He's on Vacation and not communicating

[Miss Spider]

Tell him that’s cool but you want your blissy sleeping mask 

[Starrs]

46 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Tell him that’s cool but you want your blissy sleeping mask 

yes hahah i will. i’ll see what he says 😂

[Starrs]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You finally figured that out, did ya?  I told you that many posts ago but you insisted he was a gentleman because he was allegedly going to buy you a sleep mask 

you were right, i made a huge mistake trusting him.

[d0nnivain]

FWIW I didn't want to be right.  

[Miss Spider]

I hate it as much as the next person but I know that if I don’t text someone for 3 days they’re going to think I lost interest. It’s a twisted world we live in. 

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I hate it as much as the next person but I know that if I don’t text someone for 3 days they’re going to think I lost interest. It’s a twisted world we live in. 

I agree with you cookies but what's even more twisted is when a woman (or man) believes the object of her desire is losing interest, in some cases it compels her to want to cling tighter, and chase.

So she begins texting, and well, chasing.  Blowing up his phone, seeking reassurance and his validation.

It's a very poor message to send as it tells him the less interested he appears to be, the more interested she will be.

Yeah it's a twisted game but it happens.  I've read about it here and witnessed in real life.

[Miss Spider]

Yea I agree which is why people begin to match the other person communication, Which is cool but what I noticed is that you have a better chance getting the person’s attention back doing that than blowing them up. But to what end, is what I’m thinking. Is this he real you. Do you want someone who’d rather post Snapchat stories than talk to you. Who’s interest in you is that low to begin with. It’s happened where guys have seemed a bit more intriguing to me by playing it cool, but then once they like me , it actually becomes unattractive to me ( this happened with my first and second ex) because I never really liked them to begin with. It was all about the chase and conquer. Once I “had” them,  or we were boo’d up , I’d start taking them for granted in little ways at first , and then I start being a big D to them. I wouldn’t go down that road either way ever again, personally. I know better now. People should keep it real otherwise the person might not like you as much as the chase 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea I agree which is why people begin to match the other person communication, Which is cool but what I noticed is that you have a better chance getting the person’s attention back doing that than blowing them up. But to what end, is what I’m thinking. Is this he real you. Do you want someone who’d rather post Snapchat stories than talk to you. Who’s interest in you is that low to begin with. It’s happened where guys have seemed a bit more intriguing to me by playing it cool, but then once they like me , it actually becomes unattractive to me ( this happened with my first and second ex) because I never really liked them to begin with. It was all about the chase and conquer. Once I “had” them,  or we were boo’d up , I’d start taking them for granted in little ways at first , and then I start being a big D to them. I wouldn’t go down that road either way ever again, personally. I know better now. People should keep it real otherwise the person might not like you as much as the chase 

Bolded, so so true.   That is why I am no longer into men who are into "the chase," because like you said once they've succeeded in "winning" me or "conquering" me and the chase is over, they're off and running to the next person to chase and conquer.

They're interested in the challenge of me, not the REAL me.

Unless you (generic you) wants to remain a challenge for the rest of your life, stay away from men who are into the chase.

I actually experienced that with one of my ex's, for nearly six years, he was the "chaser," I was the "chasee," we even got engaged!

It didn't end well.

Edited August 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Starrs said:

you were right, i made a huge mistake trusting him.

The thing is, you hardly know the guy. 

There was no reason to place trust in him yet. This is why we need to take it a little slower at first and let someone show us who they are and what their intentions are. Trust develops over time. Not within 2 or 3 meet-ups. 

[Starrs]

51 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The thing is, you hardly know the guy. 

There was no reason to place trust in him yet. This is why we need to take it a little slower at first and let someone show us who they are and what their intentions are. Trust develops over time. Not within 2 or 3 meet-ups. 

yes that is true, but how can i meet him? if clearly he says he doesn’t have a car and told me to wait another month for him to drive to me. now he is telling me if i still wanna have a nice dinner with him? but that means i have to drive to him again. he lives over an hour away it’s almost 3 hours coming there and back. i don’t have the time or money to spend on gas to be going to him every week. it’s not fair to me to be doing all the driving.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Starrs said:

yes that is true, but how can i meet him?

Unless you are wiling to drive there, you can't. 

He's been very clear that he's not coming to you for a month. Take it or leave rather than argue about it. If you don't like, that's fine. Don't go. Find a local guy to date instead. 

I thought you were done with this guy anyway, so what does it matter? 

Edited August 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Starrs]

41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unless you are wiling to drive there, you can't. 

He's been very clear that he's not coming to you for a month. Take it or leave rather than argue about it. If you don't like, that's fine. Don't go. Find a local guy to date instead. 

I thought you were done with this guy anyway, so what does it matter? 

i was but he said i can come over saturday, to spend all day with him. i don’t trust him to be with him all day, i said i could come friday. but he’s getting angry saying saturday only. 

[stillafool]

Probably because he has plans Friday night.

1 hour ago, Starrs said:

he lives over an hour away it’s almost 3 hours coming there and back. i don’t have the time or money to spend on gas to be going to him every week. it’s not fair to me to be doing all the driving.

Then just wait until the month is over and let him visit you.  Hopefully you'll be over him by then.

[ExpatInItaly]

What a drama. I think you two just need to drop this completely. 

You hardly know each other, have met like 2 or 3 times -  and have fought a lot. That's completely ridiculous. 

 

[Starrs]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What a drama. I think you two just need to drop this completely. 

You hardly know each other, have met like 2 or 3 times -  and have fought a lot. That's completely ridiculous. 

 

yes and the reason is he doesn’t have a car which is pretty sus…and he says he doesn’t have money but lives in a luxury apartment. how does that make sense? that’s why we argue mostly about who’s driving. 

[Starrs]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Probably because he has plans Friday night.

Then just wait until the month is over and let him visit you.  Hopefully you'll be over him by then.

he doesn’t he literally told me he barely has friends in his area. he’s free all the time after 6 on weekdays. he said he only has his car meet buddies but they only hang during car meets, which he says he hasn’t gone since his car accident….and his other friend who lives 30 mins away but has a gf so yeah. i don’t believe him and the original plan was to go to this nice place since he was driving. which it got cancelled, i don’t see the need to be at his house all day on saturday.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're missing the point, Starrs. 

The point is that you two argue at all at this stage is absurd. It's your cue that you are not a match and you need to move. 

But something tells me you thrive on drama. You have contributed to it, and you perpetuate it. So it obviously doesn't bother you that much or you wouldn't be continuing to participate in this circus. You definitely seem to be a right-fighter rather than a woman who knows how to choose her battles and drop usless prospects. 

[Starrs]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're missing the point, Starrs. 

The point is that you two argue at all at this stage is absurd. It's your cue that you are not a match and you need to move. 

But something tells me you thrive on drama. You have contributed to it, and you perpetuate it. So it obviously doesn't bother you that much or you wouldn't be continuing to participate in this circus. You definitely seem to be a right-fighter rather than a woman who knows how to choose her battles and drop usless prospects. 

it’s not that i do, but the issue here is it started pretty bad I had no interest in him. now that i do i’m trying to make things work, which is why i want to talk to him in person about how this would go from that day on. i don’t find it a waste if he tells me it’s best to part way because at least i got the chance to talk to him. instead of texting all the time, it gets tiring.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Starrs said:

i’m trying to make things work

Why? You hardly know him, and you don't get along. It makes no sense to "try to make it work."

My guess is that your ego is bruised since he changed his tune on you and you're having trouble accepting that. Do you not have other guys who are interested in you right now or something? 

Edited August 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[poppyfields]

@Starrsyou are only 21, so I'm gonna cut you some slack here.  If you were 31, what others have been posting would hold more weight, but at 21, you will make tons of mistakes, but that's how you learn, grow and evolve. 

Of course your understanding of men at only 21 years of age is going to be limited.  I'm wondering if others have forgotten that.

I think back to when I was 21 and dating my then-boyfriend and my behavior and reactions were pretty freakin pathetic!  Cringeworthy really, I'm cringing now remembering!  

Anyway, I think this experience has the potential of being a great learning experience.

When you chase, blow up phone, cause drama, men run.  No matter how into you they were initially. 

Especially young 23 year old men, they dont need it.

Be aware that many men (of all ages) will push for early sex, it does not mean sex is ALL he wants, it means he is attracted, horny and wants to close the deal asap. 

It's how a woman behaves afterwards, that is the make or break it.  Chase, cling, cause drama, it's over. 

Hang back relax, lower expectations, do not expect auto-relationship, relationships take time to build. 

This includes expecting him to call while on vacay and attaching a negative meaning to it if he doesn't. 

Every man is different just like every woman is different.

Learn to become flexible and open to all the changing nuances because trust me there will be tons!  

There are also good books to read re men, women, relationships, discussing the five stages.

My mom gave me a super great book called "A Fine Romance" written by a reputable psychologist, I learned a lot from it and other books. 

Knowledge is power, the more knowledge you have, the better your understanding of how complex people and relationships can be! 

Keep experimenting with different behaviors and reactions.  And gauge a man's reaction.  

Positive or negative? 

If negative, then try something different. Eventually you'll get it, but tbh I have a lot of dating experience and even I still make mistakes and am learning!

It's all a journey, enjoy and be happy!  💛

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm wondering if others have forgotten that.

No, I didn't forget. 

 

[Starrs]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why? You hardly know him, and you don't get along. It makes no sense to "try to make it work."

My guess is that your ego is bruised since he changed his tune on you and you're having trouble accepting that. Do you not have other guys who are interested in you right now or something? 

yes but they aren’t attractive in my eyes tbh.

[Starrs]

****Update****
we met up friday and i stayed the whole weekend. he said he was “done” with me, because he said i get mad all the time which isn’t true. he kicked me out of his house and i left some stuff so i went back inside. he insulted me and said he was gonna call the cops if i didn’t leave. when i entered his room we ended up having sex…he then said “it was very nice with you” he walked me to my car and told me to “drive safe” i texted him apologizing for what happened and i thanked him for letting my friend spend the night too. he blocked me? the message NEVER sent. I am sad and feel used. 

[d0nnivain]

You weren't used.  You were a willing participant in all of this because you don't think.  On this message board you said you were done numerous times which was a LIE.  You went to him anyway after saying you would not do that again.  We told you he only wanted sex, yet you went anyway.  For you to bring a friend for a weekend long sleepover at this early stage is just ridiculous.   

You do get mad all the time.  You were furious & clingy when he was on vacation.  You have zero patience.  

You must have been being quite the drama queen for him to resort to threatening to call the cops because you wouldn't leave.  Something is seriously off in your brain if in the throws of a fight where the man is threatening to call the cops on you, that you end up having sex with him.  WTF were you thinking?  That is some seriously unhealthy decision making on your part.  The TV/movie drama of a fight riling up people so much that sex is their only outlet is a bad, unhealthy & unsustainable fictional  behavior.  

Starrs -- you are a very damaged woman who has a LOT of growing up to do.  Please, I'm begging you, talk to your mom & get some therapy.   There are destructive patterns here which will not be reversed without professional help.  You bring this on yourself by your own actions & bad choices.  You refuse to see your part in all of this.  Until you acknowledge that you are the problem, nothing will change & you will never have a happy fulfilling relationship.  

[Starrs]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You weren't used.  You were a willing participant in all of this because you don't think.  On this message board you said you were done numerous times which was a LIE.  You went to him anyway after saying you would not do that again.  We told you he only wanted sex, yet you went anyway.  For you to bring a friend for a weekend long sleepover at this early stage is just ridiculous.   

You do get mad all the time.  You were furious & clingy when he was on vacation.  You have zero patience.  

You must have been being quite the drama queen for him to resort to threatening to call the cops because you wouldn't leave.  Something is seriously off in your brain if in the throws of a fight where the man is threatening to call the cops on you, that you end up having sex with him.  WTF were you thinking?  That is some seriously unhealthy decision making on your part.  The TV/movie drama of a fight riling up people so much that sex is their only outlet is a bad, unhealthy & unsustainable fictional  behavior.  

Starrs -- you are a very damaged woman who has a LOT of growing up to do.  Please, I'm begging you, talk to your mom & get some therapy.   There are destructive patterns here which will not be reversed without professional help.  You bring this on yourself by your own actions & bad choices.  You refuse to see your part in all of this.  Until you acknowledge that you are the problem, nothing will change & you will never have a happy fulfilling relationship.  

he told me he was giving me another chance, which is why i went he seemed happy as he paid for mostly everything. he said sex made him happy so that’s why i did it, i really liked him why would he block me?