My first casual relationship - some questions.

[introverted1]

47 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

If you would be “very hurt“ I would argue it’s no longer casual for you, in every definition I have ever heard the word “casual” used. If we’re making up new definitions to words and they no longer have a set meaning, then sure you can use it, but then no one would be able to communicate properly. 

I agree.

To me,"casual" means that there is an expiration date. The person saying s/he wants "casual" is essentially saying:  we can have fun now but don't expect this to last because, at some point, I am going to pull the plug. It can also mean not to expect consistent communication/get togethers, this isn't your 3am person, etc., but it's also possible those things *will* be present, at least in the short term.  The big key to casual is that it's understood up front that this r/s isn't going to go the distance. The outcome is known.

This (again, to me) is quite different from what Poppy is describing, which I take as being in the early stages of a relationship, where the people are still getting to know each other and feelings are growing but the outcome is unknown: the relationship could become serious OR it could fizzle out. 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

This (again, to me) is quite different from what Poppy is describing, which I take as being in the early stages of a relationship, where the people are still getting to know each other and feelings are growing but the outcome is unknown: the relationship could become serious OR it could fizzle out. 

Thank you, that is exactly what I'm saying!!  💛

 

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I agree.

To me,"casual" means that there is an expiration date. The person saying s/he wants "casual" is essentially saying:  we can have fun now but don't expect this to last because, at some point, I am going to pull the plug. It can also mean not to expect consistent communication/get togethers, this isn't your 3am person, etc., but it's also possible those things *will* be present, at least in the short term.  The big key to casual is that it's understood up front that this r/s isn't going to go the distance. The outcome is known.

This (again, to me) is quite different from what Poppy is describing, which I take as being in the early stages of a relationship, where the people are still getting to know each other and feelings are growing but the outcome is unknown: the relationship could become serious OR it could fizzle out. 

Oh, I didn’t know that was what Poppy was saying. I thought she said that casual can mean whatever you want it to mean and that it can entail as much emotional investment as serious relationship. , I don’t see how that could be which is why I wanted some clarification. I understand why a casual relationship would make someone a little bit anxious if they were emotionally invested. I mean, I have told a guy that I wanted something casual and I’m not saying that’s still not the case, but  I do get a little anxious knowing that I basically told him to not emotionally invest. That’s because I know I basically told him this does have an expiration date and he shouldn’t be seeing me as a serious partner… so it’s normal for him to look elsewhere for that if that’s what he seeks( and Ihave reason to believe it is) 
 

 I believe generally ( always exceptions, but I don’t think people should lead with those) people go into a relationship with a thing in mind with a particular person at a particular time. If you’re just playing the field or you want a partner. They either plan a long term relationship with this person or not. I don’t think it takes a great deal of time to ascertain if emotional investment /attachment is likely to follow. I know this to be true of myself and also from reading message boards and talking to many people it’s definitely an exception and not the norm to have those feelings develop very very slowly

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I want to add that I generally believe people go into a relationship with a thing in mind with a particular person. They either plan a long term relationship with this person or not. I don’t think it takes a great deal of time to ascertain if emotional investment /attachment is likely to follow. I know this to be true of myself and also from reading message boards and talking to many people it’s definitely an exception and not the norm to have those feelings develop very very slowly

I agree again, for the most part.  But even if I meet a guy and think he's a viable long-term prospect, I am not going to define the r/s as "serious" in the first few weeks/months.  It takes time to get there, imo. The first 3 months are typically the make-or-break period where things either work out or fizzle out. If they work out, the r/s starts to migrate to "serious" but it can still be many more months before you know if it really has staying power.  This is my take, at least.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I agree again, for the most part.  But even if I meet a guy and think he's a viable long-term prospect, I am not going to define the r/s as "serious" in the first few weeks/months.  It takes time to get there, imo. The first 3 months are typically the make-or-break period where things either work out or fizzle out. If they work out, the r/s starts to migrate to "serious" but it can still be many more months before you know if it really has staying power.  This is my take, at least.

You and I are of the same mindset introverted, on the same wavelength.

Apologies to those who were confused, that I did not articulate properly or better.

Forget I ever used the word "casual" to define what my guy and I have.

I only meant it's not serious, it's been less than two months 

Our feelings/emotions are growing, building.  It's possible at some point they may fizzle out.

If it hapoenrd today, I would be sad and hurt but still OK.  

I honestly do not worry about what tomorrow will bring, I live for this moment. Today.  Now.  In the present. 

I realize this may sound hokey or even like BS to some, but it's truly how I feel.

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I agree again, for the most part.  But even if I meet a guy and think he's a viable long-term prospect, I am not going to define the r/s as "serious" in the first few weeks/months.  It takes time to get there, imo. The first 3 months are typically the make-or-break period where things either work out or fizzle out. If they work out, the r/s starts to migrate to "serious" but it can still be many more months before you know if it really has staying power.  This is my take, at least.

Yeah, again,  I totally understand a relationship being casual in the beginning and waiting 2-3 months to dtr is pretty standard. That’s also because some people are nervous in jumping the gun etc. But slowly in this time, you do see emotions getting involved, especially when you’re being repeatedly intimate with each other, a lot of times already slept together many times, etc. and feelings begin to get stronger. Then it is not so casual unless one person or the other doesn’t feel that way or develop those feelings   That why near the 3 month mark, sooner and not later, you get a lot of people who are antsy to define the relationship  .it’s because they want to know they are on the same page on that front because by then it’s casual in name only.  In the cases where you know you are you don’t really need to do that 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You and I are of the same mindset introverted, on the same wavelength.

Apologies to those who were confused, that I did not articulate properly or better.

Forget I ever used the word "casual" to define what my guy and I have.

I only meant it's not serious, it's been less than two months 

Our feelings/emotions are growing, building.  It's possible at some point they may fizzle out.

If it hapoenrd today, I would be sad and hurt but still OK.  

I honestly do not worry about what tomorrow will bring, I live for this moment. Today.  Now.  In the present. 

I realize this may sound hokey or even like BS to some, but it's truly how I feel.

 

Well in a serious relationship things fizzle out too. People live. Sorry Imisunderstood your statements . I was just taking them for face value which is why I  asked for clarification. I’m too much of a literal person,  I guess, but I didn’t mean to be rude. Was genuinely curious about your thoughts. 
 

I think if it would hurt a lot if he left it is no longer casual for you. calling it casual there would be kind of a misnomer.

Edited August 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

So how would you describe a dating situation where you are getting to know someone but the relationship is not yet serious?  

Dating.    That is what dating means. . . spending time together to determine if you want to continue spending time together; getting to know one another.  

To me "casual" implies that there is not a commitment, there never will be a commitment, there is no interesting in growing closer.  

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Dating.    That is what dating means. . . spending time together to determine if you want to continue spending time together; getting to know one another.  

To me "casual" implies that there is not a commitment, there never will be a commitment, there is no interesting in growing closer.  

Yea that’s why I’ve always taken it to mean too ,

[spiderowl]

I think this is what can get confusing about casual relationships.  Although the fundamental basis of them is that they are casual, in practice people often do all the romantic things you described, partly because they feel they can enjoy all that without commitment.  They feel free to be themselves at that moment in time.  

Please don't make the mistake of thinking there is anything more to it than that.  This is the trap, feeling as though you are in a relationship when the other person is just having fun and enjoying the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.  It does not mean that they want commitment (ever) or that they are falling in love.

There are exceptions, of course, but in general it would not be wise to interpret loving behaviour within a casual relationship as anything more than casual fun.  There are reasons why people say they want a casual relationship.

[poppyfields]

[ ]

My final advice is she needs to clarify with HIM about what he means.

We all have our own spin based on our own experiences and projections, the ONLY person who can clarify what he meant by casual is him.

Edited August 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic content

[Gaeta]

To me the cuddling means nothing if he's used the word 'merely casual'. The cudding is in no way an indication of growing feelings. He just enjoys hugging a warm body. I would interpret him staying overnight as him wanting morning sex. 

Of course all relationships starts by dating casually but I would not date someone announcing loud and clear at the very begining that he wants a merely casual relationship. Sure I know couples here and there that their serious relationship started with casual sex but they are the random exception. 

I would ask him to define what he means exacly by casual. It's your life, your heart, your time, you are entitled of an explination. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me the cuddling means nothing if he's used the word 'merely casual'.

I agree.  I see cuddling carries a lot of weight wiith women these days and it means nothing really except enjoying a warm hug.  You can cuddle with a puppy.   People need to raise their standards.

[poppyfields]

Another possibility would be to manage expectations.  It’s possible his previous girlfriends pushed, pressured, forced and rushed a relationship before enough time had passed and it turned things sour, which can happen.

By telling you he is seeking casual (for now?), he’s preventing that from happening, thus you’re able to develop things slowly, naturally, organically.

The point is there are so many different possibilities, if it’s stressing you this much to start a thread, talk to HIM about it.

Don't guess, speculate or assume.   Communicate, openly and honesly..

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[jspice]

You should probably ask him what he understands by “casual”.

To me “casual” means he’s saying:

No commitment 

don’t expect anything from me

if you pressure me for more im going to remind you I said this was “casual” when we started. 

Sex doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship 

 

[Miss Spider]

I think one of the biggest things mistakes a person can make with this( and men do this ro in my experience)  is that it’s to assume that if a person says they want casual than any other behaviors after that disclaimer imply that they  changed/will change their mind about it. Particularly if it is things like cuddling, kissing, talking about problems, or going out to eat with you. I I think people read into this stuff as some form of romantic attachment. But it is perfectly possibleTo want to do all these things with someone that you are not romantically  into it all. We are not robots. People want to cuddle and kiss someone that they find attractive. I’d say it would be kind of weird if he just effed you and left. You’re a human being not a sex toy and I’m sure he likes you. We usually don’t dislike people we have sex( though I’ve done that lol) But it actually feels great to cuddle and spend time with people we’re attracted to . Doesn’t mean we ‘re feeling them like that or want a rship with them. 

[Lisa]

Note from mods:  The thread has just had an extensive clean up, removing debating and repetitive posting    While it's great to see much enthusiasm on a post, please remember to keep your posts focused around her predicament. 

[Emilyinroses]

23 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Another possibility would be to manage expectations.  It’s possible his previous girlfriends pushed, pressured, forced and rushed a relationship before enough time had passed and it turned things sour, which can happen.

By telling you he is seeking casual (for now?), he’s preventing that from happening, thus you’re able to develop things slowly, naturally, organically.

The point is there are so many different possibilities, if it’s stressing you this much to start a thread, talk to HIM about it.

Don't guess, speculate or assume.   Communicate, openly and honesly..

 

I agree she needs to ask him what is casual for him before continuing to sleep with him.

[ ] 

So I agree the OP needs to have an open conversation with the guy. And if they’re not in the same page, move on. There are so many men in the world, why become attach to one that will never lead to anything!?

Edited August 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fact checking required

[Alpacalia]

Because our interactions are made up of two separate individuals, there is no one-size-fits-all strategy for predicting how your casual relationship will unfold. What's important is that you are honest with yourself about how you feel and that you distance yourself from uncommitted partners if you are ever uncomfortable.

Aside from that, have you thought about why you agreed to a casual relationship in the first place?

You don't have to answer it here if you're not comfortable, but it's something to consider.

[Agentra]

UPDATE

Hi all, thanks for all the replies in this thread. I'm sorry for taking this long to update, but smart me forgot the password for a while there. 

Low and behold, it's over. And surprise-surprise, I got hurt. It's been a couple days and, thinking about it now, realistically I am aware that I didn't even know him well enough to have any meaningful feelings for him. I enjoyed the fantasy and the idea of him I'd made up in my mind. I think it's my ego that took a massive blow and left me with "break up blues". I couldn't sleep for a short while there, didn't eat. Stomach was in knots. You know how it goes. 

He put an end to it (after I questioned him about pulling back) because some other girl had recently come back to our country for university and he didn't want to juggle multiple women. They hadn't seen each other for a over a year but had kept in touch. She's a foreigner and my guess is that she will leave once again after she's done with her education. He said they're also casual but I don't know, to keep in touch with somebody like that for a year, that takes effort, doesn't it? 

He's still keeping in touch with me, somewhat. I did tell him that if he ever comes to ask for sex again, I'll blacken his eye. Maybe sounds a bit brutal but I'm trying to take it with some (dark-ish) humour. It feels like it's a game for him. He saw I pulled back after he, well, dumped me, I also expressed my thoughts on it, that I didn't like how he just dropped me like that. We went for a walk that day and I handled it like a champ though. I was happy and smiles, kissed his cheek goodbye in the end and left. After that he's been the one reaching out to me. It is a game to him. 

I'm aware it sounds rather pitiful and what not, and clearly my standards are very low, but every time he texts me or gives me that minimal effort, it flatters me. And every time he stops texting me, gets busy or stays offline for a long time, it stings. I'm trying my best to hold onto the confidence that I do have and just forget and go with the flow of life. Ultimately the reason I said yes to the casual situationship in the first place - because I thought I'm confident now, that I respect myself, and that I can do it. I'd been working on myself so hard for over a year. I thought I could handle it. Most of you caught on that I was still hoping for more, though. 

I've definitely pulled back. But I have a hard time cutting him out. Truth is, I've been alone and isolated for so long now. I literally do not have a single friend. And with him, it was company. And it still is some kind of company. It's something at least. 

I'm trying to do better, trying to go outside more as sitting at home depresses me. But I don't have hobbies where I could meet people and at work everybody is twice as old as me. I'm trying to build up courage so I could simply make small-talk with strangers here and there, for my sake. Yesterday I told a waitress at a cafe how I loved her hair (it was bright red), she smiled and looked really happy. I liked that.

Will see what's next for me. Thank you all. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you ended up getting hurt.  For you to even notice that he pulled back & feeling compelled to point that out to him saws you were far more invested than you knew was good for you & way more than the parameters of this casual thing allowed.  

Some people aren't wired for casual.  If you have now learned that you are one of them, consider this an experiment & growth opportunity & don't attempt something like this again.  

You have identified being isolated & not having friends.  It's time to change that.  It's  a new semester at university.  Time to get involved.  Make some friends & do things to feel less isolated.  

[Agentra]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm sorry you ended up getting hurt.  For you to even notice that he pulled back & feeling compelled to point that out to him saws you were far more invested than you knew was good for you & way more than the parameters of this casual thing allowed.  

Some people aren't wired for casual.  If you have now learned that you are one of them, consider this an experiment & growth opportunity & don't attempt something like this again.  

You have identified being isolated & not having friends.  It's time to change that.  It's  a new semester at university.  Time to get involved.  Make some friends & do things to feel less isolated.  

Thanks! I definitely learned my lesson. The lack of stability isn't something I want to put up with any longer, it made me nervous and quite paranoid. Parts of it were nice still. I'm glad I got to have this. 

I'm trying hard not to compare, or blame myself. But the thoughts still nag at me sometimes. Maybe I was boring, not pretty enough, maybe this, maybe that. How to even properly cope with that? So far I've just ignored those thoughts best I can through distraction. 

This may sound silly but how to even make friends? I'm done with my education and I've settled pretty well with my current role. I work in a big company, earn well. I'm alright. Just clueless about meeting others my age and finding things to relate with. I'm quite introverted anyway, my hobbies include art, reading and playing the drums. All of it I do alone. 

[d0nnivain]

Do you create the art?  Can you take a class to improve your skills & meet people? 

Start saying hi to somebody at work. . . let that grow into a friendship.  

Can you attend alumni events for your university?   

Volunteer doing something you care about.  Raise money for an art museum or become a docent (tour guide) once the world re-opens.  Get yourself on a library board.  Volunteer for Literacy Volunteers, teaching people to read.  

[Miss Spider]

IMO, casual can be all different levels of affection depending, but it’s a title intended to draw some distance and temper any future expectations, generally Bc the person’s not as into you as they are something/someone else. When a person is really into you, watch how fast they don’t want to be “casual “anymore., 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Agentra]

7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

IMO, casual can be all different levels of affection depending, but it’s a title intended to draw some distance and temper any future expectations, generally Bc the person’s not as into you as they are something/someone else. When a person is really into you, watch how fast they don’t want to be “casual “anymore., 

Why do you think he is still communicating with me, even though I told him no more "funny business" in the future? Because he has nothing better to do? :')