been to the shop for routine maintenance, so I just wasn't sure. I wanted him to come more than anything so our food basically didn't spoil in the car as it's still quite hot here and AAA can take a while to arrive. Luckily I was able to get a jump and get the car back home, where it promptly died as soon as I shut it off. On a side not, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I posted this to get opinions on whether I was overreacting to the situation, not to address whether or not I should have called roadside assistance vs my partner. There is nothing wrong with asking a partner for help and if that person is available, my thought is that they should be willing to come and help you. He has called me on several occasions in the past and I went without any attitude to assist. It's not about whether I could handle the situation without a partner as clearly I could have, I have done so in the past. It's just the reaction to my ask, as if I were putting him out and it was such an inconvenience for him to get off of the sofa and help. After he told me to walk around and ask a stranger I didn't argue with him, I just said "OK then." , hung up and scanned the parking lot, which is when I saw the cop sitting on the other side. So it really wan't a big deal it's just the reaction that upset me, if that makes any sense at all. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Sahanna said:

There is nothing wrong with asking a partner for help and if that person is available, my thought is that they should be willing to come and help you. He has called me on several occasions in the past and I went without any attitude to assist. It's not about whether I could handle the situation without a partner as clearly I could have, I have done so in the past. It's just the reaction to my ask, as if I were putting him out and it was such an inconvenience for him to get off of the sofa and help. After he told me to walk around and ask a stranger I didn't argue with him, I just said "OK then." , hung up and scanned the parking lot, which is when I saw the cop sitting on the other side. So it really wan't a big deal it's just the reaction that upset me, if that makes any sense at all. 

You are right, there is certainly nothing "wrong" with asking your partner to help with such things, I don't think anyone, including myself and @stillafoolsaid there was.

Speaking for myself, I simply gave my opinion on what I would have done and something for you to consider going forward to avoid the disappointment and possible drama. 

Your reactions are your reactions, your feelings are your feelings, to which you are entitled, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings/reactions.

The question was are you "over-reacting"?

Well that depends.  Are you punishing your boyfriend now for disappointing you?  For not coming to your aid like you expected?  Did you start an argument, or pouting, not speaking to him?

If so, then to me that would be an over-reaction.  If not, then not an over-reaction.  Just disappointment which is OK.

I asked earlier, in what others ways do you feel he was being selfish?   Again, it's rarely just one behaviour, but a combination of behaviors, over time.

Are you happy in this relationship?

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

l'm surprised he didn't even bother especially being only 15minus , jezuz.

lt's nothing to do with being your hero , l dunno where women get some of their men ideas from, blows my mind. lf you went to help him would that be about being his hero ?  Ahhh, l doubt it.  lt's about being there for each other . l don't blame ya being pissed op , l'd never leave my woman stuck that time of night especially only 15mins away and me doing nothing else anyway. Ha , maybe l'm a softy haha.  But eh , if she wanted to solve the problem herself , wouldn't argue with that either, great l don't have to get of my arse haha , fine with me.

Edited August 16, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, chillii said:

l'm surprised he didn't even bother especially being only 15minus , jezuz.

lt's nothing to do with being your hero , l dunno where women get some of their men ideas from, blows my mind. lf you went to help him would that be about being his hero ?  Ahhh, l doubt it.  lt's about being there for each other . l don't blame ya being pissed op , l'd never leave my woman stuck that time of night especially only 15mins away and me doing nothing else anyway. Ha , maybe l'm a softy haha.  But eh , if she wanted to solve the problem herself , wouldn't argue with that either, great l don't have to get of my arse haha , fine with me.

I got my "hero" ideas from my boyfriends themselves. 

Fortunately, I am quite self-sufficient and continue handling things on my own when I can.  Including joining AAA so I don't have to burden my boyfriends with car troubles when they'd rather be doing something else.

That said, like I said the OP did nothing wrong by asking her boyfriend for help.  Many boyfriends would love nothing more than to help.

But she said he's been selfish in other ways.  If she's not happy, then either talk to him or break up.

 

 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Sahanna]

42 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Like what?   This makes a difference, because it sounds like you are unhappy in the RL and that would definitely have a bearing on how you are reacting to this.

In what other ways has he been selfish in your relationship?

It's rarely just one thing that sets us off, but a combination of behaviors, over time.

 

He has walked out on me when he's gotten angry over tiny things and I've walked home alone at night. We live in a very walkable community so we walk a lot of places rather than drive. He left me at a club one night at 2am on the street, I just called Uber to go home, but the problem is that he left me and had no regard for my well being. I of course just called an Uber in a few instances and walked home another time as the restaurant was fairly close. It's the lack of concern I think that bothers me. I have to take the blame for allowing someone to be so comfortable with this type of behavior. He has learned how to treat me based on what I have accepted. So him telling me to scan the parking lot for a friendly face wouldn't seem too bad based on what I've put up with in the past. But I've grown tired of it and even though this may not seem like a relationship ender I think it is. it' just the final straw. So it's not really even about him not coming to jump my car, it's more about this being consistent bad behavior. I guess I just don't feel like he's reliable and at any moment I could be abandoned, whether the situation is actually safe or not. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Sahanna said:

He has walked out on me when he's gotten angry over tiny things and I've walked home alone at night. We live in a very walkable community so we walk a lot of places rather than drive. He left me at a club one night at 2am on the street, I just called Uber to go home, but the problem is that he left me and had no regard for my well being. I of course just called an Uber in a few instances and walked home another time as the restaurant was fairly close. It's the lack of concern I think that bothers me. I have to take the blame for allowing someone to be so comfortable with this type of behavior. He has learned how to treat me based on what I have accepted. So him telling me to scan the parking lot for a friendly face wouldn't seem too bad based on what I've put up with in the past. But I've grown tired of it and even though this may not seem like a relationship ender I think it is. it' just the final straw. So it's not really even about him not coming to jump my car, it's more about this being consistent bad behavior. I guess I just don't feel like he's reliable and at any moment I could be abandoned, whether the situation is actually safe or not. 

Okay fair enough, now this makes more sense!!  May I ask why you are still dating him? 

Re bolded, notwithstanding this recent car battery situation, why you have accepted such poor treatment?   That's on you, you know that, right?

I think you should reconsider remaining in this RL, what you describe above does not sound loving or caring at all.

In fact, the opposite.

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Sahanna]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You are right, there is certainly nothing "wrong" with asking your partner to help with such things, I don't think anyone, including myself and @stillafoolsaid there was.

Speaking for myself, I simply gave my opinion on what I would have done and something for you to consider going forward to avoid the disappointment and possible drama. 

Your reactions are your reactions, your feelings are your feelings, to which you are entitled, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings/reactions.

The question was are you "over-reacting"?

Well that depends.  Are you punishing your boyfriend now for disappointing you?  For not coming to your aid like you expected?  Did you start an argument, or pouting, not speaking to him?

If so, then to me that would be an over-reaction.  If not, then not an over-reaction.  Just disappointment which is OK.

I asked earlier, in what others ways do you feel he was being selfish?   Again, it's rarely just one behaviour, but a combination of behaviors, over time.

Are you happy in this relationship?

 

I didn't start an argument or pout. When I got home he asked what happened and I told him that I got a jump for a police officer and that the battery is dead as the car died again in the garage after I turned it off. I wasn't particularly conversational after that to be honest thought. He is the type who will take me saying "It bothered me that you asked me to walk around a parking lot at night and find a friendly face to jump my car." He'd take that as a personal insult and start a huge fight, so I just said nothing as I didn't want to deal with it last night. But I have decided to ask him for a sit down because I do want to discuss not only this situation but others and how it makes me feel. I expect him to feel attacked and cause a fight, which he always does. I've made up my mind that if this is what happens and he isn't even open enough to listen to me express my feelings then there is no way forward. So we will see, but I'm nearly 100% sure I'm right about what to expect. 

[poppyfields]

Just now, Sahanna said:

I didn't start an argument or pout. When I got home he asked what happened and I told him that I got a jump for a police officer and that the battery is dead as the car died again in the garage after I turned it off. I wasn't particularly conversational after that to be honest thought. He is the type who will take me saying "It bothered me that you asked me to walk around a parking lot at night and find a friendly face to jump my car." He'd take that as a personal insult and start a huge fight, so I just said nothing as I didn't want to deal with it last night. But I have decided to ask him for a sit down because I do want to discuss not only this situation but others and how it makes me feel. I expect him to feel attacked and cause a fight, which he always does. I've made up my mind that if this is what happens and he isn't even open enough to listen to me express my feelings then there is no way forward. So we will see, but I'm nearly 100% sure I'm right about what to expect. 

How long have you been dating him?

[Sahanna]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay fair enough, now this makes more sense!!  May I ask why you are still dating him? 

Re bolded, why you have accepted such treatment?   That's on you, you know that, right?

I think you should reconsider remaining in this RL, what you describe does not sound loving or caring at all.

 

No Poppy, I don't think it is. He is a pleasant enough person as long as things are going his way. I mentioned to him the other day that it bothered me that when I asked him to wear a mask in enclosed spaces he wouldn't do it (we were getting on an elevator), he just flat out refused. I told him, he is completely inflexible regardless of how big or small the ask is, if it's something he doesn't want to do......AND a huge fight ensued. So I know another fight is on the way when I bring this up. But I've decided to stop accepting this behavior, I think it'll never change and will likely only get worse over time. 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Sahanna said:

 He is the type who will take me saying "It bothered me that you asked me to walk around a parking lot at night and find a friendly face to jump my car." He'd take that as a personal insult and start a huge fight,

Starting a huge fight over something like this is silly on his part.  

You seem to be good at expressing your feelings, so may I make a suggestion to improve this even further?  When discussing issues, try to leave the 'you' out of it as this is the word which makes it personal.  A better way would be "I felt scared and uncomfortable having to walk around a parking lot at night asking strangers for help".   Sure, being rational may be beyond him, but it's a great way to deal with issues in general.  

[Sahanna]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How long have you been dating him?

Nearly 4 years. I've wasted enough time and truthfully I am just unhappy. I always feel like an afterthought until he wants me to be a front and center and that just doesn't feel good. 

[Sahanna]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Starting a huge fight over something like this is silly on his part.  

You seem to be good at expressing your feelings, so may I make a suggestion to improve this even further?  When discussing issues, try to leave the 'you' out of it as this is the word which makes it personal.  A better way would be "I felt scared and uncomfortable having to walk around a parking lot at night asking strangers for help".   Sure, being rational may be beyond him, but it's a great way to deal with issues in general.  

It's a good place to start, thank you, but I honestly think it is too late for us. I am good at expressing myself, and I am patience and I try to understand the other person's point of view. I don't yell or scream as this only shuts down communication, but he doesn't seem to know any other way than to get angry and rant and rave and start with the insults and name calling. A lot has happened and sometimes it's just better to throw in the towel. I think I'm tired of trying and the event yesterday was small, but it was a straw that broke the camel's back type of moment. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by Sahanna

[poppyfields]

Just now, Sahanna said:

Nearly 4 years. I've wasted enough time and truthfully I am just unhappy. I always feel like an afterthought until he wants me to be a front and center and that just doesn't feel good. 

Oh wow, long time.   Yeah I agree you need a "heart to heart."  An open and honest dialogue.   Basil67 gave good advice re how to approach using "I" statements versus "you" statements however to some people it wouldn't matter, they would still feel attacked regardless.

And if that's the case, then imo it's NEXT.

I am so sorry it's come to this, remain strong and don't allow him to gaslight you which is quite common in my experience.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Sahanna said:

He is a pleasant enough person as long as things are going his way. I mentioned to him the other day that it bothered me that when I asked him to wear a mask in enclosed spaces he wouldn't do it (we were getting on an elevator), he just flat out refused. I told him, he is completely inflexible regardless of how big or small the ask is, if it's something he doesn't want to do......AND a huge fight ensued. So I know another fight is on the way when I bring this up. But I've decided to stop accepting this behavior, I think it'll never change and will likely only get worse over time. 

I just saw this now.   I'm not saying the following to attack you, rather I'm saying it so that you can better see the dynamic between the two of you and how you're both winding the other up.   I suspect  that you're already beyond frustrated with him and have stopped filtering.

 I'm not surprised that a fight ensued - you attacked him because he didn't agree with you.   Personally, I agree with you view of his choices, but when you told him that you wanted him to wear a mask and he refused, that should have been the end of the discussion.   Piling on to someone who's already made their view clear will only escalate a situation and, you guessed it, have them walk out on you.

Of course, that's not to say that you shouldn't go away and quietly think about the kind of man he is vs what you want.   I think you'd be better off without him, but  do have a look at your own conflict resolution skills.  

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by basil67

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Sahanna said:

It's a good place to start, thank you, but I honestly think it is too late for us. I am good at expressing myself, and I am patience and I try to understand the other person's point of view. I don't yell or scream as this only shuts down communication, but he doesn't seem to know any other way than to get angry and rant and rave and start with the insults and name calling. A lot has happened and sometimes it's just better to throw in the towel. I think I'm tired of trying and the event yesterday was small, but it was a straw the broke the camel's back type of moment. 

I agree and Sahanna, re bolded, this is verbal/mental abuse, do you realize that?  Yes it does take two to cause an argument but insults and name-calling is flat out unacceptable no matter how you slice it.

Yes, please leave, asap.   There is support out there if you need it.

 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Sahanna]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh wow, long time.   Yeah I agree you need a "heart to heart."  An open and honest dialogue.   Basil67 gave good advice re how to approach using "I" statements versus "you" statements however to some people it wouldn't matter, they would still feel attacked regardless.

And if that's the case, then imo it's NEXT.

I am so sorry it's come to this, remain strong and don't allow him to gaslight you which is quite common in my experience.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

Thank you all for responding to me, I do appreciate it. He will take anything no matter how I say it as a personal attack, but I will try it just to see what happens. I will keep you all posted. Thank you all again. 

[Sahanna]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I just saw this now.   I'm not saying the following to attack you, rather I'm saying it so that you can better see the dynamic between the two of you and how you're both winding the other up.    

 I'm not surprised that a fight ensued - you attacked him because he didn't agree with you.   Personally, I agree with you view of his choices, but when you told him that you wanted him to wear a mask and he refused, that should have been the end of the discussion.   Piling on to someone who's already made their view clear will only escalate a situation and, you guessed it, have them walk out on you.

Of course, that's not to say that you shouldn't go away and quietly think about the kind of man he is vs what you want.   I think you'd be better off without him, but use this situation to improve your conflict resolution skills.  

 

That's the thing, the mask thing, I let it go. I didn't bring it up until much later after we were back at home. I didn't try to force him to do it, but it did bother me because any tiny thing I ask of him, if he disagrees he will simply not budge, no matter what how small it is. There was more to the conversation that what I posted, but that was the jist of it. However if he asks me something and I disagree, it's the end of the world. It just seems unfair that I should have to be flexible and bend, which I don't mind if he would also do the same thing, but he does not. 

[Sahanna]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree and Sahanna, re bolded, this is verbal/mental abuse, do you realize that?  Yes it does take two to cause an argument but insults and name-calling is flat out unacceptable no matter how you slice it.

Yes, please leave, asap.   There is support out there if you need it.

 

 

Yes, I do realize. I have been in therapy and we even broke up for a while and I fell for the "I've changed, things will be different bit." It seems we are now right back at square one and I feel like a fool for falling for it. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by Sahanna

[Weezy1973]

If an isolated incident I’d say you were overreacting. Especially considering from your post, you didn’t even ask him to come help. It’s not like he refused to come, he just didn’t offer.

 

That being said, given your history with him, this just seems like the final straw in a long string of incidents….so the reaction is understandable.

Edited August 17, 2021 by Weezy1973