Sex and first date

[Ava289]

It will be long, but enlighten me because I am inconsolable.

I went to New York to live the American dream. I then met a man who met all my criteria : polite, clean on himself, 4 years older than me (as I like), excellent socio-professional situation, and as a bonus very handsome. He liked when he first saw me at my work place so he went and returned twice hesitating, and finally send his friend who gave me a piece of paper with his number telling me that I am "gorgeous". I really appreciated this shyness, it was cute. A few hours later I texted him, we then texted 10 days before finally met.

Little flashback, I had a lot of mysterious disappearances after having sex the first night, or those interested only in sex, so I SWORN not to have sex the first date, so not to be tempted, I kept my vulva in abandoned grass mode and put on grandmother's panties, on the top of that, a sanitary pad because I was expecting my period.

The date was going on like in a movie, he was early, chic restaurant, he did not count his pennies in the food and the drinks, he was ultra gallant, pulling the chair before I sit down, with the smallest care at the slightest need, full of compliments, the feeling was at the top in both directions. In order neither to disappoint him nor to make him run away, I told him that I don't like one-night relationships, and that because of our cultural differences, excuse me if I make mistakes or anything wrong (I'm Lebanese).

He told me to go up to his place for a last drink (everyone knows what that means) but I was still determined not to have sex but too drunk to go back home. You are going to tell me "so why the f*** did you go to his place?" Well because the last guy who invited me up to his place, I found his wedding photo well exposed, and he was still married, I thought it may still be useful to check on details like that .

We started kissing, I told hir I hope you understand if we don't do it tonight and that I was expecting my period. He seemed to understand, we spent the night flirting, I gave him a good back massage as compensation of not having sex, and he behaved like a gentleman to the end, breakfast tray in bed, kiss in the elevator ... When I said "goodbye, I can't wait to see you again" I felt something wrong. In the evening I texted him "a sweet thought for you, I hope your day went well" he replied "Thank you", yes, just "Thank you".

There we are 2 days later, the worst in terms of waiting, analyzing the date, regrets, anger, sadness, broken self-confidence, I then texted him "Hi, I hope you're fine, I felt like I did something wrong, my appologies if I did. When can I see you again? "

You guessed it, he's not responding. I don't want to text him anymore, I'm emotionally tired, and I want to understand what happened so that I don't make the same mistakes again. Thank you my loves for having read so far

[chillii]

Far as l can tell nothing happened you did fine if he was really into you can't see any problem and he wouldn't mind waiting at all. How long since you last heard from him now ? Maybe you'll still hear from him yet. Be suspicious if it's conveniently in about 10 days time though.

lf he wasn't as into you as he made out then he was probably just expecting an easy one nighter and if that's the case , it was no loss to you then anyway right , well apart form the emotional side of things which l know , is still hard .

 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Ava289 said:

so not to be tempted, I kept my vulva in abandoned grass mode and put on grandmother's panties, on the top of that, a sanitary pad because I was expecting my period.
 

Fkkn lost it here. You killed me. 

 

Sorry that happened. Could really be anything. 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Maldives]

Nothing wrong here. I'm a bloke and if im really into someone I'm not even thinking that sex is on the cards especially on a first date it wouldn't turn me off or put me off that person 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Goodguy05

[basil67]

I think that getting too drunk to go home on a first date could be problematic.  First dates are about impressing - and messy drunk is not impressive. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Ava289 said:

 too drunk to go back home. 

Sorry this happened. Getting too drunk to go home is a huge turn off. So is going on about your period etc. 

Just write it off and date smarter. Stay sober.

You don't need a mental chastity belt, you need to stay sober and get yourself home after a date.

Why not get to know someone?

It's risky to lose that much control of yourself, not to mention quite off putting.

[chillii]

How drunk were you op , just a bit tipsy you mean or ?

lf drunk drunk then yeah that could've done it for sure.

[basil67]

Apparently drunk enough to not be able to go home

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Ava289 said:

He told me to go up to his place for a last drink (everyone knows what that means) but I was still determined not to have sex but too drunk to go back home. You are going to tell me "so why the f*** did you go to his place?" Well because the last guy who invited me up to his place, I found his wedding photo well exposed, and he was still married, I thought it may still be useful to check on details like that .

While appreciating your attempt to do some detective work - 

Going to a man’s apartment on he first date when you are too drunk to go home is not a good plan. You obviously know that. Be careful with this, it is a very risky thing to do. 

[d0nnivain]

Mistakes abound here. 

You were too invested, too smitten.  You made him out to be prince charming when he was so inept he had to send his friend to give you a note like this was 7th grade.  Real men have enough confidence to ask a woman out.  You found it cute. I thought it was pathetic & showed the guy was immature. 

You got too drunk on this date.  That alone may have caused him to think that you have a problem with alcohol or that you routinely behave in an unsafe manner.  It's a turn off. 

You played everything off like your immigration status makes up for a whole host if missteps.  It's not cute.  Don't play incompetent.  It makes you look unattractive. 

Mentioning your period to a guy you barely know is crass.  He doesn't need to know that.  You telling him this in an effort to stave off a sexual advance was too much.  I'd wonder about your past because you felt the need to make this announcement.  It was all too heavy handed.  It also makes it sound like but for the timing you would have been DTF so you look promiscuous.  

You were so focused on not having sex but you were still foolish enough to sleep in this man's house.  The nightcap thing was a ploy to get you into his bed.  You knew this but went anyway under the guise of snooping.  Never get in bed with a date if you don't intend to sleep with them. This non-sexual sleepover makes you a TEASE pure & simple.  It's not attractive. 

The next time you get a date, limit yourself to 1-2 drinks.  Act more like a lady & go home alone when the date is over.  Behaving in a dignified manner will improve your dating success.  

[smackie9]

42 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Mistakes abound here. 

You were too invested, too smitten.  You made him out to be prince charming when he was so inept he had to send his friend to give you a note like this was 7th grade.  Real men have enough confidence to ask a woman out.  You found it cute. I thought it was pathetic & showed the guy was immature. 

You got too drunk on this date.  That alone may have caused him to think that you have a problem with alcohol or that you routinely behave in an unsafe manner.  It's a turn off. 

You played everything off like your immigration status makes up for a whole host if missteps.  It's not cute.  Don't play incompetent.  It makes you look unattractive. 

Mentioning your period to a guy you barely know is crass.  He doesn't need to know that.  You telling him this in an effort to stave off a sexual advance was too much.  I'd wonder about your past because you felt the need to make this announcement.  It was all too heavy handed.  It also makes it sound like but for the timing you would have been DTF so you look promiscuous.  

You were so focused on not having sex but you were still foolish enough to sleep in this man's house.  The nightcap thing was a ploy to get you into his bed.  You knew this but went anyway under the guise of snooping.  Never get in bed with a date if you don't intend to sleep with them. This non-sexual sleepover makes you a TEASE pure & simple.  It's not attractive. 

The next time you get a date, limit yourself to 1-2 drinks.  Act more like a lady & go home alone when the date is over.  Behaving in a dignified manner will improve your dating success.  

Nice Mom talk...couldn't have said it any better

[smackie9]

I agree you got very sloppy and not very lady like. You made yourself out to be trashy. d0nnivian got it right....if you present yourself properly, act like a lady with class, you would be respected and treated as one. Change the behavior, and so will the men.

Edited August 14, 2021 by smackie9

[stillafool]

In the future if you don't plan to have sex with a man then that's that.  You don't have to give them any excuses why you won't do it.  Plus I didn't see where he asked for sex. He was definitely turned off by your getting so drunk you couldn't go home.  What I don't understand if he was so much the gentlemen why couldn't he get you/or you get yourself an Uber?  You still didn't have to stay over.

[ZA Dater]

I think things cut both ways, the OP should not had so much to drink but equally the date should not have pushed for her to come back to his place. Ultimately the whole situation in view did not really work out so neither side can shoulder all of the blame.

[FudgeSwirl]

This guy definitely isn't worth your time at all.  You made a smart move in stopping to text him.  If a guy is really interested, he will always communicate somehow whether it be text or phone call.

Next time you just have to be very careful and never let a first date end in yours or someone else's place especially for safety reasons.  It's a red flag when a guy you barely know invites you back like that even if you seemed too tipsy to go home; if you really were you could always take a cab home.  

While there are many people into one night stands, there are also many people who want real relationships so you can chalk this up as a lesson and be more cautious for the next first date.  First dates are just to feel each other out, get to know each other a bit more, and go home.  

[spiderowl]

Hi Ava,

I'm sorry, I know you are feeling sad.  It's crap when this happens but you have done nothing wrong.  You would probably have felt even worse if you had had sex with him and he left you wondering afterwards.

The guy sounds smooth.  He might be used to having women fall at his feet.  I'd suggest that you don't message him any more unless he is more forthcoming, responds with more than thank you and makes an effort to see you.  

I tend to see it as a red flag when a guy's first contact is to say something flattering about the way I look.  It shows me straight away that that is what he has noticed.  It does not show me what else interests him.  Take your time in getting to know a guy and you will find out whether he is charming and genuinely interested in a relationship or just superficially charming.

Focus on guys who treat you well and who stick around.  It's hard to see through the 'act', I know, but treat it as a learning opportunity.  The right guy will stick around and will be the one keeping in touch with you.

[chillii]

14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Nice Mom talk...couldn't have said it any better

 

 

Funny really , l did think of all that but really , had similar stuff happen back in the day and just about anything else you could think off too and it was never really a biggie apart from the exception of if she was maybe too drunk, to me that was a real turn off. The rest though well , we usually had a fun night . Thought about the period thing too yeah touch and go but had girls feeling a bit anxious about that sort of thing and so warning me , it does happen. The note thing yeah thought that was pretty weird.

 

 

[Calmandfocused]

Agree with all replies so far. 
 

Just wanted to add that texting him like you did afterwards was not a good move and probably sealed the deal for him. 
 

Going forward, instead of having the “I will not have sex on the first date” rule, why not have the “I will not go home with a man in the first date” rule? 
 

That way, you cover all bases. 

[Ava289]

On 8/14/2021 at 7:46 AM, chillii said:

How drunk were you op , just a bit tipsy you mean or ?

lf drunk drunk then yeah that could've done it for sure.

Not drunk drunk, just a little bit slow

[Ava289]

On 8/14/2021 at 3:49 AM, basil67 said:

I think that getting too drunk to go home on a first date could be problematic.  First dates are about impressing - and messy drunk is not impressive. 

I really was not messy, I'm honestly a wise drinker whatever my mood is, I just get slow and sleepy that's the worst I can reach.

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, Ava289 said:

I really was not messy, I'm honestly a wise drinker whatever my mood is, I just get slow and sleepy that's the worst I can reach.

Why didn't you get an Uber home instead of spending the night?

[Ava289]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why didn't you get an Uber home instead of spending the night?

He was about to call an uber, then he changed his mind and gave me a pyjama, he confused me too and I was too slow to understand what he meant or what he wanted

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Ava289 said:

he confused me too and I was too slow to understand what he meant or what he wanted

Keep in mind if you are not in control, going to someone's home is risky after drinking on a first date. For example your drink could be spiked.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Ava289 said:

then he changed his mind and gave me a pyjama, he confused me too and I was too slow to understand what he meant or what he wanted

This is the problem.  Women saying they're confused about what a man means or wants.  If you're confused ask questions to get clarity and it doesn't matter what another person wants you have to do what is best for you.  Do not leave that decision into the hands of another.

[Amanda92]

Are you lonely after moving abroad? Maybe try to find some friends?

We all make mistakes. Treat it like a lesson and the next time don't drink an alcohol and don't go home with a stranger.