What just happened? I need your views.

[Miss Spider]

Xxxx

Edited August 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[heartwhole2]

53 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

Why would it be so unbelievable that I could continue a relatioship with him even if he is married.

I don't doubt it for one second. You would have an affair with him if he would let you.

But he has said there will be no affair -- either a friendship or a legitimate relationship if he and BW split. You are putting all your eggs in a basket that he has said isn't going to happen. Do you think you know better than he does what is good for him? Or do you not care that he doesn't want an affair because, damnit, you do?

[RebeccaR]

Has he actually told you he loves you? Or is it just something you’re inferring because it couldn’t be otherwise?

[ExpatInItaly]

If you present yourself in real life as you present yourself in these posts...meeting her in person is not in your best interests. 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

I happen to be in love with a man she is no longer interested in. They didn´t need me to break they marriage. They themselves made that happen. He just needs to reframe our relationshop for a while until she leaves, without completely losing contact with me.

If she's no longer interested in their marriage why would she care if he's seeing you or even having sex with you if their marriage is already broken?  You don't need to meet for that.  She can just carry on with her plans to leave and what you guys do doesn't matter.  This makes absolutely NO SENSE.

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

But it does! He does not want her to leave the marriage thinking he fell for some malignant woman. He believes she´s going to leave, but he doesn´t want it to be because of us. He wanrs me to meet me, see who I am, and calm down. I´m not asking him to leave her, I´m even willing to be their friend until it is resolved.

If she's no longer interested in him why would she care what type of woman he falls in love with?  It's none of her business just as it's none of his who she falls in love with.  Why would she care what the reason is for the break up if she's no longer interested and wants to leave the marriage?  Why does she need to calm down if she's leaving anyway why would she even care?  Again, this makes absolutely NO SENSE.

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

not to his house. He asked me to meet her in a public space. It will be a more amicable separation if it is not because of me. And it is not. It is because their marriage has been dead for a long time. We just happened to fall in live before its last breath.

But according to him she's leaving anyway whether it's amicable or not because she no longer loves him and their marriage is dead.  Again, this makes NO SENSE.

 

OP, I think what is really going on is he wants you to meet his wife to make her jealous and want to stay with him.  If she hated him so much they wouldn't have had sex twice.  He was thrilled that she was showing jealousy and finally giving him sex again.  He is not trying to leave his wife but doing everything possible, including using you to make her stay.  You are so caught up in your fantasy world that you can't see what is right before your eyes.  Funny, he's no longer in love with her but wants sex with her while turning down sex with you who according to you, is the one he's in love with.  Again,  this makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

No. He proposed it. Her mind is going wild making all sorts of assuptions about me and us. He wants to disipate that.

If their marriage were ending he would be settling up a meeting with his attorney.

Not settling up a meeting between wife and mistress.

What crazy assumptions is she making about you?

Are you supposed to act like his friend when you meet to dispell her "wild assumptions?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What crazy assumptions is she making about you?

Are you supposed to act like his friend when you meet to dispell her "wild assumptions?

And, do you think she would really believe anything. 

No offence, but you are transparent as hell to all of us here. She is going to know exactly what is happening… A man does not introduce another woman to his wife to provide reassurance - “Look darling, she is kind and wonderful. There is nothing to worry about. I promise.”

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you supposed to act like his friend when you meet to dispell her "wild assumptions?

I guess so.
"Look dear this is "Mary", my good friend from work.
Look at her, how could you possibly see her as a threat to our marriage?..."  

Unless they have some sort of a kink going on here, I would be prepared for a big cat fight...
You think you and he are the team here, I guess he and she feel THEY are the team and you are the outsider...
Be careful.

Edited August 14, 2021 by elaine567

[Iwantthisformyself]

I totally get yout trains of throught regarding the situation. I do. Believe me. And many of your views sound common sense. Some of your questions seem fair. But there seems to be something I can´t quite communicate about the situation that makes it not so black and white. Hence, my decision to go forward with this.

Yesterday evening I got a Facebook friend request FROM HER! I immediately texted him telling himm what had happened and saying I my heart was pouding and I wanted to drop dead! I apologised for not accepting her, after all I don´t know her, and it felt a bit invasive... He reassured me everything was ok. He had told her about he idea of meeting me: I honestly do not know in what terms it was presented to her. I guess some version of what he told me when he presented the idea to me. Apparently she has agreed, and he´ll call me later today to arrange the time and place.

I must admit I was curious enough to accept her later, so I did. Of course I looked at many of her posts and certainly her photos. I don´t know how I felt about what I saw... She looks attractive, I did not like that. She has posted no family pictures for a long time, so what he says about their being distant for some months seems true. But I believe not much about a person´r true life can be inferred from a facebook wall, so...

I suppose she must have done the same. There is nothing I have published that reveals what is going on between us other than general quotes on love relationships by of my favourite poets . 

So, bearing your warnings in mind, I think I will finally se her. Wish me luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

So he's got a hot wife who wants to meet you in person? Interesting that you were so afraid of a Friend request, given your self-righteous tune before. Also noteworthy that you were nervous that nothing on your profile gave away the truth, when you were trumpeting your role in "helping" them end their marriage before. 

Sounds to me like you're all bark, no bite. She's already got you squirming and you haven't even met her. 

This is going to be wild. You are dreadfully naive about what is going to happen, OP. 

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[jojo399]

Sounds like he is unhappy in his marriage and he may well have feelings for you, but a relationship between you and him is never on the cards. Sorry. I am currently separated and have also dabbled in an affair with a married man, but let’s assume that the right guy is out there for us somewhere and he is free and single!

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

I immediately texted him telling himm what had happened and saying I my heart was pouding and I wanted to drop dead! I apologised for not accepting her, after all I don´t know her, and it felt a bit invasive... He reassured me everything was ok. He had told her about he idea of meeting me: I honestly do not know in what terms it was presented to her. I guess some version of what he told me when he presented the idea to me.

This is the pattern you've been following here since your very first post.

Something alarming happens that doesn't align with your dearly held thesis. You panic and feel upset. As you write down exactly what MM said, it is clear to the rest of us that your thesis doesn't hold water. (You admit that you have no idea what he said to her and you speculate instead of recognizing, oh, if he and I were on the same page I would know this already, or I would at least feel comfortable asking him.)

You also keep framing yourself as the victim, not the aggressor, here. It felt invasive that someone friend-requested you after her husband told her that he wanted the two of you to be friends? That's the invasion in this whole, convoluted story?

Remember that your instincts are good. You didn't want quickie sex. You didn't want to be friends with his wife on FB. And yet you've talked yourself into meeting her because you think it's your only shot to stay relevant in his life so you can keep trying to convince him to pick you. Meanwhile things are getting messier and messier for you.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

I don´t know her, and it felt a bit invasive...

Indeed, his wife requesting to be Facebook friends with the woman who wants to have an affair with her husband is what is invasive here - 

This is going to be wild! I can’t wait for the update!! Will it be a cat fight, or will you become forever friends. We just don’t know…

[heartwhole2]

I encourage you to try to observe the meeting today without making any assumptions about what he really hopes to gain by it. Ask yourself:

Did he validate our romantic relationship today?
Did his wife understand that he and I are an item?
Was I treated with respect?
Did MM's priority seem to be advancing our relationship or downplaying it?
Which woman did MM act like a partner to?

And then sit with those answers. Don't try to connect them back to your "great love" thesis. Just let them be what they are.

[Snow_Queen]

I’m going to offer another perspective since it seems you’re serious about this man. Let’s assume that things work out and you end up together in the end. Are you prepared to have this woman in your life…possibly the rest of your life?

That’s what comes with being with someone that has a child. It’s tough under normal circumstances where both parties are amicable. Try it under your circumstances. Most likely, you will be dealing with a very bitter woman hell bent on making both your lives miserable.
 

He may also have guilt over what happened. That typically results in wanting to please the kid and ex. She will continue to be a priority to him, followed by his kid. He may come running when she needs anything. That is a very common outcome for those who start things off with an affair. Are you ready for that? I certainly wouldn’t want that kind of drama. No man is worth that, in my opinion.

 

 

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Snow_Queen
Adding comments

[RebeccaR]

Your heart was pounding because you want to be in control, but her sending the friend request shows that she is several steps ahead of you. Oh no, oh no

[heartwhole2]

11 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Your heart was pounding because you want to be in control, but her sending the friend request shows that she is several steps ahead of you. Oh no, oh no

And to head off where I think OP's brain will take her . . . if BW acts possessive or lovey-dovey, don't blame her for her "infantile" response. MM is the one who is working with her to come up with situations they both feel comfortable in. You're the one who has to adjust to their plans. If she is marking her territory, and he has already said he wants to try to save the marriage before anything else, then understand that the odds of even getting to have a physical affair with him are slim.

She doesn't have to justify anything to you. If this had happened with your ex . . . if he had made trying to work things out with you his priority, if he had refused to have sex with the OW, if he said he wanted the three of you to be friends and to prove to you that she wasn't a threat . . . would you have owed the OW anything? Would it have been "unfair" of you to try to save the marriage? She doesn't have to answer to you for flip-flopping on whether to work on the marriage to the person who tried to have a secret affair with her husband behind her back. She doesn't have to have a good reason, or any reason. It's not your business just because you're trying to snag her husband.

If you feel angry today, be angry at MM for giving you mixed messages and putting you in uncomfortable situations. Be angry at him for staging situations to elicit responses that let him off the hook. Be angry at yourself for taking giant risks that are not paying off.

Remember, this still applies: the only way not to be in a love triangle is to exit the love triangle.

[anika99]

This is the first time I've been back to this thread since a week and I don't even know where to begin. There were so many post from you (OP) that I'd like to respond to but at the same time I feel any response would be pointless as you are so lost in a sea of delusion. Basically I think the ongoing affair that your exhusband had with his OW and his unwillingness to choose you over her probably hurt you very deeply and rightfully so. Those kinds of betrayals and rejections hurt people at their very core and often times leads people into unhealthy destructive relationship in an misguided attempt to right the wrong done. Like the little girl who never felt loved by their father will grow up and get into relationships with men who are cold and unloving because if she can win the love of an unloving man that will prove that to her that she is worthy and loveable. She is not attracted to men who show their undying devotion and love to her from the onset because that would be too easy and therefore doesn't give her the kind of validation that her soul craves. She wants to earn the love of an unloving man because that will make her special in getting a man to give her something that he was unwilling to give any other woman. Of course she will never win at that game because type of men she chases are just like the father who rejected her, toxic and incapable of truly loving another. 

I think there may be a little of this driving your thoughts and actions. Your exhusband who was supposed to love you and forsake all others chose to keep seeing the OW and that wounded you and may have even reopened old wounds where you were betrayed or rejected by someone who was supposed to love you and be loyal to you. Your affair is your chance to right the wrong done to you. If you can win the love of the MM, get him to pick you over his wife of many years, then you will feel validated and worthy and loveable. As I said in my first post on this thread, women who were cheated on in their own  marriage going on  to become the OW in someone else's marriage is a common theme around here and I think it's spurred by  an unconscious desire to turn the tables and be the one who wins (figuratively speaking). Most of these cheating MM are losers frankly. They are conflict avoidant passive lying manipulators who really don't have all that much going for them but that doesn't matter to their OW. The OW idolizes the MM, puts him high on a pedestal and turns him into some grand prize that she will win at all costs. I suspect that if the your MM did leave his wife for you that within a year you would totally see him in a different light, you would see him for who he truly he is, an old guy who plays passive games and who lies to the people he owes honesty to. 

Let me end by saying that the plan you and your MM have concocted to have you befriend his wife is really sick and twisted. You might just be delusional but your MM sounds like some sort of psycho. He's already being dishonest with his wife and now he wants to take that dishonesty to whole new level by actually playing some sick game of getting his OW together with his wife under the pretense of friendship. That is some sick twisted malicious s*** that makes your exhusband look like a freaking saint in comparison to the MM. 

Edited August 14, 2021 by anika99

[Ha-ha]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed, his wife requesting to be Facebook friends with the woman who wants to have an affair with her husband is what is invasive here - 

This is going to be wild! I can’t wait for the update!! Will it be a cat fight, or will you become forever friends. We just don’t know…

I am hooked!  This thread has more drama than Netflix.  The twist and turns are so exhilarating. 

[DingDang]

Quote

 

If their marriage were ending he would be settling up a meeting with his attorney.

Not settling up a meeting between wife and mistress.

 

Bingo. Never in the history of ever have I read about a MM asking the OW to help him end his marriage amicably. I've read about WS putting the OP in a compromising scenario to "accidentally" get caught because they're too chicken to confess, but never this. This makes absolutely no sense. 

MM is leading the lamb to the slaughter, and W ain't the lamb. I'm telling you, he's doing her bidding because that's what WSs do when they want to R. And she's no shrinking violet, wanting to meet and friending you on Facebook. You're about to get put in check.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

Yesterday evening I got a Facebook friend request FROM HER! I immediately texted him telling himm what had happened and saying I my heart was pouding and I wanted to drop dead! I apologised for not accepting her, after all I don´t know her, and it felt a bit invasive... He reassured me everything was ok. He had told her about he idea of meeting me: I honestly do not know in what terms it was presented to her. I guess some version of what he told me when he presented the idea to me. Apparently she has agreed, and he´ll call me later today to arrange the time and place

To me it seems like getting her FB request should be a dream come true for you after what you've posted about this meeting.  You should be excited that the meeting you two so wanted is finally going to happen and your love for each other will be exposed to the wife.  You said you were willing to be her friend, to help her accept you as the OW, so it seems you would have jumped at the chance to accept her request instead of getting a heart pounding reaction and calling MM for reassurance that everything was ok.

[Crazelnut]

This is the biggest load of manure I've ever read on here. He says he wants you to meet his wife to placate her about her fears that you are having an affair, but ... YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR with her husband. That is so cruel! You think when she sees you two dating after their (maybe) divorce, she's not going to realize you were after her man and/or already seeing him?  Sorry. But this man is asking for your help lying to his wife. Are you ok with that?

Edited August 14, 2021 by Crazelnut

[MilaVaneela]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

But this man is asking for your help lying to his wife. Are you ok with that?

Unfortunately, she is. From her posts, it seems that she feels entitled to this man, that his wife is persona non grata (except when she’s being a “possessive, stubborn child” over her own husband), and three weeks of slap and tickle in which she has been the main driving force is a grand, tortured, Romeo and Juliet love story for the ages. I actually feel sorry for her because, as a wise man once said, it seems like she hears what she wants to hear and disregards the rest, and when reality confronts, it will be greatly disappointing.

[mark clemson]

I think that the probability that this is a cucquean kink is low. There are places to seek that out for those who truly wish to do so.

I also think (IMO) that, while always possible, the probability that the wife is driving this meeting is extremely low.

That said, the advice to go in with caution is extremely good, because one doesn't know HOW it will go and it certainly has the potential to go very negatively.

Edited August 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

Yesterday evening I got a Facebook friend request FROM HER!

Did your lover send this from her account? His whole story sounds like nonsense and crazy-making drama.

Does he have cognitive issues or possibly alcohol-related early dementia? He's in his 60s, no?

That may explain his bizarre behavior such as thinking meeting you will 'inspire' her to divorce him. (but he never mentions going to an attorney).

Much of his logic seems impaired and stories seem incoherent.