kalisays Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 Hey guys, looking to get some perspective on this situation/wondering if I’m just overthinking. I’m in a new relationship and I personally have tons of trust issues. He (25M) is very sweet and I’m his first girlfriend. When we’re together, he always tells me how pretty I am, how he’s lucky to have me, and how he likes spending time with me. So I went on a date with him yesterday. On the date we made plans to go to this art gallery on Wednesday. The next day, I realized that I had an appointment on Wednesday and couldn’t go. I texted him to tell him Wednesday was no good and mentioned I was free Monday/Tuesday. He did not respond to me for nearly 5 hours which is unlike him. I ended up calling him and when I asked what he was up to, he said he wasnt doing anything. He said he had seen my text. He briefly said “maybe Monday” but mentioned he had plans Tuesday. We hung up. He texted me a little bit after but never confirmed the plans with me. I have a weird feeling about the way he responded to me and I’m paranoid he’s becoming disinterested and planning on breaking up or something. Was his behaviour kind of odd?
glows Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 You're rushing this too early. Calm down or you'll push him away. 5 hours is not long. He could be contemplating cancelling with friends just to be with you on Tues instead of the Weds you previously both agreed on. You cannot expect someone to rearrange their schedule for you in less than 24 hours. Do you have anything else you'd rather be doing on a Tues? If no, let it be. There is no eminent rush to confirm on your calendar. Give it a couple more days for him to get back to you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, kalisays said: He did not respond to me for nearly 5 hours . I ended up calling him and when I asked what he was up to, How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? Try not to text-tether anyone out of insecurities then chase that by calling. Deal with the "trust" issues. Were you cheated on? If someone can't do something besides texting you for a few hours without an interrogation, you need to cool down. Relax, people need space. Just reschedule at a more mutually convenient time. He may be getting claustrophobic if you are smothering him with texts. However that's a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you cling and control, the more pushback you'll encounter. Edited August 13, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 No his behavior was not odd. Your insecurities are making you nuts. Just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation to do so. You have no idea what he was doing during those 5 hours. He had no obligation to be at your back & call. He knows Wednesday is off. You know he can't do next Tuesday. Monday is still tentative. You can firm up plans next time you see each other. For now, chill. There is no need to push this. It's not a matter of life & death. 3
Caauug Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, kalisays said: On the date we made plans to go to this art gallery on Wednesday. The next day, I realized that I had an appointment on Wednesday and couldn’t go. I texted him to tell him Wednesday was no good So he's done his ground work, organized two dates, the one you were on and the art gallery. You confirm in person the art gallery is a go.... He would be feeling confidant of everything working out. Then you text him a rejection to say no. No one wants to read a rejection text, it doesn't matter about excuses.... To say your reasons are justified is to say, his feeling should be nullified and should never count. You said "yes" to the second date that gave him false hope then crushed it in a text.... Good Luck. Edited August 13, 2021 by Caauug 1
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 4 minutes ago, Caauug said: So he's done his ground work, organized two dates, the one you were on and the art gallery. You confirm in person the art gallery is a go.... He would be feeling confidant of everything working out. Then you text him a rejection to say no. No one wants to read a rejection text, it doesn't matter about excuses.... To say your reasons are justified is to say, his feeling should be nullified and should never count. You said "yes" to the second date that gave him false hope then crushed it in a text.... Good Luck. That's a little harsh. She didn't shine him on nor did she reject him. She rescheduled. It would have been better had she known or checked her schedule before agreeing to the Wednesday art gallery date but when she realized the error she tried to correct it. True his disappointment may have contributed to the 5 hour delay in his response but she did not cruelly blow the guy off. Flexibility is the key to a relationship; anybody who can't handle a schedule change is not worth dating. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Caauug said: to say your reasons are justified is to say, his feeling should be nullified and should never count. Huh? Where are coming up to that extreme conclusion? I doubt he is that fragile or catastrophic in his thinking. Edited August 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 2
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 How long have you been dating? Do you only have weekday dates? 1
Author kalisays Posted August 13, 2021 Author Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: How long have you been dating? Do you only have weekday dates? Just a couple weeks, and yes, so far all our dates have occurred on weekdays. I sometimes work weekends. Edited August 13, 2021 by kalisays
JRabbit Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 It's actually a red flag to start harping on someone for not replying to you in time. So don't do that....sit back and play it cool. If he doesn't reach out then you have your answer. Yes waiting sucks, but trying to control a persons communication to you is not healthy especially this early on. Try to work on your anxiety. Remember the anxiety is something you are carrying, not him. He is likely thinking about hockey or something lol 2
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 15 minutes ago, kalisays said: Just a couple weeks, and yes, so far all our dates have occurred on weekdays. I sometimes work weekends. Ok, so dating for a couple of weeks isn't a relationship yet. It's a time for you 2 to assess each other and see if you're compatible and a time to check your level of seriousness. Things can abort at any time so don't put too much hope in this man yet. Not seeing a text for 5 hours is not unusual, people work, have errands, have visitors, and a bunch of reasons to not see your text right away. In this case here he admitted he had seen your text so he voluntarely did not acknowledge your text. He did not have to give you an answer right away but he could have acknowledge your text with *let me check a couple of things I'll get back to you*. The fact you're his first girlfriend does not give him a pass on politeness, kindness, good clear communication. He's 25, not 5. At this point your role is to observe and take notes and decide in the next couple of weeks if this is someone you want to keep on dating. Do not communicate with him again. Let him show you who he is and don't pick up his slack. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 27 minutes ago, kalisays said: Just a couple weeks, and yes, so far all our dates have occurred on weekdays. I sometimes work weekends. A couple thoughts come to mind: you've only been seeing each other a couple of weeks and you already refer to him as your boyfriend? How long have you known him, and why so fast? Also: If you've only been dating a couple weeks, you don't really know what is out of character (or not) for him yet. You're still really getting to know him. Two or three weeks is not long enough to establish how someone really conducts themselves when they're dating. Meaning, you're still figuring out what his baseline is. Yes, maybe he always replied quickly before but that usually isn't sustainable over long periods of time. People get busy, have other things going on, get tired, stressed and so on. A 5-hour delay is nothing. I personally would not have called, but rather just got busy doing other things and assumed he'd get back to me when he could. No need to call and ask if he saw the message. Take a deep breath. You're letting your previous insecurities steer the ship right now. 2
Author kalisays Posted August 13, 2021 Author Posted August 13, 2021 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Ok, so dating for a couple of weeks isn't a relationship yet. It's a time for you 2 to assess each other and see if you're compatible and a time to check your level of seriousness. Things can abort at any time so don't put too much hope in this man yet. Not seeing a text for 5 hours is not unusual, people work, have errands, have visitors, and a bunch of reasons to not see your text right away. In this case here he admitted he had seen your text so he voluntarely did not acknowledge your text. He did not have to give you an answer right away but he could have acknowledge your text with *let me check a couple of things I'll get back to you*. The fact you're his first girlfriend does not give him a pass on politeness, kindness, good clear communication. He's 25, not 5. At this point your role is to observe and take notes and decide in the next couple of weeks if this is someone you want to keep on dating. Do not communicate with him again. Let him show you who he is and don't pick up his slack. He was the one who asked me to be his girlfriend a couple dates in.
kendahke Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 44 minutes ago, kalisays said: Just a couple weeks, is that two weeks? How many, exactly?
smackie9 Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 OK lower you expectations. This guy has never had a GF. He still has his training wheels on. Cut the guy some slack.
Els Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) [] The five hours isn't an issue at all IMO, but if he's being wishy-washy about next week's plans, then that might be a problem. You rescheduling a date is also perfectly fine, it wasn't like you said "no" or stood him up at the last minute. [] Edited August 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Rudeness 1
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 27 minutes ago, kalisays said: He was the one who asked me to be his girlfriend a couple dates in. I assume what he meant is that he wanted you to date exclusively. You 2 still need to go through the process of getting to know each other and to decide if you are compatible. He still needs to put the work in and court you. If to him having a girlfriend means he doesn't have to put his best foot forward anymore and you'll endure anything, he's not much of a boyfriend, right. In the next couple of weeks you may discover he's a great guy, or you may discover he prioritizes everything except you. 1 1
mark clemson Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 13 hours ago, kalisays said: I’m in a new relationship and I personally have tons of trust issues. He (25M) is very sweet and I’m his first girlfriend. Was his behaviour kind of odd? If you're his first GF at 25 his social skills are probably weak. The situation you mention might be due to that - he may not fully understand how important communication is in a relationship. If you like him a lot, let a few things slide and then reassess in a few weeks as to how it's going.
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) On one side, I’d say this is nightmare fuel,., You can’t go 5 hours without responding without the other person starting to question the entire relationship.. this a huge reason I’ve elected to be single. Because if it’s not one five hours, it’s day. If it’s not a day, it’s a couple. If not that, a week. And I’ve got enough responsibilities On the other hand, I’m like where are you finding these people where this is normal? Because in all my Rships, particularly near the beginning where the excitement and infatuation is as high as it will ever be, a five hour response time and “maybe Monday” is not normal. Where are these people? I just broke it off with a guy who owns a company and runs a team of 45 people and he never took 5 hours. Ya’ll are optimistic af. Nay, it isn’t normal and in fact it’s a red flag of low interest . Maybe it is your trust issues/ clinginess that’s caused it. Maybe not. But it’s there nonetheless. Edited August 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Author kalisays Posted August 13, 2021 Author Posted August 13, 2021 4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: On one side, I’d say this is nightmare fuel,., You can’t go 5 hours without responding without the other person starting to question the entire relationship.. this a huge reason I’ve elected to be single. Because if it’s not one five hours, it’s day. If it’s not a day, it’s a couple. If not that, a week. And I’ve got enough responsibilities On the other hand, I’m like where are you finding these people where this is normal? Because in all my Rships, particularly near the beginning where the excitement and infatuation is as high as it will ever be, a five hour response time and “maybe Monday” is not normal. Where are these people? I just broke it off with a guy who owns a company and runs a team of 45 people and he never took 5 hours. Ya’ll are optimistic af. Nay, it isn’t normal and in fact it’s a red flag of low interest . Maybe it is your trust issues/ clinginess that’s caused it. Maybe not. But it’s there nonetheless. See, thats what Im afraid of. In person he acts so into me, always complimenting me and telling me he’s lucky to have met me, then he ignores me over text. Honestly makes me feel like I’m not a priority to him.
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 6 minutes ago, kalisays said: See, thats what Im afraid of. In person he acts so into me, always complimenting me and telling me he’s lucky to have met me, then he ignores me over text. Honestly makes me feel like I’m not a priority to him. But you've only had 2 dates, the *in person* sample you have is too little. Compliments are easy and cheap, you need to observe his actions and his desire to do things right.
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: But you've only had 2 dates, Whoa is this true
Author kalisays Posted August 13, 2021 Author Posted August 13, 2021 7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Whoa is this true No, we’ve been on like 5 dates… 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, kalisays said: No, we’ve been on like 5 dates… You need to realize that you essentially agreed to be in a relationship with a stranger. It's going to take a lot longer than 5 dates to figure out what his typical patterns are. Edited August 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2021 Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, kalisays said: No, we’ve been on like 5 dates… Okay I see. Tbh I don’t think there’s any point in which your can fail safe yourself from the other person losing interest. Is the slow texting a relatively new development or something that’s always been there. Perhaps he was irked that you couldn’t do Wednesday. It’s hard to say but I don’t think it sounds normal at all Honestly, when my friends have said that the guy is really interested in person yet is very blasé and slow and any other means of communication it has always been something not too good. Like they were playing them but I am not gonna go there because I do not know for sure and neither do you. I’d say see if this is a pattern and see if it’s a pattern you can handle Edited August 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Recommended Posts