Should I respond to my ex's bait or keep ghosting him?

[Miss Spider]

Ty 

 

so today is the day I’m supposed to collect my stuff/money from him at 9 to 10 PM and not a peep from him. Anyone taking bets? 
 

 

I thought about this. And the fact that he told me that he has this money( I would’ve otherwise not even known at all) of mine was complete bait. 
 

He knows me and he breadcrumbed me all the way through the woods to the gingerbread house, where I’m thinking I’m going to get my stacks , but he is actually just going to push me in the oven.
 

  Last year, after I broke up with him, he had given me a family heirloom to wear but wanted me to return it since we weren’t together anymore. I was completely cool with that, however admittedly I took my sweet time giving it back to him simply because it wasn’t a priority. I dragged it out for about three months kept saying I dropped it off at the mailbox when I really didn’t and wouldn’t give him a tracking number. I get it isn’t cool he’s trying to pay me back. What I don’t think is cool is retaliation and I will not be played like that. So if he doesn’t give it back, I’m not gonna worry about it. If he doesn’t want to meet up tonight, I’ll be mean to him and then let it go for good. I’m not gonna be pressed

 

Edited August 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Ty 

 

so today is the day I’m supposed to collect my stuff/money from him at 9 to 10 PM and not a peep from him. Anyone taking bets? 
 

 

I thought about this. And the fact that he told me that he has this money( I would’ve otherwise not even known at all) of mine was complete bait. 
 

He knows me and he breadcrumbed me all the way through the woods to the gingerbread house, where I’m thinking I’m going to get my stacks , but he is actually just going to push me in the oven.
 

  Last year, after I broke up with him, he had given me a family heirloom to wear but wanted me to return it since we weren’t together anymore. I was completely cool with that, however admittedly I took my sweet time giving it back to him simply because it wasn’t a priority. I dragged it out for about three months kept saying I dropped it off at the mailbox when I really didn’t and wouldn’t give him a tracking number. I get it isn’t cool he’s trying to pay me back. What I don’t think is cool is retaliation and I will not be played like that. So if he doesn’t give it back, I’m not gonna worry about it. If he doesn’t want to meet up tonight, I’ll be mean to him and then let it go for good. I’m not gonna be pressed

 

Cookies, I hope you both get your stuff returned and you can close this chapter! 
I’m gonna hedge my bet on him meeting you. But I think he will be late on purpose.
10 bucks on you throwing the book at him , figuratively or literally =P
 

If he didn’t show up at all, (from his view) he he would likely have no moral standing left with the way in which it was ended!  

[Miss Spider]

8 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Cookies, I hope you both get your stuff returned and you can close this chapter! 
I’m gonna hedge my bet on him meeting you. But I think he will be late on purpose.
10 bucks on you throwing the book at him , figuratively or literally =P
 

If he didn’t show up at all, (from his view) he he would likely have no moral standing left with the way in which it was ended!  

Ty foxy babe

 

lol at throwing book.

 

You were right. Was marginally awkward, but guess who got her stuff back? And a fat check !!! Yes !!! It’s your girl. Drinks are on me, foxy!!! Yay  

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

He included a long *** letter. In the letter he says “even though I don’t know if you’ll answer,  I want to ask a few questions because I honestly don’t want to be another one of your bitter exes. 
 

Why did you hold my things hostage the first time?
 

- I wasn’t trying to. It seriously just wasn’t a priority for me at the time and didn’t know it was so urgent:  I was super busy

 

Why are you so angry? You broke up with me. Who is really the bitter ex here?
 

- angry at you because you are trying to stay in my life and trying to keep my things hostage, Or at least I felt like that

 

What are the reasons behind you thinking that “you and I are too different and time will only deep the divide“?I think you and I can agree that people in general want to understand and they want resolution.  If it’s the amount of money I make, say it. My smoking? Drinking? I honestly have no clue and I’m just trying to get some clarity.

 

- just everything. Everything about him in general. 
 

so, I’m like do I respond to these things? Or do I just let it go. I mean I appreciate him giving my stuff back so I guess I should return a nice gesture but I don’t know if I should really open up and talk to him again. He said that he was going to leave me alone now but to know that the doors open. He wants to be cool with me. That would be cool with me too. 

 

“

 

 

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

Don't respond. 

Understand about last time.  You weren't just returning some sweats he left at your house.  He gave you a family heirloom  & you took your sweet time (3 months) returning it to him.  You claim it wasn't a priority & that you were busy.  So what?  3 months is a long time to hang on to something that was precious to him. (Frankly he was probably a fool to give a short term GF something so valuable so early but he sounds like a romantic dreamer with no practical sense)  Then you lied to him & continuously told him you had mailed it when you didn't.  You made him worry.  Do you not understand that was mean & selfish?  

At some point you need to learn that your actions have consequences & you have the ability to deeply hurt others.  You need to be more circumspect & treat others more kindly.  Open, honest communication instead of lies & game playing will dramatically reduce the drama in your life, most of which you cause.  

[vwisme]

You took 3 months to return a family heirloom? 

No judgement because I used to be this level of petty and immature but if I started dating someone and I found out they were like this in their last relationship, that'd be a major yellow light. All parties involved are no bueno but since you're the one asking for advice - - you know better so do better. 

What you're doing is manipulative, gaslighting, and a myriad of other things. Let this go and start healing. 

 

Also, logistically, you do not need to be in contact to return his stuff. Get a friend or a mutual friend and just let them handle it. Money needed? Use an app. This hwole thing is a headache frfr. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by vwisme

[Miss Spider]

Thank you. I appreciate the responses. But I just need to clear one thing up real quick because I think there is a misunderstanding. I didn’t mean to hold his stuff. I wasn’t trying to be petty. Or manipulate him or gaslight him or any of that stuff.
 

I initially broke up with him he tried to change my mind. He would not let me break up. I was a lot weaker back then so I stayed in contact with him just to be nice. I get that it’s not nice now. So what ended up happening was I basically slow faded him  because he wouldn’t accept no. Then I blocked him when I got in a new rship and we didn’t speak for awhile. Then all of a sudden, like 6 mo later, I get a huge package in the mail with all my stuff and a letter. So I reached out to him . I’m sorry that I can’t just drop everything because he decides six months later that he wants to exchange things. I had a new BF, I had school(, I had hobbies. If it was the summer of love shack, of course I would understand your disapproval. But I was back to back busy and I did not want to meet him in person because of the awkwardness and in the past when I had met him he’d literally beg me(@d0nnovain before you say it’s my drama, imagine every time you try to break up or meet up to give an ex something they grab your hand like “plz don’t do this, baby. I don’t understand” I was weak. To mail it I had to go to the post office which is kind of a hassle for me since this was during the height of COVID-19 and my post office is always packed. So yes, I did procrastinate. I am a procrastinator in general. I was not trying to be mean though. I was not trying to “hold an heirloom hostage“ he could not come to my house because I live with my parents. It was a little bit of a complicated situation but  I am so sorry
I think I have to tell him something now because I told him I would respond today after I mulled it over.
 

Thank you.

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

It's still unacceptable.  It was a family heirloom.  You knew that when you agreed to give it back.  You should have mailed it to him within days of the break up.  

[Alpacalia]

I don't know if this would help but when I ended a 7 year relationship I arranged for his sister to pick-up his family heirloom engagement ring. It was much easier that way and didn't have to worry about mailing it. So, maybe you can try that next time. Like coordinate through a family member or something.

 

[d0nnivain]

Since you told him you would respond, now you have to.  First WTH did you tell him that?  You have known for a long time he has worse boundaries than you do & that any interaction from you is misinterpreted by him as you wanting to reconcile. 

I'd say something like this: 

Thank you for returning my stuff.  I didn't mean to hold your stuff "hostage" last time.  I was trying to let you down gently by doing a slow fade.  I realize now that was the wrong approach & gave you false hope which hurt you more.  For my part in inadvertently prolonging your pain, I apologize.  

I'm not angry but I am frustrated.  You don't seem to want to take no thank you for an answer.  We tried twice but it didn't work.  Your letter & your expectation that I respond is more evidence that you keep trying to keep us connected in some hope that I will change my mind.  Please understand I think it's best if we stop communicating.   

Be well.  Cookies 

Then you need to be done.  

Edited August 23, 2021 by d0nnivain

[vwisme]

21 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

however admittedly I took my sweet time giving it back to him simply because it wasn’t a priority. I dragged it out for about three months kept saying I dropped it off at the mailbox when I really didn’t and wouldn’t give him a tracking number.

Color me illiterate but this completely contradicts  this:

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I didn’t mean to hold his stuff.

 Look, I get that exes and break ups are not easy or convenient. No one is holding you to an expectation of perfect. But there is a level of decency and decorum that is independent of how someone else is treating you and sometimes that decency is to block them on everything and never speak to them again. You're saying you didn't mean to do such and such and while that's good - your actions were the opposite of stated intentions. 

No matter which way you want to dress this pig - the fact remains. You lied, kept that lie going, and then decided you were a victim of circumstance. That's not how this works. You get to choose your actions but you don't get to choose your consequences. 

You dragged it out for 3 months? I'm sorry but I personally feel like my intelligence is insulted. A lot can be done with that time frame. I've seen companies built in less time than that. 

[Miss Spider]

24 minutes ago, vwisme said:

Color me illiterate but this completely contradicts  this:

 Look, I get that exes and break ups are not easy or convenient. No one is holding you to an expectation of perfect. But there is a level of decency and decorum that is independent of how someone else is treating you and sometimes that decency is to block them on everything and never speak to them again. You're saying you didn't mean to do such and such and while that's good - your actions were the opposite of stated intentions. 

No matter which way you want to dress this pig - the fact remains. You lied, kept that lie going, and then decided you were a victim of circumstance. That's not how this works. You get to choose your actions but you don't get to choose your consequences. 

You dragged it out for 3 months? I'm sorry but I personally feel like my intelligence is insulted. A lot can be done with that time frame. I've seen companies built in less time than that. 

I did block him on everything !! I actually did.
Then he got mad at me for “ghosting” him. No matter what I do, it’s wrong, 

I did not know he wanted the item back. After he mailed me my stuff back, I unblocked him on Facebook to thank him and he finally tells me he I have such and such of his he wants back ( heirloom, sunglasses etc) and still acts like he wants reconciliation. Sorry I couldn’t drop my life to deal with this — I was balls deep in my of pharmacy school, I had a rship, I had other projects, and it was during COVID. He would message me literally every week asking me when we can meet up to get it. I didn’t want to, so finally yeah I did just lie and say I sent it out because I wanted to make him stop asking me. I get that’s wrong, but I had every intention to send it out except I was busy and COVID made mailing it next to impossible. 
He asked me for a tracking number again and again and I couldn’t give him one because I hadn’t mailed it out yet. 

I acknowledge I may have been inconsiderate but i wasn’t intentionally trying to keep his things. If there were any way to give him his things( he lived about 45 minutes away),I would have. Ultimately, I ended up just  driving down there and dropping it in his mailbox when he wasn’t home.

 

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Since you told him you would respond, now you have to.  First WYH did you tell him that?  You have known for a long time he has worse boundaries than you do & that any interaction from you is misinterpreted by him as you wanting to reconcile. 

I'd say something like this: 

Thank you for returning my stuff.  I didn't mean to hold your stuff "hostage" last time.  I was trying to let you down gently by doing a slow fade.  I realize now that was the wrong approach & gave you false hope which hurt you more.  For my part in inadvertently prolonging your pain, I apologize.  

I'm not angry but I am frustrated.  You don't seem to want to take no thank you for an answer.  We tried twice but it didn't work.  Your letter & your expectation that I respond is more evidence that you keep trying to keep up connected in some hope that I will change my mind.  Please understand I think it's best if we stop communicating.   

Be well.  Cookies 

Then you need to be done.  

Thank you so much for this. I will pretty much write this verbatim!! I appreciate it a lot. After I saw him yesterday to get my $ and my things ( he said he didn’t want to send it in the mail and wanted me to get it, not another ) He texted me this: 

 

2 things: 

I hope you will read the letter objectively. Also realize some of what was written was a direct result of you being angry. 

I hope you don’t continue to block me. I’m not going to reach out.  I won’t intrude in your life. But if you or I are ever in a spot, I’d like you to know AND I’d like to know the channel is open. 

Take care 

[d0nnivain]

24 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I hope you don’t continue to block me. I’m not going to reach out.  I won’t intrude in your life. 

Don't believe him.  You have to block him.  You need to tell him that in response to the email.  Add something about how he's still not getting it.  The channel has to stay closed.  

[flitzanu]

cookie stories are my favorite part of the day. 

[vwisme]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I acknowledge I may have been inconsiderate but i wasn’t intentionally trying to keep his things. If there were any way to give him his things( he lived about 45 minutes away),I would have. Ultimately, I ended up just  driving down there and dropping it in his mailbox when he wasn’t home.

 

All in all, pursue your peace. Let everything and anyone else that opposes that - let em go. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by vwisme

[Coasting1991]

Do you have to meet him person for the money? Can't he just Venmo you it and mail you the rest of your stuff? I would just keep the messages short and sweet. "Can we please meet at [blank] at [blank] time." If he keep refusing/instigating, then just write it off. At that point he's looking to meet for reasons other than getting his stuff back. 

[Coasting1991]

Sorry, just read through. Definitely block him