Sex and first date

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/14/2021 at 12:55 AM, Ava289 said:

I gave him a good back massage as compensation of not having sex

I just want to point out that you were not obligated to 'compensate' him for anything. You barely know him. This sort of thinking can really get you into trouble in relationships. It subliminally sends the message, "I am not worthy of you."

Also, you put yourself in a compromising position to go to a man's apartment, especially a man you barely knew. That, too, communicates a message that you are too eager to please him (it looks like you'll compromise your boundaries for him which is unappealing). Besides, most men interpret a woman going to his apartment 'for drinks' will lead to sex. He may have misinterpreted you as teasing him or playing games, which puts men off. Sleeping over at his place on the first night also sends a bad message. He probably thinks you will sleep at any strange man's place anytime.  (Possibly he was looking for a one night stand anyhow since a gentleman who's genuinely interested would not suggest drinks at his place on the first date imo.)

Better that you never put yourself in such a situation in the first place. Instead, when a man invites you to his place before you are ready for sex, either politely end the date or suggest an alternative activity that will be in sight of others (to ensure it won't lead to sex).

On 8/14/2021 at 12:55 AM, Ava289 said:

When I said "goodbye, I can't wait to see you again" I felt something wrong

You felt something wrong because here you were again showing overeagerness. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone and excited about the prospects for the future, but be cautious about appearing to throw yourself at someone or chasing someone. Learn to read the guy before expressing yourself ("I can't wait" shows like you have no other options and are too available when you've only just met him), and give him space to decide he likes you enough to pursue.

Finally, texting him after not hearing from him, especially asking if you did something wrong, again shows your insecurities and that you think you are not worthy of him. 

These things are a turn off.

Don't beat yourself up though. Learn from your experiences, work on your insecurities, and the right guy will show up soon enough. 

[Ava289]

You all demolished me but you are right, I went to that date taking it easy, till I had a crush on him and drunk to get more confident but sadly that had the opposite effect learning a lesson. Oh by the way he finally answered when I texted "I feel I did something wrong, bla bla bla..., when can I see you again?" I asked an open question on purpose to know for good wether it's a yes or no. But he's too well-mannered and that makes me regret him much more, he responded "Good morning Ava, you were a lovely date, you did nothing wrong"

[d0nnivain]

I didn't mean to demolish you.  I am a tough love blunt person.  

You are right he is a polite person.  Unfortunately, his reply also indicates that he has no interest in seeing you again.  

If you take nothing else from this experience, know that you need to limit yourself to 1-2 drinks; there is no such thing as "liquid courage" & you are better served keeping your own counsel (not disclosing too much too early). 

Use that information wisely with your next date with a new person.  

[Amanda92]

Trust me, we all have bad experiences in dating. I always thought that I will have a crush, go on a date and start a beautiful relationship, but it turned out that most of us have to meet many guys to find love.

Learn lesson and don't worry. The next time you will be smarter and it will be better.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Ava289 said:

You all demolished me but you are right,

Speaking for myself, Ava, I can say I had no intention to demolish you or make you feel badly whatsoever. 

My comments were based on my own many hard-earned lessons. I went through many embarrassing and difficult experiences to learn what I shared. I don't wish that difficulty on you and hope my words can help you spare it in the future. 

From your posts, I get the sense that you don't value yourself quite as much as you should. I recommend you spend a quiet moment reflecting on all your positive and desirable qualities and everything good you're bringing into a relationship. List them all out. 

Next, reflect on all the qualities you want in a romantic partner. Be sure to include every single one you can think of. I recommend you pay special attention to qualities of character such as honest, faithful, empathetic, considerate, thoughtful, etc. List these all out, too. Perhaps you should even prioritize them in order of importance. Also consider diving the list into two subcategories: "must have" and "would like to have."

Have the lists available for you to review from time to time. Next time you meet a guy you're interested in, compare his qualities to your list of what you want in a man. Also, next time you start feeling the guy is on a pedestal or so incredible (after checking him against your list of what you want in a man), run through list of all your great qualities and positive contributions to a relationship. 

This will help you stay balanced and not get too far too fast. It will help you make good decisions in dating. Best wishes!

Edited August 16, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Ava289]

3 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Speaking for myself, Ava, I can say I had no intention to demolish you or make you feel badly whatsoever. 

My comments were based on my own many hard-earned lessons. I went through many embarrassing and difficult experiences to learn what I shared. I don't wish that difficulty on you and hope my words can help you spare it in the future. 

From your posts, I get the sense that you don't value yourself quite as much as you should. I recommend you spend a quiet moment reflecting on all your positive and desirable qualities and everything good you're bringing into a relationship. List them all out. 

Next, reflect on all the qualities you want in a romantic partner. Be sure to include every single one you can think of. I recommend you pay special attention to qualities of character such as honest, faithful, empathetic, considerate, thoughtful, etc. List these all out, too. Perhaps you should even prioritize them in order of importance. Also consider diving the list into two subcategories: "must have" and "would like to have."

Have the lists available for you to review from time to time. Next time you meet a guy you're interested in, compare his qualities to your list of what you want in a man. Also, next time you start feeling the guy is on a pedestal or so incredible (after checking him against your list of what you want in a man), run through list of all your great qualities and positive contributions to a relationship. 

This will help you stay balanced and not get too far too fast. It will help you make good decisions in dating. Best wishes!

The rude truth is useful and all your comments were very welcome. You exactly hit the point that I completely forget about my personal qualities and wonder what a man can find interesting in me, and because of my immigration status, I'm too scared they underestimate me, I'm too scared to have nothing to bring them, I don't know the place, I have nothing exciting to share, I don't know amazing places and don't have ideas to have exciting experiences, I don't want to wait for the man taking me every where and paying for everything but I can't do differently, I start my life from scratch, I have to spend my money wisely and I can't party all the time or have fun all the time, that's what makes me feel diminished comparing to the man , that was absolutely not the case when I was in Bayreuth, comfortable,  confident, surrounded by my friends my families and my coworkers and knowing the city and the people by heart. I have a lot of work to do on myself and thank you very much for all your advices. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

10 minutes ago, Ava289 said:

The rude truth is useful and all your comments were very welcome. You exactly hit the point that I completely forget about my personal qualities and wonder what a man can find interesting in me, and because of my immigration status, I'm too scared they underestimate me, I'm too scared to have nothing to bring them, I don't know the place, I have nothing exciting to share, I don't know amazing places and don't have ideas to have exciting experiences, I don't want to wait for the man taking me every where and paying for everything but I can't do differently, I start my life from scratch, I have to spend my money wisely and I can't party all the time or have fun all the time, that's what makes me feel diminished comparing to the man , that was absolutely not the case when I was in Bayreuth, comfortable,  confident, surrounded by my friends my families and my coworkers and knowing the city and the people by heart. I have a lot of work to do on myself and thank you very much for all your advices. 

I'm not trying to be rude at all but I am very forthright. Perhaps it's a cultural style?? Not sure. 

I honestly think every single thing you are pointing out here could be seen as a desirable quality. I think a woman from a different country might be an especially exciting quality to some men because you will be different from most of the women they are familiar with and exotic. Perhaps this is really a strength you should play into. Truly some men will be mesmerized by stories you tell that are distinct to your culture and heritage. People often fantasize about life in far away places. 

Also, in my opinion, you don't have to have a million dollars to look like a million dollars. There are many places to shop on a budget, and add a little flair of your style and personality into your presentation, you're probably going to be very highly desired and sought after. You're obviously already naturally pretty.

In just a short time, you'll be adjusted to your new environment and taking the dating scene by storm. Take care of yourself first always! Best wishes.

Edited August 16, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Ava289]

2 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I'm not trying to be rude at all but I am very forthright. Perhaps it's a cultural style?? Not sure. 

I honestly think every single thing you are pointing out here could be seen as a stable quality. I think a woman from a different country might be an especially exciting quality to some men because you will be different from most of the women they are familiar with and exotic. Perhaps this is really a strength you should play into. Truly some men will be mesmerized by stories you tell that are distinct to your culture and heritage. People often fantasize about life in far away places. 

Also, in my opinion, you don't have to have a million dollars to look like a million dollars. There are many places to shop on a budget, and add a little flair of your style and personality into your presentation, you're probably going to be very highly desired and sought after. You're obviously already naturally pretty.

In just a short time, you'll be adjusted to your new environment and taking the dating scene by storm. Take care of yourself first always! Best wishes.

I highly appreciate the time you dedicated answering me, don't worry I didn't mean you were rude you were 100% right and helpful. Many thanks again. 

[glows]

You apologized for doing nothing wrong. That kind of insecurity and seeking or needing to hear that you haven’t done anything wrong is a severe turn off when dating. Learn from this and move forwards. You don’t have to keep feeling sorry for yourself either about those bad experiences in the past. Tell yourself: it is done and I’ve learned from it. I will do things differently from now on. 

You went up to his place which was fine but you didn’t handle the drink well and you were tipsy/drunk. In future limit your drinks if you’re feeling adventurous.

Dust yourself off. Forget this man. He sounds terrible by the way. Find a gentleman who takes you out and walks you home.  

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Ava289 said:

The rude truth is useful and all your comments were very welcome. You exactly hit the point that I completely forget about my personal qualities and wonder what a man can find interesting in me, and because of my immigration status, I'm too scared they underestimate me, I'm too scared to have nothing to bring them, I don't know the place, I have nothing exciting to share, I don't know amazing places and don't have ideas to have exciting experiences, I don't want to wait for the man taking me every where and paying for everything but I can't do differently, I start my life from scratch, I have to spend my money wisely and I can't party all the time or have fun all the time, that's what makes me feel diminished comparing to the man , that was absolutely not the case when I was in Bayreuth, comfortable,  confident, surrounded by my friends my families and my coworkers and knowing the city and the people by heart. I have a lot of work to do on myself and thank you very much for all your advices. 

You need to work on your self esteem.  You can read books for free from the library.  Use your immigration status as an asset rather than a liability.  In your new place you are exotic.  You are different from everybody else who grew up there.  You are brave for uprooting your life & changing your circumstances.  You can teach your date about your country & your culture.  Stop thinking of yourself as less than.  You are so much more than the people who never had the courage to explore.  

Everybody has a budget.  Find interesting things to do in your price range.  That doesn't have to mean partying all the time.  It can be exercising; hiking, walking around or attending free events in your town.  There are always free or low cost events to be enjoyed.  Research them.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Ava289 said:

He responded "Good morning Ava, you were a lovely date, you did nothing wrong"

Sorry this happened . Yes this is a polite but uninterested response.

This is a simple problem to fix. Keep the first meet brief and don't drink.

Don't go to your or their place on a first meet. Don't talk about sex and periods on a first date.

So just put this behind you and date smarter next time.

[Ava289]

Guys I wanna talk more because I'm about to lose my mind. I know he's not the only gentleman on earth, but we talked about politics, finance, geography, gastronomy, philosophy, rethinking how much he was polite and well-mannered breaks me, I feel like I'm never going to find the same again. Guys he was CLEAN, no drugs no addictions, a stable job and a stable place to live, his appartment was not messy, every single pillow was at the right place, the bathroom was shining (we know man are generally messy and not as maniac as a woman) he spoke slowly and wisely, ...

Just to give again the cultural references I have. I posted my story on 3 forums, a Lebanese, a french and an American one (this one). The Lebanese told me that going to his apartment was a nice way to tell him "you are trustworthy, I believe you are a gentleman and I trust you" and not having sex was a proof that I don't want a superficial relationship and that I wanted to take time to our relationship to evolve, and that's exactly what I thought.

In the French forum, people told me he's an a**h*** who wanted to add an exotic girl to his hunting board. And if he really appreciated you for more that your physical appearance, not having sex or making some mistakes was not enough to turn off the relationship. 

The American forum (you all here) you helped me to throw away all the previous foreign opinions, you showed me all the does and don'ts and now I have to learn them by heart. 

The thing is, I'm broken now, and remembering all he did right and all what highly pleased me makes me traumatized and incurable

[d0nnivain]

46 minutes ago, Ava289 said:

The thing is, I'm broken now, and remembering all he did right and all what highly pleased me makes me traumatized and incurable

You are giving him too much credit but not giving yourself enough credit.  

You attracted a nice good guy once, you can do it again.  

If you really want to see him again & you want to try making up for the mistakes you made here, you can reach out once & ask him on a date.  I'd say something like 

"My nerves got the better of me on our 1st date which led me to consuming too me liquid courage.  Sorry.  That's really not me so I think I made a poor impression.  I enjoyed talking to you & really respect the gentleman you are.  Let me make it up to you.  How about {suggest an activity that doesn't involve alcohol} on {day, date & time}?  My treat."  

See what he does with that.   Then be on your best sober behavior & go home to your own homes at the conclusion of the date.  Doing this may be able to right the 'ship.  

[Ava289]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are giving him too much credit but not giving yourself enough credit.  

You attracted a nice good guy once, you can do it again.  

If you really want to see him again & you want to try making up for the mistakes you made here, you can reach out once & ask him on a date.  I'd say something like 

"My nerves got the better of me on our 1st date which led me to consuming too me liquid courage.  Sorry.  That's really not me so I think I made a poor impression.  I enjoyed talking to you & really respect the gentleman you are.  Let me make it up to you.  How about {suggest an activity that doesn't involve alcohol} on {day, date & time}?  My treat."  

See what he does with that.   Then be on your best sober behavior & go home to your own homes at the conclusion of the date.  Doing this may be able to right the 'ship.  

I already said kind of the same thing when I texted "I feel like I did something wrong, my appologies, it was my first date here and it was stressful", and he replied "you did nothing wrong you were a lovely date". Any way, during the date I remember he told his date of birth, it's next month, I wonder if it's not too pathetic sending a "happy birthday " assorted with other appologies, I'm between "try again" and "keep you dignity"

[Ava289]

I remember other facts that may be useful, during the entire date he was projecting so meet again, he told me next time I'll meet you half way so you don't have to travel that much, he picked the restaurants matches and gave them to me as a souvenir of out first date (that moment I didn't know that it was a typical american sign of a successful date), and in the morning after we slept (without having sex) he said : " who are you going to talk first about me?", I said "my coworker" because she was there when he came and came back again, he said "why not your sisters?" I said I don't want they worry about me and my relationships. I said "and you?", he said "my best friend "...so this was the last moments before we leave each other. I'm turning mad.

[d0nnivain]

A month is too long to wait.  By then this will dead in the water & you will look desperate. 

You sort of did what I suggested but you missed the most important part  You asked him when can I see you again.  You put the ball in his court.  I suggested you ask him out.  You have not done that. 

I don't know what stereotypes you are considering when you say he took a match book from the place & gave them to you as a souvenir.  I can't even tell you when the last time I saw a venue that gave out matchbooks any more.  Smoking indoors has been banned in NYC for probably close to 20 years.  It was a sweet but antiquated gesture. 

Don't waste your time / energy getting mad.  Just let go.  As I said, you found this one guy.  You will find another.  Maybe this is a side effect of his shyness.  You said you thought it was cute that he send a note through a friend to initially approach you; maybe this is another manifestation -- he just can't work up the courage to ask for the 2nd date.  

[glows]

12 minutes ago, Ava289 said:

I remember other facts that may be useful, during the entire date he was projecting so meet again, he told me next time I'll meet you half way so you don't have to travel that much, he picked the restaurants matches and gave them to me as a souvenir of out first date (that moment I didn't know that it was a typical american sign of a successful date), and in the morning after we slept (without having sex) he said : " who are you going to talk first about me?", I said "my coworker" because she was there when he came and came back again, he said "why not your sisters?" I said I don't want they worry about me and my relationships. I said "and you?", he said "my best friend "...so this was the last moments before we leave each other. I'm turning mad.

He can ask you out on a second date. No more texts or apologies. If he does not ask you out again, he's not interested. Meet others. 

He was teasing you about who you'd talk about with him. I wouldn't even have answered that question. Take it easy.

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, glows said:

He can ask you out on a second date. No more texts or apologies. If he does not ask you out again, he's not interested. Meet others. 

 

100%. You’re spending way too much emotional energy on someone you’ve had only one date with. He might ask you out, or he might not. 

 

3 hours ago, glows said:

Take it easy.

This. It’s one date, with one guy. If you’re crying over this it means you’ve “fallen for” how you think he is in your fantasy world, and it might not have anything to do with how he actually is. You only get to know that after spending a lot of time with someone. And a clean apartment is meaningless…maybe his mom came by the day before to clean it because it was so disgusting before that…

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Ava289 said:

I posted my story on 3 forums, a Lebanese, a french and an American one

Is he Lebanese, French or American?

He knows your contact info, so let the dust settle. Don't keep chasing or apologizing.

[Ava289]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he Lebanese, French or American?

He knows your contact info, so let the dust settle. Don't keep chasing or apologizing.

He's a New Yorker, definitely I'm not texting again. I keep thinking if he was really interested into my inside person, whatever the mistakes I did he wouldn't have been that sharp . 

[Ava289]

You guys have been wonderful interacting with me, I really appreciated. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, Ava289 said:

I have to learn them by heart. 

The thing is, I'm broken now, and remembering all he did right and all what highly pleased me makes me traumatized and incurable

The most important thing to learn by heart is that you are wonderful as you are and worthy of being loved and cherished. Being loved and cherished starts with you: love and cherish yourself before someone else. 

You might feel broken because you seem to have an emptiness inside you where your self-love should be. 

Also, you have this guy way too high on a pedestal. And you have put yourself like dirt on the ground in comparison. Really, please work on this before entering a relationship. 

He's just a man. There are plenty more like him. Focus on all the good in you. Love yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself. No-one will ever be able to fill that emptiness except you. It will take some work. 

Think about this: Close your eyes and Imagine the small child version of you. Imagine how she's feeling. Does she feel sad? Unwanted? Rejected? Unloved? Now imagine putting your arms around her, comforting her, telling her the affirmations she needs to hear with compassion and kindness. Give her what you'd give any small child who is crying, fearful, and sad.

How does this feel for you? This is what you shoukd give yourself all the time. You need to be kind, loving, patient, and compassionate with yourself. you have to see all the beauty and light you bring to the world. Treat yourself like the small child who needs you, depends on you for everything. 

I hope you will try this and practice it.