Becky_ Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 Hi Everyone! I am new here so please go easy! I feel like my friend is trying to split us up. I am a flight attendant here in the UK, my boyfriend is a captain for the same airline. My friend also works as a flight attendant and she has been putting the poison in with me about my boyfriend. Some examples of what she is doing - Told me my boyfriend is cheating on me and he doesn't love me, I know he isn't cheating on me - Keeps telling people I am using my boyfriend for his house, I had an accident at work and tore my ACL. I am awaiting for an operation, my boyfriend has been looking after me. She has also been saying that my boyfriend is getting bored of me. He is going to throw me out. She has made me feel really insecure about my relationship and about myself. I know she isn't really my friend. I'm worried that my boyfriend does hate me. She does know something about me my boyfriend doesn't. I was sexually assaulted when I was on a layover in Johannesburg earlier this year. She was on the same lay over, She is wanting to tell my boyfriend it was a lie and I enjoyed it. I need to tell my boyfriend and explain and I have no idea where to start. How do I stop my "friend" from trying to destroy my relationship? What does she want? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 28 minutes ago, Becky_ said: What does she want? Your boyfriend. 29 minutes ago, Becky_ said: I'm worried that my boyfriend does hate me. Why are you worried about this? Does he actually hold any contempt for you, or is this fear purely based on the ideas that this loon puts in your mind? 30 minutes ago, Becky_ said: I need to tell my boyfriend and explain and I have no idea where to start. I would sit him down and tell him you have something difficult to talk about, and explain what happened. If he loves you, he will be worried and angry (at the assailant)on your behalf. You do need a better friend-picker, without any question. This woman is not your friend and it doesn't sound as though she ever has been. She's deranged and jealous. I would have set her straight straight a long time ago, and if she didn't stop, I would have gone to HR about her behaviour. I would also strongly encourage you to work on your insecurity and boundaries, as it appears you've let this woman bully you for quite a while. Don't be afraid to assert yourself. If she keeps up, a simple and firm "STOP" - repeated as often as necessary - should start to give her the hint that you won't take her crap.
Wiseman2 Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 35 minutes ago, Becky_ said: She does know something about me my boyfriend doesn't. I was sexually assaulted when I was on a layover in Johannesburg earlier this year. She was on the same lay over, She is wanting to tell my boyfriend it was a lie and I enjoyed it. Is there any way to completely avoid her and block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps? She seems like a total snake. Don't bother telling your BF all this until you are ready.
Author Becky_ Posted August 14, 2021 Author Posted August 14, 2021 She works with us so its more in person. I do need to tell my boyfriend, I shouldn't have kept it from him
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 (edited) If there is any proof of this being done on work time, you can go to HR for harassment. But first you have to have witnesses hearing you telling her to stop talking to you about things that have nothing to do with work. Anyways time to talk to your BF to make sure you are both on the same page about this individual. As for communication..... Don't acknowledge her. Edited August 14, 2021 by smackie9
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 41 minutes ago, Becky_ said: She works with us so its more in person. I do need to tell my boyfriend, I shouldn't have kept it from him Yes, you do. It's important to be able to talk about these things with our partners, so they can better understand our experiences, fears, and emotions. It's that much more pertinent when someone is essentially threatening to manipulate and exploit an already devastating situation for her own gain. She is twisted, OP. What is the reason you didn't feel comfortable telling him before?
FudgeSwirl Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 Jealous people are vile so I am glad you already know that this woman isn't your friend. When you talk to your boyfriend, bring up her and the horribly violating incident together. Any true partner would care to know that someone you work with is trying to go out of her way to be hurtful and the assault. As for this woman, what she is doing is harassment so if you have anything like a Human Resources a department please report her; bringing up a personal matter even if it isn't true should be seen as unprofessional on her part and you deserve to work in a good environment. When you are face-to-face with her even though it's hard, act like you don't care nor believe what she says. People like her feed off making others feel upset and insecure so she doesn't even deserve that satisfaction. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 You should not be calling this person your "friend". She is not your friend. You need to stop all non-work communication with her, and report her bullying to your supervisor. Stand up for yourself more and have better judgment in the future about who you let into your life and consider a "friend." This person should have been cut off as a friend long ago. You need to tell your boyfriend about the sexual assault immediately.... you can't have a relationship if you can't trust your partner to tell things like this. If he reacts negatively or blames you, then you shouldn't be with him. A good boyfriend will support you in this and believe you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Becky_ said: She works with us so its more in person. I do need to tell my boyfriend, I shouldn't have kept it from him Ok she's a coworker but why is she your friend? As far as the Johannesburg situation, you need to know when you are ready to talk about it. You appear to be more stressed about damage control regarding what she claims she'll tell your BF than the assault itself. Why are you letting this enemy-friend dictate when you tell your BF. How could she tell your BF it was a lie if you never told him anything? Why is your BF having these personal conversations with her? You're allowing this person into your personal life way too much. First you claim she's your friend, then you claim you can't avoid her because she works for the same company. Edited August 15, 2021 by Wiseman2
spiderowl Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 (edited) You were right, OP, she is not your friend. She is spreading lies about you and telling you stuff about your boyfriend that is probably not true. It sounds like she is jealous, maybe because she wants him herself or maybe she is jealous that you are being treated well by him. Maybe she wants you! Who knows? I think you need to speak to your boyfriend and tell him what happened in the past. At least that way, he will not feel you have kept something from him. I doubt your boyfriend would believe her lies and certainly any that suggest you enjoyed being abused. No person in their right mind would assume that. How does this 'friend' talk about other people? What do you think her agenda is? How do others see her? I can't imagine she will have many friends if this is how she treats people. She gossips and spreads malicious lies to get attention. She has a serious personality problem. Once your boyfriend is aware of what happened in the past, I would tell him this woman is telling you lies about him and is spreading malicious lies about you. If you can, avoid her. It sounds like it would be difficult to avoid her if she is a colleague of yours. If you can avoid her, then that would be the way to go. Expect her to be angry at you dropping her and expect her to spread more lies as a result. If you and your boyfriend are steady and trust each other, there shouldn't be an issue. If she manages to put a wedge between you, then there's not much you can do about that other than to make a dignified exit from your boyfriend to show you will not put up with any of this maliciousness. Sorry to hear about your accident. I hope you get the treatment you need soon and feel better. Edited August 15, 2021 by spiderowl
Author Becky_ Posted August 15, 2021 Author Posted August 15, 2021 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, you do. It's important to be able to talk about these things with our partners, so they can better understand our experiences, fears, and emotions. It's that much more pertinent when someone is essentially threatening to manipulate and exploit an already devastating situation for her own gain. She is twisted, OP. What is the reason you didn't feel comfortable telling him before? Hi there I know I need to tell my boyfriend, The reason I didn't was he would insist I take time off and possibly even quit, or at least stop working the lucrative routes. (During covid when our airline mostly shutdown, we were living off his savings and wage, I felt horrible doing so). Plus I was in a foreign country and my "friend" was with me, she told me that I would get in trouble and no would believe me as to what happened as when they ask her she would tell them I was "gagging for it" and "Always look for sex on layovers". I don't, I really don't. She also then changed the subject to her, and how my boyfriend would discard me as "used goods". So I pushed it to the back of my mind. I still in private cry about it now. I know my boyfriend would be super supportive, but I also know my vile "friend" would have a few things to add. 1
Author Becky_ Posted August 15, 2021 Author Posted August 15, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok she's a coworker but why is she your friend? As far as the Johannesburg situation, you need to know when you are ready to talk about it. You appear to be more stressed about damage control regarding what she claims she'll tell your BF than the assault itself. Why are you letting this enemy-friend dictate when you tell your BF. How could she tell your BF it was a lie if you never told him anything? Why is your BF having these personal conversations with her? You're allowing this person into your personal life way too much. First you claim she's your friend, then you claim you can't avoid her because she works for the same company. The reason she I thought she was my friend, We worked together alot in my early days and got close. So I thought she was. I'm not worried about damage control. I'm more worried about what other lies she will come out with, The assault haunts me day after day, My Boyfriend doesn't have personal conversations about us. When they are working together, she will try and spark up conversation, He will say "I am working" or "What happens with Me and Becky stays that way". She would then blurt out that I am not what he thinks I am, He always says "I only tolerate her because she is your friend"
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 Why do you even associate with this woman at all? That's a genuine question. I am curious why you interact with her outside of working hours knowing how awful she is. Do you not have other friends? You seem to have zero boundaries with her and I am wondering why that is. What do you say to her when she makes these horrendous comments to you? Literally, how do you respond? 9 minutes ago, Becky_ said: I know my boyfriend would be super supportive, but I also know my vile "friend" would have a few things to add. This won't make any difference if your boyfriend is a good man. He will know she is unstable and cruel. Do they have some sort of personal relationship outside work or something? Report her to HR. Her behaviour is despicable and unacceptable. 1
Caauug Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 11 hours ago, Becky_ said: I feel like my friend is trying to split us up. I am a flight attendant here in the UK, my boyfriend is a captain for the same airline. My friend also works as a flight attendant and she has been putting the poison in with me about my boyfriend. "Misery Likes Company". Just because she can't shag the hot captain, she doesn't want you to either.... 12 hours ago, Becky_ said: I was sexually assaulted when I was on a layover in Johannesburg earlier this year. She was on the same lay over, She is wanting to tell my boyfriend it was a lie and I enjoyed it. Longer you leave this, the more it looks like you are hiding something. If there is no proof it even happened as in police reports, hospital reports or company records..... maybe just deny it even happened. If there is any possible way of getting caught in a lie, don't do it, just tell the BF the truth. This may impact your R with him. How uncomfortable is it going to be working with the BF when he becomes an exBF and your "Friend" is shagging him? Why do people get involved with other people they work with??? Don't mix business and pleasure... 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 25 minutes ago, Becky_ said: He always says "I only tolerate her because she is your friend" Well that's on you. Stop being friends.
Author Becky_ Posted August 15, 2021 Author Posted August 15, 2021 50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why do you even associate with this woman at all? That's a genuine question. I am curious why you interact with her outside of working hours knowing how awful she is. Do you not have other friends? You seem to have zero boundaries with her and I am wondering why that is. What do you say to her when she makes these horrendous comments to you? Literally, how do you respond? This won't make any difference if your boyfriend is a good man. He will know she is unstable and cruel. Do they have some sort of personal relationship outside work or something? Report her to HR. Her behaviour is despicable and unacceptable. We are mainly on the same flights and outside of work I don't interact with her, she sends me texts, calls me and generally bothers me, I only communicate in work because I have to.
Author Becky_ Posted August 15, 2021 Author Posted August 15, 2021 41 minutes ago, Caauug said: "Misery Likes Company". Just because she can't shag the hot captain, she doesn't want you to either.... Longer you leave this, the more it looks like you are hiding something. If there is no proof it even happened as in police reports, hospital reports or company records..... maybe just deny it even happened. If there is any possible way of getting caught in a lie, don't do it, just tell the BF the truth. This may impact your R with him. How uncomfortable is it going to be working with the BF when he becomes an exBF and your "Friend" is shagging him? Why do people get involved with other people they work with??? Don't mix business and pleasure... I have a report from the police, and thats the last thing I want. I need to tell him, I need to tell him now. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 2 minutes ago, Becky_ said: We are mainly on the same flights and outside of work I don't interact with her, she sends me texts, calls me and generally bothers me, I only communicate in work because I have to. So you have written examples of her harrassing you? Keep those. You will need them to present to HR. But you still haven't really clarified: How do you respond when she says these awful things to you? I am just trying to understand how these interactions play out. Does she walk right up to you and say these things? Send them to you via text? Call? 2
d0nnivain Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 Talk to your BF immediately. Tell him about the assault. Tell him about the "friend's" lies & come up with a strategy together. A united front will defeat her. Stop calling her your friend. Save all the nasty text messages but the next time she says anything put her in her place. Call her out to show you know she's trying to get your BF. And for heaven's sake end all contact with her. If possible ask your employer not to schedule you two together.
glows Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 Tell your boyfriend what you need to tell him about your assault but not because of your female coworker. It’s because you feel comfortable with your partner or sense that you can trust him. It also sounds like you should be talking to a therapist or would benefit from counselling to navigate the stress of not working with a torn ACL, a relationship and the effects of this assault and trauma. Do not confide in this female coworker anymore. Have zero to do with her and do not answer any extra questions or non-related personal inquiries. There’s a lot of anxiety and fear in your posts. Stay calm and please rest assured that any man worth his salt or deserving of you wouldn’t run away based on hearsay from a third party. If he does, good riddance and to hell with him. You have low self-esteem and confidence. Don’t let people rob you of this or steal this. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 I am literally not understanding why you haven't blocked this mentally unstable woman on your phone so she can't text and call you. Inform her that she is not welcome to contact you outside of work shifts, and that you are not friends with her. You are still not putting up appropriate boundaries here and you are allowing her to harass you. Tell your boyfriend everything about how she has acted, and that she is not your friend.
Author Becky_ Posted August 15, 2021 Author Posted August 15, 2021 She text me again this morning, Ive took your advice and just told her not to contact me. I've rang my boyfriend who is flying back today and told him I need to talk to him, I'm going to head to our place shortly and have a talk. I am 99% sure he will be alright, just always have that niggling doubt.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 I am glad you told her to stop contacting you. I am also glad you told your boyfriend that you need to talk to him. What concerns me is that you didn't seem to recognize that this woman's behaviour is really, really not normal and that you have allowed her to harass you so long. Why do you suppose that is?
Author Becky_ Posted August 15, 2021 Author Posted August 15, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I am glad you told her to stop contacting you. I am also glad you told your boyfriend that you need to talk to him. What concerns me is that you didn't seem to recognize that this woman's behaviour is really, really not normal and that you have allowed her to harass you so long. Why do you suppose that is? I guess I thought she was lonely. Im not entirely sure.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2021 Posted August 15, 2021 10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: But you still haven't really clarified: How do you respond when she says these awful things to you? And what about this?
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