Am I walking into another heartbreak or could this really be heading somewhere?

August 17, 2021

20 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

OR the majority of men that age that are divorced have issues, mental health problems, etc. I'm starting to lean towards the second to be honest!

Fair enough, but which begs the question why do you stay when all their issues begin to emerge so early in? Calling you in tears, etc how is this appealing?

Speaking personally, I'd be utterly turned off by this and his other behaviors, no thanks, next. But course, that's just me.

And I'm a very caring and nurturing person too, when appropriate. But after only a few dates? I dont think so.

To address the above quote, I date men in late 30s, 40s, divorced, my current is a widower.

And never experienced anything even remotely resembling this. Not to say they did not have issues (everyone does on some level) but they didn't drag me into them, they solved on their own.

Anyway, nuff said from me, getting ready to board a plane soon.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Edited August 17, 2021 by poppyfields

August 17, 2021

8 hours ago, DatingMom said:

he came and just took a nap on the sofa while I was working from home and having meetings. .I feel that I need to have an honest conversation with him and just let him know that this is all a bit much and that I don't want to be his lawyer or therapist.

Yes it's too weird. Now in addition to attorney and therapist he wants a daycare center where he can go nap? Sorry he's nuts. Run.

August 17, 2021

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it's too weird. Now in addition to attorney and therapist he wants a daycare center where he can go nap? Sorry he's nuts. Run.

LOL!! I swear wise, I am drinking ice tea at the moment and nearly spit it out while reading that comment, too funny!

Sadly, it's true though.

Edited August 17, 2021 by poppyfields

August 17, 2021

7 hours ago, DatingMom said:

OR the majority of men that age that are divorced have issues, mental health problems, etc. I'm starting to lean towards the second to be honest!

Dude here. Not going to lie there's a lot of screwed up men out there. And a lot of "half launched" ones too.

Two thoughts for you:

1) echoing what poppy said perhaps you are at least subconsciously drawn to wounded men. And it might not be the whole savior thing but rather that wounded men are more likely to be open and vulnerable or at least appear so.

2) consider creating some hard rules for yourself that will help weed these guys out early on. Like not dating men who are only separated. Or not dating men who have only been divorced for less than 1 year. Another one to consider is that if they trashed their EX on the first couple of dates then go ahead and pass on them because that typically means there's a hell of a lot of drama there that you really don't want. I think some of these rules or boundaries might help you keep from being in a situation like this in the future.

August 17, 2021

Is this guy pretty attractive?

August 18, 2021

11 hours ago, DatingMom said:

Well, my instinct on this was not wrong! Yesterday was a bit crazy! After we shortly talked on the phone he called again about an hour later to ask if he could come over as he needed to get out of his place. So, he came and just took a nap on the sofa while I was working from home and having meetings. He asked if he could invite me for dinner and tell me the whole story. It was pretty insane. He is not an innocent by-stander, neither is she. There's been a LOT of drama in that relationship involving calling the police on each other, substance abuse, hospital trips! I get the sense that neither he nor her are "crazy" people, but that they had such a toxic relationship that they made each other mad, therefore both behaving in insane ways. The story where she attacked him is true, but he also did some stupid stuff.

You need to stop seeing this guy..... NOW. The more you post about this guy, the worse this sounds. This guy is a mess.

I seem to remember that the last guy you posted a thread about was also a "mess" with a lot of problems. You don't want this to become a pattern with you. Get into the habit of seeing red flags and making good decisions early on.

August 18, 2021

This man is using you as an emotional sponge. The crying over the phone - needing to get out of his apartment - Confessing every detail of his life over dinner.

August 18, 2021

I am curious OP, are you divorced yourself or just separated? Maybe you wrote it somewhere and I missed reading it. If you are divorced and have your life in order, so why are you dating separated men? Hate to use this word, but drama they bring to your live.

It depends on what you are looking for. If for a short term roller coaster relationship that would end in a crash quite abruptly, then he is your guy. It might be fun and sexy as long as it lasts. As long as you don't get too much invested into this guy. But please, if you do not let him move in with you and under no circumstances allow him to meet your children. Just understand that he is nowhere ready for anything forever lasting. He sounds like a complete train wreck as of now.

August 18, 2021

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am reading this and listening to what you are saying. Not to defend myself, but to be honest, this guy seemed completely normal and to have no issues until about date 4. He did mention early on that he was in a difficult custody battle with his ex because she wanted to move out of the province, but he didn't dwell on it. And he was very attractive, fun, interesting, otherwise seemed to have his s*** together. I saw his place on date 2, and it was nice and clean, and looked like the apartment of someone that had their s*** together. I just want to say that because I'm feeling a lot of criticism here of "why do you keep doing this? why do you keep being attracted to men like that? Haven't you learned your lesson since the last guy?".

I am divorced since two years, and I do have my life together: I own my house, I have a great career, I'm on relatively good terms with the ex, I have lots of friends, am close to my family, have hobbies etc. My life is full and I don't necessarily need someone to move in with me to make it complete. I would like to have a solid romantic connection with someone, which can turn into living together and have a combined family (that does sound nice if everything works out well and kids get along), or a relationship where the other partner is not so involved with our kids, and it's mostly separate from the family life.

I do hear your comments though on how I seem to repeatedly end up with guys that have major issues. And I think after the last guy, I have kept in mind that men who have been separated since a longer time might be a better option. Truth be told though, the guys who have been divorced since a number of years (because I have actually focused on those more recently with dating), well, how can I say this, maybe there's a reason why they are still single. Men that I find attractive (physically and intellectually) seem to get snapped up early on, despite all their baggage. And the ones that are still single years past their divorce are the ones no one else wanted either. I guess best scenario would be someone that processed their issues with a rebound or something, then broke up and is now ready to date for real. Maybe I should put that on my profile as a criteria! haha

All I'm saying is that I find dating really hard. I don't know what everyone else's experience is, but I'll go on 10 dates for 1 person that's a "maybe I want to see them again". It's exhausting and depressing. And I consider myself luckier than most since I do seem to get a lot of attention on online site, and generally when I go on dates men express wanting to see me again at the end of the date.

Anyway, I have told that guy yesterday that I can't continue to be romantically involved with him. He asked if we could meet once in a while as friends and I said that's ok.

August 18, 2021

24 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

It's exhausting and depressing. And I consider myself luckier than most since I do seem to get a lot of attention on online site, and generally when I go on dates men express wanting to see me again at the end of the date.

Anyway, I have told that guy yesterday that I can't continue to be romantically involved with him. He asked if we could meet once in a while as friends and I said that's ok.

We all have issues, it's how we deal with those issues that is an indication if we're in a right place to date. I am also dating a man that is in a custody battle. He gave me a general idea of where the process is, he told me he's done his best in front of the judge and he will accept their decision. There is no crying, no emotional distress, he's not giving me the dirty little details, he's handling it on his own and that told me, so far, I got myself a solid man.

If you get a lot of attention online then you'll meet someone else soon. Yes it's hard, exhausting, but settling for someone who's not ready, has emotional issues, who needs a shrink more than a gf, will only hurt you more down the road than to end it after 6 dates.

August 18, 2021

4 hours ago, DatingMom said:

And he was very attractive, fun, interesting, otherwise seemed to have his s*** together. I saw his place on date 2, and it was nice and clean, and looked like the apartment of someone that had their s*** together.

Men that I find attractive (physically and intellectually) seem to get snapped up early on, despite all their baggage.

Girl, men that are physically and intellectually attractive with their **** together tend to get snapped up early on periodt. But then there are men that are physically and intellectually attractive with a ton of baggage, like this guy. Yea, some women will still go for them because of their other traits, but they’ll be in and out of stuff and on dating apps a lot so you’re much more likely to run into them. I for one don’t think it’s a “you” issue in that you’re purposely attracted or seeking men like this, just that you’re trying to excuse all these red flags because you’re attracted to him. But I think you might be selling yourself a little short. Those traits may be great for a single girl not looking for anything long-term, but you are a dating mom. Dating to find the right one is hard for many people. Go lax on some of the other things and find a quality guy. Basically, keep looking !!!

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

August 18, 2021

I tend to agree with the latter. Most people who are considered “dateable” are no longer single. By the ages of 40s.

The dating pool is filled with people who are attached to ex, in love with ex, broke, homeless, jobless, addiction, only separated… the list goes on. I don’t think you are necessarily attracting these people, there are just the type of people in the “pool”.

I have found that you have to go through many men, to find someone. I did not like mult-dating when I became single either… but it served me well as you don’t get so emotionally invested in one person. And you can keep your head clear to make good decisions.

Wishing you the best.

August 18, 2021

37 minutes ago, divegrl said:

I tend to agree with the latter. Most people who are considered “dateable” are no longer single. By the ages of 40s.

The dating pool is filled with people who are attached to ex, in love with ex, broke, homeless, jobless, addiction, only separated… the list goes on. I don’t think you are necessarily attracting these people, there are just the type of people in the “pool”.

I have found that you have to go through many men, to find someone. I did not like mult-dating when I became single either… but it served me well as you don’t get so emotionally invested in one person. And you can keep your head clear to make good decisions.

Wishing you the best.

Thank you for this! I really do feel that this has been my general experience. I also find that so many men in their late 30s/early 40s are struggling with depression and anxiety. Not just the ones that are recently separated, but also the ones never/married no kids.

And I have been doing the multi dating, but then it always gets to a point where you have to make that decision if you are ok sleeping with multiple people. I'm ok sleeping with one person while exploring my options for a month or two, but not having multiple sexual partners. Also, I find that for me once I'm attracted to a person, I find it hard to develop that attraction with someone else. Anyway, I find the multi dating an excellent idea but just a bit difficult.

August 18, 2021

3 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

30s/early 40s are struggling with depression

Send them my way Bc I personally love guys with issues

August 18, 2021

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

We all have issues, it's how we deal with those issues that is an indication if we're in a right place to date. I am also dating a man that is in a custody battle. He gave me a general idea of where the process is, he told me he's done his best in front of the judge and he will accept their decision. There is no crying, no emotional distress, he's not giving me the dirty little details, he's handling it on his own and that told me, so far, I got myself a solid man.

If you get a lot of attention online then you'll meet someone else soon. Yes it's hard, exhausting, but settling for someone who's not ready, has emotional issues, who needs a shrink more than a gf, will only hurt you more down the road than to end it after 6 dates.

I'm happy for you @Gaeta that things are working out so well with your guy despite the custody battle. It is true that some people handle hardship better than others: I am one of these people.

That being said, my guy (although not my guy anymore, but the guy from this post)... how can I say? Yes, he's a mess, and no he's not dating material right now. That being said, I don't think he is overreacting to his situation, acting crazy or whatever you want to call it. If my ex husband were in court with me because he wants to move somewhere far away with my kids, and that there is a chance that he might win and that I might only see my kids a few weeks every summer going forward, I would be in the exact same state as he is in right now. I don't know what the situation with your guy is - maybe the debate is only over percentage of custody, or maybe he's just not that attached to his children (no judgment there, everyone has different relationships with their kids), but just to say that I get it.

Edited August 18, 2021 by DatingMom

August 18, 2021

6 hours ago, DatingMom said:

I have told that guy yesterday that I can't continue to be romantically involved with him.

To be honest he seems worse than mushroom guy.

August 18, 2021

34 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

I'm happy for you @Gaeta that things are working out so well with your guy despite with custody battle. It is true that some people handle hardship better than others: I am one of these people.

That being said, my guy (although not my guy anymore, but the guy from this post)... how can I say? Yes, he's a mess, and no he's not dating material right now. That being said, I don't think he is overreacting to his situation, acting crazy or whatever you want to call it. If my ex husband were in court with me because he wants to move somewhere far away with my kids, and that there is a chance that he might win and that I might only see my kids a few weeks every summer going forward, I would be in the exact same state as he is in right now. I don't know what the situation with your guy is - maybe the debate is only over percentage of custody, or maybe he's just not that attached to his children (no judgment there, everyone has different relationships with their kids), but just to say that I get it.

@DatingMom, his reaction is understandable, that's not the point. The point is he has no business unloading on you (or any new woman he's dating) and burdening you with his shyt. Mature, functional people learn to deal with their issues on their own or with the help of a qualified therapist or friends and family.

How I interpreted Gaeta's post about her new man is he deals with his shyt on his own, he does not burden her with it. That is what mature functional people do, not unload on a new women he (or she if roles were reversed) has only had a few dates with, calling in tears, etc.

You and this man have had six dates, and he made you aware of his "issues" before that. You knew relatively early in this man was a mess, I mean the title of this thread is asking if you are walking into another heartbreak so you knew. But you continued forward, saying "with only a little more time."

I am not judging nor accusing you of anything, I just think it's important to own your shyt, that's all.

I am glad you walked away, smart move!

I am dating a man in his 40s who is a widower. We have been seeing each other a little less than two months, and as we grow closer, he's been opening up more and vice versa. My sense from our talks is that he is still bereaving his late wife, he is still in love with her, or more accurately stated, the memory of her.

It doesn't make me feel real great, it's literally impossible to compete with a memory and I should not have to. Therefore, I am choosing to walk away, he's clearly not ready and needs more time to heal and become "whole."

It's hard because our mutual attraction is still quite high and I suppose I could "hang in" and hope in time he heals and is ready for the type of relationship I am now wanting for myself. Which is still untraditional by society's standards but again I have no interest in competing with the memory of a dead wife.

I am seeking a man who is "whole and complete" NOW, before we meet.

Anyway, again I am glad you have walked away from this, and keep going!! Try to stay positive, I am!

In fact I met a man today at the market, waiting on line, the line was super long! He asked for my number but I took his instead and plan on texting him.

I am going to start a thread about it because it was fun meeting and talking to him and I want to talk about it!

Edited August 18, 2021 by poppyfields

August 18, 2021

@poppyfields I get what you're saying. To be honest, I wasn't really aware of the extend of his issues until the day I posted this thread (actually right after I posted this thread). I mean, he had told me about his custody battle but with not that many detail actually (I only got the full details later that day after he called me in tears and came over to crash on my sofa). I think before that I had some concerns but that was a bit too much to deal with!

I mean, dating is hard. I find that often you need to get to know someone a bit more closely before understand the full amplitude of their issues. And by that point, you're often a bit hooked, not in love or anything, but hooked enough to hesitate. I know how you feel about your widower: I was shortly dating this guy last fall who I think was still in love with his ex wife. They were actually separated since a while and officially divorced. But I think the breakup was bad: she left him for another man while he was convinced that she was the love of his life. Four years later I got the sense that he was not over her, that perhaps he'll never be. Actually, my dad is like that: my parents have been divorced since 28 years, and he still talks about her as having been the love of his life. Some people just can never move on. But with that guy in the fall same thing happened: it took me a few months to realize what was going on, and to be honest I eventually walked away but should have done so a month earlier.

August 18, 2021

14 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

@poppyfields I get what you're saying. To be honest, I wasn't really aware of the extend of his issues until the day I posted this thread (actually right after I posted this thread). I mean, he had told me about his custody battle but with not that many detail actually (I only got the full details later that day after he called me in tears and came over to crash on my sofa). I think before that I had some concerns but that was a bit too much to deal with!

Ok that is fair enough. And I apologize because I have been giving you a bit of a hard time on this thread. But I understand, it makes sense. You're fine, you ended it and I think that was the best decision, and I wish you the best of luck moving forward!

The situation with my guy, still in love with his late wife's memory. To me, it's bit different from being in love with an EX because with an ex, there were bad times, bad memories (which is why they divorced) and in time, one would hope they would recognize that, heal and move on.

But my guy and his late wife were very much in love and had a beautiful marriage. So his memories will always be beautiful and loving. Which again, is impossible to compete with and I, nor any woman, should have to.

Lesson learned for me though and I should have learned from my dad too, because when my step mom died a couple of years before him, he dated, had a few girlfriends, but never fell in love again, how could he? He was still in love with my step mom and always will be.

In fact, her pics were still all over his house, a new woman would have to be a saint to not be affected by that.

I don't find dating that difficult. Why? Because I am happy on my own, and I don't date unless and until I find a man with whom there is a mutual click and we begin dating. I refuse to do "on line" anymore, I meet men spontaneously in real life, like the man I met today at the supermarket.

And it works until it doesn't anymore. But nevertheless, I always try to take away something positive from the experience, keeps me from becoming bitter and jaded.

Edited August 18, 2021 by poppyfields

August 18, 2021

Honestly kind of glad she dumped the microdoser. Go big or go home

August 18, 2021

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Honestly kind of glad she dumped the microdoser. Go big or go home

Hell yeah!!

August 18, 2021

1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

If my ex husband were in court with me because he wants to move somewhere far away with my kids

There isn't a judge that will let a mother uproot her children, change their school, lose their friends, be far from their father. I don't know how old are his children but from 12 yo they have a saying in where they want to live. My guy will probably lose his attempt for 50% custody because he works nights, his children are 12 & 8, his lawyer warned him. Imagine, what would his chance be of winning if he wanted to move them 3 provinces away.

Edited August 18, 2021 by Gaeta

August 18, 2021

2 hours ago, DatingMom said:

Thank you for this! I really do feel that this has been my general experience. I also find that so many men in their late 30s/early 40s are struggling with depression and anxiety. Not just the ones that are recently separated, but also the ones never/married no kids.

And I have been doing the multi dating, but then it always gets to a point where you have to make that decision if you are ok sleeping with multiple people. I'm ok sleeping with one person while exploring my options for a month or two, but not having multiple sexual partners. Also, I find that for me once I'm attracted to a person, I find it hard to develop that attraction with someone else. Anyway, I find the multi dating an excellent idea but just a bit difficult.

Yes!

Multi- dating does not have to be sex with multiple partners. I am the same, only one sexual partner, while keeping my options open.

We are all learning… figuring out what works for us or doesn’t!

Good luck friend!

August 18, 2021

Was just talking about this with a friend. There is one thing I will say about men that are perhaps slightly broken. I wouldn't say I'm broken myself, but I do have an immense baggage of trauma in my past that I somehow managed to overcome all by myself. When I met my ex husband in my early 20s, I quickly realized that he would not be receptive to hearing about it, that he in fact would run for the hills after the first, least bad story. And I guess it makes sense. If I had told him about my past when he met, and he would have posted on this forum everyone would have told him to run.

So I never told him anything. Ever. In 18 years of marriage. When we were having marital issues in our last years we went to couple therapy. The first sessions were individual sessions with each of us. I remember unloading this huge life story on the therapist and explaining to her that I never told him. She understood, and said that this was perhaps why I had fallen out of love with him so many years prior, because I never felt connected to him. But she agreed with me he would not have been receptive.

Walking away from that relationship (there were many issues but the real issue I think was that I just didn't love him anymore), I kind of hoped that my next serious relationship would be different, would be with a person that I could connect with at a deeper level than I had with my ex husband, that it would be with someone that would accept me for who I was, and with whom I would be comfortable being myself. People on this forum have criticized me I guess for feeling "connection" with these guys that I guess are somewhat broken. But truth me told, I did feel a connection with them that I never felt with my ex, and I think that it's because I didn't feel with them that I had to hide.

Anyhow, this just kind of dawned on me. Maybe I'm just doomed.

August 18, 2021

@DatingMomI am a big believer in being forthright and open with our partners about our past. But that's not what this is imo. Nor was it what it was with the last guy either.

This guy and the last guy were "emotional vampires," meaning pulling you, a virtual stranger they had just started dating, into their toxic trauma/drama.

Unloading their shyt, burdening you, crying, complaining, using your couch to nap, etc etc after only a few dates or however long it took them to unload their crap.

Versus being in a "relationship" with you for awhile, developing a mutual TRUST and slowly, gradually allowing you into their world, including their past.

Can you see the difference?

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