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Am I walking into another heartbreak or could this really be heading somewhere?

DatingMom

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DatingMom Established Member

DatingMom

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17 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

First, he is still married. 

Second, he doesn't know you well enough to make all these future plans with. This guy is lovebombing and Future Faking you. My guess is that he's doing this to run from his emotions regarding his marital issues.

Third, be careful about assuming things about his wife. You are only getting one side of the story. Remember, he was once telling her all the same sugary sweet things he's telling you. 

 

I think you might be right on this. The way that I see it is that he has been with his ex for 20 years. The guy is 39 and has been separated since 2 years. So he met his ex when he was 17!! So basically he went from being a teenager to being in a relationship. He's never really been alone and doesn't know how to. He only feels happy and complete when he's in a relationship. I think he's doing a not terrible job at the bachelor life actually. He has been keeping busy and active, developing new hobbies, hanging out with friends more often, etc. But I feel that he's probably more lonely and lost than he is comfortable to admit. And then I entered the picture, and I fit the profile of what he was looking for and he started imagining, way way prematurely, to get the life that he's lost with the ex back with me. Kind of a bait and switch, just with two extra kids. 

I don't think his intentions are bad, or that he's playing me or anything of that. I think that he's actually not fully aware of what he's doing. But that's kind of what scares me: I feel that he's picking me for the wrong reasons. As I said, I like him and I do feel that we have a genuine connection. But I see that he's lost a lot, and I want someone to choose me for who I am, and not to be replaced in his ex wife's shoes. 

This is I guess my dilemma. I am afraid of getting hurt to be honest. 

  • Like 2
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket

Yes, it makes sense. You may want to cut your losses with a train wreck like this guy.

He's way too wrapped up in his battles with his wife.

Unless he's paying you $250.00/hr. to listen to all his drama as an attorney or therapist youre wasting your time.

  • Like 2
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, it makes sense. You may want to cut your losses with a train wreck like this guy.

He's way too wrapped up in his battles with his wife.

Unless he's paying you $250.00/hr. to listen to all his drama as an attorney or therapist youre wasting your time.

@DatingMomisn't this what you did with the previous guy too?

Listened to all his problems, you were his sounding board, his emotional garbage can (apologies for the bluntness) but it's true.

And when you voiced you needed some return on your investment (not those words but you needed more)  he gave you some story about "not being ready" and dumped?  

You were hoping after he got his act together, he would be back.

Whatever happened, did he come back?

Again, I think you should stop falling for a man's "potential" there are books to read about this, I would highly recommend researching and reading. 

Find a man who is whole and complete, NOW.  And you take steps to become whole and complete now too.

On your own, by yourself.  Before searching for boyfriend.

Hurt people attract hurt people.

Broken people attract broken people.

That's codependency and not healthy. 

Edited by poppyfields
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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
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3 hours ago, DatingMom said:

My other dilemma is also (same as before!), that I feel uncomfortable about the multiple dating thing, especially when it comes to having multiple sexual partners. I haven't done this yet, because I've always felt uncomfortable about it. This other guy who is interested I've been putting off seeing again because I know sex will come up soon, if not next date the one after. And I also feel bad about leading people on. Like I need to disclose my actions to everyone if that's what I'm going to be doing. I know technically it's ok to continue dating other people while you're not exclusive with someone, but I have moral issues with it somehow. I keep doing it because I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, but then I feel bad about it. Does that make sense?

You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. I suggest you cut this one loose and date others. 

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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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4 hours ago, DatingMom said:

I'll be honest that I like this guy a lot and I like the idea of one day moving into a blended family scenario.

You've met him in person six times.  You don't know each other well enough to even be entertaining this idea.

If you really like him, then continue to see him casually and see where it goes.  But stop with the "moving in" talk.

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, DatingMom said:

I think you might be right on this. The way that I see it is that he has been with his ex for 20 years. The guy is 39 and has been separated since 2 years. So he met his ex when he was 17!! So basically he went from being a teenager to being in a relationship. He's never really been alone and doesn't know how to. He only feels happy and complete when he's in a relationship. I think he's doing a not terrible job at the bachelor life actually. He has been keeping busy and active, developing new hobbies, hanging out with friends more often, etc. But I feel that he's probably more lonely and lost than he is comfortable to admit. And then I entered the picture, and I fit the profile of what he was looking for and he started imagining, way way prematurely, to get the life that he's lost with the ex back with me. Kind of a bait and switch, just with two extra kids. 

I don't think his intentions are bad, or that he's playing me or anything of that. I think that he's actually not fully aware of what he's doing. But that's kind of what scares me: I feel that he's picking me for the wrong reasons. As I said, I like him and I do feel that we have a genuine connection. But I see that he's lost a lot, and I want someone to choose me for who I am, and not to be replaced in his ex wife's shoes. 

This is I guess my dilemma. I am afraid of getting hurt to be honest. 

Does he want YOU (as wonderful as you probably are), or any warm body who will have him, and puts her needs on the back burner while he sorts through his life?

What can happen is that you nurse him back to health, so to speak, he heals and then wants a brand new woman not associated with any of the mess he had.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Does he want YOU (as wonderful as you probably are), or any warm body who will have him, and puts her needs on the back burner while he sorts through his life?

What can happen is that you nurse him back to health, so to speak, he heals and then wants a brand new woman not associated with any of the mess he had.

I agree with this.   You think him opening up to you about his problems and/or his ex brings you emotionally closer, and like with the last guy, you equated that with a deep connection (your words).

When in truth, he used you in a way, you became sort of a mother figure for him (or therapist) and there is not a man alive in my experience who will develop romantic/sexual feelings towards a woman who acts like a mother figure listening to problems ad nauseum. 

He may appreciate your kindness, but it's a huge attraction killer.

JMO but if you want this to work, when he starts going off about his ex and his "issues," kindly tell him you would rather focus on the two of you, NOT his ex or any other woman.

I have said that before and the men had a lot of respect for me for saying it.

Edited by poppyfields
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DatingMom Established Member

DatingMom

Posted
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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Does he want YOU (as wonderful as you probably are), or any warm body who will have him, and puts her needs on the back burner while he sorts through his life?

What can happen is that you nurse him back to health, so to speak, he heals and then wants a brand new woman not associated with any of the mess he had.

Yup. I hear you! He's actually just called me in tears about an hour ago. I called him back because I was in the middle of a meeting. He had a court hearing this morning, and it seems it didn't go very well. He is completely overwhelmed with the situation, and his lawyer doesn't sound that good. I asked around for lawyer recommendations and sent them to him, and called him to say to stop mopping around and pick up the phone and call around, meet 3-4 lawyers and pick the one that has the best plan. But then I hung up and asked myself: how did I get involved in this? 

Maybe I need to continue to see him casually and date others. Maybe I can get over the idea of sleeping with more than one guy, and if something develops with someone else, just keep him as a friend. This might be more than I can handle! 

Edited by DatingMom
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

Yup. I hear you! He's actually just called me in tears about an hour ago. I called him back because I was in the middle of a meeting. He had a court hearing this morning, and it seems it didn't go very well. He is completely overwhelmed with the situation, and his lawyer doesn't sound that good. I asked around for lawyer recommendations and sent them to him, and called him to say to stop mopping around and pick up the phone and call around, meet 3-4 lawyers and pick the one that has the best plan. But then I hung up and asked myself: how did I get involved in this? 

Maybe I need to continue to see him casually and date others. Maybe I can get over the idea of sleeping with more than one guy, and if something develops with someone else, just keep him as a friend. This might be more than I can handle! 

Bolded, cripes I rest my case.  😄

Maybe you need to stop dating him and look for a man without all these "issues" and who is whole and complete right now, in the present.

Edited by poppyfields
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted

He’s got too many issues. Which is rarely a necessary  dealbreaker to people but probably should be 

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, DatingMom said:

This is I guess my dilemma. I am afraid of getting hurt to be honest. 

The fear of vulnerability, is universal. You can’t love anyone without facing it.

Aside from the fact that he’s got the urge to merge after six dates, and you’re dating “lots of guys,” the tipping point would be the speakers… tell me what kind of speakers he has, and I’ll tell you if he’s a keeper. .
 

 

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Posted

A messy divorce...audios amigo. Date men that have a clean slate.

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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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Posted

Oh man.  There shouldn't be this much drama with a guy you've gone on six dates with.  It doesn't even sound like he's ready to date with all the drama that he has going on in his life.  It's probably time to walk away.

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

Posted
Posted

I myself am a ‘fixer’ so I naturally go after men with problems. And their problems become my problems. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a man with his act together and not have to inherit any problems? 

While I get the sense you do really like this guy, you’re also sensing the baggage he comes with is too much. And it is. 
 

He’s not ready for a relationship yet. At all. You sound like you have your act together. Don't take on all his baggage. 
 

As far as your question as to whether you will be hurt... I think he’s looking for someone to help him and share his problems with... like a wife. 
 

Id date others and move on if you’re looking for a long term relationship. 

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DatingMom Established Member

DatingMom

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4 minutes ago, salparadise said:

The fear of vulnerability, is universal. You can’t love anyone without facing it.

Aside from the fact that he’s got the urge to merge after six dates, and you’re dating “lots of guys,” the tipping point would be the speakers… tell me what kind of speakers he has, and I’ll tell you if he’s a keeper. .
 

 

haha! Thanks for the laugh! Apparently Sonos. Don't know what that is! 

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DatingMom Established Member

DatingMom

Posted
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Posted
1 minute ago, LynneVicious said:

I myself am a ‘fixer’ so I naturally go after men with problems. And their problems become my problems. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a man with his act together and not have to inherit any problems? 

While I get the sense you do really like this guy, you’re also sensing the baggage he comes with is too much. And it is. 
 

He’s not ready for a relationship yet. At all. You sound like you have your act together. Don't take on all his baggage. 
 

As far as your question as to whether you will be hurt... I think he’s looking for someone to help him and share his problems with... like a wife. 
 

Id date others and move on if you’re looking for a long term relationship. 

Yes, I get that. I'm totally a fixer as well. And I can handle quite a bit, as long as I get enough in return. But I am to be honest a bit overwhelmed by the amplitude of his problems right now. I see how he's having a really hard time dealing with all this. I would certainly be a mess as well in his shoes. And I think he's made some big mistakes in this custody battle out of fear and desperation, and those are now being held against him. So there's all this regret of past actions. It's a huge mess. And I get it, and I feel for him, but it's not my mess. 

And yes, I have my s*** together. It took time and effort, but I managed. I'm very happy with my life right now. I would love to be in a nice relationship. that would really complete things, but I can live without it as well. 

LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, DatingMom said:

Yes, I get that. I'm totally a fixer as well. And I can handle quite a bit, as long as I get enough in return. But I am to be honest a bit overwhelmed by the amplitude of his problems right now. I see how he's having a really hard time dealing with all this. I would certainly be a mess as well in his shoes. And I think he's made some big mistakes in this custody battle out of fear and desperation, and those are now being held against him. So there's all this regret of past actions. It's a huge mess. And I get it, and I feel for him, but it's not my mess. 

And yes, I have my s*** together. It took time and effort, but I managed. I'm very happy with my life right now. I would love to be in a nice relationship. that would really complete things, but I can live without it as well. 

Yep. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. 

Cut him loose before you get in too deep. 

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted
59 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

haha! Thanks for the laugh! Apparently Sonos. Don't know what that is! 

Bzzzt. They’re little WiFi consumer speakers intended to be spread throughout the house. Almost as bad as Bose. Sorry, does not pass the sound check or sniff test. Look for a man that’s serious about his speakers… and dates a year before talking about moving in together. And has been cleanly divorced at least two years. 

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IrinaM Established Member

IrinaM

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He has been hurt too since she just got up one day and told him, after 20 years of marriage, that she no longer loved him and wanted a divorce. She didn't want to discuss it or try therapy.

I think everyone except you knows that's not what happened. There's just no way that happened.

And yes, that little "story" is badmouthing his ex, he is fabricating stories that make her seem unhinged and irrational. And that is a fabricated story.

Why are you doing the legwork to help this man find a better attorney? Let him sort that out on his own. He's a big boy. Why do you care if he loses custody of his children? Maybe it's for a good reason, how would you know?

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Caauug Established Member

Caauug

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, DatingMom said:

She's a surgeon and makes 500k per year. So in reality she would owe him child support and spousal support, which she is currently not paying although he has the kids pretty much 50% at the moment. He think this might be part of the reason also that she wants full custody:

Good Luck to him.... The mother of the children is living in the house, makes $500k per year, and wants full custody? WOW!!!! I hope he has a very big bank account with lots of funds coming in..... She could sit back a bleed him dry for years in lawyer's fees....

What kind of hate will she develop for him when she finds out about you??? It doesn't matter is she doesn't want him, she likely doesn't want anyone else to have him either... It would be like poking an angry dog with a stick!!! Do him a favour and back off...

Shelf this one until he looses the extra baggage. This one is a "Not yours to Fix"....

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DatingMom Established Member

DatingMom

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Well, my instinct on this was not wrong! Yesterday was a bit crazy! After we shortly talked on the phone he called again about an hour later to ask if he could come over as he needed to get out of his place. So, he came and just took a nap on the sofa while I was working from home and having meetings. He asked if he could invite me for dinner and tell me the whole story. It was pretty insane. He is not an innocent by-stander, neither is she. There's been a LOT of drama in that relationship involving calling the police on each other, substance abuse, hospital trips! I get the sense that neither he nor her are "crazy" people, but that they had such a toxic relationship that they made each other mad, therefore both behaving in insane ways. The story where she attacked him is true, but he also did some stupid stuff. 

Anyway, the whole thing is a mess, and this court thing is not near over. My head is still spinning! I feel that I need to have an honest conversation with him and just let him know that this is all a bit much and that I don't want to be his lawyer or therapist, and that I'm not sure if he has room in his life right now for anything else. And see what he says. 

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

 

"My head is still spinning! I will have an honest conversation with him and just let him know that this is all a bit much and that I won't be his lawyer or therapist, and that I don't have room in my life right now for all of his stuff. And wish him well. "

 

Fixed it for you - just my suggestions in bold. 

He has a long way to go. And that's a journey he must take on his own. 

Best of luck,

 

Mrin

IrinaM Established Member

IrinaM

Posted
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ask if he could come over as he needed to get out of his place. So, he came and just took a nap on the sofa while I was working

You are on a slippery slope. He is trying to push his hobosexual lifestyle choices already.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

Well, my instinct on this was not wrong.

Actually @DatingMomyour instincts were wrong, as when you began this thread you were ready to continue forward with him and stating "with just a little more time" he might be just the right man for you (paraphrasing, I cannot recall the exact language you used).

It was only after all our posts when you began opening your eyes to what a mess this is.

I really think you should take some time to determine why it is you are so very drawn to men like him, and the previous man, with soooooo many problems. 

I also think on some level you enjoy the role they place you in - being their "saviour." 

I've read about this, that it makes a woman feel strong and powerful, a sort of 'earth mother' and she will be rewarded for it with a man's everlasting devotion and love. 

However, it typically doesn't work that way because as with the last guy, with whom you believed you shared this 'deep connection' (sadly, he didn't since he dumped you) they use you (not intentionally or maliciously) to get them through a difficult period.  Or maybe they are just a mess in general.

Question:  Do you think with all your good-hearted listening and nurturing, he thinks about you romantically and sexually?  

Do you feel his attraction in that regard?  Do you even want that for yourself or would you rather him see you as an earth mother and saviour? 

>>and just let him know that this is all a bit much and that I don't want to be his lawyer or therapist, and that I'm not sure if he has room in his life right now for anything else. And see what he says. 

You're not sure he has room in HIS life for you?

How about telling him this is not the relationship you envision for yourself, you seek a man who is healthy, whole and complete NOW.

And don't care what he says, this is your decision, you do not need his permission to walk away.

Sorry if this was harsh, I think it's important to own who you are, and what attracts you to certain men, otherwise you will find yourself in this loop of attracting broken men, wanting to fix, feeling a 'deep connection' but then getting hurt when they decide they're wanting a woman who doesnt want or need to fix, and whom they can feel a romantic and sexual passion and desire with. 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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DatingMom Established Member

DatingMom

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@poppyfields I see your point about the type of men I get involved with. I'm honestly not trying to go for that. I mean, I generally don't know about any of that stuff when I first meet them, and into a few dates at least. So, it's not like I'm seeking them out. So one of two things is happening: either I am attracted to some sort of quality in them that developed through all this drama/trauma, OR the majority of men that age that are divorced have issues, mental health problems, etc. I'm starting to lean towards the second to be honest! All the men I decided NOT to date also had such issues, but they told me about them on the first or second date, and it was easy at that point to walk away. 

I am someone that likes to help others because I'm a generous and giving person. But to be honest, it's not something that makes me feel amazing. What makes me feel amazing is having a great carefree night with a fantastic man. I want to feel special not because I'm looking for lawyers and solving issues. I don't want to save anyone, and I don't want devotion. I want love for who I am, not because I "saved" them. 

As for your other questions, about romance and sex. I do think that all these men are romantically and sexually attracted to me. And to be honest, sex has been pretty amazing with all of these broken men. 

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