DJDairyQueen Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 Hi, do I'll try not to make this long. I've got this opposite sex friend. I, male(30) and she(32) have been friends for over 7 years, most of which has been online, as for years I barely saw her even when we lived in the same city. This person was once an addict, but has been clean for a couple of years. Since the pandemic, she told me she was in quarantine, and due to me being out in public, she couldn't see me. She had to stay away from social events and social people. 4 months into her quarantine she went to help a friend move. Said it was an emergency. I was like "Cool. Guess you're out of quarantine. Wanna hang out?" She refused, saying she was in quarantine regardless, and that seeing this friend was a lot less risky than seeing me. Since then she's been to two funerals and has seen her sponsor and 3 of her friends numerous times, telling me whenever I question her that 1. I'm being controlling and that she's doing what is necessary for recovery. 2. If I was treated(for Codependency) she would be more receptive to my feedback. She calls me sick. Says it's a mental sickness. We've had many arguments where I mentioned going to see 3 friends 15 times isn't quarantine. She says it absolutely is, and that I should respect her boundaries regardless. This dynamic between us is stressing me out, and I don't know if I should end the friendship permanently or try doing things her way. It feels like she's using the quarantine as an excuse to not see me, but I also shouldn't care if she does., As she says she's chronically ill. I want to have her in my life, as well have had amazing conversations over text and a few great calls, but overall, my biggest issue has been the unwillingness to translate that to real life. Should I end it? And why?
basil67 Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 (edited) I'm sorry DJDiaryQueen, even if you don't agree or don't understand with reasons, you have no right to debate or argue her choices or boundaries. And while I wouldn't call it 'controlling' (at least, not how you described it), the fact that you are having repeated arguments over this certainly puts your behaviour in the category of overly pushy and demanding. She could also be right that seeing her friend is less risky than seeing you. It all depends on the lifestyle each of you is choosing. Other than being pushy here, what have you done which makes her say that you have a mental illness? And why does she say that you're co-dependent? Edited August 9, 2021 by basil67
Author DJDairyQueen Posted August 9, 2021 Author Posted August 9, 2021 (edited) Honestly that's pretty much it. It's been a constant issue throughout the time I've known her. The pandemic has just provided another obstacle. I won't lie, I clearly like her more than just a friend, and we generally get along in a lot of other aspects, but the one thing that always bugged me was the amount we spend time together. Before the pandemic there were issues with her saying she was constantly busy with work and couldn't socialize, but her Facebook page was full of pics with her and her ex(long story short lot of messy history there) if it wasn't an ex it was a new relationship, or new friends. I may have seen her at least 4 times in real life since I've known here for the past 7 years. We would get into fights over this, and usually I'd I didn't budge she would say that I would benefit from going to meetings. She would say that my opinion comes from a place of illness, and that due to my unwillingness to accept her boundaries, I clearly needed therapy. I tended to have issues with her throwing that word around whenever we had any disagreement, not just about the lack of IRL time, but with anything. She's a rather secluded person due to years of chronic illnesses....and has had COVID and Covid like symptoms since August. I work with the public, she works from home, as do her other friends. From my perspective, it seems like the pandemic is one of many excuses. This was compounded by years of unrequited feelings. It sucks. I'm honestly not sure what to think. I like talking to her but I'm also pretty miserable. What should I do? Edited August 9, 2021 by DJDairyQueen
Author DJDairyQueen Posted August 9, 2021 Author Posted August 9, 2021 The thing that's bugging me is while I understand me being social and working with the public isn't quarantining, hard for me to believing seeing 3-5 constantly is, especially since we had issues with this dynamic in the past. It feels like I'm being blown off most of the time.
clia Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 You are clearly being blown off. She honestly doesn't seem to want you in her life or to see you and thinks you are mentally ill. She isn't hiding the fact that she is willing to see other people -- she doesn't doesn't want to see you. I'm not trying to be mean, but you should really just back off. There is no reason to be stressed out about any of this. Just move on with your life and find a friend who wants to spend time with you. If she texts you, you can be polite, but do not reach out to her anymore or ask to see her. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 Focus on your local friends, family, work/school, activities, interest, hobbies, etc. Put her in the penpal folder. Date local available women who you have more in common with.
ShyViolet Posted August 10, 2021 Posted August 10, 2021 If this girl is smart, she will stop being friends with you completely, and block you. You are being completely out of line. The girl doesn't want to see you. Whether you think it's "excuses" or not, she doesn't want to see you, so you need to back off. It doesn't matter whether you agree with her choices. Her choices are none of your business. It's completely pushy, controlling and inappropriate of you to start arguments with her about who she's seeing or not seeing, where she is going, etc.
basil67 Posted August 10, 2021 Posted August 10, 2021 Honestly, she should have blocked you ages ago. But as she hasn't done so, I suggest you take the upper hand and block her. It will help you move on.
ASG Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 My take on this is that she 100% knows you like her as more than a friend and she just doesn't feel the same. So she's avoiding spending time with you, as she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea about how she feels. Take the hint. Move on. She's not interested.
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