Can physical attraction grow over time?

[Amanda141]

Ciao guys and girls!

For almost two months I (24F) have been casually dating a guy (26M) met on Tinder - let's call him Michael. We never DTR, so in the meantime I was also seeing another guy (that I liked way more) but this last one wanted to stop seeing me because he was older and our future intentions were too different. I was blue for a few days but then I recovered. 

So, as of now I am dating just Michael and I think he is doing the same...but I am not quite sure about my feelings. As soon as I saw him on our first date in late June, I didn't find him very good-looking... I didn't feel attracted to him, If I have to be honest. It was a lunch date and I frankly thought "Damn, now I have to spend at least 1-1.5 hours with him! ". But unconsciously, since maybe I assumed that I was never going to see him again, I was completely myself. 100% myself! Often times on first dates I am nervous, uptight, tense...always double thinking about what I say and this can result in lack of spontaneity. But this time, it was the opposite: I was relaxed and I felt at ease, like I was at lunch with a friend whom I had known from years. I also discovered that this guy, even if he wasn't the most handsome boy in the world, was actually really amusing, intelligent and witty. I had a great time, I discovered we had many things in common (similar job, we both studied abroad and now we are living in yet another country...). What began as a "NO" turned out to be a "Maybe"... 

At the end of the date he said he wanted to see me again and accompanied me to the station. Honestly I thought that was a pleasant lunch but I wasn't willing to proactively text him and organise another date. "If he texts me, I'll see, otherwise I am happy like this"- I thought. He ended up texting me, and since I had no plans for the night he asked me out, I said "why not?" and went on a second date with him. On the first date I told him my favourite neighbourhood of the city and he arranged the date exactly there, adding "let's go there because I know you love it!" - I thought it was cute. We had a wonderful night with loads of joke (I am Italian and he is English and since last month our countries played against one another during Euro2020 final, we made a lot of banter). Before leaving, he asked if he could "kiss me goodnight" and briefly exchanged our first kiss.

We kept meeting for the whole month of July, just before I left for my holidays. Honestly I don't know why I kept seeing him. Probably because I live in a city which I don't feel mine and where I don't know that many people... I have my wonderful colleagues and flatmate, but apart from them I didn't have the chance to meet many friends because of COVID. Probably also because I met many guys in the past we showed interest just in my body and made me feel like an object, while I felt he likes me in general, both for the outside and for the inside.

I am torn because, even he is thoughful, considerate and shares many other positive aspects, I am still not attracted to him. No, I don't find him attractive. He is tall and with a nice body, but I don't really like his face (sorry if I sound superficial and trivial). I am not Angelina Jolie but I think I am a pretty girl and also many of my friends said that I could do better than him. However, he has treated me like a princess, showing me that he really cares about my person. Here are some examples:

• He clearly said he is looking for a serious relationship (and that is my goal as well)
• I work for a cosmetic company, and while talking he said "my sister loves makeup, you should meet her! I am sure the two of you will get along so well" (his sister lives in England while we are in Germany)
• We talked about our parents (their names, their job ecc)
• He always asked to meet me (I asked him just once) - he even organised a picnic in a park (he lives in the other part of the city and he cycled half an hour carrying all the food and everything we needed for the picnic) 
• He organised a super romantic last meeting before leaving for holidays: we went to a park to see the sunset, then he booked a table in a fancy Italian restaurant (knowing I love this kind of food). Later he asked me if I wanted to go to his place for one last drink (of course I knew what it meant). However, while we were kissing, he suggested going to the bedroom BUT I declined saying that I didn't feel like it (which was the truth) and he said no problem, that he understands me and I can take my time. Afterwards he paid for my uber and we kept texting as usual. Bear in mind that this happened at the end of July, a month after our first date. He has been very patient, a quality not often found in guys nowadays.
• I am returning from my holidays on Saturday, while he returned a few days ago and said that "he's waiting for me in the city" and "for sure I am looking great"
• We have been texting during our holidays, but he was never clingy - always behaving like a gentleman and making me feel like a princess
• I can be myself with him, with no filters between what I think and what I do - we genuinely laugh a lot when we are together

In the last days, I have been thinking more about Michael but simply because last week, here on holiday, I met a guy with whom I had a summer story last year in this place. It was not a date, but just a reunion (he now has a girlfriend and nothing happened) - but just seeing and hugging him after one whole year made me feel butterflies in the stomach. I even cried of commotion... I was full of emotions, it's a feeling that cannot be described with words. I don't have feeling for this guy anymore, but it was emotional to go down memory lane (last year I was completely smitten). We had to break up because we live in two different countries and we don't like long-distance, however we remained in contact. 

With Michael, I never felt like this. I never counted down the days to see him, I never had butterflies in my stomach, but then I think "where can I find another guy who treats me like this?" - Writing this I realise that perhaps I am just afraid of being alone and I lack the courage to deal with the truth, i.e. that we are not made for each other. Unfortunately, I never had a serious relationship (I moved countries many times and then COVID came ) and this has always been a big desire for me.

Do you think physical attraction can grow over time? What would you do if you were me? I guess the right thing would be to leave him (how?) but I am nervous I could regret it as it's rare to find gentlemen like him.

 

Thank you in advance

 

Amanda 

 

[stillafool]

Yes I do think it can grow especially if he has a nice body and he's tall.  If he's great in bed it can definitely grow.  Once I dated a guy who was completely not my type.  He was tall and very overweight.  I went out with him a few times and ended up having sex with him.  OMG, the sex was so great it sent me on a 7 month obsession over that guy that me nor my friends could believe.  In the end he ended up cheating on me and broke my heart.  So yes, attraction can grow or at least in my case it did.

[Amanda141]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes I do think it can grow especially if he has a nice body and he's tall.  If he's great in bed it can definitely grow.  Once I dated a guy who was completely not my type.  He was tall and very overweight.  I went out with him a few times and ended up having sex with him.  OMG, the sex was so great it sent me on a 7 month obsession over that guy that me nor my friends could believe.  In the end he ended up cheating on me and broke my heart.  So yes, attraction can grow or at least in my case it did.

Thanks for sharing your story.

We still didn’t sleep together (or done anything sexual). Almost two months of dating and just kissing he’s a saint lol

if I have to be transparent, his teeth are a turnoff for me, I wish he could wear braces  he is also very clean, tidy and takes care of himself. 
 

[salparadise]

5 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Do you think physical attraction can grow over time?

Yes, but the hangovers are hell, then you have to start all over the next morning.

Not being super attracted (physically)  is one thing, but being decidedly unattracted is something else. The latter I wouldn’t recommend. It also depends a lot on you — if you’re hot and superficial, then keep on optimizing until you get  the best looking man you’ve ever seen. Just keep your fingers crossed that he feels the same, and can ignore all those other optimizers throwing themselves at him. 

 
 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

if I have to be transparent, his teeth are a turnoff for me,

Does he have a nice face otherwise?  Because if so, he can get braces to straighten his teeth.

Edited August 16, 2021 by stillafool

[Amanda141]

2 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Yes, but the hangovers are hell, then you have to start all over the next morning.

Not being super attracted (physically)  is one thing, but being decidedly unattracted is something else. The latter I wouldn’t recommend. It also depends a lot on you — if you’re hot and superficial, then keep on optimizing until you get  the best looking man you’ve ever seen. Just keep your fingers crossed that he feels the same, and can ignore all those other optimizers throwing themselves at him. 

 
 

Honestly speaking I think I am out of his league but of course I know that looks are not the only thing that matters. My ideal man has to be faithful, thoughtful, loving, intelligent... 

[Amanda141]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Does he have a nice face otherwise?  Because if so, he can get braces to straighten his teeth.

Yes, if he got braces he could improve a lot! He told me he actually was wearing them in his teenager years, but then had a rugby accident and had to remove them. He told me he was immature cause he didn’t want to wear them again, but feels now it’s too late 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Yes, if he got braces he could improve a lot! He told me he actually was wearing them in his teenager years, but then had a rugby accident and had to remove them. He told me he was immature cause he didn’t want to wear them again, but feels now it’s too late 

Did you tell him about the invisable ones they advertise on tv?  It's never too late to fix your smile.

[glows]

No. He could be St Michael the Archangel. If he is not doing it for you, let him go. The guy deserves to be a with a woman who is into him as he is, the entire person. You too should aim for more. If you have an inkling that you're afraid of being alone or are settling, you probably are. 

[Amanda141]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you tell him about the invisable ones they advertise on tv?  It's never too late to fix your smile.

I’ll def tell him, thanks for the suggestion! Coming back to your previous answer, why did you decide to keep seeing the overweight guy if he was not your type? (Before knowing he was good in bed)  

[DKT3]

I believe, particularly for women,  that attractions grows when a guy treats them well.  However,  in your case, I don't believe you are mature enough to not dwell on his shortcomings. 

I'm troubled by you saying you're out of his league,  by you stating that, it leads me to believe that its likely opposite. 

I say in your case chase the butterflies of hot guys. In 10 years you're going to be thinking "what if" about the guy who treated you well.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I’ll def tell him, thanks for the suggestion! Coming back to your previous answer, why did you decide to keep seeing the overweight guy if he was not your type? (Before knowing he was good in bed)  

Well he was a musician (guitar) and he played so beautifully I had to give him a chance.  Plus I was in between relationships at the time and thought why not.

[Amanda141]

2 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I believe, particularly for women,  that attractions grows when a guy treats them well.  However,  in your case, I don't believe you are mature enough to not dwell on his shortcomings. 

I'm troubled by you saying you're out of his league,  by you stating that, it leads me to believe that its likely opposite. 

I say in your case chase the butterflies of hot guys. In 10 years you're going to be thinking "what if" about the guy who treated you well.

Sorry, I didn’t want to sound superficial by saying “I’m out of his league” - I just meant it looks-wise.  He is a wonderful person and I am far from being perfect.

I do agree with you. I think I chase the butterflies, but I am generally not attracted by guys who only have their looks and nothing inside their brain. In the past, I turned down a very handsome guy because even if he was really good looking (like a model), we just didn’t click and I found him boring. I am trying to find a guy that I like physically and that also treats me like a lady, but it’s not easy  

[DKT3]

In long-term relationships attraction isn't a constant,  it comes and goes. 

My point with you is I believe that you will be so focused on his shortcomings that you will never allow attraction to grow. If you continue with this guy I believe it will become increasingly difficult to walk away, which would lead you to be posting in another section of this site. 

[Amanda141]

2 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

In long-term relationships attraction isn't a constant,  it comes and goes. 

My point with you is I believe that you will be so focused on his shortcomings that you will never allow attraction to grow. If you continue with this guy I believe it will become increasingly difficult to walk away, which would lead you to be posting in another section of this site. 

So do you suggest leaving him? Or trying to keep seeing him trying to focus on his bright sides? 

[Amanda92]

Do you feel that you want to kiss him or hug him? Can you imagine having sex with him?

I had an ugly boyfriend, but I felt chemistry. I couldn't stop kissing him and looking in his eyes even if my friends told me that I am too pretty for him.

[DKT3]

What I'm saying is, if he treats you well and he isn't unattractive you have a foundation for a lasting relationship.  I fear that you will continue with him because he treats you well and down the road still get involved with a guy that fits your image of what you're looking for. 

Staying or going is a decision only you can make.  If you stay at least give him the honesty he deserves, so he can make a decision for himself. 

[DKT3]

8 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

Do you feel that you want to kiss him or hug him? Can you imagine having sex with him?

I had an ugly boyfriend, but I felt chemistry. I couldn't stop kissing him and looking in his eyes even if my friends told me that I am too pretty for him.

I think you need new friends,  they sound awful 

[Amanda92]

12 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

What I'm saying is, if he treats you well and he isn't unattractive you have a foundation for a lasting relationship.  I fear that you will continue with him because he treats you well and down the road still get involved with a guy that fits your image of what you're looking for. 

Staying or going is a decision only you can make.  If you stay at least give him the honesty he deserves, so he can make a decision for himself. 

Would you like to be with a guy/girl that isn't attracted to you? For me it sounds like using someone because of his attention. She doesn't feel anything.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Amanda92

[DKT3]

2 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

Would you like to be with a guy/girl that isn't attracted to you?

Again,  attraction is conditional. I've been with my wife since we were 17, in the near 30 years since I've not always been attracted to her. Same for her. I've heard countless stories of couples my age who were not attracted to one another in the beginning. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Do you think physical attraction can grow over time? What would you do if you were me? I guess the right thing would be to leave him (how?)

 

Yes it can, but if it hasn’t yet it probably won’t. If I were you I would break up with him. Also you’re still quite young, and haven’t mentioned anything about wanting to settle down and have a family. In fact with your country hopping it sounds like just the opposite. If you were looking for a husband and a father of your children, he might be a better fit. But if that were the case, those other qualities would probably outweigh the superficial in terms of your attraction.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Weezy1973

[spiderowl]

Yes Amanda, I do think physical attraction can grow over time.  I think it depends if you are just not attracted initially or if you are physically repelled (the latter is more difficult).   If you are going to judge your date by what your friends think though, then that is not good.  You are the best judge of the kind of person you want in your life.

This guy clearly likes you a lot and is putting a lot of effort into making you happy.

Just one question for you:  If someone said to you, 'Michael has met someone else and has chosen to date her instead of you', how would you feel?  Would you feel sad at losing a friend or much more?  Something to think about.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

No, I don't think attraction will grow at this point. You've hung out a lot with him and given it time to emerge. You like him and connect with him but still feel nothing. 

You have to break up. He's thinking you are as into him as he is into you. He's planning all these dates. Look, there is nothing cruel about it: it's kinda random. But yes, some people are wonderful and they make us feel great and we like them and we can have a decent time going out with them--and that does NOT mean we are attracted to them. Doesn't. Dating would be so much easier it did.

Yes, attraction can grow, but that is usually when you are NOT dating someone and hoping it will grow. It can grow say with a work colleague who over time you get to know better and better and you share a lot and one day ... something can shift. But that only happens to me when I'm NOT dating the person and when I'm not hoping or willing for attraction to emerge. 

"No butterflies" is apparently a sign for you. Trust that. 

Yes, you have to dump this guy. Here's a consolation: if you continued, and if he's reasonably attentive, he would notice at some point your lack of attraction. And boy, there is nothing more painful than being in a serious relationship with someone who is not attracted to you. I was in a relationship like that and OMG, there was this emptiness in the center of it from my end. I just thought she was distant. She finally came clean. It hurt (you don't have to spell it out like my ex did), hurt like hell and was totally liberating and a great thing this ex did. I sensed something was missing, but yes, she really liked me so I had trouble nailing down what it was. 

The sooner you drop him the better. Seriously, you are doing him a favor by preventing him from getting too attached and allowing him to skip you and go find someone else who is attracted to him. Given how you describe his personality, there will be women out there into him. Release him so he can find one of them. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

For me…physical attraction develops overtime with her. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

No, I don't think attraction will grow at this point. You've hung out a lot with him and given it time to emerge. You like him and connect with him but still feel nothing.

Totally agree. 

I think if you already find a person attractive, then they tend to become even more appealing over time as the relationship develops. But if it's not there from the get-go? 

No, it won't work. You can't manufacture physical attraction that just isn't there. You have tried dating him and you still don't feel it. It doesn't make sense to continue, because you will almost surely find yourself constantly having to "convince" yourself to be with him. You will likely not be be able to really get your head and heart into it as you just don't see him that way. Just wait until you get in bed with him. It will probably go very poorly because you won't really feel sexual desire - and trust me, he will notice. 

Waiting and hoping he gets braces is silly. That won't fix this, nor should he need to modify himself that much just to maybe increase his attractiveness to you. How would you feel if the guy you were dating thought you were lovely, but man, could she stand to lose a few inches around her gut! Or if she'd just make her ears not stick out quite so much. Or increase her bust line a bit. See what I mean? 

I would let him go. There will be other women who are into him; you're just not one of them. 

Edited August 17, 2021 by ExpatInItaly