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Girl is scared of relationship but we obviously both have feelings for eachother

Dillon609

By Dillon609
in Dating

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Dillon609 New Member

Dillon609

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Posted

So there is this girl that I met about 2 months ago that I started talking to. Wasn’t exactly looking for someone just kind of happened and now we’ve been talking every day since, and hanging out a couple days a week. Once we got really comfortable, I thought I would try to ask her if she wanted to make it a little more serious, and the answer I got was basically a no for now because relationships scare her and she doesn’t know if she’s ready. I do know that she had a bad past relationship experience, so I’m thinking that is what is pushing her away from dating. We still talk every day and we still hang out. Actually just a few days ago I picked her up from a party even though she could of stayed, she wanted me to come get her. We ended up sleeping in the same bed together and by the morning she was basically sleeping on me and we were cuddling together all morning. So anyway what I’m asking is how do you think I should go about this to make her realize it doesn’t have to be scary to be In a relationship. Another thing I forgot to say is that I am the most non controlling person Ever. As long as you are loyal to me, I am not strict in a relationship. I think she’s just scared that it would turn out like her last one and she would get hurt. But I don’t wanna let this one go because I really really want us to work out

Daisydooks Established Member

Daisydooks

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Dillon609 said:

So there is this girl that I met about 2 months ago that I started talking to. Wasn’t exactly looking for someone just kind of happened and now we’ve been talking every day since, and hanging out a couple days a week. Once we got really comfortable, I thought I would try to ask her if she wanted to make it a little more serious, and the answer I got was basically a no for now because relationships scare her and she doesn’t know if she’s ready. I do know that she had a bad past relationship experience, so I’m thinking that is what is pushing her away from dating. We still talk every day and we still hang out. Actually just a few days ago I picked her up from a party even though she could of stayed, she wanted me to come get her. We ended up sleeping in the same bed together and by the morning she was basically sleeping on me and we were cuddling together all morning. So anyway what I’m asking is how do you think I should go about this to make her realize it doesn’t have to be scary to be In a relationship. Another thing I forgot to say is that I am the most non controlling person Ever. As long as you are loyal to me, I am not strict in a relationship. I think she’s just scared that it would turn out like her last one and she would get hurt. But I don’t wanna let this one go because I really really want us to work out

Keep things light in the early days, continue to date and dont put pressure on her to be exlusive. Why are you in a rush to lock her down? Seems like this will grow organically if you just relax and allow it

  • Like 5
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

Sounds like she might be fearful avoidant.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

Keep her out of your bed unless sex is on the table. Being someones cuddle buddy is the kiss of death. You become their emotional tampon. It doesn't progress to a relationship ever. I wouldn't go pick her up or do anything for her like that or you are going to put yourself into the friends zone if you do. If they say no they are scared, keep your distance a bit. This girl has the breaks on. 

Being afraid I think is a bit of bs...she's not too afraid to lay on top of you. I think she's lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy while she finds someone.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 4
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
55 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Keep things light in the early days, continue to date and dont put pressure on her to be exlusive. Why are you in a rush to lock her down? Seems like this will grow organically if you just relax and allow it

This ^.

OP I get you want this to work out, but that can often trip people up.  The tighter you try to hold to prevent her from leaving, the greater chance of her leaving!

Learn to let go a bit.  Detach from the outcome and enjoy the process, the journey.

 

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Dillon609 said:

So there is this girl that I met about 2 months ago that I started talking to. Wasn’t exactly looking for someone just kind of happened and now we’ve been talking every day since, and hanging out a couple days a week. Once we got really comfortable, I thought I would try to ask her if she wanted to make it a little more serious, and the answer I got was basically a no for now because relationships scare her and she doesn’t know if she’s ready. I do know that she had a bad past relationship experience, so I’m thinking that is what is pushing her away from dating. We still talk every day and we still hang out. Actually just a few days ago I picked her up from a party even though she could of stayed, she wanted me to come get her. We ended up sleeping in the same bed together and by the morning she was basically sleeping on me and we were cuddling together all morning. So anyway what I’m asking is how do you think I should go about this to make her realize it doesn’t have to be scary to be In a relationship. Another thing I forgot to say is that I am the most non controlling person Ever. As long as you are loyal to me, I am not strict in a relationship. I think she’s just scared that it would turn out like her last one and she would get hurt. But I don’t wanna let this one go because I really really want us to work out

If she's not ready for relationships, she shouldn't have gotten into your bed. She's a mess. You don't have to "make" anyone realize anything. It's not your job to spell things out if she's too damaged or fearful to be in a relationship again. Explore the need to do that or prove yourself to her. You don't. Since you've already asked her out on a date and she has declined, treat this as finished and move on to date other women. You are also not her chauffeur. 

  • Like 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
25 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 

Being afraid I think is a bit of bs...she's not too afraid to lay on top of you. I think she's lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy while she finds someone.

This is my thought too… another guy she really likes comes around watch how fast she gets courageous  lol 

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

All you can do is keep talking to her & dating her casually.  Some people are OK with the actions.  It's the word / label that scares them. She needs to see by your actions that you are worthy of her trust. 

Do not let her in your bed again unless you will be having sex.  Don't press for sex but make that line clear.  Platonic friends don't cuddle.   

Meanwhile you need to be talking to other girls.  If she balks at that remind her that she is the one who turned you down.  

  • Like 3
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Being someones cuddle buddy is the kiss of death. You become their emotional tampon.

Bingo. 

Don't be doing any of this unless she decides she would like to date you, OP.  Otherwise you risk becoming a convenient stand-in whenever she wants affection, without any sort of commitment to you. 

Draw a boundary there. 

  • Like 1
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Dillon609 said:

. Wasn’t exactly looking for someone just kind of happened and now we’ve been talking every day since, and hanging out a couple days a week.

How did you meet? Unfortunately this seems like the classic friendzoning.

Stop hanging out or playing chauffeur or textbuddy. You want sex, she wants a male-girlfriend. She's not attracted to you that way.

Step away from this and start talking to and meeting women who are interested in dating. Not damaged drama queens looking for cuddles but keeping you at arms length.

  • Like 1
Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

Posted
Posted

Everything above is correct.  She wasn't s friend.  BUT... if you are OK with a female friend... then that's ok too.   If you are looking for more... then date her... but be open to dating others.  Actually... that could be a way to get her to commit to you. Next time she calls for a ride... tell her you can't because you are out with someone else.   Yes... it could make her angry (jealous) and make her stop talking to you... or it could make her understand she will lose you if she doesn't move forward with a relationship. 

  • Like 2
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

If she is afraid of a relationship and you're at the point where you want one - then best to cut your losses.

She may care and be jealous if you start dating others but it won't bring her closer to you.

 

  • Like 2
vwisme Established Member

vwisme

Posted
Posted (edited)

This happened to me recently and I guarantee you the best you can do is detach from the outcome. 

In my situation (YMMV) I let her know I didn't want to be just friends but didn't want to rush into anything. If she was ever open to exploring more to hmu. She did later in time and it was a great time. Neither of us put pressure on the other and left space for the person to be fully and authentically themselves. 

Believe people when they tell you who they are. She's told you the honest truth so accept it. 

Also, I know you've stated you're the most non-controlling person ever but the way you're handling this situation is proving otherwise.

Edited by vwisme
  • Like 1
ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

Posted
Posted

Yeah, it sounds like pure friendzone.

The easiest way to keep someone in orbit is saying, "I am not ready for a relationship right now". It means not having to reject you while at the same time keeping you sniffing around fulfilling her need for companionship and if you call her on it, she can just say she told you so.

As far as her having a "bad past relationship", 99.9% of people had a relationship. If you are trying to date them because they are available, it means that they had a relationship that didn't work out. 90% of those will be viewed as 'bad relationships' so that's just a catch all, street sign directing you to the friend zone.

If I were you, I would forget your own, "I hope she comes around" and move on. You can hang with her and be her friend but if you want to date but she is occupying your time but not dating you, that is firmly in the friendzone. See her when you have time but focus more on dating others. If she comes around, great. Otherwise she'll keep you from not only dating her but from dating others and you'll feel like your spinning your wheels in mud and getting nowhere the whole time.

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