Can physical attraction grow over time?

[Caauug]

8 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

let's call him Michael. We never DTR, so in the meantime I was also seeing another guy (that I liked way more) but this last one wanted to stop seeing me because he was older and our future intentions were too different. I was blue for a few days but then I recovered. 

Michael is your second pick, your first pick dumped you. Michael didn't DTR, (define the relationship) or didn't set boundaries for you. You lost respect for him straight away. He is easy, organizes everything, does all the hard work, pays for your ride etc. you show up and only kiss him for all his efforts. You see him as a "Nice Guy" and nice guys finish last. Nice guys are easy catches, you don't have to chaise them and they end up being viewed as low value because of that. Yes, he treats you nice, too nice for what you are bringing into the relationship, that is why you don't value him or you are not attracted to him. He's a push over and likely has you on a pedestal, that in it's self is unattractive to you. He has put you as the centre of his life, that's not what you need or want.

Don't take these comments as an attack, I am only trying to explain what type of man Michael is and why you are not attracted to him. Attraction is not always in your face physical, underlining psychology can make anyone ugly.

IMO you will never value him. You will never (even with fixed teeth) find him attractive. He is trying to win your heart by treating you nicely but in reality making himself more un-attractive to you. It's not nice to just use people. Let him go and heal. Find someone you are attracted to. 

 

 

[Amanda141]

I read everything, thank you all for helping me. 
I’m meeting him next week and I’ll see what to do. Probably, the best is to break up with him... but, how would you do that? A lot of times I was the one “left” and I know it can be very painful. I don’t want him to suffer...

what would you say?

 

thanks

[Amanda141]

10 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

Do you feel that you want to kiss him or hug him? Can you imagine having sex with him?

I had an ugly boyfriend, but I felt chemistry. I couldn't stop kissing him and looking in his eyes even if my friends told me that I am too pretty for him.

Kissing him is okay. Honestly I didn’t feel the sex vibe (yet?) - one time I turned him down but I don’t know if it was because I didn’t feel like it that night or, most probably, because I am attracted enough...

[Alpacalia]

Sounds like a bust if you're not feeling sexual attraction after two months.

I can understand maybe the first date but not two months.

[Amanda141]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

No, I don't think attraction will grow at this point. You've hung out a lot with him and given it time to emerge. You like him and connect with him but still feel nothing. 

You have to break up. He's thinking you are as into him as he is into you. He's planning all these dates. Look, there is nothing cruel about it: it's kinda random. But yes, some people are wonderful and they make us feel great and we like them and we can have a decent time going out with them--and that does NOT mean we are attracted to them. Doesn't. Dating would be so much easier it did.

Yes, attraction can grow, but that is usually when you are NOT dating someone and hoping it will grow. It can grow say with a work colleague who over time you get to know better and better and you share a lot and one day ... something can shift. But that only happens to me when I'm NOT dating the person and when I'm not hoping or willing for attraction to emerge. 

"No butterflies" is apparently a sign for you. Trust that. 

Yes, you have to dump this guy. Here's a consolation: if you continued, and if he's reasonably attentive, he would notice at some point your lack of attraction. And boy, there is nothing more painful than being in a serious relationship with someone who is not attracted to you. I was in a relationship like that and OMG, there was this emptiness in the center of it from my end. I just thought she was distant. She finally came clean. It hurt (you don't have to spell it out like my ex did), hurt like hell and was totally liberating and a great thing this ex did. I sensed something was missing, but yes, she really liked me so I had trouble nailing down what it was. 

The sooner you drop him the better. Seriously, you are doing him a favor by preventing him from getting too attached and allowing him to skip you and go find someone else who is attracted to him. Given how you describe his personality, there will be women out there into him. Release him so he can find one of them. 

 

Thanks for sharing your story. How would you suggest breaking up? I don’t want him to suffer

thanks

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Probably, the best is to break up with him... but, how would you do that? I don’t want him to suffer...

Ok. It's good you are recognizing a lack of attraction after just 60 days dating.

"Hurting him" would be stringing him along like this any further and stalling him out from meeting women who do like him.

Yes set him and yourself free. Just be honest and kind. You don't have to mention lack of attraction per se just tell him you're not a match. 

It's always best to use a variation of the "it's me, not you" explanation. Because in fact it is you, he's not defective you're just not into it.

So you can simply state that your not ready for a relationship.

It sounds like you're on the rebound from the last guy anyway and just dating to fill space. True?

 

Edited August 17, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Do you think physical attraction can grow over time? What would you do if you were me? I guess the right thing would be to leave him (how?) but I am nervous I could regret it as it's rare to find gentlemen like him.

For some, the only way it works is for attraction to grow over time.  You got that to a mild extent.  At the start of that 1st lunch you thought you would never see him again but you went on to have a lovely time so you agreed to keep seeing him. 

That said, it never turned into lust.  There is a reason you two haven't slept together.  He just doesn't float your boat & at this point probably never will.  This you owe it to him to let him go so he can find somebody for whom he will be the dream guy.  It sounds like he has many wonderful qualities even if objective good looks aren't one of them.  

 

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

How would you suggest breaking up? I don’t want him to suffer

It's sweet of you to consider his feelings but there are no magic words that will sugar coat a break up to the point where rejection doesn't hurt.  It's cruel to be kind so do not give him false hope.  Instead say something along the lines of 

I had time to reflect on my recent holiday & have come to the conclusion that this isn't working for me.  You are a great guy but you are not my great guy.  I'm sorry & I wish you well but it's best if we don't do this any more.  

Do not elaborate on your lack of attraction or anything else.  If you make this about his teeth, he will show up on your doorstep next week with new braces, thinking that will fix everything.  Stick to your guns & the clichés.  

[smackie9]

Honestly I only became fond of someone while NOT dating them, and that took possibly months, years. I tried the date and see method but their feelings far out exceeded mine and it broke their heart. Not worth it.

[Lotsgoingon]

6 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Thanks for sharing your story. How would you suggest breaking up? I don’t want him to suffer

thanks

Breakups are inherently painful. Your question reminds me of people trying to soft-pedal death. No matter how you announce death of a loved one, whether smiling, gently, loud--NONE of that matters. 

But you're not dealing with death or anything as devastating.

"Hi X, I have had a good time since meeting you. I think you are a wonderful, thoughtful, kind person (btw: this is the announcement of bad news to come). But after thinking about my time with you, I unfortunately do not see a romantic future with you. I'm sure this may come as a shock to you, but I want to be honest about my feelings. That's the only way to be fair to me and to you."

Oh, what I learned after being dumped by someone who wasn't really into me (actually two people like that) was that when women are into me, they will gratuitously and repeatedly make it clear how happy they are, how lucky, the feel.  And there's just a certain extra energy of joy in their voice. So if I'm having a great time on dates with a woman, but she doesn't drop random "that was wonderful" or "you are wonderful" lines--either in person or via text--and if I can't just hear the excitement in their voice about time with me and about me, then usually that means they are having second thoughts about dating me. 

To add this up: I would bet you have not repeatedly told him how great it is to spend time with him (this is different from saying you enjoyed a date). And just your body language when with him. When people want to be with us, they will touch us in really attentive ways--without the least effort on their part. So your signs have been there. Good opportunity for him to learn how to read signs like yours. 

Now, let's say he is incredulous and stunned. Do NOT go into detail as to the why. Do NOT talk about his looks or his face. If you have to say something, just repeat, "I'm not feeling the romantic chemistry to sustain a relationship."

BTW: your announce HAS TO HURT somewhat. If it doesn't hurt, then the message hasn't gone across. But you haven't betrayed him. He hurts as we all hurt when people break up with us or don't have the romantic interest is us as we do in them. That's OK. That's not cruelty. Yes, he will feel sad. But you didn't MAKE HIM feel sad. There's a difference.

Romance is risky because our hearts can and will be broken. That's OK. His feelings are his business. We do not owe romantic interest to anyone. We don't. We owe ourselves and the other person some real honesty and integrity. 

Here's the gift to him: he'll be hurt and all of that, but over time, he will have a chance to think about things and to notice that you were not turned on by him. That's a really key thing to be able to notice: the difference between politeness and some fun and real romantic interest. Success in romance often hinges on the ability to not  waste time with people who aren't turned on by us. 

Good luck. 

Edited August 17, 2021 by Lotsgoingon
update a point

[Miss Spider]

For me it’s never gone from 0 -100 but it can definitely grow if I hadn’t even entertained the thought ( this happened once with a guy I never looked at that “way” until I did and he became the sexiest thing ever) OR but it can “grow” from like 50-70 or 60-90 with the right personality. A basic foundation for attraction needs to be there though. There are guys who are just blanket not my physical type 

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Honestly I only became fond of someone while NOT dating them, and that took possibly months, years. I tried the date and see method but their feelings far out exceeded mine and it broke their heart. Not worth it.

Yea that’s really weird but it’s been similar for me too. Like I hadn’t even thought about dating them then one day I was like ‘hmmm they’re kind of fine’

[Amanda141]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Breakups are inherently painful. Your question reminds me of people trying to soft-pedal death. No matter how you announce death of a loved one, whether smiling, gently, loud--NONE of that matters. 

But you're not dealing with death or anything as devastating.

"Hi X, I have had a good time since meeting you. I think you are a wonderful, thoughtful, kind person (btw: this is the announcement of bad news to come). But after thinking about my time with you, I unfortunately do not see a romantic future with you. I'm sure this may come as a shock to you, but I want to be honest about my feelings. That's the only way to be fair to me and to you."

Oh, what I learned after being dumped by someone who wasn't really into me (actually two people like that) was that when women are into me, they will gratuitously and repeatedly make it clear how happy they are, how lucky, the feel.  And there's just a certain extra energy of joy in their voice. So if I'm having a great time on dates with a woman, but she doesn't drop random "that was wonderful" or "you are wonderful" lines--either in person or via text--and if I can't just hear the excitement in their voice about time with me and about me, then usually that means they are having second thoughts about dating me. 

To add this up: I would bet you have not repeatedly told him how great it is to spend time with him (this is different from saying you enjoyed a date). And just your body language when with him. When people want to be with us, they will touch us in really attentive ways--without the least effort on their part. So your signs have been there. Good opportunity for him to learn how to read signs like yours. 

Now, let's say he is incredulous and stunned. Do NOT go into detail as to the why. Do NOT talk about his looks or his face. If you have to say something, just repeat, "I'm not feeling the romantic chemistry to sustain a relationship."

BTW: your announce HAS TO HURT somewhat. If it doesn't hurt, then the message hasn't gone across. But you haven't betrayed him. He hurts as we all hurt when people break up with us or don't have the romantic interest is us as we do in them. That's OK. That's not cruelty. Yes, he will feel sad. But you didn't MAKE HIM feel sad. There's a difference.

Romance is risky because our hearts can and will be broken. That's OK. His feelings are his business. We do not owe romantic interest to anyone. We don't. We owe ourselves and the other person some real honesty and integrity. 

Here's the gift to him: he'll be hurt and all of that, but over time, he will have a chance to think about things and to notice that you were not turned on by him. That's a really key thing to be able to notice: the difference between politeness and some fun and real romantic interest. Success in romance often hinges on the ability to not  waste time with people who aren't turned on by us. 

Good luck. 

Thank you so much for the time you dedicated to me! Your piece of advice is extremely helpful. I will definitely tell him something like this.

Your message made me reflect a lot, thanks again.

[Amanda141]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea that’s really weird but it’s been similar for me too. Like I hadn’t even thought about dating them then one day I was like ‘hmmm they’re kind of fine’

yes I can imagine... but I think it would be fair enough to date someone who we think is "wow" rather than "kind of fine" - that's why I will most likely leave this guy... I just  can't force myself to like him 

[Miss Spider]

Just now, Amanda141 said:

yes I can imagine... but I think it would be fair enough to date someone who we think is "wow" rather than "kind of fine" - that's why I will most likely leave this guy... I just  can't force myself to like him 

Yea I feel you on that. It sucks when they have a great personality but the attraction is just not there. It’s really hard. Once I was in similar boat, like he was so funny, everything about him was awesome, but I could not get into him physically ..  he was just not my cup of tea