Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You're totally missing the point. It doesn't matter if he doesn't admit everything. The point is that when D-Day happens, you're going to be left on your own. Without him. I guess we have just had a D day, right? She comfronted him, he admitted it. She issued a sort of ultimatum, and came back to me anyway. Very different to what you thought would happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I have to say, OP....the only adults I know in real life who are this resistant to keeping pespective and this attached to a grossly-exaggerated favourable version of events are the ones who are the most deeply hurt, deeply sad and deeply insecure. They cling for dear life to a peaches-and-cream storyline because they are too emotionally wounded to deal with reality. The truth is less than ideal? No problem. They pretend that's not the truth, and invent further justifications for things that are too painful to face. I suspect that underneath all your bravado and mental gymnastics, you are a very hurt woman. Hurt by events in your past, hurt from not feeling good enough for your cheating husband, and now that this man is paying attention to you, by God, you are not going to let yourself get hurt again. And so you work very hard to inject that toxic positivity and weave it into a love story. And you will not let anyone take that away from you by considering plausible alternatives. Must be awfully draining to live like this and constantly have to play mind games with yourself. That's why I asked what on earth you are going to do when this affair meets its end. You are going to fall to shambles, I fear. Yes, I´ve been hurt. And yes, I´m not going to let myself be hurt again. It is not toxic positivity. I can feel him, I can see al his doubts and attempts at softening what is going on between us, but at the same time I can feel him, and he´s with me. I asked him today: What would you have done if she had confronted you BEFORE you went to see me, if she had guessed, somehow?. He said: There is nothing she could have done to stop me from seeing you. Edited August 16, 2021 by Iwantthisformyself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 6 hours ago, DingDang said: No, it's not. I heard the words "I'm in love with someone else" 17 years ago, I asked him to leave, he got a taste of what life was like without me and our kids, and his head got straight real quick. Our 33rd anniversary is coming up and he's turned into the absolute best partner any woman could ask for. Reality has a way of killing many affairs, and hysterical bonding between H and W is powerful stuff. well, it is not happening like that for us. It certainly did not happen like that for my ex and I either. I´m glad it worked well for you, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: Their relationship is over - according to you. He went home to be with his family and go for a bike ride. It doesn’t sound like his wife is not engaged and the marriage is over - she wanted to meet the woman who is attempting to interfere in her relationship, they do activities together as a family, they had sex twice last week. How does that lead you to believe that this relationship/marriage is over? That´s just normal co parenting interaction. What we have is different. They had sex twice, he told me and then stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 5 hours ago, mark clemson said: As we see rather frequently here, a bad marriage often leads to a spouse to start considering their options, one of which is to have an affair to regain emotional connection, etc. So long as you're (genuinely) happy with this "arrangement" and emotionally mature about the possibility of losing him there is little to lose for you then. You hear a lot on these boards from OWs who wish they had "more" and eventually get hurt and frustrated when that doesn't materialize. IF you're (actually) ok with being an OW/AP you seem to have a good situation in that: - If he stays with his wife, you're OK. Indeed - If he leaves his wife (or vice versa), you're also OK. Indeed. The problems (IMO) that may come are: - If his wife decides to leave him, he may abandon you to chase her. This is apparently not uncommon. IF she starts to separate/divorce, I'd say there's a 50% chance of that happening. She might also put her foot down to end your "association". Who knows? he did not seem to take her ultimatum very seriously, though. - You eventually DO start to "want more" or simply become frustrated with the limitations of the situation. If I don´t, I can change my situation. - His wife might eventually start some sort of vendetta against you, I'd say there's a low, but real, chance of that; e.g. stirring up trouble where you work or similar. No control over this. Could happen with any reationship ( a crazy ex, for example) - IF you go with this for a long time, you may "spend your years" with him, but with little to show for it at the end if he stays with her. We see this occasionally here as well. The moment this des not feel meaningful to me, I´m stepping out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 28 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: She did not take me lightly, and was very angry that he had us meet, only to see me in private the following day. She´s got a point, there. But he wanted to try the friends thing and see it if helped in any way. I made it very clear I am not interested in being her friend. He doesn´t want to be my friend either. I believe he was just trying to do the right thing, and if I had gone along with that, it would have stayed that way. But I´m not that type of person, and I would have felt umcomfortable being their friend knowing what had actually happened and the feelings between us. Oh Please, give me a break. That is why you said: On 8/13/2021 at 6:45 PM, Iwantthisformyself said: . I´m not asking him to leave her, I´m even willing to be their friend until it is resolved. You'd do anything to have this man including slithering into a false friendship with her to get her husband. And she did take you lightly. You were the one walking away angry because she treated you like a friend. Then slipped behind her back to see her husband; yet you try to villify her when you're the villian. Wake up, he is still using you to make her care about him. He staged the whole meeting yesterday because he wanted her to know he saw you to get a rise out of her. I bet she didn't say half the things he told you she said. Why do you guys spend so much time talking about her instead your plans to be together? Let me guess, he leads that conversation, doesn't he. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 52 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I totally get that he feels hurt by the way she has abandoned him. Surely, the state of the marriage is a shared responsability, but plain ignoring someone everyday is an indivdual choice. How hurt do you think she feels that her husband is abandoning her - to meet up with another woman? That’s a choice, that has consequences. 53 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: Surely, the state of the marriage is a shared responsability, Indeed. How is he contributing to the state of the marriage? Is he acting responsibly - honouring the commitment he made to his wife? 54 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: Today, for the first time, I told him what I think about her: she has been neglecting him, and now she acts entitled over him because she can see he´s interesed in me. That is plain selfish. That’s pretty high and mighty of you - passing judgment on the woman who’s husband you are pursing… She is entitled because she is his WIFE. What’s your excuse for your feelings of entitlement as it relates to this man and your “relationship?” And how selfish do you sound here… 57 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: She had been very clear she wanted the marriage to end. Why change her mind now? More than likely, she has not changed her mind. You have no reason to think that she wanted the marriage to end - he is not a reliable reporter. FWIW, I’m not surprised that she “caught him” - she’s been suspicious all along, and she sounds like a very astute woman. I’m also not surprise that he caved - based on everything you’ve shared, it’s quite clear who wears the parents in that family. As for her “ultimatum,” I’m surprised he didn’t find his clothing on the lawn when he got home - he still might. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 37 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: They had sex twice, he told me and then stopped. Sure he did. Just like he told her that you were a friend, and then snuck out of the house to see you. Again, he’s not a man of conviction and he’s not a reliable reported. 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I guess we have just had a D day, right? She comfronted him, he admitted it. She issued a sort of ultimatum, and came back to me anyway. He came back to you, as your friend. Your coworker. You spent time together in the platonic way that you spend your days… Quote I believe he is trying to send the message that we should be friends, as he feels conflicted about our situation He wants to be friends. Quote He doesn´t want to be my friend either. Do you have any idea how much you contradict yourself? Edited August 16, 2021 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 3 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I did not want to complicate things further by texting him. You are such a good well behaved OW. Perfect for the MM who wants to stay married. In any case I hope this all works out and everyone gets what they deserve. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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