Hooks

[Classicfiction]

Hey guys, I have a question for everybody about the beginning stages of dating.

So, Ive noticed a lot of times when I first start talking to a guy, there's something that is said that kind of throws me off.. usually about a woman they've previously dated who was this that and the other.  Or if they get to the stage of meeting my friends, there's one friend of mine who catches their attention and they make a point of it.

In the past, this has made me question my worth and then for some reason made me chase the guy.

Yes, this ties in to my previous posts.  Im trying to learn and change for the better for sure.

But what I was wondering is.. for the guys, do you ever do this on purpose to create a bit of jealousy/tension?  Or is it just basically, you aren't that interested if you mention a special lady in your past to me or get flirty with a friend of mine?

Should I just start shutting it down at the slightest hint of that kind of thing?

Reason for the question is Im trying to figure out if Im overreacting to the "other woman" and its kind of a normal thing... do other women experience this and just say yeah whatever buddy and laugh it off?  Or is this a sure fire sign that I should walk?

I'm sorta feeling like I'm going to be doing a lot of walking lol

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

16 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

But what I was wondering is.. for the guys, do you ever do this on purpose to create a bit of jealousy/tension?

I don't... I try to plan nice dates, talk about fun subjects and I don't bring up past girlfriends.  If the woman likes me, she'll say "yes" to a second date, if she doesn't... so be it.  I'm not really into "head games" and creating "jealousy/tension"

21 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

...or get flirty with a friend of mine?

That is just rude on so many levels.  I'll be polite, smile and be friendly if I'm around a woman's friend, but I would never be "flirty" with them.

22 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Should I just start shutting it down at the slightest hint of that kind of thing?

I would... Maybe say something to the effect of "That really isn't good (first date) conversation, perhaps we could change the subject"  Then through out a different subject... going camping on a family vacation... or trip to the beach... or some other "fun" subject to distract him and move the conversation to a different thread.

25 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

I'm sorta feeling like I'm going to be doing a lot of walking

If the guy walks... he walks.  I've had a lot of first dates where I didn't ask the woman out on a second date.  And I've had a lot of women refuse a second date with me.

On to the next one...

[Classicfiction]

Thanks @Happy Lemming.  It helps to know there's guys out there who won't engage in that sort of thing.  I'm still trying to figure out why I'm tending to attract or be attracted to the ones that do.

I know people can recognize attractive people and thats normal, but it seems to be more than noticing other women with the guys I've dated.  Its so frustrating!

[Happy Lemming]

It is possible these guys just are not good conversationalists.

Maybe have a mental list of subjects to talk about, so you can avoid talking about past girlfriends.

Funny family camping trip/log cabin story.  This was one of my "go to" subjects.  It always seems everyone has a funny camping trip story.

Best birthday when you had.  Last time you had to take a Greyhound bus.  You know... stuff like that.  Fun and possibly quirky.

I'm sure you have some funny stories/anecdotes that don't involve ex's, so help steer the conversation in that direction.

[smackie9]

No those guys are just plain thick headed pigs.

Edited August 11, 2021 by smackie9

[smackie9]

I've met plenty of attractive men that become the ugliest man I have ever met the minute they start to speak.

Edited August 11, 2021 by smackie9

[glows]

I'm not very aware of it but yes, I think I do start to lose interest and divert my attention elsewhere when things like this come up. This would be an indication that someone isn't over their past or still thinking of something that bothers them. Your interactions should be lighthearted and doing your part to inspire and engage with one another, not offer distracting or erroneous tidbits about old flames/exes. 

[Classicfiction]

You know in some of these situations, I swear it feels like the guy is trying to get a reaction.

There's one guy who I've stayed in contact with, continued to chat with.  Everything seemed great at first until we went to hang out with some friends of mine.  We were playing this charades game and one friend starts doing most of the acting.  She pulls her thong out of her pants, smooshes her boobs together etc.

and this dude like jerks forward like he got a crippling boner.  Then he grabs my lovehandles and whispers in my ear asking if Ive been eating too much ice cream lately.  After that he ended up following her around the house like a lost dog.

Since I keep having issues with guys, I decided, well maybe I should let that slide since she was acting seductively and most guys are probably gonna react to that at least a little.

Should I cut off contact with this guy do you think?

[Pumpernickel]

10 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

I decided, well maybe I should let that slide since she was acting seductively and most guys are probably gonna react to that at least a little.

 

Yah, maybe, but not when they're your plus 1. How disrespectful. 

[Classicfiction]

8 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yah, maybe, but not when they're your plus 1. How disrespectful. 

Ok.  It did make me feel like sh** that night.

[Weezy1973]

19 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Should I cut off contact with this guy do you think?

Is this a guy you’re in a relationship with? If it’s a one off, then you can just talk to him and let him know how you felt. If it’s a pattern then you have to think about whether that type of behavior is something you want on a guy, or something you can live with. 
 

I’ve never done it. Nor have I talked about past girlfriends etc. 

[Classicfiction]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Is this a guy you’re in a relationship with? If it’s a one off, then you can just talk to him and let him know how you felt. If it’s a pattern then you have to think about whether that type of behavior is something you want on a guy, or something you can live with. 
 

I’ve never done it. Nor have I talked about past girlfriends etc. 

I'm not in a relationship with him.  I backed off after that night, but have stayed in contact.  He's since let me know that he is currently chatting with another woman aside from me and we're pretty much on a friends level.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Reason for the question is Im trying to figure out if Im overreacting to the "other woman" and its kind of a normal thing... do other women experience this and just say yeah whatever buddy and laugh it off?  Or is this a sure fire sign that I should walk?

I've never done this and I agree it shows poor social skills.

I think SOME men may do this in an attempt to "play games"/jealousy farm. Others may be just speaking/sharing their mind, and what's on their mind happens to be this other person. The fact they bring the other person up ON A DATE and are essentially having you be their emotional sounding board for this particular topic -  well, refer to "poor social skills" above.

I think whether you walk depends on what they say and how much they say it.

[cleverusername]

Uhhhh, no. I can choose anyone to go out with and I choose you, because I'm interested in you. You're my center of attention. At least for those 2hrs or whatever.... Where are you meeting these guys? Dating apps? They all sound like s***.

[mark clemson]

8 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

  I backed off after that night, but have stayed in contact.  He's since let me know that he is currently chatting with another woman aside from me and we're pretty much on a friends level.

Although it's not universally true, men tend to be direct communicators. If he told you he's friendzoning you, all other things being equal that's because he's friendzoning you.

IF that's not ok with you, you probably want to tell him that directly. IF you're interested in a committed relationship, you could tell him that directly as well. If he waffles on that idea, I'd say either he's not interested or he wants to date around.

[smackie9]

51 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

You know in some of these situations, I swear it feels like the guy is trying to get a reaction.

There's one guy who I've stayed in contact with, continued to chat with.  Everything seemed great at first until we went to hang out with some friends of mine.  We were playing this charades game and one friend starts doing most of the acting.  She pulls her thong out of her pants, smooshes her boobs together etc.

and this dude like jerks forward like he got a crippling boner.  Then he grabs my lovehandles and whispers in my ear asking if Ive been eating too much ice cream lately.  After that he ended up following her around the house like a lost dog.

Since I keep having issues with guys, I decided, well maybe I should let that slide since she was acting seductively and most guys are probably gonna react to that at least a little.

Should I cut off contact with this guy do you think?

I don't know what guys you hang out with but I have seen guys get embarrassed/ stunned or just laugh by unpredictable behavior like that. Jerking forward like a boner explosion says how much of a pig he is.

[Classicfiction]

I friend-zoned him.  Basically after the love handle grab and comment I just don't feel like I'm in shape enough to date him right at the moment.  And thats what I told him... that I don't feel in shape enough to date him.

Of course that probably comes off as insecure, but its the truth.

[Classicfiction]

For the most part all these guys I keep running into who do this sort of thing I'm meeting on a dating app.  

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Classicfiction said:

For the most part all these guys I keep running into who do this sort of thing I'm meeting on a dating app.  

Maybe try another way to meet men.

[Classicfiction]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I don't know what guys you hang out with but I have seen guys get embarrassed/ stunned or just laugh by unpredictable behavior like that. Jerking forward like a boner explosion says how much of a pig he is.

Boner explosion lol.  Thanks for the laugh

[Classicfiction]

Yeah, that one was a bust. Oh well.. gotta move on

[Pumpernickel]

On 8/11/2021 at 3:19 PM, Classicfiction said:

And thats what I told him... that I don't feel in shape enough to date him.

Wow, that’s really brave of you to say that to him. I’m sure many of us have felt that way, but never voiced it. I wonder how he replied?

[Classicfiction]

51 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Wow, that’s really brave of you to say that to him. I’m sure many of us have felt that way, but never voiced it. I wonder how he replied?

Thank you! he just said he understood and that was about it.

I'm reading @Emily O-Hara's post 

and taking notes because I've been in a reactionary place like that too (still trying to be more level headed).  Its hard to realize that you're trying to cling to a guy who's just not that into you.  And just as hard to recognize that your ways of handeling it can use some work.  
 

What in the world is it about an emotionally unavailable man that seems so appealing?? Lol

 

[Mrin]

Hmmmm confession time. In the past I've been told that I mentioned a multi-year ex too much. Not on a first or first few dates mind you but rather deeper into a dating relationship with a new woman. I'd bring up my ex or my ex's kids in a historical sense. "one year we went to NYC and ..." or "one time camping with [ex's name]..." Honestly, I didn't even realize I was doing it until the woman spoke up and said it made her uncomfortable. 

I thought on it and felt conflicted. Like how can I share my past with this new woman but not mention someone who was a part of that past? Do I just act like those years never existed? But I don't want to make this woman uncomfortable... So I gave it a try. I'd either not relay the story or I'd just not mention anything to do with my ex in telling the story. Took some mental doing and I screwed up a few times but it worked. A few weeks later the new woman commented on it and thanked me. And quite frankly I realized that mentioning my ex was superfluous most of the time.

Anyhow my point is I didn't realize I was doing that until she spoke up. Now, that's a far cry from flirting with one of your friends but I just wanted to give you that to think about. 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Weezy1973]

11 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

 

What in the world is it about an emotionally unavailable man that seems so appealing?? Lol

 

Could be a lot of reasons, but the most likely especially with OLD, is aspirational dating. That is these guys are appealing because they’re a bit out of your league. You not being in good enough shape is a good example. Which is why they’re unavailable to you. Don’t worry though, the women that they’re “holding out” for are also out of their league, and unavailable to them….

Edited August 13, 2021 by Weezy1973