Mother in law

[smackie9]

I think most new parents are unprepared.

I'm no mom but, if it were me I would talk to my husband about his duties when he gets home from work, like bathing and changing the baby, wash the dishes, etc. Something simple as that. Hell you can hand the baby over before he goes to work so you can have a shower. He can shop for simple meals you can pop into the microwave, pre-made foods he can pick up on the way home. you can also order groceries online and all he has to do is pick them up without leaving his car. Also go on FB and find a moms group. They can give you many helpful tips and support being a new mom. 

Been with my husband for over 30 years, and I tell ya never assume they should just know. They don't, they are not mind readers. Communication is key for any relationship to survive.

Edited August 16, 2021 by smackie9

[GeorgiaPeach1]

4 hours ago, marciellazd said:

Yes, baby was kind of planned

So would it be correct to assume he took parenting classes, including infant care? Everything seems to be falling on you, even though the baby was planned.

[marciellazd]

10 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

So would it be correct to assume he took parenting classes, including infant care? Everything seems to be falling on you, even though the baby was planned.

We watched one online video together.

So, here is how it usually goes: he wakes up at 7am and goes to work. Comes back at 5pm. In meantime, I am tied to the baby/couch between breastfeeding, holding him so he wouldnt scream and pumping to establish milk supply. 
Then at 5pm, he comes home, makes or brings me food, takes trash out, does dishes. Then maybe goes to the store if needed. I nap from 8-12 but it is usually never 12 bc baby screams at 10 or 11 and i wake up. So I take over from midnight. And he sleeps 12-7am. 

[Crazelnut]

So Mr. Wonderful is getting 7 hrs of sleep every night and you get 4 or less. Oh he** no. Y'all need to find a way to get the chores done before 8pm. You MUST have more sleep. As soon as he comes home at 5, let him watch the baby while you take 30-45 mins to shower and change clothes. That will make you feel better. And you need to be sleeping at least another hour every day!

ETA: He clearly has NO idea what you're going through. Have as calm & rational a talk as you can manage and get him to understand that your mental health is in a crisis, and he needs to step up 

Edited August 16, 2021 by Crazelnut

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, marciellazd said:

Yes, baby was kind of planned. We talked about future, about buying a house, about retirement. He wasn’t ready for the baby bc he was unemployed at the time and I was ready. 

So was the baby planned or not? 

Planned = you and your bf had a discussion wherein you both agreed to stop using birth control and deliberately try to get pregnant.

[marciellazd]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So was the baby planned or not? 

Planned = you and your bf had a discussion wherein you both agreed to stop using birth control and deliberately try to get pregnant.

We wanted a baby within a years time, except it happened a month after we discussed it

[Acacia98]

Your boyfriend is the problem, @marciellazd. I mean, yes, his family is dysfunctional, and a reasonable mother-in-law would have remembered just how difficult it must have been for her when she had kids. She would have empathized with you and tried to give your bf insight into why you were feeling the way you were feeling. However, your primary relationship is with him. You live together. He knows you and loves you (I assume). He knows you're recovering from the CS. He's seen you in pain. He is supposed to have an inkling of just how difficult it is for you. He is supposed to be concerned that you're not getting enough sleep. He is supposed to push back when his mother or sister says mean things about you. He's supposed to make sure there's food in the house.

My first suggestion to you is to please get yourself evaluated by a doctor. Because if you have postpartum depression, you need help for it. Regarding dealing with your bf, I advice you to stop reading the messages between him and his family. You've already seen enough to know how he talks about you when you're not there. In addition, they make you feel terrible about yourself at a time when you need moral support. Focus your attention on yourself and your baby. Be communicative with your bf and ask him to help you with stuff when he's being "clueless." But don't look to him for moral support or encouragement. He sounds too immature to play that role. Please reach out to your friends and family. Even if they're not close by, talking to them can help you feel less alone.

[marciellazd]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Your boyfriend is the problem, @marciellazd. I mean, yes, his family is dysfunctional, and a reasonable mother-in-law would have remembered just how difficult it must have been for her when she had kids. She would have empathized with you and tried to give your bf insight into why you were feeling the way you were feeling. However, your primary relationship is with him. You live together. He knows you and loves you (I assume). He knows you're recovering from the CS. He's seen you in pain. He is supposed to have an inkling of just how difficult it is for you. He is supposed to be concerned that you're not getting enough sleep. He is supposed to push back when his mother or sister says mean things about you. He's supposed to make sure there's food in the house.

My first suggestion to you is to please get yourself evaluated by a doctor. Because if you have postpartum depression, you need help for it. Regarding dealing with your bf, I advice you to stop reading the messages between him and his family. You've already seen enough to know how he talks about you when you're not there. In addition, they make you feel terrible about yourself at a time when you need moral support. Focus your attention on yourself and your baby. Be communicative with your bf and ask him to help you with stuff when he's being "clueless." But don't look to him for moral support or encouragement. He sounds too immature to play that role. Please reach out to your friends and family. Even if they're not close by, talking to them can help you feel less alone.

Thank you for your reply. I already talked to him. He admitted that he doesn’t understand his mom and while she doesn’t dislike me (his words) he said she has been lame since she met me and he expected her to be more enthusiastic about me especially now that I am a mom. I told him it would be hard for me to have her in the house again in two months (she is planning a visit) after she suggested he breaks up with me (two weeks after I gave birth). Bf said he understands and he can tell her not to come. Also, he said he stopped talking to her about our problems after she suggested that and now talks to his sister. 
But he promised to stop that too, if i promise not to threaten to break up when we have a fight.

I also learned that he was always turning to his family for venting, even when he was with his ex, who cheated on him. Also, she had alcohol problem, refused to work and my bf supported both of them. They also fought a lot. 
However, his mom adored her. Go figure

[Veronica73]

He sounds ridiculously immature. Did he respond to the the golem meme (or whatever it was) that said “Feed me”? And stick up for you? Or the one where she told him he could do better? Did he stick up for you to his mom? It doesn’t really seem like it. He needs to step up and show you the respect you deserve and take on an equal share in taking care of this baby. It’s not fair that you only get 4 hours of sleep. I feel like things need to be more equitable. And whining to his family is absolutely disrespectful to you, particularly when you just gave birth. By C section no less! And when you aren’t able to have your family physically present. I’m so sorry you are going through this. But I do want to say….if you are going to confront him or get mad….try to do it when you are decently rested. I don’t think it’s good to do that type of thing when you are feeling super tired and emotional. (I rarely follow my own advice on that, but I almost always regret not waiting until I’m relatively calm.) 

Edited August 16, 2021 by Veronica73

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, marciellazd said:

Thank you for your reply. I already talked to him. He admitted that he doesn’t understand his mom and while she doesn’t dislike me (his words) he said she has been lame since she met me and he expected her to be more enthusiastic about me especially now that I am a mom. I told him it would be hard for me to have her in the house again in two months (she is planning a visit) after she suggested he breaks up with me (two weeks after I gave birth). Bf said he understands and he can tell her not to come. Also, he said he stopped talking to her about our problems after she suggested that and now talks to his sister. 
But he promised to stop that too, if i promise not to threaten to break up when we have a fight.

I also learned that he was always turning to his family for venting, even when he was with his ex, who cheated on him. Also, she had alcohol problem, refused to work and my bf supported both of them. They also fought a lot. 
However, his mom adored her. Go figure

Does he not have male friends or relatives who are fathers and whom he can talk to and get advice relevant to early fatherhood?

[marciellazd]

43 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Does he not have male friends or relatives who are fathers and whom he can talk to and get advice relevant to early fatherhood?

He does have a brother (but he is not a father) and he does have friends (majority has no kids) but says he can’t talk to them about it and no one to turn to

Edited August 17, 2021 by marciellazd

[Wiseman2]

It's sad you think his family is the problem, when he's the problem.

Take care of yourself and your child. Enlist the support of your own family and friends.

He's a backstabber but you don't want to see that right now.

[smackie9]

6 hours ago, marciellazd said:

He does have a brother (but he is not a father) and he does have friends (majority has no kids) but says he can’t talk to them about it and no one to turn to

Yes he can, but he doesn't want to....there's a difference. And as you noticed he has an excuse for everything. Not too many men turn to anyone about their problems. But I digress, His perspective, you are new mom, he puts in a full day at work to put food on the table. What more can he really do?

Yes the baby cries, but that won't be forever. Soon enough the baby will sleep through the night and you will be feeling better all around with this. You are sleep deprived and cranky, and even the smallest of things are upsetting....that's why women give birth...because we can handle it better than any man could.

As for his mother...as soon as she shows up, her heart is going to melt when she sees that baby. Good hand the kid over and let her do the feeding and changing while she there. She would probably just love it. You can indulge yourself with a nap or two

[Daisydooks]

6 hours ago, marciellazd said:

He does have a brother (but he is not a father) and he does have friends (majority has no kids) but says he can’t talk to them about it and no one to turn to

What kind of issues do you guys have so frequently that he needs to run to others to gossip? I cant remember a time in 8 years my husband has ever gone to a friend, parent or someone other than me to discuss things about our relationship. He comes to me and we solve the issue. Even if I was a raging b****, he would deal with me and we would manage that. I can't ever see him going to his mother to discuss me outside of things I would feel comfortable with him sharing. He is close to his mom, so it isnt that. Your partner lacks boundaries and needs to step up, manage the issues you 2 have, with you and only you, and be a damn parent. 

The only reason the MIL hates you is because he has told her things about you. He told her youre awful. He told her youre crazy/insane/a b**** (fill in the blank.) Do you really believe she would feel so negatively about you if HE wasnt telling her awful things? HE is the problem.  She is just his sounding board. Id probably hate you too if I had to listen to how "brutally miserable and awful you are" to him daily, too. She isnt the problem.  Her son is. 

[marciellazd]

12 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

What kind of issues do you guys have so frequently that he needs to run to others to gossip? I cant remember a time in 8 years my husband has ever gone to a friend, parent or someone other than me to discuss things about our relationship. He comes to me and we solve the issue. Even if I was a raging b****, he would deal with me and we would manage that. I can't ever see him going to his mother to discuss me outside of things I would feel comfortable with him sharing. He is close to his mom, so it isnt that. Your partner lacks boundaries and needs to step up, manage the issues you 2 have, with you and only you, and be a damn parent. 

The only reason the MIL hates you is because he has told her things about you. He told her youre awful. He told her youre crazy/insane/a b**** (fill in the blank.) Do you really believe she would feel so negatively about you if HE wasnt telling her awful things? HE is the problem.  She is just his sounding board. Id probably hate you too if I had to listen to how "brutally miserable and awful you are" to him daily, too. She isnt the problem.  Her son is. 

According to him and some of the texts I read, he pretty much tells her about our fights, like what happened, granted sometimes it is his side of the story. Also, I already admitted it, when I get mad, I am reaaaaally mad and I say things I don’t mean, like “ok, I am so done with you, I have zero feelings left, and you are just stupid for keep doing this.” I am going to find a new apartment and move out or do you want to move out.” So, I know it is very immature.

Anyway, he goes to his family and says she got mad at me because I was/wasn’t doing this or she says I complain too much. This keep happening, I am so drained, blah, blah…

For example:

One time, we were scheduled to go visit his family, but he kept complaining about his job every single day. So, I pretty much told him, it is normal, he just started that job and in maybe six months he could ask for a raise and in a year find something else. Then I would give examples of jobs I had to do before getting my degree. He would agree with me, and the next day the same thing was happening. And I was very pregnant. 
One morning, I am driving back home after doing 13 hour shift, after being disrespected and trying to do everything perfect… at the end of the shift I got called out on some bs. I lost it. I got into my car (7 months pregnant) and tears were coming down. My bf texts me that his car is making strange noise and starts again with his complaining at 8am. And I lost it there bc he didnt even ask about my shift. So, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and we got into a fight and I cancelled the visit to his family. So he told them the story and apologized for cancelling. 
few days later we worked it out and still were able to visit.So yeah… lots of drama and immaturity I guess.

Edited August 17, 2021 by marciellazd

[Daisydooks]

5 minutes ago, marciellazd said:

According to him and some of the texts I read, he pretty much tells her about our fights, like what happened, granted sometimes it is his side of the story. Also, I already admitted it, when I get mad, I am reaaaaally mad and I say things I don’t mean, like “ok, I am so done with you, I have zero feelings left, and you are just stupid for keep doing this.” I am going to find a new apartment and move out or do you want to move out.” So, I know it is very immature.

Anyway, he goes to his family and says she got mad at me because I was/wasn’t doing this or she says I complain too much. This keep happening, I am so drained, blah, blah…

For example:

One time, we were scheduled to go visit his family, but he kept complaining about his job every single day. So, I pretty much told him, it is normal, he just started that job and in maybe six months he could ask for a raise and in a year find something else. Then I would give examples of jobs I had to do before getting my degree. He would agree with me, and the next day the same thing was happening. And I was very pregnant. 
One morning, I am driving back home after doing 13 hour shift, after being disrespected and trying to do everything perfect… at the end of the shift I got called out on some bs. I lost it. I got into my car (7 months pregnant) and tears were coming down. My bf texts me that his car is making strange noise and starts again with his complaining at 8am. And I lost it there bc he didnt even ask about my shift. So, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and we got into a fight and I cancelled the visit to his family. So he told them the story and apologized for cancelling. 
few days later we worked it out and still were able to visit.So yeah… lots of drama and immaturity I guess.

Ok. So what makes you stay? Why do you say these things if you dont mean them? Or why do you keep trying to work it out if you really do mean them? Not being attacky, but curious. Haha.  Maybe we can hash this out here so you can wrap your head around what's happening and why. Your MIL isnt the issue though.  He needs to keep your relationship between you. If she asks how you two are doing, he needs to tell her you two are fine, end of story. 

In 8 years, Ive been frustrated, angry, annoyed and upset. My relationship isnt perfect (no ones is.) Never once did I suggest we end our relationship and neither has he though. With my ex, we had this toxic push/pull where towards the end, we mentioned breaking up during every fight. Eventually I did leave. In hindsight, I should have left when I first threatened it, but I didn't.  Dont be me and waste 12 years arguing with a less than stellar human being. My parents hated my ex. Hated him. But it was because I told them things I shouldn't have. My first mistake was not leaving when I first threatened ending it. My second mistake was sharing details of fights I shouldn't have even been having had I ended things like I should have. My friends and family hated him because a part of me did too and I overshared things I really shouldn't have if I was going to stay with him. 

[marciellazd]

36 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Ok. So what makes you stay? Why do you say these things if you dont mean them? Or why do you keep trying to work it out if you really do mean them? Not being attacky, but curious. Haha.  Maybe we can hash this out here so you can wrap your head around what's happening and why. Your MIL isnt the issue though.  He needs to keep your relationship between you. If she asks how you two are doing, he needs to tell her you two are fine, end of story. 

In 8 years, Ive been frustrated, angry, annoyed and upset. My relationship isnt perfect (no ones is.) Never once did I suggest we end our relationship and neither has he though. With my ex, we had this toxic push/pull where towards the end, we mentioned breaking up during every fight. Eventually I did leave. In hindsight, I should have left when I first threatened it, but I didn't.  Dont be me and waste 12 years arguing with a less than stellar human being. My parents hated my ex. Hated him. But it was because I told them things I shouldn't have. My first mistake was not leaving when I first threatened ending it. My second mistake was sharing details of fights I shouldn't have even been having had I ended things like I should have. My friends and family hated him because a part of me did too and I overshared things I really shouldn't have if I was going to stay with him. 

I am staying because I don’t believe that things I get upset with are worth ending the relationship. I need to learn to say things in a calm manner and to learn to argue without threatening the relationship. It was just mixture of being pregnant with extremely demanding work (and I was new at my job at the time).

At least that is how I see it. And of course he needs to stop sharing details which he promised he will.