Mother in law

[marciellazd]

My partner and I have been together for three years and just had a baby. The first few weeks were extremely stressful because it is just the two of us and he had to go back to work right away and I was by myself, recovering from C section and taking care of the baby. I think I also suffer from post partum depression. My partner and I had numerous fights and it was my fault probably as he is trying his best but sometimes is clueless. For example, one day his family was visiting and the second he got back from work he told me he is going to go and meet them at the hotel (they just got there) to entertain them. I lost it since I was with the baby the previous night and day while he was at work, going without sleep for who knows how many hours, no food, barely had any water, didn't take a shower, didn't even brush my teeth that day because of a non stop screaming baby. Not to mention that the apartment was a mess and his family was coming over. 
I know i could have calmly told him not to go but to instead help me get ready.

Another example is when i go take my three hour nap and come back from bedroom, our living room is super cold, ac is blasting and baby is usually in just onesies. I can barely control myself in that situation.

Anyway, I know some of that is overreaction caused by lack of sleep. The problem is tho, my bf tell all of this to his family. The other day, his fb chat was open and I read some of it. His mom told him that he deserves better and to just tell me I am ignorant (in reference to temperature situation). 
And this is not the first time he tells his family about our fights. 
I dont know how go proceed. I understand she is his mom and will always defend him but i feel hurt by her words. On the other hand, I am mad at him for pretty much ruining things by running to his family every single time. I feel like I don’t want to see them ever again because of that, and cant help but think our relationship is ruined.

what are your thoughts?

[Veronica73]

I don’t blame you at all for being upset. I haven’t had a baby….but everything I’ve heard makes it sound incredibly exhausting and a ton of hard work. And I really, really don’t think he should be telling his mom about your fights. I’m sorry you are going through this. Where is your family? Can your mom or a sibling or something come help you a bit? Also…I think you should talk to your doctor about postpartum depression. You’re exhausted and upset, and you have every right to be….but I guess I’d try to not make any drastic decisions or dwell on thoughts like “I think our relationship is ruined.” You guys have a baby now to bring up. Sorry I’m not more help.

[marciellazd]

10 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

I don’t blame you at all for being upset. I haven’t had a baby….but everything I’ve heard makes it sound incredibly exhausting and a ton of hard work. And I really, really don’t think he should be telling his mom about your fights. I’m sorry you are going through this. Where is your family? Can your mom or a sibling or something come help you a bit? Also…I think you should talk to your doctor about postpartum depression. You’re exhausted and upset, and you have every right to be….but I guess I’d try to not make any drastic decisions or dwell on thoughts like “I think our relationship is ruined.” You guys have a baby now to bring up. Sorry I’m not more help.

Thank you for your reply. My depression gets better when i do get some sleep (like 4 hours) which happens here and there. I don’t have any family in the states. My mom is coming from Europe to help once i go back to work. His family lives 4 hours away by car.

 

Forgot to mention she also said that he deserves better and i am only “dampening his positive soul”. Also i am painting a bad picture to our son of his daddy. Baby was 2 weeks old at the time. Idk, sounds to me like she was saying he needs to leave me

Edited August 16, 2021 by marciellazd

[Veronica73]

That is a really shitty thing to say about a woman who just bore her son’s baby. I don’t know what to say I guess. Except that you have enough to worry about without worrying about what his mom thinks. Have you told him how exhausted and tired you are and that you need help? I’m sorry they aren’t being supportive of you (and your baby).

[marciellazd]

Just now, Veronica73 said:

That is a really shitty thing to say about a woman who just bore her son’s baby. I don’t know what to say I guess. Except that you have enough to worry about without worrying about what his mom thinks. Have you told him how exhausted and tired you are and that you need help? I’m sorry they aren’t being supportive of you (and your baby).

I did tell him. He told me I just need to communicate. Like when he was excited to see his family and wanted to leave the second he got home. I should have just said “dont go, I need help with the baby.” In my mind, he should have known that. I am alone with the baby 24h, i do day and night shift and hos family was staying over the weekend so… what is the rush to “entertain them.” Anyway, he ended up staying and helping me and didn’t go to the hotel. They came over later and took care of the baby while we had a dinner date (my first time out since birth). But guess what he told his mom about the fight. 
Also, when they went out the next day, I stayed home with the baby and there was no food in the house. He said he was going to bring me something but didn’t. Of course, I got upset. He told his mom and she replied with posting a meme of a monster saying “feed me.” 
I feel embarrassed even while typing this. We talked the other day about him not talking to his family about our fights and he agreed but I just found out about this and I cant even look at him.

Don’t get me wrong I can be a very difficult person and he does a lot of things for me but I am also a good person, very supportive and loyal girlfriend. Sorry about the rang, I am still in shock

[Veronica73]

No. I don’t blame you at all for being upset about telling his mom, and the meme she sent. That is absolutely awful. I’m so sorry. You don’t need this stress. And I think I’m out of my league. I think it is good that you say exactly what you need, like when he wanted to go to the hotel, ask him not to go and that you need help. And also…as much as I think that couples should present a united front and for the most part shouldn’t talk about their fights with family members and friends, he is obviously not abiding by that. And his mother seems to be against you. Do you have friends to talk to? Can you talk to your family about what is going on? Or if you have the money…can you hire somebody to help you if he isn’t going to step up and help? I’m sorry I’m not more help. Like I said…I’ve never had a baby. But I know it can be really, really hard. I’ve heard people say if you can get through the first few years, it gets a lot better. Infants are particularly exhausting. I’m sorry.

[marciellazd]

7 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

No. I don’t blame you at all for being upset about telling his mom, and the meme she sent. That is absolutely awful. I’m so sorry. You don’t need this stress. And I think I’m out of my league. I think it is good that you say exactly what you need, like when he wanted to go to the hotel, ask him not to go and that you need help. And also…as much as I think that couples should present a united front and for the most part shouldn’t talk about their fights with family members and friends, he is obviously not abiding by that. And his mother seems to be against you. Do you have friends to talk to? Can you talk to your family about what is going on? Or if you have the money…can you hire somebody to help you if he isn’t going to step up and help? I’m sorry I’m not more help. Like I said…I’ve never had a baby. But I know it can be really, really hard. I’ve heard people say if you can get through the first few years, it gets a lot better. Infants are particularly exhausting. I’m sorry.

He is helping when he is not at work, that is not an issue. I am just upset about him talking to his family about our fights and his mom comments. Like seriously “his positive soul” and i am negative. Well I am depressed. Also, his mom does know how draining her son can be and how supportive i was when we met. 
That is why it hurts so bad
 

Edited August 16, 2021 by marciellazd

[ShyViolet]

He is being absolutely clueless and inconsiderate.  He is failing at his responsibility as a husband.... he didn't even make sure you had food in the house when left alone with a newborn?  You should talk to him about this at a time when you are rested and calm, not in the moment when you are sleep-deprived and stressed.  Hopefully he'll listen.

[Gaeta]

Are you 2 very young? He sounds clueless.

[marciellazd]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Are you 2 very young? He sounds clueless.

Mid 20s

[Kai_Kai]

4 hours ago, marciellazd said:

My partner and I have been together for three years and just had a baby. The first few weeks were extremely stressful because it is just the two of us and he had to go back to work right away and I was by myself, recovering from C section and taking care of the baby. I think I also suffer from post partum depression. My partner and I had numerous fights and it was my fault probably as he is trying his best but sometimes is clueless. For example, one day his family was visiting and the second he got back from work he told me he is going to go and meet them at the hotel (they just got there) to entertain them. I lost it since I was with the baby the previous night and day while he was at work, going without sleep for who knows how many hours, no food, barely had any water, didn't take a shower, didn't even brush my teeth that day because of a non stop screaming baby. Not to mention that the apartment was a mess and his family was coming over. 
I know i could have calmly told him not to go but to instead help me get ready.

Another example is when i go take my three hour nap and come back from bedroom, our living room is super cold, ac is blasting and baby is usually in just onesies. I can barely control myself in that situation.

Anyway, I know some of that is overreaction caused by lack of sleep. The problem is tho, my bf tell all of this to his family. The other day, his fb chat was open and I read some of it. His mom told him that he deserves better and to just tell me I am ignorant (in reference to temperature situation). 
And this is not the first time he tells his family about our fights. 
I dont know how go proceed. I understand she is his mom and will always defend him but i feel hurt by her words. On the other hand, I am mad at him for pretty much ruining things by running to his family every single time. I feel like I don’t want to see them ever again because of that, and cant help but think our relationship is ruined.

what are your thoughts?

Red flag. He should not disclose information regarding his relationship. A relationship is 2 people not your boyfriend and his family. It creates chaos. He needs to stop disrespecting you indirectly. If he has a problem with anything that you're doing or how you're reacting, there is a way to communicate his concerns. My baby is a toddler now and I had some really bad post postpartum. It took some time to shake it off and you need all the support you can get. Not annoying in laws coming over to your house or speaking poorly about you. Take care of yourself, involve your partner more so you can take a shower and eat.  If you're breastfeeding pump enough for 1 or 2 feedings, and have your partner handle the baby, so you can have some "me" time. You are still recovering yourself. A C section is major surgery. Take care of yourself 

[marciellazd]

7 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

Red flag. He should not disclose information regarding his relationship. A relationship is 2 people not your boyfriend and his family. It creates chaos. He needs to stop disrespecting you indirectly. If he has a problem with anything that you're doing or how you're reacting, there is a way to communicate his concerns. My baby is a toddler now and I had some really bad post postpartum. It took some time to shake it off and you need all the support you can get. Not annoying in laws coming over to your house or speaking poorly about you. Take care of yourself, involve your partner more so you can take a shower and eat.  If you're breastfeeding pump enough for 1 or 2 feedings, and have your partner handle the baby, so you can have some "me" time. You are still recovering yourself. A C section is major surgery. Take care of yourself 

Thank you for your kind words. That is what I am doing. He takes care of the baby from 8pm to 12pm and i take a shower and nap. 

But when i bring up his talking to his family about me, he says he needs to vent somewhere and his family was always there for him. 
 

I keep playing “tell her she is ignorant” in my head and cant stop thinking about it. Was it regarding just the temperature thing or in general….??? 
I had to change my career or put it on hold while being pregnant and now my job is in jeopardy bc I cant go back to work any time soon.  At the same time I supported my partner (emotionally) who went from being a server to unemployed to having a high paid job in just two years and I was there for him every step of the way. But now I am the ignorant one. 

[Kai_Kai]

11 minutes ago, marciellazd said:

Thank you for your kind words. That is what I am doing. He takes care of the baby from 8pm to 12pm and i take a shower and nap. 

But when i bring up his talking to his family about me, he says he needs to vent somewhere and his family was always there for him. 
 

I keep playing “tell her she is ignorant” in my head and cant stop thinking about it. Was it regarding just the temperature thing or in general….??? 
I had to change my career or put it on hold while being pregnant and now my job is in jeopardy bc I cant go back to work any time soon.  At the same time I supported my partner (emotionally) who went from being a server to unemployed to having a high paid job in just two years and I was there for him every step of the way. But now I am the ignorant one. 

Glad he is involved in that aspect. You still need to eat and take care of yourself prior to 8PM to 12PM. IDK how old the baby is, but it gets easier once the baby is on a schedule and you just eat, sleep, and pump around the baby's schedule. The first few months are tough, and it feels like no light at the end of the tunnel, but it does get easier.

 

I wouldn't be to concern about his mother's opinion. I know that is easier said than done. But, once you realize that everyone is going have their own  opinion whether good, bad, or indifferent you learn to ignore it. Wasting your emotional energy on this woman who has no idea what you have sacrifice or know the magnitude  of the entire situation is just going to keep your spiraling . She just knows her son side of the story and quite frankly she needs to butt out. And if he needs to vent, he needs to vent to you. He probably doesnt want to hurt your feelings and knows you're in a sensitive place right , but you deserve to have that respect to have an open conversation that is not condescending or dismissive. But, a solid conversation like adults. 

[glows]

Your priority is your child. Find a way to communicate with your boyfriend. I’m getting the sense that his mother didn’t want the child or doesn’t approve of your relationship. You’re on an uphill battle proving yourself in this relationship if he keeps behaving like a little boy instead of a grown man. He will have to learn the meaning of discretion and how to rely on each other if you stay together as a family. 

Sadly if he’s unsure about you or doesn’t want to be with you, please read the signs and don’t live miserably in denial hoping that the baby will keep you both together.

I suggest you brush up on your skills, take part time classes or enroll in courses for a program for example and make use of any free time you have so that you can have your own income as soon as possible. Never rely on your partner for basic subsistence and have your own plans and goals for what you want aside from kids and relationship. Don’t wait for things to get better or hope on someone else to change. 

[marciellazd]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Your priority is your child. Find a way to communicate with your boyfriend. I’m getting the sense that his mother didn’t want the child or doesn’t approve of your relationship. You’re on an uphill battle proving yourself in this relationship if he keeps behaving like a little boy instead of a grown man. He will have to learn the meaning of discretion and how to rely on each other if you stay together as a family. 

Sadly if he’s unsure about you or doesn’t want to be with you, please read the signs and don’t live miserably in denial hoping that the baby will keep you both together.

I suggest you brush up on your skills, take part time classes or enroll in courses for a program for example and make use of any free time you have so that you can have your own income as soon as possible. Never rely on your partner for basic subsistence and have your own plans and goals for what you want aside from kids and relationship. Don’t wait for things to get better or hope on someone else to change. 

I feel the need to clarify certain things. First, I do have a job and very good education. Yes, I may lose or quit the current one but i will easily find another job. Not a problem.

His mom , I met her 3 times. She seems very excited about the grandchild but she is also kind of strange. She was nice to me every time in person, but I guess after all the whining my bf did in texts she said what she said. Nonetheless, it hurts and I am upset. 
My bf is the one who always says he wants things to work out if anything bc of the baby. I am the one who usually wants to break up after a fight. I know i am not perfect either. 
I just cant see how to continue this ehen my trust is gone. And not to mention I dont want to be present, next time his family visits 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, marciellazd said:

I feel the need to clarify certain things. First, I do have a job and very good education. Yes, I may lose or quit the current one but i will easily find another job. Not a problem.

His mom , I met her 3 times. She seems very excited about the grandchild but she is also kind of strange. She was nice to me every time in person, but I guess after all the whining my bf did in texts she said what she said. Nonetheless, it hurts and I am upset. 
My bf is the one who always says he wants things to work out if anything bc of the baby. I am the one who usually wants to break up after a fight. I know i am not perfect either. 
I just cant see how to continue this ehen my trust is gone. And not to mention I dont want to be present, next time his family visits 

Thanks for the background. I am most relieved that you are able to work again should you choose to work but definitely do not let this person or his family keep you down or stagnating in other areas. I hope you heal well also after the caesarian. Let this blow over and see whether he understands it's inappropriate to talk to his mother about every problem in your relationship. It's lacking boundaries. The problem is unfortunately your boyfriend, not his MIL. I think you know that now. 

Avoid threatening to break up after fights. It destabilizes and erodes trust, the very thing that you are missing right now. A relationship without trust on both sides is a house of cards. Be good to each other from now on and forgive each other, provided there's commitment to change.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, marciellazd said:

My partner and I have been together for three years and just had a baby. The first few weeks were extremely stressful because it is just the two of us and he had to go back to work right away and I was by myself, recovering from C section and taking care of the baby. I think I also suffer from post partum depression. My partner and I had numerous fights and it was my fault probably as he is trying his best but sometimes is clueless. For example, one day his family was visiting and the second he got back from work he told me he is going to go and meet them at the hotel (they just got there) to entertain them. I lost it since I was with the baby the previous night and day while he was at work, going without sleep for who knows how many hours, no food, barely had any water, didn't take a shower, didn't even brush my teeth that day because of a non stop screaming baby. Not to mention that the apartment was a mess and his family was coming over. 
I know i could have calmly told him not to go but to instead help me get ready.

Another example is when i go take my three hour nap and come back from bedroom, our living room is super cold, ac is blasting and baby is usually in just onesies. I can barely control myself in that situation.

Anyway, I know some of that is overreaction caused by lack of sleep. The problem is tho, my bf tell all of this to his family. The other day, his fb chat was open and I read some of it. His mom told him that he deserves better and to just tell me I am ignorant (in reference to temperature situation). 
And this is not the first time he tells his family about our fights. 
I dont know how go proceed. I understand she is his mom and will always defend him but i feel hurt by her words. On the other hand, I am mad at him for pretty much ruining things by running to his family every single time. I feel like I don’t want to see them ever again because of that, and cant help but think our relationship is ruined.

what are your thoughts?

Sorry to hear this is happening. Unfortunately your BF is the problem, not his family.

You're both trying to adjust to being parents. He's basically running away from it and from you and dumping everything on you.

Pick your battles. Forget about the AC. That's just a tipping point in overall stress and discord.

Forget his family and their opinions. Their complaints come from him and his trashing you to them.

Enlist the help and support of your own friends and family. Visit for a while. Have them visit.

Get away from your BF for a while. Do nothing except take care of yourself and your newborn. Leave all other tasks to him.

For example why are you worried about the place being a mess when his family are descending on you?

Why isn't your BF helping out more? Why isn't he cleaning up cooking shopping etc.? 

You need to delegate more rather than freak out about onesies. That means stop being the maid. Stop hosting his family.

Treat your new infant like a child and your BF like a partner.

[marciellazd]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this is happening. Unfortunately your BF is the problem, not his family.

You're both trying to adjust to being parents. He's basically running away from it and from you and dumping everything on you.

Pick your battles. Forget about the AC. That's just a tipping point in overall stress and discord.

Forget his family and their opinions. Their complaints come from him and his trashing you to them.

Enlist the help and support of your own friends and family. Visit for a while. Have them visit.

Get away from your BF for a while. Do nothing except take care of yourself and your newborn. Leave all other tasks to him.

For example why are you worried about the place being a mess when his family are descending on you?

Why isn't your BF helping out more? Why isn't he cleaning up cooking shopping etc.? 

You need to delegate more rather than freak out about onesies. That means stop being the maid. Stop hosting his family.

Treat your new infant like a child and your BF like a partner.

He does help with housework and everything. But here is how the conversation I saw was going:

Mom: Is R (my name) going to feel left out when we go to the show? Would she come with and bring the baby?
BF: She probably won’t. And she wont feel left out . She has the baby ( this was rude in my opinion)

Mom: are you going out tonight. We can babysit.

Bf: no that is off. She cancelled it over this temperature issue she is obsessing  about. Seriously she keeps temp at 73/74 and if it drops to 70 she freaks out. I appreciate the concern but she is acting like he was left naked in the snow. I think it is control thing.

Mom: i think that too. Just tell her she is ignorant. You deserve better. Dont let her dampen your Positive soul. And turn the baby against you.

So this is from my memory. Also, now I understand where he gets the idea of turning our son against him. He accusations me of doing that or going to do that and I was like WHAT. He was like 10 days old, i was still in shock from birth.

Anyway, later on she asks if I ate the food he got me and asks about the hotel fight. And my bf says “sorry giys for complaining so much, I just need to vent” which tells me he was complaining even more in person. 
I know I should let go of AC issue but I was really mad. I already told him how it is heartbreaking thinking of the baby being cold but unable to tell us. And i wake up and have to wrap a blanket around me and then I see baby naked with AC blasting. I am a new mom and my anxiety is through the roof. So yes I freaked out but I dont need him running to his family telling every detail

Edited August 16, 2021 by marciellazd

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, marciellazd said:

BF: She probably won’t. And she wont feel left out . She has the baby.

Your BF has no respect for you. This is not about his mother.

He treats you like a hired uterus, maid, furniture. You need to stop that. Has he always been this disrespect?

You can read all his communication if you wish, but you're not going to solve this problem by being angry at the wrong people.

[marciellazd]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your BF has no respect for you. This is not about his mother.

He treats you like a hired uterus, maid, furniture. You need to stop that. Has he always been this disrespect?

You can read all his communication if you wish, but you're not going to solve this problem by being angry at the wrong people.

No, he wasn’t disrespectful before ever. He asked me if it was ok for him to go to the show with the family. And I agreed. Then he texted me the whole time they were there. Asked me if i wanted food and what i wanted. I said i dont know what I wanted. He said he was going to get home and then go out and get me something. Well when he got home, I jumped bc he opened the door abruptly and I looked at him (according) to him angrily. So he just walked past me and didn’t say anything. That is when I decided to just take a nap since baby was napping (so I didn’t get my food). 
And of course his family learned about it and I was labeled as incompetent adult who depends on him for food. 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, marciellazd said:

 I was labeled as incompetent adult who depends on him for food. 

By  him, not his family. He is abusive and dismissive. They are just his abuse by proxy. Read up on abusive relationships. Perhaps you can get some tips on how to combat his bad treatment. Where are your family and friends? Why won't they support or help you get away from him?

[marciellazd]

I wanna scream on top of my lungs. I got quiet when i saw the texts last night and then told him that I am upset he tells everything to his family. Also told him I dont want them coming back in Oct since I am going to feel weird having them around. 
Well, he went and told his sister. They had this loooong conversation trying to figure out if i saw texts or if i just used him to have a kid. He called me crazy and she called me b*tch. Said that i was treating her brother like a slave while they were here. 
Omg, I jaut cant. Who does that??????

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Was the baby planned? 

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, marciellazd said:

He told me I just need to communicate. Like when he was excited to see his family and wanted to leave the second he got home. I should have just said “dont go, I need help with the baby.” In my mind, he should have known that.

Sorry but he's right.  You have to communicate.  You cannot expect him to read your mind & just know what you need.  Spell it out for him. 

I understand that you have told him not to vent to his family but he continues to do so.  Talk to him about letting go of his family of origin.  Explain that you & the baby are his primary responsibilities.  Explain that when he says negative things about you -- when he vents to his family -- he cracks the foundations of your relationship & harms your family.   Get him to find another outlet.  

I don't know much about babies but can you compromise on the temperature thing?  Women have babies in the artic so 68F AC isn't going to cause death 

 

8 hours ago, marciellazd said:

His mom , I met her 3 times. She seems very excited about the grandchild but she is also kind of strange. She was nice to me every time in person, but I guess after all the whining my bf did in texts she said what she said. Nonetheless, it hurts and I am upset. 

* * * 
I just cant see how to continue this ehen my trust is gone. And not to mention I dont want to be present, next time his family visits 

You don't know your MIL.  You have only met this woman 3 times.  You need to get to know her better.  She believes the negative stuff her son says because she has no foundation for a relationship with you.  

You are exhausted & can't sleep.  She would probably love to help.  Turn her into an ally.  Ask her if she'd like to come & stay in your house for 2 weeks to help with the baby.  She'd probably be thrilled.  You can sleep.  You two can get to know each other. 

Running away from her is the worst idea.  It adds to your stress & puts cracks in the extended family.   Instead embrace her at least until your mom gets here & I bet things get better.  

[marciellazd]

Yes, baby was kind of planned. We talked about future, about buying a house, about retirement. He wasn’t ready for the baby bc he was unemployed at the time and I was ready.