She doesn´t want to lose me but has no faith in our relationship anymore

[Thierro]

It´s been years since I have been on here. I remember the first time I wrote my first post and that I needed advice on my breakup with my first ¨true love¨. Now nine years later and yet another ship is sinking. 

We have been together for 9 years and the current problems in the relationship are my own fault. I have severe contamination ocd that makes life -to put it lightly- not much fun. We have been on a holiday in Italy for two weeks and I´m sad to say that we spend too much time arguing about things. There were very toxic moments where I handled things poorly. I´m glad to say there were also incredible moments were we felt alive and happy together. Especially the last night was a testament of how beautiful our relationship can be. She agreed on this as well. I feel like the arguments were the straw that broke the camels back. Italy was supposed to be a getaway from all the negativity in our daily life and relationship, but sadly we just bagged it up and took it with us.

Yesterday out of seemingly nowhere we got into a conversation about our relationship. I have no idea how it all started, but it ended in a conversation with a lot of hurt and tears. She basically said: ¨I´m not sure about us anymore, I don´t have faith in our relationship anymore. I need space. I need my own life and my own things, my own thoughts. I can´t deal with your ocd. How quickly you get mad at me, everyone and every small thing. You have become so negative. I need you to work more hours and stop putting things on hold..¨ It feels like our relationship shattered like glass. The pieces are there I am sure, but it will take a lot of time to fix it. I´m not sure if she even has the energy left to pick up the pieces together. I´m afraid she is too tired. She checked out emotionally. I have tried to hold on so hard and everytime it slipped away from my hands I was grateful that I could get a grip on it again.

I have promised my best,  but I can´t move a mountain if I am not strong enough.. yet. I will try my best and maybe eventually it moves away and I will throw it somewhere in the past where it will hopefully remain. But something changed in her eyes. And that´s what I am the most scared about. I am afraid it´s too late and I only have myself to blame for it. I was the one who became so negative, so easily irritable, zo lazy and I should have put HER needs and wants first, not my ocd. I will take it as a lesson and move forward from it. I have taken this advice in the past from you guys, so I willy happily do that again. It just stings that somewhere along the road I lost myself. I stopped trying. I took things for granted and now I am here. I must admit I feel strong and confident. I want her to be happy. And sure, I want it to be with me, but if she´s happier somewhere else, that´s all I ever wanted for her. We all want that for our loved ones.

Any advice is always welcome. I asked her if she needs some time and space, but she wants me to be around her. The answer to the question ¨How are we going to move forward?¨ is still unanswered. Yesterday after THE conversation we made love, went for a walk and had a good time. I treated it as a date and I put in the effort she and our relationship deserved. It was nice and I felt like there was a real connection and attraction. 

Thank you for reading.
 

Edited August 15, 2021 by Thierro

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Thierro said:

 I need space. I need my own life and my own things, my own thoughts. I can´t deal with your ocd. How quickly you get mad at me, everyone and every small thing. You have become so negative.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?

[chillii]

First thing l'm wondering is hth you managed to get into and have a two wk holiday in ltaly when they're still getting 7000 cases a day ? And even more so if your from the US , aren't you guys still getting 10s of 1000s of case a day too , how does all that work. ?

At any rate , lm afraid your title pretty well says it all and sums up where she's at and the arguing holiday would've just iced the cake sorry to say. She's totally worn out and broken from it all and from the sounds don't think anyone could expect her not to be. Your also seeing a lot of your own things and problems but tbh , if you were honest with yourself , just how much of that about yourself do you really think you could fix and sustain anyway ? Sounds like it;d only be very short lived and she won't be able to take any more of it.

Have you ever considered too that you might gel better with a different partner, a different personality , could make the world of difference to your own issues, but she's def' not the one by the sounds of it. 

Edited August 15, 2021 by chillii

[elaine567]

There is often the idea put forward that somehow a few good times makes up for all the bad times.
It doesn't.
It never really does.
It is merely papering over the cracks.
Many men (usually) think that the making up solves the problem, puts a line under it, resets the dial...
BUT for women(usually) every little bad thing is remembered in great detail and is stored away.

So whilst for you the making love and the "connection" yesterday was a step forward, I guess for your gf, it did NOT erase all the bad memories of the trip and the poor general state of your relationship.
All these bad times will be raw gaping wounds, that hurt her every day.
 

She is not ready to leave... yet anyway.
This is a warning shot, ignore it at your peril.
Things are going to have to change massively on your end.
OCD is no excuse fir you to make someone else miserable with your behaviours.

[ExpatInItaly]

34 minutes ago, chillii said:

First thing l'm wondering is hth you managed to get into and have a two wk holiday in ltaly when they're still getting 7000 cases a day ? And even more so if your from the US , aren't you guys still getting 10s of 1000s of case a day too , how does all that work. ?

I can clarify, as I live in Rome: there are tourists here. The borders are not closed anymore, and haven't been for a while. Most things are open here actually. They can enter from abroad if they've been fully vaccinated, without quarantine (depending where they're coming from, of course, and many airlines require negative Covid tests before departure as well) The majority of tourists here are from other EU countries or the UK, but there are the odd Americans here too. 

In short, it's not that hard to come here on holiday if you meet the Covid requirements. 

 

Edited August 15, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[chillii]

Thanks for that .

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

is not ready to leave... yet anyway.
This is a warning shot, ignore it at your peril.
Things are going to have to change massively on your end.
OCD is no excuse fir you to make someone else miserable with your behaviours.

I agree 100%.  You are getting the chance that I never got.  On some level, she wants it to work... but if you are getting angry at the little things... then it needs to stop.  I know OCD can be hard... but over time, I feel it gets worse as you "Train" yourself into thinking it's normal.  You will need to get it under control quickly, as you see the vacation was a flop.

This is exactly what happened with my current GF and her exH.  She talked to him all the time before they got a D.  She didn't want to be married to a man child. She didn't want to be his mom.  She told me she would talk to him almost daily about issues... and he would say things will change.  But a day later... it was back to the way it was. (I'm guessing that him picking up dirty cloths once or twice was good enough in his mind) She gave him every chance to change, and "Step up" as a husband... but he didn't take it serious. (until she filed for D)

Anyway... take advantage of this.  Get your anger under control, and just bite your lip instead of opening your mouth.  

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

Edited August 15, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[smackie9]

You've had 9 years to get that OCD and your temper under control, to talk about it, and to work on your triggers, etc, go through permanent therapy. She's had to put up with it for 9 years...what are you going to do about it now? I agree it is a warning to YOU to get your act together.

[ExpatInItaly]

She still loves you but she's put you on notice: get help now, or your relationship is over. 

 

Edited August 15, 2021 by ExpatInItaly