Responsible for elderly relative I am at odds with

[mario_C]

I know, I'm stupid for putting my trust in the internet...so finish me off, I guess.

She hasn't got to the point where she will need my live-in care yet, but it's going to happen. I'm constantly having panic attacks over this. I can't really work, or sleep or eat, because my whole life is worrying about this.

And it's my burden to bear alone. The family has walked away from us due to her long history of toxic behavior. And I'm all alone - no one to talk to, no career, nothing left for me.

Anyone else would have eaten a bullet by now. I'm wondering why I shouldn't, honestly.

[ShyViolet]

Is this your mother?

[d0nnivain]

Get some therapy.  Yes it is very stressful when you are a caregiver.  Care giver burn out is a real thing.  Join a support group.  You have to work & eat.  So don't let this continue to get the better of you.  You must take care of your own health.  Suicide is not the answer here. 

Even if other family members gave up on the toxic person, they haven't given up on you (unless I missed something & you are the toxic one).  Vent to them.  Ask for suggestions but implement there suggestions unless is is that you abandon the elderly person too. 

Try to find out what social services are available to the elderly person.  

[clia]

We need more info.  Why is it your burden?

Why should you stress yourself out to this level for a person who is toxic toward you?  You don't need to be a martyr,

Maybe you should have a "come to Jesus" moment with this person and let them know that if their toxic behavior continues, they are on their own.  

[mario_C]

8 hours ago, clia said:

We need more info.  Why is it your burden?

Why should you stress yourself out to this level for a person who is toxic toward you?  You don't need to be a martyr,

Maybe you should have a "come to Jesus" moment with this person and let them know that if their toxic behavior continues, they are on their own.  

I appreciate the replies so far, first of all!

So to ShyViolet: yes. And to Clia's reply: well...that. She's one reason I'm not typing this in a cardboard box under a bridge, per many dumb choices in my life, so I owe her. Period.

But she's very good at building walls between herself and others, and she's also had a negative influence on my relationship with the rest of my family. I try to just ignore her at this point and get on with my life, but she is really alone at this point in her life, having just retired. And I'm there for her.

I'm no saint, I admit it. I've been less than perfect with friends and family. And I've tried to make amends, but it's never enough. So maybe d0nnivain has a point there...

[d0nnivain]

OK this person puts a roof over your head & the cost of that is you have to take care of her.  Did she say that or do you simply feel obligated ? 

If other members of your family are estranged from you both & you ended with her because of your prior "dumb choices" bear in mind you may have been the architect of your estrangement from them.  You say you were less than perfect but tried to make amends to no avail.  Your family may be the harsh ones.  At least this person took you in.  

Try asking her what she wants  Assuming she has her faculties, she may have a plan.  Rather than stressing, just love her.  Do what you can, within reason without making yourself crazy, & see how it goes.  

[mario_C]

Thank you, d0nnivain, and everybody. Yeah, I know it's no accident I have no friends and my family avoids me, but that's it's whole other issue.

Thing is, she doesn't want to live with Alzheimers'. She wants to end it when she knows she's going to decline mentally. We lived with her mother having Alzheimers' as well as my father having a stroke, and it's a terrible way to go. We suffered for years. Years. And she doesn't want to do that. I understand, I wouldn't want to do that either.

But I feel guilt because I feel like a useless son and a useless man. And it's affected my entire life.

[d0nnivain]

You can't undo the past but you can still create a better future.  What would make you feel like a better man & a better son?  Start doing those things.  Caring for her & keeping her safe may be your path to redemption.  

[vla1120]

I was the caretaker for my toxic, emotionally abusive husband until the end of his life. We met and married when he already had stage three cancer. His son would have nothing to do with him. He was estranged from most of the rest of his family (except the ones who lived in Greece - and it was probably easy to care about him from afar.) I was all that was left to care for him. For the six years I was with him, life was pretty much hell. The only way I got through it with my sanity was to seek individual counseling. We also sought marriage counseling, but that was a bust. No one could convince him he was even the slightest part of the problem. 

I finally learned that I had to set very clear boundaries for him. It sounds like you need to do the same with your mother. Just because you feel like you "owe her" - regardless of what she has done for you (and you ARE her son, after all - I do random "stuff" for my daughters all the time - because I love them and want to help them - not to hold it over their head like they owe me), that does not give her the right to emotionally abuse you or mistreat you in any way. 

Also, my state passed "Right to Die" legislation in his last year of life. He felt the same way as your mother about wanting to die with dignity on his own terms. We were in the process of going through the steps (doctor's consultations, forms, etc.) when he passed. I don't know what the rules are where you live, and/or whether alzheimer's qualifies under the Right to Die legislation (if it exists where you live), but it is worth talking to her doctor about.

[mario_C]

That's so sad, vla1120. I appreciate you sharing your story.

I appreciate your advice too, d0nnivain. I hope you're right...it sounds right. And it's what I'm trying to do, every day, even if I feel like I'm just paddling in water waiting to drown, I keep trying.

It feels so much better to have somewhere I can "talk" about this. It feels like the weight is a little less...?

Edited August 17, 2021 by mario_C

[glows]

You still need friends. It's not good to have to do this alone. A support group will help but nothing is the same as having friends who understand you or will have a cup of tea with you or sit with you when you're needing someone around. Explore more of that guilt, what keeps you trapped or feeling guilty. Go straight to your doctor and address those low moods and "waiting to drown". You may be depressed. Take care of your health too. You can't help someone else if you're not ok.

[mario_C]

I like the idea of a support group, you guys. I've always been a big fan of Meetup and things like that (the internet can be very impersonal, and like I said, risky). Of course, we never did that with Grandma or Dad so I'm just now considering this. I appreciate it very much.

[glows]

I think Meetup is wonderful to meet new people. It depends on how active some of those groups are in your area. With Covid restrictions I think some groups have moved to online or Zoom meetings which is still something. 

[vla1120]

14 hours ago, mario_C said:

I like the idea of a support group, you guys. I've always been a big fan of Merickeetup and things like that (the internet can be very impersonal, and like I said, risky). Of course, we never did that with Grandma or Dad so I'm just now considering this. I appreciate it very much.

I had a cancer caregiver support group that I attended once a week (before the pandemic hit.) It was VERY helpful to me. I am sure there are alzheimer's caregiver support groups in your area. Even if they are remote only, at this point, it will still help you to talk to other people who are sharing your experiences. I also agree with what someone else said about self care. It's very important that you get enough rest and have opportunities to go out on your own and do things that interest you. Finally, in my own situation, especially near the end, it was helpful to keep a good sense of humor. He became very child-like and pretty delusional at the end and I had to keep an eye on him 24-hours a day.  One night, about 2am, I woke up to him with NOTHING on but his winter coat and socks (it was June.) He was trying to get out the door to go take a walk. Luckily, I had barricaded the door because I was afraid he would slip out when I was sleeping. 

During those last six-eight weeks of his life, the anger I harbored at his previous mistreatment of me really melted away and was replaced with pity/sympathy, watching a man who was once a strong force to be reckoned with reduced to a former shell of himself.  

[mario_C]

On 8/17/2021 at 6:58 PM, glows said:

I think Meetup is wonderful to meet new people. It depends on how active some of those groups are in your area. With Covid restrictions I think some groups have moved to online or Zoom meetings which is still something. 

That's true. It expands the geographical range, too - you can network anywhere in your state or region, which might help.

[mario_C]

It's starting...on the holidays, of course. I'm pretty sure she can't drive anymore, so food and resources are an issue.

[central]

Can she/you afford assisted living or a memory care facility, or at least get some home care via Medicare/Medicaid?

[vla1120]

On 12/19/2021 at 11:13 AM, mario_C said:

It's starting...on the holidays, of course. I'm pretty sure she can't drive anymore, so food and resources are an issue.

I am sorry to hear that. I am not sure where you live, but there are SO many resources out there that a lot of people are not aware exist, like Meals on Wheels and other similar services that are at no cost to her. Can you see if that exists in your area? 

[mario_C]

Hi, guys. Currently she's mentally aware, but very depressed. Basically, she's sick, and while I hope it's just a flu or something....it's obviously serious. I'm pretty sure it's not COVID because she can breathe well and also it's been hanging on for long enough that she would be dead by now. She says she's been vaxxed, but not boosted.

She's been on the phone with a doctor, but she's probably going to have to go in.

I got her groceries for the holiday weekend; we're investigating delivery options for stuff.

But again, the depression is driving this decline. She has been miserable lately, and it's manifesting things physically in the form of illness. And nothing is going to get better until we address that, and she's from the generation where people never got therapy, they never discussed emotional traumas...and now it's like she just wants to give up.

 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, mario_C said:

I'm pretty sure it's not COVID because she can breathe well and also it's been hanging on for long enough that she would be dead by now. She says she's been vaxxed, but not boosted.

Umm this logic doesn't make sense.  The only way you could know it's not covid is by her getting tested.  Covid manifests itself differently in different people.  

[mario_C]

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Umm this logic doesn't make sense.  The only way you could know it's not covid is by her getting tested.  Covid manifests itself differently in different people.  

Well, I'm hoping the doc will say that to her. She's a vaxx/mask skeptic...part of the mentality that's set us at odds. And with someone like that, there's no reasoning with them.

Doesn't make it hurt less when they're in your family, though.

[mario_C]

(Why can't we edit posts? Add to them, correct mistakes... it's stupid that we can't. Anyway...)

This Christmas<->New Year's week has had a sense of mourning to it. You guys with elderly parents know what I mean...you remember that moment when they become obviously elderly. It's awful. That time when you realize their life is now going to get progressively worse, and that you are now responsible for them and their well-being like they were responsible for yours.

It's hard. I've just worried so much these last few days that I'm exhausted. I've worried myself out.

And now I'm planning...I have to schedule regular visits - just Sundays plus a call earlier in the week to check up works for now. And we progress from there. And see how much more time I have to spend there, and how to make it work with my career stuff and having my own life. It's going to be hard.

I've appreciated you guys so much for letting me have this space to vent (I hate that word so much, but there you go). Even if you're only interaction is reading posts on this site and thinking "Man, I thought my life sucked", I still appreciate it.

[mario_C]

Happy New Years', BTW. I'm eating ice cream before dinner and watching a drawing class on Twitch B/C I am a big nerd.

I hope you are all relaxing and enjoying life. (We never get to talk about the positive things going on, I know, because this is our haven to talk freely about what an awful life we do have. But it's good to remember that there are good things in life and that life can still be good.)

[glows]

7 hours ago, mario_C said:

Happy New Years', BTW. I'm eating ice cream before dinner and watching a drawing class on Twitch B/C I am a big nerd.

I hope you are all relaxing and enjoying life. (We never get to talk about the positive things going on, I know, because this is our haven to talk freely about what an awful life we do have. But it's good to remember that there are good things in life and that life can still be good.)

Dessert before dinner? What’s better than that especially when it’s ice cream?!

I relate to what you wrote about elderly relatives and am also reminded about staying grateful for the good things in life. Happy New Year to you as well, Mario. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by glows

[mario_C]

Hi everybody...so some interesting stuff has been happening.

She was hospitalized last weekend with hyperthyroidism. Which...explains a lot. Yesterday she tested positive for Covid - she was negative on admission, so obviously she caught it at the hospital.

...was she vaccinated? Of course not. She lied right to our faces about it, and here we are.

So this afternoon she was discharged from the hospital directly to a physical rehab center, where she'll be for about a week at least...if she lives that long. I did speak to her on the phone - she sounds frail and tired, and a bit out of it (she was MRI'd quite a bit).

It's been a ride. We will just see how things turn out at this point.

Edited January 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
langauge