Can we be happy without love?

[Amanda92]

Looking for love isn't that easy nowadays. Most people are afraid of commitment and just want to have fun, especially in the USA. People play with each other and use others.

Do you think that it's possible to be truly happy without love? I am single 5 years. I was starting using dating apps one year ago and this was just a disaster. I am quite picky - I choose good-looking and smart guys (I am pretty and very ambitious, so don't want to be again in a relationship with someone who feels "worse" than me). You may say that I have too big requirements, but I want someone similar to me. But all guys that I met are very unavailable and are singles for years. I may choose them because I need a lot of space and if someone starts showering me with attention from the first message I just got scared and overwhelmed. Currently I hate dating, I hate men and even if my life is quite good, I really want to start family. I don't want to be desperate and I am not able to be in a relationship without feelings, but guys that I choose only play with me and don't treat me seriously. I don't have a good relationship with my family, I have amazing friends, but they are married... I just want to come back home and cuddle with someone on my couch. I want a man who will treat me good and who will impress me.

Anyone is in a similar situation? I just wanted to talk.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

Do you think that it's possible to be truly happy without love?

Yes it is possible to live without romantic love.  You say you only chose good looking, smart guys, well that's pretty much what all women are looking for and those guys don't stay single long just like good looking, smart women.   Just because you don't have a man doesn't mean you can't adopt kids or have your own through a sperm bank.  You say you have amazing friends but they are married.  Even an amazing family is mostly made up of married people but still have singles in them so use your friends as your family.  Just because you hate dating doesn't mean you have to hate all men.  Some make great friends.

[Miss Spider]

Very possible for someone to be happy without romantic love. 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

I have a friend who's 36. She has not been very lucky in love and she really wants to be a mom. She is getting artifically insemitated in September. She has everything to be a great mom. I am certain that once she's fullfilled being a mom and not worrying about meeting someone some great guy will come along. Life does not stop  because we don't have a boyfriend or husband. 

 

[glows]

I prefer being single but I do not hate men.

You could be picking the same men that you are accustomed to in the past who didn't treat you right and this is contradicting what you're looking for now (the new and improved you). Strongly disliking a certain demographic(men) will automatically push you to date defensively and that's your defense mechanism if you're continuously picking low lifes. I think it's better to start out positive and tell yourself that you'll meet the right person eventually but your life doesn't depend on it either. Surround yourself with people who are like you and get into all the things that make you happy and inspire you overall. The important part is that your values and your goals align.

Too much too soon is never very believable anyway so steer clear of that. A lot of people are trying to make up quickly for something they've lost (rebound). It's human instinct to recover and replace what is lost and a part of our survival. 

[chillii]

Well it's ok being fussy about looks if your good looking yourself but most women way over rate themselves in that department . So no if you are then that's not picky at all but there's also zero depth to it , same as smart, there's no more depth to that than good looking . You've gotta look far far deeper than that if you want something for real , real. So no if anything your not selective enough , no where even near it.

As far as happy without  love , l dunno. Some can be for sure , others tell themselves that and grandstand it to anyone that'll listen that they are, but you can see they aren't really , it's just how it's panned out so they try to look on the bright side. Your obviously someone that would like to have love and a real family , not some selfish one parent thing. How cruel is that to the poor child for them not only to not even have a father but to not ever even know who they are. Divorce is one thing but creating that situation on purpose is another entirely and just purely selfish imo. l think if l was a woman wanting a child so badly l'd look for a suitable father and someone that also really wants a child, even if your not together at least the poor kid has a real dad that'll love them and raise them too.

Edited August 9, 2021 by chillii

[Uruktopi]

I gess it may deppend on the nature of what you call happiness.

A lot of people if not most equates to be happy with to feel it.

And if so it seems to deppend on some kind of "inner self" that makes like a hidden accounting practice, a trade-off of experiences whose felt ressult is on how much you "are" happy.

In that way, the feeling appears to be almost autonomous of each external event. (What is more technically called "destruction of information": a five is a five no matter if from 2+3 or from 1+4).

 

It´s not the way I see this and neither feel it.

 

I am happy ABOUT my daughters, grandaughters, sons in law, my friends, my colleagues and profession and a lot more bold blessings.

And I do not feel happy ABOUT most of my love experiences while I was once superlative happy in one of them.

Could and can I live this way? Certainly.

Am I happy? Oh well, deppending on each thing of my past and my present life. And on what I may do about.

In my only personal view, there is no other description that makes sense.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

I want a man who will treat me good and who will impress me.

It seems what impresses you are IQ and physical looks. Neither of which have anything to do with treating you well. If you were impressed with how a man treats you instead of superficial stuff you’d be much happier. Alas it isn’t meant to be…

[Pumpernickel]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am certain that once she's fullfilled being a mom and not worrying about meeting someone some great guy will come along.

I prefer being single, and I’m also not a mom. Does that count? I  think I’m not the only one, at least I hope I’m not. And yes, I firmly believe that life is good (even) without a romantic relationship

[poppyfields]

What about self-love?  Yes imo it's very much possible to be happy without "romantic" love which is sort of a delusion anyway, imo.  And often temporary. 

Strive for self-love, you should always love yourself first anyway, and if you have that, then you won't need romantic love to be happy.

You are happy, whole and complete on your own.

If you happen upon romantic love, then it's a bonus, and it serves to "enhance" your already happy self and life. 

Versus being the reason you feel happy, whole and complete.  That's called codependency. 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

Rarely. It doesn't have to be romantic love, but human beings have been a societal species since even before the genus/species, so well over 2 million years now. Our very biology causes us to seek others out. As an example: introverts (I'm one) will often seek others out on social media to announce to hundreds of strangers how antisocial we are. (A truly antisocial animal can go months with literally the only interaction being an attempt to kill whatever crosses over into its territory. An isolated human being is crying to be heard within days, if not sooner.)

With rare exceptions, we crave interaction and above all, being understood and appreciated, which often equates to feeling loved.

Now, can we be happy without romantic love indefinitely....a few people can. The rest, if healthy, can be happy for varying degrees of time, sometimes lengthy ones. 

[Pumpernickel]

45 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

With rare exceptions, we crave interaction and above all, being understood and appreciated, which often equates to feeling loved.

Many things equate to feeling loved. But the OP is clearly talking about romantic love & dating, which I think is not necessarily needed in order to find happiness and contentment. 
Most of us have families and friends or friend circles that provide that sense of belonging and being appreciated. These people are much more reliable when it comes to providing long-term stable love compared to a romantic partner who is most of the time temporary

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

 I don't have a good relationship with my famil.. I just want to come back home and cuddle with someone on my couch.

Do you live with parents/family? That could hinder your ability to date.

Is it customary to live at home until marriage in your country/culture or is it a personal choice?

Do you work/go to school and have interests, hobbies, clubs, groups, sports and volunteering where you could talk to and start meeting men? Since you don't like dating apps?

Are you searching for men who are interested in marriage and family or just cuddling on the couch?

Perhaps reflect on specifically what you want. How ready willing and able are you to pursue that? 

Is it frustration with dating or wishful thinking about the right man or just loneliness?

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

I am pretty and very ambitious, so don't want to be again in a relationship with someone who feels "worse" than me

I think this is an excuse so try and demonstrate that you're not shallow.   Unfortunately, it's as transparent as glass and a very conceited attitude.  There is no reason to assume that a self secure average guy would feel "worse" in comparison to you.  

8 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

But all guys that I met are very unavailable and are singles for years. I may choose them because I need a lot of space and if someone starts showering me with attention from the first message I just got scared and overwhelmed. Currently I hate dating, I hate men and even if my life is quite good, I really want to start family. I don't want to be desperate and I am not able to be in a relationship without feelings, but guys that I choose only play with me and don't treat me seriously. I don't have a good relationship with my family, I have amazing friends, but they are married... I just want to come back home and cuddle with someone on my couch. I want a man who will treat me good and who will impress me.

When a person is family oriented, they look for a person who has what it takes to be a good partner and parent.   However, you say that when you are faced with someone who wants to spend  a significant amount time with you or does nice things, you get scared and overwhelmed.   How can you progress to marriage and a family if you can't maintain being in someone's space?   

Conversely, the guys who are OK with you having lots of space are the ones who want that space so they don't have to settle down.  Of course they let you down.

You hate men and hate dating.  How will this attract a good man?

You want to cuddle someone on the couch at night, but bolt when you've got the guy who will be reliably around for this.

You want a guy who will impress you.  So how do you propose to impress the man in return?  From personal experience and reading here, while a man who loves you might be proud of your achievements, it's not the kind of thing which make someone love us.  If you're a good person, they will love you even if you're not ambitious.  And sensible men know that beauty is only skin deep....and fades anyway.  And even if they are enamored by your looks and ambition, you need a lot more to offer than that. 

If you want marriage and babies, then start developing traits which will attract that kind of man.  Value the man for his kindness and stability over his looks.  Don't assume he will be intimidated by you.  Demonstrate that you are stable and reliable.  And ditch the 'hate men' thing.  A good man won't tolerate that for a moment. 

Edited August 10, 2021 by basil67

[Stret]

11 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

Most people are afraid of commitment and just want to have fun, especially in the USA.

Sorry but I had to address this "especially in the USA". Not really a suitable sentence for today's world where there ought to be some awareness of the existence of others, for example, in Europe, where the culture is the same as in the USA in regard to dating. Africa and Asia - very similar in many places.

Source: I've been living on 3 continents, in 7 countries, including the US, NYC. 

To answer your question - yes, it is possible to be happy without a man in the life of a hetero woman. But it is also up to each personality and everyone is different, so the question is too broad. You seem to look for some qualities that you don't seem to be finding. 

[mark clemson]

Quote

Can we be happy without love?

I think you may be throwing in the towel a bit early here. Life's a marathon, not a sprint. Also keep in mind that some significant % of people in LTRs probably feel they are "without love," so the white picket fences may not be all they're cracked up to be for some. Not sure if it's 5% or 50%, but there's definitely a contingent.

That said, I think there are some who can be happy without love, others who find it difficult. Here are some factors to consider:

- "Fun" tends to come from without; "contentment" tends to come from within.

- However contentment can be difficult for most of us (the ones not yogi's and Buddhist monks and so forth) when we feel our needs aren't being met.

- Your desires, "dreams", and future/life plans are part of your "needs". However, the extent to which you have unconsciously internalized "societal expectations" may impact your perception/internal assessment of how well your "needs" are being met and/or what they are to begin with.

- Brain chemicals, particularly levels of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin can have a big impact on your "experience" of happiness day-to-day. And activities, for example, spending time in nature, socializing with friends, etc, can have a big impact on these chemicals. However, you will have a specific "style" of this - for example, some people really enjoy meeting new people, others don't; some find joy in having a puppy to care for, others don't, etc, etc.

- If you find happiness in day-to-day activities, but aren't achieving your long term/life goals, you may still find yourself discontent. One possible solution might be to work on adjusting your views/long term goals IF it turns out they genuinely aren't achievable; another might be to engage in day-to-day "happiness" activities that ALSO tend to align with or provide opportunities to work towards your LT goals.

- Having "meaning" and/or a purpose in your life is very important to some folks for happiness.

GL

Edited August 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[Caauug]

On 8/10/2021 at 6:03 AM, Amanda92 said:

I am quite picky - I choose good-looking and smart guys

Yes, you and 80% of the other girls are want the top 10% of guys.... Why would any of the 10% of the guys settle for you when they have the choice of 80% of the girls? They have lots of options so no need commit to any one...

On 8/10/2021 at 6:03 AM, Amanda92 said:

very ambitious,

That is what you find attractive in a man. Men for the most part don't look for that in a woman. You have a great career with heaps of collage or uni debt, only to give it up to be a SAHM for 10yrs? Men may find the debt a red flag in marriage as they will be the "bread winner" and be responsible for that debt.

If you are a high income earner, you will be looking for a man that earns more than you do..... This is completely normal, but will also narrow the choices you have. 

On 8/10/2021 at 6:03 AM, Amanda92 said:

I just want to come back home and cuddle with someone on my couch. I want a man who will treat me good and who will impress me.

Get a cat, a cat can do all that..... A cat doesn't leave the toilet seat up!!!! You get to pick a new one every 10yrs or so....

 

Dating can be frustrating for both men and women, I am not suggesting you lower your standards or change in anyway. I only want to point out what you may be up against in finding someone right for you. This is not  an attack on anyone or any gender.

 

 

[JustGrand]

On 8/9/2021 at 3:03 PM, Amanda92 said:

Looking for love isn't that easy nowadays. Most people are afraid of commitment and just want to have fun, especially in the USA. People play with each other and use others.

Do you think that it's possible to be truly happy without love? I am single 5 years. I was starting using dating apps one year ago and this was just a disaster. I am quite picky - I choose good-looking and smart guys (I am pretty and very ambitious, so don't want to be again in a relationship with someone who feels "worse" than me). You may say that I have too big requirements, but I want someone similar to me. But all guys that I met are very unavailable and are singles for years. I may choose them because I need a lot of space and if someone starts showering me with attention from the first message I just got scared and overwhelmed. Currently I hate dating, I hate men and even if my life is quite good, I really want to start family. I don't want to be desperate and I am not able to be in a relationship without feelings, but guys that I choose only play with me and don't treat me seriously. I don't have a good relationship with my family, I have amazing friends, but they are married... I just want to come back home and cuddle with someone on my couch. I want a man who will treat me good and who will impress me.

Anyone is in a similar situation? I just wanted to talk.

I don't think I'd recommend throwing in the towel and settling with a life without love. Yes it's possible to be happy but probably not the happiest you would be with a man. Your last two sentences of your original post is what you truly want which is a man to cuddle and impress you.

Dating is definitely hard.

I'm one that has never ever mastered the art of dating. I mean... in real life how normal people find each other. Til this day I've never been in a close distance relationship and every relationship I've been in was started through dating websites (I'm 29). Although I wasn't a natural at first of how to talk or what to say, But I have throughout the years perfected my way of online dating to make it work best for me. That came from trial and error and sometimes a bruised ego from saying the wrong thing or how I said it.

Anyway, I said all that because I don't know if you have given everything a good shot. You only tried dating apps once 1 year and gave up on that way. I'm wondering even what your bad experience with them was. Not that I'm trying to push you towards trying dating websites, but could effort be the issue in other ways you're trying to get a man?

I wouldn't say you are too picky and that's not the reason why it's hard. It can make it harder. Some of my criteria for choosing my partner was definitely more pickier than you I'd say because of how specific I was, but you want what you want and nobody can argue with that. At least you are a woman that knows what she is looking for.

[JustGrand]

6 hours ago, Caauug said:

Yes, you and 80% of the other girls are want the top 10% of guys.... Why would any of the 10% of the guys settle for you when they have the choice of 80% of the girls? They have lots of options so no need commit to any one...

That is what you find attractive in a man. Men for the most part don't look for that in a woman. You have a great career with heaps of collage or uni debt, only to give it up to be a SAHM for 10yrs? Men may find the debt a red flag in marriage as they will be the "bread winner" and be responsible for that debt.

If you are a high income earner, you will be looking for a man that earns more than you do..... This is completely normal, but will also narrow the choices you have. 

Get a cat, a cat can do all that..... A cat doesn't leave the toilet seat up!!!! You get to pick a new one every 10yrs or so....

 

Dating can be frustrating for both men and women, I am not suggesting you lower your standards or change in anyway. I only want to point out what you may be up against in finding someone right for you. This is not  an attack on anyone or any gender.

 

 

I totally didn't think about that. The type of guy and competition for them... That definitely has more weight to her issues than I gave it.

And a cat... I love your humor man

[Wiseman2]

On 8/9/2021 at 6:03 PM, Amanda92 said:

. Most people are afraid of commitment and just want to have fun, especially in the USA. 

Where else has it been different?

[ZA Dater]

On 8/10/2021 at 5:06 AM, Weezy1973 said:

It seems what impresses you are IQ and physical looks. Neither of which have anything to do with treating you well. If you were impressed with how a man treats you instead of superficial stuff you’d be much happier. Alas it isn’t meant to be…

I don't think the qualities sought are mutually exclusive.

In short OP I think as someone who has never dated that dating can bring a lot of good things to ones life but equally within each of us we have the ability to make ourselves happy but its much much harder because each and every day we are out of step with everyone else, you have married friends and I am thinking that you sometimes feel like the odd one out at social gatherings, its things like this which do take their toll and its harder to fight these.

I have always thought treating people well as being the simplest of human interactions and my advice to you is keep positive, work on being the best yes and while you look for that guy fill your life with as much happy as you can.

[Johnjohnson2017]

I don't think you can be happy without love. Without love, you will feel lonely. Love can come from different sources... from friends, from family. It doesn't have to come from a BF/GF/Wife/Husband. For some people, love from friends and family is not enough. They also need a partner. I think the majority of people want a partner.

[smackie9]

IMO dating apps are abused by lazy oafs lookin for a quick lay. Danger stranger. Sites are not regulated, it's user beware. Anyone can put whatever on a profile, use a fake name, etc. Sure there are some genuine people using it, but it's a needle in a haystack.

The best way to meet people is through other people, friends, coworkers, family, going to events, doing activities, etc. Even in a pandemic, people have found ways to get out and do things.

[SumGuy]

On 8/9/2021 at 6:03 PM, Amanda92 said:

... But all guys that I met are very unavailable and are singles for years. I may choose them because I need a lot of space and if someone starts showering me with attention from the first message I just got scared and overwhelmed.... I want a man who will treat me good and who will impress me.

I suspect how you filter for what you want is off.  There are different kinds and levels of showering with attention.  There are those who are just exuberant, then there are those who are desperate.   I'm not where you set the bar for too much attention, it sounds like though it is so low you filter out all but the emotionally unavailable ones.

On the last part, men who want to treat you good and impress you are the very ones whole will show you attention, heck those driven to impress will shower you with it.  I'm also kind of not seeing how your desire to have someone at home to cuddle with every night and need lots of space work together...the filters you'd have for one will likely exclude the other.  One can have space and alone time and receive a lot of attention, it is not mutually exclusive, and plenty of people (men and women) who like to shower with attention do not expect the same level back.  Then again, if their love language is words of affirmation, that is a small price to pay for getting what one wants.  It's when their love language is gifts it gets pricey.   

[cleverusername]

The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. If you aren't happy alone, you should not date. Period. Looking for happiness in others leads to unhealthy dependency. Relationships should be two people complementing each other nor relying on one another.