Well it happened. Can someone explained to me where I went wrong?

[Br0ken_B0y]

So you all knew about the problem with my girlfriend from this thread here 

 Well on the night of June 22nd, she broke up with me. I'm still hurt and confused by it. 

We was perfectly fine, happy, we communicated well, I even told her that I felt uncomfortable about that situation between her and her male friend and she accepted that it hurt me and decided not to hang around with him alone anymore unless other people are with her. I'm not going to lie, we did have some ups and downs in our relationship like other guys who were jealous and wanted to get with her, they would try and flirt with her and or some girl who was jealous wanted to get with me would try and flirt with me and all of it would make us argue but we grew to trust each other and we was so happy, we even got engaged was thinking about moving in together and starting a family. I loved her so much, she meant everything to me.
 

I may sound feminine or less masculine for this but I am a old fashioned, hopeless romantic type of guy, I'm not sleazy and don't boast about sex and love doing those small romantic gestures like writing poems, giving flowers, making compliments, having dinner at some fancy restaurant etc and talking rather than constantly doing sexual stuff and when I do do sexual stuff, to me it has more meaning, I don't see it as a one night stand or some simple f@!* , having sex is to me what it's supposed to be: Making Love.

That's how I was in the relationship and she even said that she was happy with me and wanted someone like me for a very long time and suddenly out of the blue, she sends me a text message, not even a phone call or said it to my actual face in person, no she broke up with me by a text message saying "Do not contact me again, it's over".

At first I was confused, I thought it was a joke so I rung her phone only to find she blocked my number. I started crying badly, I panicked! I felt like I was suffocating or someone just stabbed me in the chest through my heart. I went to see her in person to try and get an explanation of what happened, I asked why she broke up with me, I asked her what I did wrong and if she still loved me and cared about me at all.

She told me a lie, she would not give me reason real reason, she blamed her parents for our breakup saying "I just can't be with you anymore, I'm sorry I broke your heart, my parents would let us be together". I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and then walked away and would dodge my questions.

I know for a fact it's a lie because she said she would always be with me, she wouldn't let anything come between us, she told me I was the best boyfriend she ever had and that she'd be miserable without me. She wanted a boyfriend who made her feel appreciated and wasn't constantly focused on the sex part. Her parents were overprotective of her, I think it's because she has learning difficulties like I do so she is somewhat vulnerable, they wouldn't let her date anyone that is older than her despite her being in her 20s, they won't even let her get a place of her own so that's why she told me that we couldn't be together anymore.

The reason I don't believe it is because we was doing OK in our relationship and because she told me that she'd never leave me even if her parents forced her, she said she would still date me but would keep it private because she did not wanted to be apart from me. I was not even that older than her, she is 21 and I am 33, even her parents have a huge age gap (her mum is in her late 30s, almost 40 and her father is in his 60s). The first time she told her parents about us, she even defended me and said to her mother about her and her age gap with her father.

I kind of feel like maybe she did cheat on me with her male friend and she possibly left me for him and he's still dating his own girlfriend but is keeping the other relationship a secret. I am just so hurt by all of this, I love her deeply, she seemed like the right one for me, we had so much in common, she even loved my silly stupid jokes and would laugh at them, each time we'd spend time together I just felt like I was on top of the world with her, she made me feel so alive and now I just feel so broken and hopeless without her. Nothing is the same anymore, I can't enjoy our songs or TV shows without being reminded of her, she brought out the best in everything, she was like a sweet angel to me, she made life good again, now everything just is boring and dull and my days are so lonely and miserable. The fun in everything, it's all died away. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep and can't eat,

I can't focus properly anymore. I'm just not the same without her. I felt like we was meant for each other, the love I had for her was stronger than any I have felt before, it felt real. Sometimes I'd even get signs that we were perfect for each other like when she wasn't around and I'd think about her, I'd always get these romantic songs popping inside my head and everywhere I'd go, something would appear that made me think of her, be it her favourite food or one of our favourite places, it just felt right and made sense.

I never experience with anyone else and now I'm worried I'll never be the same again or have that same amazing feeling again.

Did I mess up here? I gave her everything, I poured my heart out to her, I was loyal, I did everything I could that I felt was being a good boyfriend. Whenever she was sad or hurt I would try to make her laugh and smile or at least try to comfort her and give her advice to help, I'd cook her favourite foods, I'd watch her favourite shows with her. I'd even would go out of my way to get her big expensive gifts on her birthday, not to buy her affections but to make her feel special, appreciated, love and wanted because all her other exs were so mean to her and would never make her feel cared for. I'd even would sing her to sleep because I loved her so much that

I knew it made her feel comfortable and safe and would relax her. Was I not good enough? 

Someone please help me out here, I just want to improve the mistakes I made so that if I do get another shot at true love I won't screw up again

Edited August 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Wall of text

[Wiseman2]

You were friends then dated for about a month? She was still dating others the whole time so it seems like a lot of misunderstandings.

Next time don't smother someone this much. Also when someone tells you to stop contacting them it's best to back off.

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Br0ken_B0y said:

Was I not good enough? 

I'm sorry that you even think this way, OP. 

It has nothing to do with not being good enough, and everything to do with serious incompatibilities with this young lady. 

This relationship did  not have a solid foundation, even though you were clerarly crazy about her. She always had other guys in the background, which you knew (as evidenced in your other thread) That was a red flag, and not the sign of a woman ready for a mature relationship. You were looking to settle down and she was mostly just day-dreaming about it. She's not in a place in her life where she's at all ready for that, despite her big assertions to the contrary.

At 33, it would be a lot wiser to date women closer to your own age. It is not about the number of years between you, either. I am 14 years younger than my partner, but we met when I was 34 and he was 48, and we were both at similar life stages: had careers established, had our own homes, had both traveled a lot, had both had long-term relationships, were both well past the "growing up" phase of our lives and had the smae future goals for ourselves.  But you and this girl are in two totally different places. She can't even move out on her own, let alone enterain the idea of starting a family. That was just a fantasy, unfortunately. 

The important lesson here is not to ignore big red flags in the future. They are there for a reason. You will be okay but you need to work on your lady-picker. 

[chillii]

She's too young , as in her ways , these other guys , for your ideals, some will be far more mature but she was no where near ready. And you did smother her a lot too sorry to say , well meaning but nonetheless it'll all be too much. And no l don't know your other thread but it seems pretty entitled assuming 100s of 1000s of strangers would all know your other thread out of the 1000s of other threads here and tbh , it sounds like you have some maturing to do yourself too from a lot of things you say really. Why not stay single for awhile , take some time , reflect , think about things.

[elaine567]

At 33 you tried to make a long term partner out of a 21yo...

Big mistake.
Her excuse that her parents were not on board may be entirely valid.
Few parents really want their 21yo daughter dating a 33 yo guy.
The fact her parents have a huge age gap may be exactly why they don't want it for their daughter...
Different life stages completely.
As her idea of fun was boozing with her guy friend then I doubt she is the type ready to settle down.
Yes she may have been cheating but there was enough wrong here for her to pull the plug without there being anyone else involved.
The thought of starting a family in her early twenties would be enough for many to run for the hills...
She needs to experience life, the world is her oyster, she does not be tied down with kids and a mortgage...

You projected all your feelings of love onto her.
She was the right one for you, but obviously you were not the right one for her...
Reserve all your loving ways for someone who would appreciate them, someone older who is ready for long term commitment.

[Calmandfocused]

Paragraphs please buddy! That was hurting my eyes…

I agree with the others; there is no way you will be successful at pinning down a 21 year old for life long commitment at her age. 
 

I was engaged at age 21 to a man 10 years older. He wanted to settle down, marry and have babies. I had just finished university and wanted to kick start my career. What do you think happened there? Yep you guessed it, we both got what we want but separately. 
 

I personally have no problem with big age differences when older but when you’re in your late teens and 20s it’s a massive issue. 
 

Im sorry you’re hurting. My advice is give yourself time to recover then go searching in the late 20s/ early 30s range. You’ll then be much more successful finding a woman who wants exactly what you want, and is in the same stage in life as you. 

[smackie9]

You know where it went wrong. You two were never on the same page or had the same expectations. There was no way she was going to change her behavior, and yet there you were on the side lines watching it everyday. You still have some more growing to do when in comes to relationships. You spent all your time chasing a desire instead of looking at what was truly there. You can't force someone to fall in love with you just because you feel that way with them. Keep reality in check next time.

Edited August 15, 2021 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

Well here's the piece of wisdom here, and took me a while to learn it. When you had that paranoid feeling about her hanging out with the guy, TRUST THAT!

That feeling is itself a sign that the relationship is NOT good, that you are NOT secure, that you are on thin, thin ground. The whole point of a romance is to feel really and secure and treasured by the other person.

The moment that alarm goes off about her hanging out with someone who is flirty, someone you don't like, pay attention.

So the only thing you did wrong was to ignore your alarms going off. BTW: it is so easy to ignore the alarms when we generally like the person. But you have to pay attention. 

The other thing that jumps out at me is that you mention flowers and gifts and dinners at fancy (I'm assuming "expensive") restaurants. Expensive restaurants mean nothing. Literally zero. Zip. Zero. Nothing. Most of the best dates and eat-outs I have had with partners were at diners, places that were very relaxed. Places where we just chilled.

It's old-school male to think expensive dinners will win a woman over. I'm sorry, that's just not the case, and if it is the case, you are with the wrong woman. You can, if you want to--on special occasions--playfully go somewhere expensive. Sure. But know this: a relationship does not get any better because you were eating at Posh restaurant vs. Johnny's Diner. It's only food. And you're working too hard when you do the dinner treat thing. Much better to find some activities you can enjoy together, ways of just having fun with each other. 

So you were working too hard, it seems. And that relates to misreading this woman. You might have also fallen for the "good girl" nonsense. No such thing. Just because someone seems king and sweet and all that doesn't mean she has no interest in play or flirting with others or breaking up with someone and on and on. 

Finally, NEVER seek to "correct" for the previous bf. NEVER! That's not your job. It's her job to trust you or not trust you. Never try to rescue someone from their own painful experience. What often happens is you hide away your needs and desires, you focus on pleasing her, and so you kill off an equal and vibrant relationship. And you feel the pain and betrayal when she dumps you. 

[IslandSanctuary]

You're going 'wrong' now by feeling bad about it. Good for you for having boundaries and knowing what you want. I wouldn't have went any further with this woman. 
I get it - it hurts. I bet she's attractive, fun and you're young and you like the idea of sex and feeling like you have someone - well it was all an illusion. I'd argue that a girl like this is not relationship material, you haven't lost anything. 

I've been there, trust me. What you have to do now is forget about her, if she contacts you don't embarrass yourself, don't contact her, just give short answers designed to cut down the conversation. Move on. There is a big wide world of decent women out there, all shapes and sizes, there's a woman for whatever you want. 
You need to focus on you - gym it if you can get into that/running/fitness/hobbies. Try and last the next few weeks in as high spirits as you can, keep busy, stay off the drink etc and eat well. Direct sunlight on the skin for 20-30 mins a day helps stave off depression. You'll forget about her. 

Don't play the victim and don't fall for girls that play the victim - it's a big red flag of a personality disorder. Research narcissism on Youtube. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[smackie9]

I get it you are hurt very badly, we all have been there trust me. Our advice may seem harsh, but when you grieve it out, and heal your heart, you will understand where we are coming from, well some of us anyways. Right now you don't see it, and yes that is understandable because you are raging with emotions which is a horrible place to be. I don't think anything that is posted will be to your satisfaction other than someone saying she will come back promising to change and be the GF you always expected. Remember we are not saying you are a bad person, and she IMO isn't a bad person...you two have different ideas about what a relationship should be. Maybe she's just not ready to have a mature relationship at this time in her life. How things have turned out is a gut punch to the ego. You can ask why till the cows come home. Focus on helping yourself, talk to a close friend, or seek out counseling if you haven't yet. It's terrible to feel so lost and vulnerable but this will pass. Look up the 7 stages of grieving a breakup. Maybe that will help you understand more what you are going through and what to expect. Take care.

Edited August 16, 2021 by smackie9

[Fox Sake]

At 21 , most women don’t have a clue what they want. Neither do most men. 
You’re ready to settle down or think on a commitment,  and she is literally just entering that phase of partying and living for the weekend. Experiencing life. 
 

25 is usually a maturity turning point for women (generally speaking). Men, usually coming into their 30’s+.
Of course she may not be this type of person, but the fact stands she is still 21 and has life experience, spiritual and emotional maturity to gain. (Regardless of how mature you may see her as, time on the planet and experience counts for most things)  
 

There is nothing wrong with your age gap. The problem has arrived in the age that she currently is. That is pretty much it.  
 

You can’t blame yourself for anything if you did all that you felt you could. It’s a hard lesson to learn , especially after you have invested so many feelings , but try and keep your dating options at 25+ For the foreseeable future. 
There is no rush either. When you’re 40 you could meet the 28 year old of your dreams! 

[Br0ken_B0y]

None of you even know me and you are so judgemental, you describe me as a monster, one of you even accused me of having a personality disorder or said I was narcissistic like I'm some kind of serial killer.

I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT!!

I am a decent human being and if any of you actually got to know me properly rather than just passing such harsh judgements you'd know that.

The reason I'm "weird" or "strange" is because I actually have a learning development problem, it's called autism and you know what? I am actually not ashamed of it, it's not some kind of disease and it doesn't make me some kind of psychopath like all of you are labelling me as. Maybe I haven't had the best of luck like most of you have, maybe I did not lose my virginity at such a young age like all those beef caked thuggish types. My condition actually makes it difficult for me to be what you class as "normal". I tried being "normal" my whole life and never ever fitted in. But at least I actually treated people like actual human beings rather than making them feel like outsiders. 

I was not "suffocating" her or "smothering" her or being "too sensitive", I was just trying to be a good loving boyfriend because I was too stupid to believe that someone would actually be capable of loving me back

Do you even know how painful that is? Maybe I haven't even felt real love before until I met her, because despite her leaving me and breaking my heart, I was actually happy most of the time, she made me feel like I was myself and I had smiled more with her than I had done in most of my miserable life. All my past relationships, be it friendship, family or romantic, all of them were just abusive, manipulative, controlling and hurtful. All my friends ever do is use me or act like I'm disposable, my family just use me as an ATM machine or toy with my emotions and my other girlfriends did the same as my family only they would also like to physically hurt me in the process as well. Sure people may hate me and sure I may hate myself too but nobody (as in anyone, not just myself, anybody) does not deserve to be treated that way.

None of you get it at all, I don't even know why I even bothered coming to this site at all and reach out, I just thought since everyone offline is just so horrible, maybe, just maybe you all would have been a little more open minded  

I guess I was wrong and I'm just stupid as always... bye...

Edited August 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

OP,  you came here for advice. 

You are being incredibly rude to the people who took time to respond with practice advice. You have not acknowledged any of it, only lashed out instead at a couple posts you didn't like. Why would we waste our time trying to help you when you don't appear to appreciate it?

Is this how you react in real-life too, to perceived criticism? It's way over the top, and may be the reason you think "everyone offline" is horrible too. You are the common denominator here. 

You are also insanely defensive, and projecting to an astonishing degree. I would suggest you seek the help of a compassionate counselor. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[balletomane]

I'm autistic too, OP, so I hope you can take my advice on board.

Right now you're falling into the trap of thinking that people pointing out the problems in your relationship means they're blaming you for it not working out. That's not the case. You were simply at a different life stage to this woman, with different expectations to match. This is a common reason for relationships to end and it is not a negative reflection on you as a person.

Secondly, please don't make the mistake of attributing all your relationship problems to autism and assuming non-autistic people must have an easy time in relationships. This whole forum is full of non-autistic people who aren't having an easy time and who are asking for advice. The important thing is to be able to receive the advice politely, evaluate it objectively, and then take what works for you. Right now you seem to feel that any advice that doesn't confirm what you think (that your relationship was fine, for example) must be bad. That's a natural way to feel when your heartbroken and grieving, but it's not true and it won't help you in the long term.

I have a friend with autism and bipolar disorder who dates women in their early twenties, women who are on average fifteen years younger than him, and I suspect that he does this because he is more comfortable around people who lack life experience. He feels less judged and scrutinised for not being 'typical' for his age. But that approach isn't working out for him, because ultimately the difference in age and expectations for the relationship gets too much. His relationships rarely last long. It sounds as though you might be falling into the same trap. You need to concentrate on women nearer to you in age, and you also need to reflect on your communication skills. I'm not saying this just because you're autistic; it's an important thing for everyone to do. We all sometimes act in ways we didn't intend, and the content of your posts suggests that you did come across as too intense and smothering even though you didn't mean to. I don't think this changed the outcome (a relationship between 21 year old and 33 year old is likely to end anyway, as people have said) it is something to work on for the future.